The energy of the Erdruf rippled out and exponentially enveloped the mountain.
As the energy passed through the rock and stone, it shook the material, creating a resonance that send that material to vibrate.
Given that I used the full strength of the spell (something that Schroff warned against) I expected that I'd have a small window to dash through the Death Tunnel, or if not, try and break through the stone.
What I didn't expect was for the spell to abruptly and immediately end, with the earthquake ending, as if a hand grasped the mountain and forced it to stay still.
The spell was cancelled. I didn't do it.
There was only one explanation in my mind.
The Einsam roared in pure frustrated rage.
Okay, make that two explanation.
One, the Ancient Einsam somehow tricked me and revealed a whole new ability, which is to make me think I cast a spell when I didn't.
Except that's impossible because I'm aware of my own mana. Everyone who uses magic is aware of their own mana. The feeling of mana being depleted from a spell being cast, and from a mana exercise or technique are viscerally distinct.
Mana depleted from mana exercise, is like water being poured from a kettle. It's gradual and can surprise beginners who don't notice how long they've been practicing, thus how much mana they used.
Mana depleted from a spell cast, is like someone taking chunks out of cotton candy. Or something that you can take pieces out of. It's very obvious.
And since I didn't miscast, there's only one other explanation.
Number two, the mountain cancelled the spell. Or rather the sealing spell encompassing it.
Given how pissed off the Einsam was, I'm gonna go with that one. Honestly, I think that's the first time it emoted like that with authenticity. Guess it was hoping to hitch a ride out on me. Too bad for it.
And too bad for me, that the sealing spell doesn't distinguish. If the Einsam's mana is connected to me, it won't let me out.
But why didn't that happen before? Of is it because I crossed the threshold of the sealing spell, and outside of it the Einsam was limited in how much mana it could cling onto me?
All those questions were forced to be put aside as the three phantoms moved in sync and attacked.
Spoiler: Dreadful Fight Music
The Phantom Knight dashed at me with a side slash. Ewiglast instantly was in my hands, diagonal block and his sword slammed and continued off to the side, sparks flaring out from the impact and grinding between the swords.
In that time the Phantom Warrior came from above, having jumped over the knight to get to me.
Time slowed. Right knight and warrior combo, so that the mage would target me where ever direction I escape to.
I noticed some more mental strings by the Einsam, and proceeded to cut them off.
Hmm? Is it making them too slow? I'm cutting them off faster than it can make them.
Is Jilwer improving to the point that my thoughts are too fast for the illusion monster?
I jumped to the side a Zoltraak ready ready for all three phantoms. Except I was also moving slowly. My mind was faster than my body.
My mana was also depleting a lot more than usual when I use Jilwer. Is that because I'm using it in two distinct ways at the same time, normal body speed and accelerated thoughts?
No time to philosophize. Or is it self-analyze?
Regardless, I fired the three Zoltraaks, one forward at the knight, one up at the warrior, one to the right that curved and headed to the mage, while I dashed left.
As I moved away from the warrior's attack path, I fired another Zoltraak at the mage, the warrior crashed where I once was, hitting nothing, and suddenly I sensed it.
All my danger sensing from spells (direwolf senses) and skill tingled up and gave me a vague picture of close danger. An attack coming close, I just didn't know where.
Arggefahr. I cast the danger sensing spell on instinct.
And immediately duck at the attack coming from... my right?
A concussive blast hit my barrier from behind, letting me know the Phantom Mage in front of me was an illusion and it was behind me.
But the bigger deal was realizing the knight was much faster than I thought, as it managed to rotate its body, swinging the great sword swiftly enough that I felt the wind slash slice through the air after the blade missed me, and hit the far wall.
No. Wind blade was made from the concentration of mana in the phantom sword and swing.
Regardless, I had to move!
The Phantom Knight moved jumped to the side, just so the Phantom Warrior would have an opening at me.
Except that was all a diversion for the Phantom Mage to attack me from behind. Turns out, the one in front was an illusion, from what I started to see.
I easily jumped over the warrior's side swing, and outright over him, twisted and fired Offensive Magic at both the mage and under me.
The mage gathered the wind, to make a wall of solid air. The warrior slammed into the ground from the force of my Zoltraak. Not dead though.
Well, no. They're all people that likely died to the Einsam, but rather the body didn't dissipate.
I dashed to the mage before they can switch from defense to offense.
The knight ran after me. The phantom was fast, able to cross the distance, but that's when I acted.
