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Chapter 133- Remarkable.
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"Gilderoy, you need to be at the ministry now." Andromeda comes into my office, being angry at me, which has been her natural state ever since we had that conversation in my office with Sirius and me basically telling her to ignore it and do nothing, and she listened to me. I also found out about her no longer being with her husband, Ted, but she doesn't give me a chance to bring anything up, and it's all business. I think she's trying to avoid me as much as possible, which is why I am being extra lazy because I know she can't help but try to get me to do my work since she takes her job seriously.
"Do I have to?" I moan, spread across my desk with my eyes closed, really not wanting to go and do anything right now. Life has been kind of lacklustre lately and really boring, especially after the excitement that was Italy. I mean, yes, I hated the trip and all the bullshit I got involved with, but I was busy and didn't lack things to do. Unlike now, where all there is are boring things. Fuck, Italy was one of the worst times of my life, so why do I keep thinking about it? It is official, this is the last time I will mention Italy.
"Yes, you have to. You might not have to make any of the big decisions and the work, even though you own this company, but you are the face of the company. Which means sometimes you have to go put on a smile and shake some hands." I sigh with all the pain in the world as I lift my head and rest my chin on the desk.
"Yeah, but does it have to be Fudge's hand? I feel like there is shit all over his hands from how much he wipes everybody's asses for pennies." I lift myself up and shrug off my robe and start to unbutton my shirt, but I feel a little upset when Andromeda doesn't bat an eye as I get undressed. I was really looking for a reaction there.
"Yeah, well, our asses are one of the ones he is wiping, which means you need to go get in front of the cameras and shake his hand with a smile. We are unveiling our Gale Force Glasses today, the public one that lets people read twice as fast, and the ministry is going to be a big first customer to get our product moving and on everybody's minds. So go do your only job." I remove the rest of my clothes, and then I am standing there in just my boxers. Andromeda still isn't bothered, and I look down and think, fuck it.
"You're the boss," I say, punctuating it by reaching down and pulling my underwear straight down, baring myself entirely to the world. The world is my office, and the people of the world are the only other people in the office, which is Andromeda, who still doesn't have a reaction. Hm, from that I can guess she has been using Occlumency this whole time, so though I can't see it, she probably has been reacting to my actions. Is this sexual harassment? You bet your ass it is, but this is the magical world and there ain't no laws against it. But showing, not touching, is as far as I will go.
I wave my wand, and then I am covered in the formal robes and ready to go to the Ministry. "Tah dah, I'm ready to go, Andromeda. I look good?" I ask, and she quickly nods her head yes. "Very good." I smile at the compliment, though the way she quickly turns around to leave all of a sudden makes me feel like I missed something. Oh well, Rome wasn't built in a day, and sexual harassment doesn't turn into mutual harassment in a flash.
"Go now, you are expected now." And then she is gone, and I decide to listen to her for once and quickly use the floo in my office to travel to the ministry. When I come through, there is a massive crowd, they are surrounding a big stage, and there are lights flashing and people shouting, and a whole cacophony of voices that make it hard to hear yourself think.
I really don't want to be here, but this is my only job, so I go forth and start to push through the crowd. It takes me a bit, but at some point, the people begin to realise that I am there and move out of the way, speaking to each other in hushed whispers as I get closer to the stage. But in a big place like this and with just how many people are filling the place, the hushed whispers combine together to make a roar, and the whole room takes notice.
"It's Gilderoy Lockhart!"
"He just went to Italy, and rumours are he hunted every vampire in the country."
"Gilderoy Lockhart's smile is said to have made the sun rise each morning."
"He's got a massive dick."
Oi, that last one... It's true, but how would they know? Haha, I've slept with too many women in Britain at this point; no doubt my dick size is common knowledge now, at least to the female half of the magical world. I am very prolific after all. Also, who the hell thinks my smile makes the sun rise? What did the sun do before I was born? I swear, this country is actually full of idiots.
"Ah, Gilderoy. It is good to see you. I was getting worried you weren't coming, but I know a man of your reputation always sticks to his commitments." Fudge leans in to speak to me as I finally make it to the stage, and we shake hands. "I am very excited for the future now that I can finally work with you and your company, Gilderoy. I see big things in our future." Oh, I can feel the literal shit on this man's hand as he literally slathers it onto mine. This fatty is disgusting and sweaty; he is disgusty. So abhorrent that he has made a new word for it.
