We were quiet the whole trip. I cannot count how many times I look at him, trying to ask how he know that I will save Amalia. His eyes are closed and he just sitting straight, leaning on the carriage seat.
I also cannot count how many times I clear my throat, hoping maybe he is awake. It is already dark. We already pass the river where we go the other day.
After some moments, I notice the kalesa start to slow down and stop in front of a big two-floor house. An old man welcome us and give respect.
"Good evening, three rooms for one night if possible," Sebastian said. The old man smile and nod, holding a lamp.
"Come in," the old man said, then he help Niyong move the carriage at the side. Sebastian go down first. I bite my lower lip when he put out his hand in front of me without looking at me.
I look around, there is no other people there, only the four of us. Niyong and the old man are busy tying the horse at the side. I just clear my throat, "I-I will just hold your hand because I really have nothing to hold when going down. I don't want to get hurt if I jump," I said to him. He look at me then raise his hand like telling me to go down.
I clear my throat again then hold his hand. It's my first time to notice that his hand is warm and rough, and also big. We both look away when I already step down. He put both his hands at his back then go inside the lodging house first.
"What do you want to eat?" the old man ask while getting three keys from a table. The living room of the house is big, very wide and the floor is shiny.
"We are still full," said Sebastian, then he go first upstairs to the second floor of the house like he is already used to come here. Maybe because of his profession, he already go to many places in this story.
I followed him going up. Niyong carry our things. I want to help him but he not allow me because he said it is his work. He cannot move properly in the stairs because he carry too many things. I look at Sebastian, he is older and bigger than Niyong but he is not helping him.
I want to say that maybe he can help Niyong, but I got surprised when he go back to the stairs and take some of the things from Niyong without saying anything. "What do you want to eat tomorrow for breakfast?" the old man asked while opening one by one the three rooms beside each other.
"What do you want?" Sebastian asked us. Me and Niyong look at each other. Aside from feeling shy, we also have no money. I stop for a moment when I remember that I don't have enough money to stay in a hotel tonight.
The old man kept smiling. "High officials often stay here. This is their favorite room," he said, not noticing that we didn't follow him inside the first room he opened.
I quickly walked near Sebastian and whispered quietly, "Uhm, we don't have money. Can we just go straight to Bulakan?" I said. He just looked at me, so I stepped back a little.
Even Niyong was already sweating because we cannot afford Sebastian's kind of budget. Sebastian just looked at me, then he went inside the room and placed his things on a chair.
"My two companions will gladly eat any kind of breakfast," Sebastian said, then he took money from his coat and gave it to the old man. The old man smiled when he saw how big the payment was.
"You can count on it, señor," the old man said with a smile, then quickly left the room. He also opened two more rooms. Me and Niyong just stared in shock. Is Sebastian treating us?
I looked at him as he removed his coat. Niyong quickly helped him and placed it on the side, together with his hat. Sebastian sat on the bed and was about to remove his shoes.
I immediately went near him and helped him take off his shoes. "Our travel was really long. It's better we rest so the horse can rest too," I said with a smile, and I even gently massaged his feet.
We needed to make a good impression so Sebastian won't charge us for what he gave for free. "Binibini…" Niyong called, which made me come back to my senses. I should not have touched Sebastian like that and massaged his feet like I was his wife.
I suddenly sat down in shock and noticed my hand was already raised like I was surrendering. "Ah, s-sorry. I just got carried away…" I quickly stood up properly and scratched my head. I only wanted to return the favor to him like what Niyong was doing.
Sebastian can't look at me now, and even Niyong is just staring, like he think I'm too bold for touching a man like that.
"I-if you're asking, I'm good at hilot," I said, hoping they will believe me so the tension will lessen.
"Hilot? You know how to help someone give birth, ate Tanya?" Niyong asked, confused.
I just nodded. "Yes, hilot and also massage," I added.