I grinned as I acted like I was going to cast mass Zoltraaks at the mage, only break my dash, dig my heels in the ground, as I invoked a barrier around me.
With a twist, I spun facing the knight, firing all the Offensive Magic I readied—
In the Phantom Knight's place was the Phantom Warrior. Axe raised, held by both hands.
My eyes widened. The Zoltraaks crashed into the warrior's body but he was an unrelenting wall. He didn't stop. The axe came down.
Ewiglast came up.
CLANK!
BOOM!
I was standing in a crater, my knees buckled and slammed into the ground.
Heavy. That was the first thought in my head.
The sheer force shattered the ground under me, yet I pushed against the axe with my sword, supposed it, one hand on the handle and another against the flat side of the blade.
He's strong but shouldn't I be able to push against this? It's just a mana construct at the end, not a real person with muscles, bones and mana.
The Phantom Warrior pushed down with his axe at me. I could see the knight dashing at me, fast even with my sped-up thinking, and the mage was preparing a spell.
So I did the first thing that came to mind. I cast Zoltraak and improvised it.
I made the spell move along the sword and a few casting points in front of me.
Then fired them all. From near my elbows magic circles appeared and fired. The edge of Ewiglast glowed white, then blasted forward, making it look like a white blade slashed, fired from a stationary position.
It superficially harmed the Phantom Warrior, but more importantly, it made it take a step back. That was all that I needed to dash to the side and place the warrior between myself and the knight.
The Phantom Mage fired multiple spears of ice and fire. It felt like the air of the cage was both freezing and making my throat dry. Magic that was overwhelming and awe-inspiring.
Wait, why did I think that? This shit is basic.
I slashed the warrior. The blade to the side not digging deep enough, but with my strength and the weight enchant of my sword, it was enough force to launched the warrior toward the knight.
While the knight evaded and maneuvered around the warrior, I spammed the magic barrier to appear in front of coming magic attacks, detonating them and then letting the barrier fall. It conserved some of my mana, but I was depleting it fast. Still over 80%, but that's not reassuring given everything.
The knight finally reached me, and I responded, dashing around and meeting his sword blows with my own.
The Phantom Knight was faster than me, more skilled than me. Ever blow exchanged drew me closer to defeat.
No, I'm matching him!
Then the warrior arrived and every blow I had to dodge or either I would be pancaked and slaughtered. Merely having that axe pass by me, injured me with the wind following the blade.
No. I withstood his strength and can overcome him!
The Phantom Mage was a better mage than me. More versatile.
I don't care.
The Phantom Warrior was vastly stronger than me. A direct blow would be death.
No it won't. I survived.
The Phantom Knight was faster than me. Even with Jilwer and accelerated thinking all I could see was a blur that took everything to react to—
THIS. IS. WRONG.
Perception illusion.
I've experienced it many times already at this point. It wasn't just about tricking me to confuse distance or direction.
It's also how the Einsam is able to make an illusion hit me emotionally even when I know it's not real.
I thought I'd get used to it. The feeling of guilt of killing my "friends" in an illusion usually goes away when I leave the Death Tunnel, only to return fresh the next time I experience it.
It turns out that wasn't all there was to it.
Looks like it can also affect things I never expected, or assumed it can't affect.
Like my belief in my own actual ability compared to my opponents.
How? I've already cut off all of its mental links ...right? Unless... there's something I'm not seeing.
It was time to look into myself once more. There has to be something I'm missing.
I needed space. Time to search and think.
Yet, I wouldn't be able to. I'm not fast enough. Or strong enough. Or—
The doubt started once more.
So I stopped thinking and fell back to the oldest strategy known to man.
Fuck it, we ball.
Spoiler: Theme Music: Fighting Back the Horror
Literally. I made a magic barrier and added a new property to it.
Rubber.
I may not have got the feeling and mindset to cancel inertia, but I can make my magic barriers bounce.
Then I cast a Schnellwurf with one point being myself and the other being the Einsam.
I charged the mana rope to the max.
And let it pull.
I passed over the Einsam's head. A sonic boom followed.
I didn't miss. I hit an illusion. The Einsam was hit by the wind of my passing.
Because the Einsam had to dodge.
I had my full mana sight on. I noticed it.
I said before the Einsam's mana filling the tunnel like a sea "painting" the world. Within that painted sea was a slightly denser colors in the form of the Einsam. And within it an even denser still sphere. The monster's core.