"Well, who doesn't want more money, am I right, Celia?" I smile, and he smiles back, though a little awkwardly. "Ah, it is Cornelias." He corrects, but I am busy looking around the room for anything worrying. I have been more cautious and aware of my surroundings since Italy. Fuck, I said I wasn't going to think about that country anymore, fuck that person who mentioned it just a bit ago. The bastard.
"I've been getting messages from the Italian Ministry, by the way, they really want to talk to you. Apparently, you all but destroyed the biggest vampire cult in the country. Is that true?" This bastard, why does everybody want to remind me of that shit, when I literally just made a life-affirming decision to not even think of it anymore?
"Yeah, and it was a piece of piss," I say mockingly, but the doofus actually thinks I mean it and looks at me as if I am made from gold. "Really?" I inwardly shake my head, but in reality, I decide to see how easily I can make this guy see me as a god. "Honestly. It was quite easy for me. I am the man to call when you have a problem. Now, let's get this whole thing done and dusted, huh." With that, I walk up the stage, and Fudge scrambles behind me, nearly tripping over his own feet and onto his pudgy face. But somehow, he manages to right himself.
It was a very weird motion, so I glanced around and spotted a wizard beside the stage with their wand out and always pointing at Fudge, and it was clearly an auror. The auror is positioned in a way that he can only be seen from the stage. I notice Fudge stumble behind me, and I tense up when the auror uses his wand, but nothing happens. Except, Fudge is walking normally again... Really? This idiotic man is so stupid and clumsy that he has an auror on standby for the express reason of making sure he doesn't fall while in front of the crowd. How stupid can one man be?
I come to a stop near the microphone, just a couple of steps beside and behind it, allowing space for Fudge to go forward and take his place. I then double-take and look at the microphone, confused, but then realise it is not a microphone but merely a lectern with a little metal square on top. I figure out why when Fudge casts the Sonorous and rests his hands on the lectern, his hands hidden behind the metal square, which also hides the wand, which comes up to Fudge's mouth without anyone being able to see it. I see, so he can use his wand to make his voice loud, without looking like an idiot with his wand in front of his mouth like he is about to deepthroat it.
"My fellow witches and wizards, magicals of the press. It is my great honour to see you all here today." Fudge begins, and I gotta give it to him that the guy knows how to talk. I then look down and notice he is standing on a big box to make himself taller to reach the lectern. I feel like they could have lowered the lectern, but they did it so he looks bigger. How bad a fraud is this guy? I respect the game, well, I would if it were actually convincing to make it so he can manipulate the public, but I think he is doing it for his own ego and insecurities.
"Today we are here to announce the acquisition of something that will bring a great deal of change to this ministry, nay, for the entire magical British lands. And it is all thanks to this gentleman here, who will show us just what magnificent invention will be making such drastic changes for the better." Fudge waves his hand at me as he takes a step back and moves away from the lectern, gesturing for me to come forth.
I am very much caught off guard as I didn't expect this. I wasn't informed of this, as I thought I was just supposed to show up and look pretty. But then again, Andromeda was talking to me a lot, but when she goes on about business stuff, I kind of zone out and start daydreaming about stuff, like becoming a hero, or becoming an evil guy and ruling the world from the shadows. Or maybe settling down and getting married, having a nice home in the hills and having three children and a barbecue every Sunday. Apparently, daydreaming like this is a mental illness, but what would they know-
Oh shit, everyone is looking at me, I quickly move up to the lectern, having to spread my legs slightly as the box is in the middle, but it is fine. Taking a cue from Fudge's book, I use the Sonorous charm and address the entire crowd. "Wow, everybody here is looking great today. It is truly my life's greatest light to look out at you, beautiful people, and make an announcement that is going to make everybody's life better." I finish, half-assing and chatting shit, but somehow it works as everybody starts to applaud and cheer.
When it winds down, I speak again, reaching into my back pocket and pulling out the Gale Force Reading Glasses and shoving them forth, presenting them to the world. "I present to you, the future. I present to you the Gale Force Reading Glasses." I hold them aloft for all to see, black glasses with the frames shaped like lightning with yellow accents and even a slight magical charm on them to make them spark with yellow lightning that isn't harmful at all, but makes them look really cool. The lenses themselves I made them design to look angular, kind of like you would think Batman's eyes on his cowl would look.
So yeah, I basically took over for the aesthetic design of this thing, which is why I am surprised that none of the crowd is oohing or awwing about it, just looking on with confusion. They clearly don't understand its greatness. Hell, even just the appearance of it should be lighting a fire under their asses. But these people of the 90's are too backwards, so I will have to explain the awesomeness to them.