I take a deep breath. It looks like Sebastian is not the type who will ask payment right away. I will just let him deduct my expenses from my salary at the end of the month.
"Okay. I will sleep now," I said, then I quickly walk out of Sebastian's room and go inside the next room.
I hold my chest. I did another bold thing to Sebastian's body.
Midnight already. I still can't sleep. I don't know what will happen to us in Bulakan. If I can convince Amalia not to go with her guardia civil boyfriend. If yes, it may have big effect to the next scenes of Salamisim. If I cannot make her agree, I don't know if my conscience will let me sleep.
I look at the candle on the small table beside my bed. The room is big and clean. As beautiful as the room of Maria Florencita. I just leave the window open so fresh air can come inside.
I stand up and take the candle that already melted in the holder. I am not used to sleep in the dark so I will ask for new candle or lamp to give light in the room. I go down to the lodge but the old man is not there. All the lamps are open but no people.
I walk to the kitchen, it is dark and no one is there. I will just go back to my room when I see Sebastian walking down the stairs. He is wearing white shirt with a coat. He look at me but he did not stop going down.
"Where are you going?" I asked him. I don't know where I get the courage and right to ask everything he will do.
"To the bathroom," he answered and then stopped in front of me. The bathroom is on the left but he didn't go there.
"You?" I got conscious when he asked. I looked at the candle holder in my hand.
"I was going to ask for a candle or lamp. I can't sleep without light," I said. Sebastian looked around, also looking for the man who is in charge here.
I was surprised when he took a lamp from the side of the sofa and gave it to me.
"Wait. The owner might get mad," I said. I know this is just a story but I don't want to offend the man in charge, he might send us out in the middle of the night.
"I'll just tell him tomorrow," Sebastian said. I don't know why but I felt calm when he said that. When you know someone is willing to take what will happen, it really makes you feel lighter.
"T-thank you," that's all I said, then I took the lamp from his hand. He walked already going to the bathroom. I was about to go upstairs but I don't know why I just stand in front of the stairs, waiting for him to come out.
After a while, he came out. He stopped when he saw me. I don't know why I smiled when our eyes met. Maybe I'm really going crazy. I had no choice but to continue it. "Ah, Sebastian. I want to ask something…" I swallowed. The place is so quiet, I'm scared he might hear my heartbeat.
He just looking at me like waiting for me to continue. I just closed my eyes. I want to slap and pull my own hair because I look so stupid in front of him.
I take a deep breath. "Let's go to the veranda," I said, then I walked first going there. It is beside the living room and facing the road. I put the lamp on the floor and take a fresh air while waiting for him. After a few moments, I feel that he is already behind me.
I looked straight into the dark road. I need to call the soul of Faye so I will not look like an issue, assuming, and malicious. I feel like I'm acting crazy in front of Sebastian since earlier, like I need to fix my actions and everything I say just to look likable to him.
Why am I even doing that? Am I trying to attract a fictional character?
I touched my lips. I am really becoming crazy! I didn't even notice that I was already acting cute in front of a character!
He got surprised when I suddenly faced him. "Sebastian, tell the truth…" I started, then I held my throat because my voice almost cracked from nervousness. "H-how did you know that Amalia is my target in Bulakan? And how did you know that I will save her?!" I asked continuously. I raised my voice to fight the loud beating of my heart.
His two hands are inside the pockets of his black coat. He just walked to the front of the balcony and looked at the dark dirt road and the other houses that are a bit far from where we are staying now.
"Didn't you ask me what you should do if someone might be in danger?" he started without looking at me.
"Yes, but I didn't tell you who it was or where."
"From what you said, the travel will be long. Bulakan is far from Manila," he said. I nodded. It's also traffic if you pass EDSA, if I'm outside this story.
"When Lolita asked permission from me to borrow the carriage and Niyong, she mentioned that you have a friend there named Amalia where you will stay. She is the daughter of the couple who owns the panciteria," he continued. I nodded again. Everything he said is correct.
