"It was not your fault, Miss. I thought your done blaming yourself for that." She knew I'm referring to my failed marriage. "What exactly are you feeling towards him?"
"I'm not sure. Is it wrong if I am not even certain about how I feel?"
"Let's walk through it then…how did you feel the first time you see him after 3 years?"
"Anxious."
"How did you feel after you talk to him?"
"Like there was a heavy burden that was lifted from my heart. At peace maybe, because I finally got to confront him."
"How did you feel after you've been with him?"
"Comfortable."
"And the second time?"
"Natural."
"If you think about him now, what do you feel?"
"Guilty, scared…"
"Why do you think is that?"
"Because I can't tell him exactly how I feel, because I might disappoint him."
"If you think about not seeing him now, how you feel?"
"Now? Conflicted, because I don't want to see him since I'm not ready to face him like this, but I miss him and all I think about is how comfortable and reassuring his hugs are when I'm feeling down."
"And if you think about not seeing him again because of your fear and guilt, how do you feel?"
"Burdened, sad, like my heart is crushing…"
"Do you think you can forego your fear and guilt because of these reasons?"
"Then I will be selfish…"
"It's never selfishness when you think about your well-being first, it's selfishness when you become a burden to others because of not thinking about yourself…" She smiled. I knew my words will always come back to haunt me.
"I'm not ready…"
"You'll never be ready. You can talk to him about how you're feeling and both of you will figure it out. You don't need to escape from this or try to carry the burden alone. But first evaluate your true feelings towards him. Would you be more at peace if you're not with him? Would you be happier if you'll dismiss him from your life?"
Would I be? Soo-ah left but she gave me some meds. She has my medicines just in case, it is no longer the strong ones, it is just to calm my nerves. I haven't had this kind of conversation with her for quite some time now and I know, like me, she is also surprised to have one right now. I should be happy but why am I feeling burdened? Should I talk to him? What exactly would I try to achieve if I'll talk with him?
I fell asleep at the sofa while trying to contemplate on my decision. It was a very long and satisfying nap. I woke up around 5 in the afternoon. I checked my phone to see some missed calls from him. He knew I am not really opening voicemails, so he left a message. How are you? He must have been feeling agitated now. He was used to always hearing me speak out my thoughts. So, it must have been hard for him to not hear anything after last night.
I changed my clothes to gym outfit, I called for the kickboxing place for an earlier schedule and they have a 6:00 in the evening class, it's 10-minute bike ride from the loft. I want to blow off some steam. I am not ready for confrontation. The class finished at 7 but I had a sparring with the instructor, so we finished at half past 7. I didn't change or take shower; I am just planning to bike around before I can go back to the Loft. Soo-ah called while I was seating at a bench by the park.
"How are you, Miss?"
"I slept after you left. I have been to my kickboxing class, and I am just biking around to get some air…"
"Mr. Jae-woo is worried…"
"I haven't replied to him yet and he's decent enough to not bother me…"
"But should you not talk to him yet?"
"I don't know."
"Will you be ok?"
"I will. Don't worry too much."
"So, what would I say to him if he called again?"
"I will call him don't worry…"
I have stayed out by the park, feeling the night spring breeze. It's the start of spring season, and I can already feel my pollen allergy kicking in. I have been feasting on some street food and enjoying the night view, when I realized I have been out for almost an hour already. It's getting really cold now. I looked around me, trying to familiarize where my cycling took me. And it hit me, even subconsciously, I am deciding to go to him. I let my subconscious cycling take me to where I'm supposed to be tonight.
I am contemplating if I will call him or no. I have been sitting by the playground, down of his apartment building. This is where I ended up after an hour of turning around. I spend half an hour more sitting, thinking what to do. Then I found the courage to finally call him. I can sense that he has been waiting for this call.
"I'm sorry if it took me this late to call."
"You must have had a really hard time, huh?" he commented.
This is exactly why, I think I am confident enough to tell him everything, including my fear, my hope even my guilt. He always knew exactly what to say and do. He doesn't try to solve my problems; he gives me space when I needed. How can I deserve someone like him? I'm a coward, selfish person.