I caught the monster off guard from how bullshit insanely fast my magnet slingshot spell was. That gave me the chance to see that disparity. That gave me the chance to start seeing its weaknesses.
The Defensive Magic slammed into the sealing barrier of the mountain and bounce back up into the middle of the tunnel.
Somehow my mind was working even faster with Jilwer, the faster I was moving under the effect of Schnellwurf.
I readied another Schnellwurf, one point always me, the other a wall angled to ping pong onto another enemy.
It was like those billiard games with the pool assist that shows you the path your ball would take. I will it for my eyes to see, less a spell and more a mana technique.
A path that I could take based on physics trajectory.
I waited till just as my barrier hit the wall to fire Schnellwurf again.
A path I made real.
My bouncing barrier sphere hit the ceiling. Then another wall.
Then the ground in front of the Phantom Mage before it could react.
None of the illusions-come-to-life phantoms could react sans the knight.
The Phantom Knight managed to get to us, me and the mage. Not to attack me, but to pull the mage back.
I grinned.
I targeted another Schnellwurf. This time at the warrior.
But not before firing another spell. Right here, in front of the two phantoms.
Literally arm's length away from me.
"Flammenbruch."
The ground glowed and I targeted only the surface so as not to activate the mountain's sealing barrier.
Explosion of fire blazed out, hitting the ceiling and filling the tunnel, right as I fired the Schnellwurf.
The force of the explosion and my magnet slingshot spell fired me at many times faster than sound.
I held Ewiglast at ready, moving at speeds that pushed my body to the brink of blacking out from the acceleration.
I pulled back my magic barrier from a sphere to a wall behind me.
I swing my sword.
The Phantom Warrior only had time to bring his axe up.
I sliced through the weapon and the Phantom Warrior's head, breaking the mana construct and sending the memory of this warrior back to death.
Barrier fully back up as a sphere again as I was still going forward.
Three phantoms destroyed. The fired was pushed from the Einsam by its energy. It's body looked different for a second. I only caught that it was singed before it reformed to its normal dark form.
Spoiler: Theme Music: Comeback Against the Horror
Were those illusions, or was it putting an illusion over its injured form?
It had a snarl on its face as it let out a growl. Actual anger.
Heh. Regardless the tables are starting to turn.
I cast Schnellwurf.
Another illusion showed up in my path. Blass, one of the older kids in the orphanage.
"Wai—" 'He' shouted before splattering into gore over the barrier, from how fast I was moving.
I ignored him and every other kid that 'appeared' in my path. I focused only on the concentrated mass with in the Einsam's mana. I targeted its core.
The Einsam dodged, moving the core as swiftly as I do with my magnet slingshot spell, but with more control over it's body, as if inertia didn't apply to it.
Thank god. That meant that it didn't learn it from me. Hopefully.
Odds are this made it looked like it teleported to those lucky few adventurers that got close to killing it. Damn that must have sucked for them.
The Einsam roared in annoyance at me, its mana moving in waves now. The 'sea' that filled the tunnel was now turbulent.
And dozens upon dozens of phantoms of fallen adventurers formed between me and the Einsam. Even the ones I defeated returned!
Spoiler: Army From Dead Memories
Shit. Although I noticed that their mana concentration was much higher than the others. Guess they were elite units and these are just grunt meant to fill up numbers.
Still though, Murphy can you lay off my ass and not take everything I say as a challenge?!
I cast Schnellwurf once more, bouncing off the walls, the ground, up to the ceiling—
The Phantom Knight appeared upside down, materializing from the ceiling and slashed down, or rather upward at me.
I was bounce right to the Phantom Warrior who used his axe to try and stop me in place, slamming and pushing my barrier ball into the ground.
Then the ground rose up under the command of the revived Phantom Mage to capture my barrier and started to form earth spikes to pierce it from multiple directions.
My mana levels are now at 50% from all the crazy shit I was doing and all the Schnellwurf I cast back to back.
I can't fight forever and I still need energy for the trip back
"Minus, any chance you can refill my mana again?" I just shamelessly asked.
"Hahahahahaha!" Minus laughed back. "No." She said plainly. I should have expected it. I did expected it and yet hoped... "You have entered this situation willingly, young Trenn. It should be within your capability to get out." She said. "Although, you still need the moss to cure your mentor's poison."
I grimaced at the reminder. I didn't even have time to think about the moss. I'm not even sure if I grab one it would be real.
"I'll be waiting for you in Ackerheim." She said with her tone some bit of finality. Like anything I ask her after this will be ignored.