"But why are you going there? Don't you want to live in Manila?" I looked at him when he said that.
"Am I not allowed to go to Bulakan?" I said. He just shook his head.
"Not like that. What I mean is, if you want to go back to your town, why didn't you go with Amalia when she went home last Saturday, according to Lolita?" I couldn't answer his question.
"Everything happened so fast. I can see in your eyes that something is bothering your mind since the night we talked. The things you said about saving someone you know will be in danger… don't you see the vision of what will happen in the future?" he said and then looked at me again.
Slowly, I looked at him and stared. I can't believe he connected what I said and what Lolita said. "It's easy to connect everything. If you're not careful, anyone can easily read what is running in your mind," Sebastian said, like he is warning me not to show too much my true purpose in life.
"Amalia, she is a friend of Maria Florencita. She is the daughter of the couple who owns the panciteria. That couple, I have been suspecting for a long time that they are part of the rebels." At that moment, I felt nervous again. Not because he is near me, but because it is his duty to stop the rebels.
I lowered my head. No matter how I look at it, I am still the one who started all the conflict between their sides.
We stayed quiet for a moment. I don't have anything to say anymore. It's my fault why everything is in chaos. I wonder what will be their reaction once they find out that all the suffering they are experiencing now was caused by a writer who only wanted to create a tragic story, turn it into a book, and make it into a movie.
"What will happen to Amalia?" Sebastian said, breaking the silence. I just stared at my hands. These hands are the reason why I was able to write this novel.
"If the rebels and the government are involved in this, I want you to know that I am still faithfully serving the government," he continued. I just took a deep breath. I can't blame him because that is really his role, to stay loyal to the government.
"It has nothing to do with politics," I started while looking at my hands, which I now think are the reason why the characters in this story suffered. "She will go with her lover and run away. That will be the reason of the tragedy in her life."
"If you think about it, in politics, it is easy to choose a side. You go where you can benefit more. You go where you can be safe. You follow what principles you believe in. It is easier to understand how politics works, Sebastian."
My hands are getting cold and I can't even feel them anymore. "But love is different. You don't know how far you will fight for what you feel. How will you fight for a love that from the start you already know is a big foolishness? Where will you place yourself in a world with no certainty?" I looked at him. He just stared at me like he wants to understand what I am trying to say.
"Do you know why there are tragic stories?" I continued. He did not answer, he just kept looking straight into my eyes.
"Because love often loses. It loses to the things around it. All the doubts, jealousy, betrayal, selfishness, and lack of trust. All of these can take over a person's heart, and make no space for the love that once lived there."
At that moment, I stared at him. Sebastian Guerrero, one of the characters in this story, will also become a victim of heartbreak.
******
The next day, I woke up almost noon. I saw Niyong, he was drinking coffee. We are sitting now at a round table near the veranda of the hotel.
"Are we not going to wait for Sebastian?" I asked Niyong when he started eating. One by one, the food for breakfast arrived. Eggs, bread, rice, and meat of chicken and pork that I don't know how it is cooked.
"Señor Sebastian do not eat breakfast. He eats snack at ten, then lunch. His next meal is already night," Niyong answered while putting honey on the bread.
"Why he not eat breakfast? He should have proper nutrition especially that…" I stopped then stood up.
I heard Niyong calling me but I just went straight upstairs and knocked on Sebastian's room. I was about to knock again but the door suddenly opened, making me step back in surprise.
Sebastian's hair is wet and he is already dressed. He was also surprised to see me in front of his door.
"T-the breakfast is ready. Let's eat," I said. I don't know what soap or perfume he use, but the smell is very attractive, like his eyes that are also attractively looking at me now.
"Ah, j-just follow downstairs. We will wait for you," I said, then quickly turned around and went down the stairs.
"What happened?" Niyong asked with confusion when I came back to my seat. I just closed my eyes and held my chest. I don't know why my heart won't stop beating so fast.