"These are the Gale Force Reading Glasses," I say once again, just to establish the product's name in their heads and make it stick. "Maybe some of you can guess by the name, but to make things clearer for you all, these glasses can make you read... faster!" I pause for a second, then shout out the last word with glee, and though my enthusiasm puts a smile on some people's faces, no one is really understanding or ecstatic about the product; they're just joyful at my presence.
"A simple thing, when said aloud with mere words, but in reality, a very much more useful thing in cases of digesting information." I put the glasses on my face and made myself look the coolest anyone has ever looked inside of this building in the history of the ministry. And then, I reach into my robe and pull out a book. My book, Magical Me, and I flip to a random page and start to read.
"It was on a particularly radiant and splendent afternoon in the Carpathian Mountains that I—Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award—came face to face with the notorious and terrifying Bloodfang Wraith.
The villagers, poor trembling souls without light, had all but abandoned hope. Chickens refused to lay their eggs, children could not laugh, and worst of all, not one mirror in the entire village would reflect properly, only showing hazy and blurry reflections—a sure sign of deeply troublesome magic. And so naturally, they sent for someone to solve their problem. They sent for me.
I recall that I had arrived in a blaze of golden sunlight, my hair catching the wind in a manner that many present later described as 'heroic beyond reason'. A small girl clutched her mother's robes tight in wonder and whispered, 'Is that really him?' To which I gave my most reassuring smile—one that conveys both confidence and approachability. 'Stand back,' I said, raising my wand with effortless grace.
'This is delicate work,' The Wraith emerged from the ruins of an old, broken-down chapel, its form twisting and writhing like smoke caught in a raging storm. Lesser wizards might have fled for the hills—or worse, attempted brute-force spells, but I was no lesser wizard. Drawing upon my vast and unparalleled knowledge, I opted for a far more refined approach.
With a flick of my wrist, I cast a highly complex charm—one I myself had perfected with [painstaking dedication and late nights—which forced the creature to partially manifest. Its partial manifestation caused it to shriek, a sound that would have shattered weaker near drums, but I stood firm, my cloak billowing magnificently behind me from the vibrations.
'Begone!' I declared, my voice thundering across the valley. A final, blinding eruption of magic followed—fierce, controlled, and utterly devastating. When the light finally faded away, the Wraith had vanished completely, leaving behind nought but a faint shimmer where it once was and the overwhelming sense that evil had been thoroughly defeated this day.
.
The villagers broke out into cheers from sheer elation, surrounding me with gratitude, gifts, and—to protect much younger ears—offers made out of admiration that I could no rightfully accept. I accepted it all with my usual humility, assuring them that such feats were simply my duty as a wizard on this plane we all call Earth.
As I departed, I caught sight of my reflection in a newly restored mirror. The reflections were now fixed.
'Remarkable,' I muttured.
And indeed, it was."
There is silence for a moment, and then raucous applause breaks out, which makes me smile as I take off the glasses and tuck both them and the book away. My smile fades slightly as I realise they are cheering for my public storytelling, not for my Gale Force Reading Glasses. Once the crowd quiets down, I take the chance to rectify their folly.
"That was an excerpt from my book, Magical Me. It was 434 words long, with 2667 characters. Something that should be read by the average wizard in 1 minute and 35 seconds, and read aloud in 2 minutes and 25 seconds." I begin, and I notice I lose quite a few of the crowd with all the numbers. "The more astute of you will notice that I read it in 1 minute and 13 seconds. And that is because the Gale Force Reading Glasses allow the wearer to read all information at twice the speed." I bark, and everyone stands at attention.
"Imagine it! The ability to read all things twice as fast. For ministry workers to get through documents and letters twice as fast, for the wizard on the street to read through his newspaper as quickly as he wants, for the Hogwarts student to read through an entire book on magic twice as fast, and get their assignments done earlier. Imagine it, a world that moves twice as fast, letting us all have time to relax and take it slow when we really need to." I finish with a grand flourish of my arms, and there is silence once more.
And then once more, raucous applause and cheers ring out, and I smile because this time they are cheering for the right reason.
Because I am truly remarkable.
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I am actually quite proud of the end of this chapter. Maybe I should become a campaign manager for the president or something.
Upcoming Chapters:
Free: Chapter 134- Can't Catch A Break.
Hero: Chapter 135- Magical Manhunter.
Super: Chapter 137- Happy?
Legendary: Chapter 139- Thwarting My Plans?
Galactic: Chapter 143 - Snape Change.
Mythic: Chapter 152 - Letting It Out. [R-18]
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That is all for now. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. See you in the next one!
Stay safe, and have fun!