I grunted in thanks. There were no other words needed, I guess.
Beat the monster, get the plant, get back. I focused on the present situation.
The first revived Phantom Knight was an illusion, and the Einsam can form the phantoms at any location in the tunnel.
Motherfucker! I really, really fucking hate fighting illusionists.
And how the hell did he sneak a mental thread at me?! No. Wait, he didn't. That was an external illusion.
I fired Schnellwurf empowering the barrier on one side more, and shatter the earth hold and spikes. A question still in my mind as I thought of a different strategy.
But how did he make me think the phantom was real—
The Phantom Knight at the ceiling disappeared. Broken into mana particles and immediately reformed in front of me and slammed me back to the warrior whose axe had magical winds empowering and sharpening it, courtesy of the mage.
I enforced the barrier at where the axe will hit.
Crack.
Me and my barrier were stopped in place. The axe embedded in it and not moving further. The Phantom Warrior struggled to dislodge the axe, then held it in place. And the mage raised the earth again and grabbed my barrier, trying to crush it.
Some phantom soldier, adventures and even peasants jumped on the barrier banging on it with whatever weapon they had.
Dammit, how did this happen!? I growled before realization hit me.
The first Phantom Knight was real, yes, but the moment I wasn't paying attention to it, the Einsam dispelled it and reformed it at the ceiling, while keeping an illusion of it on the ground.
Making me think the Phantom Knight was still there by manipulating perception.
Again. I fucking. Hate. Illusionist.
Screw this. Flammenbruch seems to work, I'll just blow the shit outta this whole place.
I began casting the fire spell.
Only for the Phantom Mage to cast some kind of counterspell. A rippled of energy went throughout the ground equal to my Flammenbruch, disrupting it and destroying it. The spell broke before it could take effect.
And the mana of the spell was also wasted. Gone.
The Ancient Einsam laughed. The phantoms laughed with it. A choir of mocking ghosts.
Spoiler: Theme Music: The Horror Retakes the Pace
Anger pulsed hotly in my chest. More than I remember feeling before. Part of it is probably another push by the perception illusion, making the situation seem like something I should be more pissed off at.
For a moment I thought about saying fuck it and just give Reelseiden a shot here and now.
...No. Mentally I'm in the worst place to try and create the spell. I don't want to make it nerfed to hell and back, since I'm fighting something that can literally fuck up how I see the world.
What if the spell worked as intended and I only saw it doing a very weak effect? That belief will fuck up the spell.
Yet, thinking about Reelseiden immediately made me think about it's original user from the anime.
Übel.
The psychopathic hot chick for the armpit fetishists.
And while her character is something many would go shout 'WAIFU' for, it another trait of hers that is now ringing in my mind.
Empathic mimicking.
Or whatever the formal term for it was. Übel had the ability to learn other people's spells by understanding the caster's character and personality.
She did it by instinct.
I wondered if I can do it intentionally.
I didn't pause or give the Einsam or his phantom army the chance to do something more.
I draw the spell shape for the basic fireball spell I knew, modified it's shape and cast it.
The spell worked by igniting the air. So I ignited the air around the barrier and burst it outward.
It blasted the phantoms back sans the Phantom Warrior, and the Phantom Mages spikes. The spikes were weakened by got reinforced immediately.
Then I dropped the barrier.
The axe continued its swing. the spikes elongated.
I trained with an Elf Archer. With my enhancements, body strengthening, Jilwer and other spells I could dodge those attacked with my eyes closed.
Instead as I dashed forward, the axe missing me, jumping and moving through the spike in half-parkour and half-flight, I focused on the mana sea around me.
The mana of the Einsam saturating the Death Tunnel. It was trying to grab at me, to affect me. It constantly did while I'm in the tunnel.
I let my mana burst out of me like a continuous wave. Like I was a determined blot of ink ruining the painting.
And made my mana grab at the sea around me, and pull it in me.
The Einsam shrieked in confusion. startled by the action, as it seemed like I was letting it into me. Making its illusions easier to inject.
But no. I was the one injecting the Einsam's mana I grabbed. I imagined a filter and sifted its mana through it.
It was a long shot. Maybe Übel doesn't do it like this. Maybe this way isn't correct.
But I didn't stop. I didn't hesitate. I didn't think.
I grinded and sifted the Einsam's mana making the filter discard everything about the mana other than information. Intention.
The phantoms attacked, headed by the Phantom Knight. I focused on the knight while grabbing the Einsam's mana.
And then...