"Good morning, señor," Niyong greeted in surprise. He even stood up and showed respect to Sebastian. It feels like my heart stopped beating when he sat in front of me. "You will eat breakfast, señor?" Niyong asked, still confused while his mouth is full of food.
Niyong slowly sat down, still confused and looking at his master. "You should finish the coffee you are holding while it is still hot," Sebastian said. He did not answer Niyong's question and just continued taking bread and spread.
When he looked at me, I quickly look away and pretend I am busy mixing my coffee. I should not call him to join us. Now I feel like I cannot digest what I will eat.
*****
It was almost sunset when we arrived in Bulakan. I can't stop smiling because we can clearly see the people preparing for the fiesta. Colorful flags are already hanging everywhere. The children, adults, men and women are all dressed nicely for the procession later tonight.
"Where is your house here, ate Tanya?" Niyong asked, that made me come back to my senses. He is driving the carriage slowly because the road is crowded with many people. "Ha?" I paused when I remembered that I used this place, Bulakan, as my excuse before, saying this is where I grew up.
I looked at Sebastian who is also waiting for my answer. "Ah, we don't have a house here anymore. We already sold it before my father sent me to the convent," I said and smiled at them.
The surroundings are noisy because of many people, and the vendors keep shouting to sell their products. "Where is your father?" Niyong asked again. I just bit my lip. If Lolita is here, maybe Niyong will be quiet.
"He is in Hong Kong… yes, he is there, for a long time," I smiled to hide the tension I feel. Why didn't I think that they will look for my house here in Bulakan?
I looked at Sebastian again. "Uhm, if our house is still here, I will gladly let you both stay, but it's already gone so…" I said and took a deep breath. It looks like I will owe Sebastian again, even if I am the one who gave him his wealth.
"Just deduct the expenses from my salary, for me and Niyong," I added and gave him a small smile to show that I'm not an abusive employee. Niyong looked at me, but he didn't say anything about Sebastian paying for him too.
Sebastian just looked outside the window. "Don't worry about it," he said. Me and Niyong looked at each other. It seems like it's normal for him because he always pays for the expenses.
I sat properly. Even if I don't say it directly, I want to be kind today because of his kindness for treating us.
*****
"Seriously? Why?" I couldn't stop my voice from getting louder as we stood in front of the inn. The house has two floors, but it is bigger than the place we stayed last night.
"Many officials arrived to join the fiesta, so we prepared the rooms for them. They might arrive anytime. Sorry, but only one room is available," said the woman who looks like same age as me. She has makeup on her face and keeps looking at Sebastian, so I moved between them.
"This is already the fifth inn we went to—" I didn't finish because the thin-eyebrow woman, who looks like she draw it like a geisha, spoke.
"If you want, you can just share one room," she suggested, making me hold the back of my neck. I can feel my blood pressure going up.
"That's not possible. We are not married," I explained while pointing at Sebastian. In situations like this, Sebastian is the type who will just accept it even if he knows it is very wrong.
"If you are going to get married anyway, it is not a big deal for us," the woman said. I held my forehead. I showed her both of my hands. "We are not engaged—Ah! We are not going to get married. We have no relationship," I explained. The woman looked at Niyong who is standing behind us.
Another woman whispered to her, but we still heard it because she said it loud. "Maybe that girl is lying. They already have a big child," she said while looking at Niyong.
"What—? He is not our child. I am only seven years older than him. Do I look like I became a mother at seven years old?" I explained again, but they just shook their heads and insisted that they will not give us a room because it is for the officials.
I was about to speak again, but Sebastian already took the key. "I want to rest," he said and went upstairs. The two women quickly followed him to show the room. "Let's go… mother," Niyong teased me and ran upstairs fast.
When I entered the room, the two women stopped explaining things to Sebastian. I just crossed my arms and looked at them sharply. There are no high-tech appliances here, so why do they need to explain everything, even the curtain?