Deja vu.
That was the only feeling for what I experienced next.
Deja vu mixed with out of body experience.
I swerved out of the diagonally upward slash. I spun replicating the upward slash taking off the knight's head.
Before the body could crumble, I was onto the next phantom.
Direct thrust, wind gathered onto Ewiglast. The phantom was pierced through like paper. Upward slash to finish it, spin take out the next three phantoms lunging at me.
The Phantom Warrior reached me, axe swinging from the side.
I reverse gripped, holding my sword with both hands pointing it down.
CLANK!
I never noticed how my body strengthen changed. Denser mana yet moving more fluid, faster through my body.
I stopped his slash dead, a shockwave rippled out. I spun moving forward into the warrior's personal space, pushing the axe away, while drawing him in, from his committed stance.
My mana moved instinctively, surging minutely, as I stepped forward. I punched and it was like my mana went off like a bomb on impact.
My fist, my arm burst through the Phantom warrior's torso.
I felt my fist make contact with bone. His spine.
I grabbed it and ripped it out. The mana construct shattered.
Plasma fired like a beam was coming at me.
I formed a spinning pyramid shield in front of me. The beam hit it dead center and the beams flew in different directions hitting tens upon tens of phantoms nearby.
I felt the phantoms coming from behind. I pointed back and fired a cloud of lightning. Once the lightning hit one phantom, it jump from one to the next.
There wasn't really knowledge in my head. More like... the dream of information. A feeling of what I knew could be done, as if I did it before to the point of instinct.
Yet I didn't know the mechanics of what I was doing. Felt like, that even thinking about it, would erase this erase this trance and ability I was going through.
I only had feelings, and I wanted to add my own signature into what's happening.
A spear of earth fired from ground next to me at the Phantom Mage.
It made the spinning pyramid shield. I coated the earth spike with Zoltraak. My spear broke through the pyramid barrier, spiking through the mage and break its mana construct body.
I summoned some of the rock from the ground, transformed them into a clear crystals, then spun them around me. The crystals gathered light and fired them as they spun.
Once the spell ended I dashed at the nearest of the phantoms left, slashing and cutting without pause or mercy.
An elation in the flow I was going through swam through my body.
The Einsam came at me. It's core body was so clear now. As if those flow state showed me what I was too busy being serious and strung up to notice, while semi-relaxed like this.
Or maybe it's because I was drawing in and breaking its mana it couldn't hide itself efficiently as it did before.
The Ancient Einsam slashed at me with it's claws. I swung Ewiglast and cut off it's arm. It's real arm, given it's scream.
The Phantom Mage was back and my full mana sight showed me it was formed behind the Einsam to hide it as it readied its spell.
I jumped back, a Zoltraak at ready as I extended and arm forward—
The Einsam lunged with its other arm.
Its other arm grew and elongated, bulking up as it reaching out to me.
It was nothing but another illusion so I would focus on evading and not firing my spell.
I fired the Zoltraak.
The Einsam hand engulfed my head and everything turned dark.
Ḭ̸̴̸̶̵͝ ̸̴̸̸̸̰͑s̵̷̵̷̸͎̏u̴̶̷̴̸̧͒ñ̶̸̸̷̸̠k̶̷̷̷̴̥̕ ̸̷̶̸̷̗̊í̴̶̶̷̸̞ṋ̸̶̴̸̵͗t̵̴̸̵̵̐͜o̷̴̶̴̸̞͌ ̴̴̸̵̵̲̀m̷̶̴̸̴͙̉ý̸̴̷̸̷̡ ̴̸̶̷̴̯́m̴̴̶̸̷̧͒i̴̵̷̸̶̳̇ǹ̶̴̶̷̵͈d̵̵̶̵̵̬́.̴̷̵̴̷̫̃ ̴̶̸̴̶̪̈
Then sight returned as the Einsam was breaking up into mana particles. My last magic attack hit.
I took a large gulp of air. My breathing was the loudest thing I could hear followed by the distant sound of waves from the sea.
I placed a hand on my chest, my heart was beating insanely fast. I looked around, focused with mana detection to see the monster was still around. If this was a trick.
Nothing.
So far at least. Another minute and still nothing, even with all my focused searching.
I didn't let down my guard, but I finally went and grabbed my bag that fell at some point, plucked a handful of Shineglow Moss and slammed them into the bag.
I floated up, readied Schnellwurf, and blasted out of the tunnel.
I had cast Phaitagurd and flew up to the sky.
Nothing happened.