They stopped when they saw me leaning on the door. Niyong is busy putting our things on the side. Sebastian is looking outside the window, watching the people gathering near the church for the procession later.
The two women quickly left, and one of them even raised her eyebrow at me. I will write in my notebook later and include her in the gossip island I will make for them.
"You can use the bed," Sebastian said while his back is facing us.
Niyong raised his hand. "Me, señor?" he asked, making me glare at him. Now I understand why Lolita keeps losing her feelings for him. Sebastian looked at him. "We will sleep on the floor," he said, then looked at me.
"It's okay for me to sleep on the floor. I'm not picky. As long as there is light, it's fine," I explained. I feel guilty because I didn't contribute anything, yet I will sleep on the soft bed.
"Are you sure?" Sebastian asked. I rolled my eyes. Is this his version of 'Is that your final answer?'
My back will surely hurt if I sleep on the floor. There is no extra mat or pillow. Maybe there are cockroaches or rats crawling at night.
"Ah, I will just sleep on the bed. I don't want to ignore your gentleman act," I smiled and tapped the bed.
Sebastian just looked away, but I saw him secretly smiling.
******
It is already six in the afternoon. Me and Sebastian are standing in front of the convent. Niyong stayed in the hotel because we know he is tired from riding the horse. I looked at Sebastian, he just nodded at me like telling me to knock already so I can talk to Amalia.
"Can you just wait for me in the house across? They might think something if they see me with a man," I said. Sebastian looked away when he realized I should not be seen by my former teachers and people inside the convent with a man.
But the truth is, I just don't want him to hear that I don't know anyone inside except Amalia. Sebastian walked to the house across. He is a bit far now, just watching the carriages passing.
I knocked on the big door of the beaterio. A young girl opened it. "What can I do for you?"
"Ah, can I talk to Amalia? I am her friend. I just have something to give from her parents," I said. She nodded and closed the door again. I looked at Sebastian and signaled him to wait a little more.
After a while, the door opened again. "Tanya," Amalia smiled and hugged me. They are wearing white now because they will join the procession later. "What are you doing here?" she said. I gave her the basket with food and clothes from Aling Pacing and Mang Pedro.
"We just want to join the fiesta here," I said. Amalia smiled and held my hand. "It's nice to know you still remember this place," she said. She thinks I am from here.
"By the way, I want to say something…" I don't know how to start. My heart is beating so fast like I am on a roller coaster and it will fall down anytime.
"What is it?"
I held her hand tightly and looked straight into her eyes. Good thing the girl already left and people around are busy.
"Tomorrow night, don't go outside. Whatever letter you receive, don't answer it and don't go," I said. Amalia stopped. I know she knows that I have an idea about her plan to run away with her guardia civil lover.
"Whatever you are planning, don't continue. You will be in danger if you go with—" I didn't finish because she pulled her hand away. She looked down, not looking at me anymore.
"I will not ask how you know, but if this is the reason you are here… I'm sorry but my decision is final," she said seriously. I saw her hand shaking.
"Listen, I know this will happen but… I want to save you. I want to save both of you. Aling Pacing and Mang Pedro will be hurt."
Amalia turned her back and was about to go inside when I spoke again. "You will die if you go with that guardia civil. You will both die," I said. Slowly she turned to me, tears forming in her eyes.
She looked behind me, and when I looked too, I saw Sebastian already standing there. He was also shocked at what I said. Amalia looked back at me, now her tears are falling.
"I have been dead for a long time, Tanya. I followed what my parents want. I followed the life they made for me. I have been dead because I never did what I really want."
She looked away and wiped her tears. "It's time to think about my own happiness. I realized I am not dead when I am with him. So don't stop me, this is the first decision I will make in my life," she said, then quickly went inside and closed the door hard.
I was left standing, staring at the tall door of the beaterio. I am such a fool. Fool enough to think I can change the characters and fight my own story.
*********
I walk feeling empty. I don't mind the many people around me, the children happily running, the young couples, or the families going to the church.