"Okay." I nodded to myself. "Hahahaha, okay, okay, okay then." I started laughing, relief pouring through my veins like a drug. "WOOOOW!" I shouted in pure joy. "I WOOON!"
I coughed from crying out for so long.
"Time to get back." I said, angled myself in the correct direction and blasted off.
I don't remember how long it took to make it back to Ackerheim. It almost felt like no time at all.
I quickly went to the inn Schroff was at. Minus was there, congratulating me and all. I felt happy? at the praise, before she took the moss to make the antidote.
Schroff woke up fine and thanked me.
We talked for a long while. About what happened, about the losses in Schwanz. About the future and what we should do.
Eventually my mentor felt tired and I left him so he can get some rest.
I looked around in the inn for Minus but she was nowhere to be seen. I thought to look for her with mana detection but let it go for now.
I left the inn to just find some place to sit and calm down from everything.
"Trenn?" A... familiar voice I hadn't expected called out. I looked behind me to see the matron of the Calm Orphanage.
"Ms. Gütig?" I blinked unable to believe my eyes. She looked... honestly she looked like shit. Like someone whose been through hell.
She was alive. Alive and... maybe that was enough.
"I knew it. I knew it, at least you, you..." She broke down, fell to her knees and started crying. I immediately was by her side.
"Hey, hey! Ms. Gütig. You're okay, you're okay." I said, rubbing her back and helping her up.
"You're alive. You're alive, at least one of them lived. One of the children," she sobbed some more.
I helped her to a bench and got her some water.
"T-Thank you." She said after drinking it and drying her eyes with her sleeves. "I'm sorry, I must seem to terrible. Just breaking down like that."
"It's understandable, Ms. Gütig, given everything." I said, slowly moving and sitting next to her. I placed a hand on her back, moving it in circles to comfort the old matron.
At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but much to my guilt I felt glad someone survived.
"You, you don't understand, Trenn. It was, it was horrible." She started to say, but I felt she might spiral into crying again if she continued.
"There was nothing you could have done," I said. "It was all the Anti-Elf Coalition's fault. They are the monsters in this."
"Those monsters were slain. From what the townspeople told me." Ms. Gütig said as she looked forward.
I looked and blinked in surprise as I just noticed people were moving about in a celebratory manner. Joking, cheering and merriment. There was quiet cheerful laughing echoing in the streets.
I never noticed as I didn't pay attention to it. I guess it was always there in the background.
"Yeah..." I said, not really sure what to say.
"If only I could have done something. I couldn't even avenge them, someone else had to do it." Ms. Gütig lamented, looking down hauntingly.
"...I did it." I felt myself push the words out. Just somehow wanting to comfort her. "I destroyed that army. Slayed it down to the last man."
Ms. Gütig looked at me shocked. An look of understanding came to her for a moment, before sadness took over once more.
"...I see." She said.
"You... don't seem glad." I said.
"It doesn't change what I did." Ms. Gütig said, making me frown.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"...How do you think I'm alive, Trenn?" She asked looking at me, and before I could answer she continued. "I left them." Ms. Gütig cried again, quieter this time and looked down. "I only cared about saving myself and ran away."
Anger rose up in me. I wanted to shout at her. Even punch her for acting like that...
But what good would it do? Everyone was already dead.
"It was an army." I finally said after a long quiet moment. "There was nothing you could have done. You being alive is miracle enough. The only repentance you can do is remembering them and doing better."
"...Is that what you will tell yourself from now on?" Ms. Gütig asked, and I felt a pit of ice in my stomach.
"What?"
"You said you destroyed that army. You have all that power," she turned to me, her face full of anguish and hatred. "So why didn't arrive earlier?"
I leaned away from her, as I half turned to face her while seated on the bench.
"Ms. Gütig, I didn't know, there was nothing I could have done!" I said, for some reason I felt too defensive.
"But if you care you'd have been there earlier." She said, and before I could interrupt, her next words stopped my reply in my throat. "You always hated being in the orphanage surrounded by others. You hated helping out even while you did it as fast as possible." Ms. Gütig spoke, tone losing it's intensity, almost crying. "Why did you want to leave so badly?"
===
"I... I don't—" I tried to say, to explain, justify, anything, but Ms. Gütig wouldn't let me.
"You thought you hide it, but you looked so disgusted that first few times I asked you to look after little Rein. As if the thought of someone asking you for help was so horrendous."
An ache bloomed within my chest. I looked away.
"I don't... remember that." I said that, but I felt that would be something I would have done.
Might be something I'd have done once or twice before realizing this life would be like the last, and just quickly put on the blank mask.
Take task. Do task. Do everything before emotions register or processed. Accept disruptions are gonna be the norm again.
I wanted to leave right away.
"You grew out of it." Ms. Gütig said. "Or rather you hide it better. I learned not to ask you for anything too new or different than you already did. Looking after Rein is something you were used to, since she clung to you like a duckling. The younger kids liked being quiet around you. But those your age or older, you hated being around, or being drawn to their games." She let out one lone sad chuckle. I tried to imitate her but couldn't muster up the energy. "Helping move heavy things around, was okay. Getting eggs or milking the goats was not." She continued almost clinically. "It took a while before I understood it, as Mr. Löwenjunges explained it to me. You liked tasks that helped you move and work your body, but not something menial. Even then, you always treated my voice like it was something dreadful."
Because requests followed afterwards.
"Sorry. I... didn't realize I had that effect... that my attitude was that bad." I said. The words heavy, the guilt and annoyance weighing me down.
Part of me wanted to shout, 'why the hell are you asking for help from a child?'
Another, the more mature one calmly said, 'You are smart, you are capable, she's old and overwhelmed. Was a little help too much to ask?'
I hated that voice of mine. I hated how reasonable it sounded. It was the same voice I had in my past life.
I don't even know why I hate it anymore. Just that it appearing means frustrated misery for whatever situation in front of me, if I'm not the one resolving it, fixing it, acting on it, then it was my fault.
"I always knew you'd leave the orphanage as soon as you could. I just never expected it to be so fast. Was magic worth it? Was it everything you imagined?" Ms. Gütig asked.
"...Yes."
"I'm happy for you." Ms. Gütig said it almost resigned. A tone that tried to sound happy for the other person, but failed. "Truly, I just... wish you had the power to have been there."
"I could have." The words left my mouth before I could stop them.
My eyes widened in horror. Why did I open my mouth? Why did I start and say that?
"..." Ms. Gütig looked at me with an equally horrified look.
"I... That's how I reached the city yesterday." All that happened had been one day? "Jilwer, it's... one of the spells I learned. A travel spell to move fast." Shut up. Shut up. Stop trying to justify yourself. "I could have before but... I didn't because... I didn't... I didn't expect." What words could excuse my inaction, the destruction that fell upon Schwanz. "I'm sorry."
The words felt empty. Hollow.
Worthless.
I expected anger from the matron then. A shout. A scolding. Something intense and violent.
I expected it. Maybe even wished for it. I was fine with that.
I heard a quiet wail. A sob.
My heart dropped. I looked to the side to see face in her hands as tears and crying came from her, that she tried to stifle.
I reached out, wanting to comfort her, to hug her. To just make her pain stop.
To make her stop.
I flinched away at the last moment. What right did I have to try and make her feel not so bad? To try and tell her not to be sad or despair?
I wish she would stop. I wish today would end.
I want to go to sleep and forget today.
I want to run. I wan to go away.
I can run. I have Jilwer. I can move.
...I stay in my seat. I am grabbing the wood of the bench and looking down. I hear the wood creek and realize that, in this life I'm strong enough that I could break it with my bare hands. I don't even need magic to do it.
An instant of happiness at remembering this accomplishment. A wave of guilt, shame and self-loathing fall upon me and drown everything out.
This almost doesn't real. Like a horrible nightmare—
"Old Gütig? Trenn?" A voice spoke out and hope burned in my chest.
Gütig crying stumbled in the middle, like she couldn't quite process if she did hear that voice or didn't.
I looked up and felt my heart hollow, a moment before relief poured in. Like I couldn't quite yet let belief sink in to what I'm seeing.
"Y-You're here!? You're okay!" Lässig exclaimed, holding a little girl's hand.
Holding Rein's hand.
"Lässig! Rein! My dear boy and girl!" Matron Gütig shot up and ran toward them, falling to her knees and grabbing them in her arms. Hugging and kissing their heads. They hugged her back. Her wailing turned to crying in joy.
I ran toward them, only for my mind to remind me at the last second. Do I even deserve this? Do I have the right to hug them and tell them I'm glad they're okay?
I stood to the side of them, unsure. Ms. Gütig looked to the side at me, her expression told me she was unsure whether to glare in contempt, or extend a hand in pity and sympathy and compassion.
The choice was taken from us by Rein.