I got surprised when suddenly a white veil was placed in front of me. "Don't you want to join the procession? It is right for you to wear this," said Sebastian. I didn't notice he was already beside me, walking with me.
I stared at the veil and wore it. We continued walking. Sebastian looked at his pocket watch. "Few minutes more and the procession will start," he said. I didn't speak. I still can't stop thinking how we will save Amalia now.
"You did not tell me that Amalia's lover is a guardia civil," Sebastian said, his hands behind his back while we slowly walk with the crowd. The sun is setting and many people are holding candles.
"There is a big punishment for turning away from duty. Tell me his name, we will report it to the general so he cannot run away with Amalia," he continued.
I stopped. He has a point. If we report them now, their escape tomorrow night will not happen. I looked at him, ready to speak, but then I realized… the guardia civil has no name. I never gave him one in the story.
I only made him as Amalia's lover and the reason of their escape, that later caused their death.
"You don't know his name?" Sebastian asked. I lowered my head. With many guardia civil characters here, I cannot tell who he is.
Sebastian cleared his throat. "Then we must inform the soldiers here to be more strict," he said. I felt my shoulders fall. I didn't think it will become this complicated.
After some time, something caught my attention. A group of people are listening to a man around forty years old, with a round belly like Don Severino. Many books are on his table.
"This is a story about a traitor man. He left his lover to be with another woman he liked since childhood," the man began. More people became interested.
I stopped and listened. "Don't tell me you want to buy books like that?" Sebastian asked, like saying girls cannot resist love stories.
I looked at him but he stayed silent.
"After many years, the woman became alone and sad. No one wanted to marry her. People talked about her. One day, the man returned with his child from the other woman. The woman he chose left him for someone richer, so he came back to his old lover," the man continued.
People became excited. "What happened next?" they asked.
The man smiled and closed the book. "You will know if you buy it."
People rushed to buy. I was shocked seeing them fight for few copies. The man looked very happy selling many.
I felt he was just taking money, so I walked forward. "Wait…" I said. Everyone looked at me.
"I know the ending… Do you want to hear it without spending?" I smiled.
The seller frowned. "Who are you to—"
I didn't let him finish. "The woman did not accept the man. She lived alone and loved herself. She took the child and raised it as her own, and left the man in the streets who only cheated and wasted his life," I said proudly.
People were shocked. "Why they didn't end up together? Why no marriage? Isn't it better if they became a family?" they complained and returned the books.
I was confused by their reaction. The seller quickly opened the book. "She was wrong. The real ending is they got back together, got married, and had many children," he said.
People rushed again to buy.
I wanted to speak but Sebastian pulled me away. The seller was already angry at me.
We continued walking. "I don't understand… why they still want them to marry? He cheated and left her. He even had a child with another woman. Then he came back just because he was left? That man is shameless," I said.
I can't stop thinking about their reaction. "People really like happy ending… even if it doesn't make sense," I held my head.
I heard Sebastian laugh softly. When I looked, his face is serious again.
"I heard you laugh," I said. He just looked at me like nothing happened.
"I saw you laugh," I insisted, but he just tilted his head like I'm imagining things.
I just walked faster. He is making me more annoyed. After a while, the crowd got thicker so I slowed down again. I stayed quiet when he walked beside me again.
"Now I understand your question why love always loses," he said.
I looked at him.
"There is doubt, jealousy, betrayal, selfishness, and no trust. But even with all that, why some stories still end happy?" he asked.
"Because most people want happy ending. Sad or open endings get criticized," I answered.
He didn't fully understand but continued.
"If bad things happen in love, why they don't remember how they started?" he said.
I looked at him. I don't know how he can say those things even if he is supposed to be a jealous rival.
"They should remember their happy memories. The salamisim will decide," he said.
I stopped. I don't know what he will do as Sebastian Guerrero, the man who will lose in love until the end of this story.