"Trenn!" Rein broke from them and latched onto me.
I just reacted. I kneeled down and hugged her. My face growing warm and tears just spilled out.
"You're okay." My words poured out without rhyme, reason or thought. "You're okay. You're okay. I'm so sorry. You're okay. Happy birthday, I'm sorry I wasn't there. You're okay."
I stopped thinking. Just glad that something good happened. That me not being there, didn't cost everyone, everything.
I̴̶̵s̸̵̸ ̴̵̵i̴̴̷t̵̸̷ ̴̴̸r̷̴̴e̴̵̸a̸̵̸l̴̷̶l̴̵̴y̸̷̴ ̷̴̴t̶̶̵h̷̴̵a̶̸̴t̷̷̸ ̵̶̶e̴̸̶a̶̸̶s̴̸̴y̵̵̵?̵̵̸ ̴̸̵A̸̷̷m̸̵̴ ̷̸̴I̷̷̸ ̴̶̸r̶̶̷e̷̴̴a̷̶̵l̸̵̶l̶̵̵y̶̵̴ ̴̵̸t̴̵̸h̴̸̵a̴̶̷t̷̴̴ ̶̴̸l̷̷̷u̷̷̴c̴̵̶k̷̵̸y?̸̷̶ ̸̴̴I̵̸̶s̴̴̸n̸̴̶'̴̷̷t̷̴̷ ̷̶̸t̷̵̷h̴̷̴i̷̵̶s̷̵̸ ̵̵̵t̴̴̸o̴̸̴o̸̷̶ ̴̷̴g̴̴̸o̵̶̵o̷̷̵d̸̸̴ ̵̸̸o̸̴̵f̶̸̶ ̶̵̴a̸̴̸ ̵̸̷f̴̸̶o̷̷̵r̷̸̴t̷̵̷u̸̷̴n̸̵̶e̴̶̶?̶̷̸ ̶̶̸I̴̸̵s̶̷̸ ̸̵̷t̷̵̸h̷̷̵i̸̴̷s̵̸̴ ̷̵̶l̴̶̸o̷̴̵g̶̴̴i̵̴̷c̶̸̸a̵̸̴l̷̵̸?̵̴̴
Another pair of arms hugged me.
"I'm so glad you're okay, kid." Lässig spoke, his body warm and comforting to feel. A reassurance that he was alive.
A hand was on my shoulder. I looked up to see the matron smiling at me, as if beginning to forgive me.
Maybe. Just maybe not all was lost and what happened could be healed?
Time passes?
Time passes and the Calm Orphanage was remade. Now in Ackerheim. Turns out Lässig and Rein weren't the only ones who survived. A few others made it too.
My roommates lucky enough. Rot, Nervös and Ungeduld, along with a few others. Zorn, Ruf, Klien. Maybe Mut?
I don't remember all the names.
There were even more kids now. Dozens. Close to a hundred.
Rein stays at my side always now.
And... and my magic training. Schroff...
"I don't think I can be your teacher anymore."
"Wha... what do you mean?"
"Trenn, I'm old. I don't think I can use magic as I used to. The poison made sure of that. Dont' worry though, I have already taught you all I know. You're a smart kid, I'm sure you'll be fine.
And as for Minus...
I stared at Minus' back, trepidation beating in my chest.
"So you made your choice?" Minus said with an odd finality. It wasn't like I said I won't see her again, or not be her student. Just... not at the moment.
"Y-Yeah." I said looking down, not even able to stare at her back, like I'm not worthy to do so anymore. "Schroff said he taught me all he could, so I'm not under a different master, but! They need me here." I forced myself to look up. "It's only for a few years! Not a lot for you, you know. Once the orphanage is able to stand on it's own, I'll come find you and—"
I met Minus' eyes and they were black. Like pools of void.
A blink and they were normal eyes again. For an instant it felt like seeing the infinite and it was disappointed in me.
"Drive." She finally said.
"Huh?" I blinked, confused at her words.
"The drive for magic, for more. That curiosity and will pushing you ever forward. That drive that I always saw in you is gone." Minus said like a judge delivering a verdict.
"I..." Without realizing I took a step back from her.
"I will give you once last chance. Leave this town now. Come with me here and now and start your journey. Or stay and know we'll never meet again." Minus ultimatum slammed down upon me.
My heart was beating loudly in my heart. I could feel its vibrations. Ringing was constantly firing in my ears. So loud that it deafened everything else.
My guilt and obligations warred with the possibilities of what could be. Of what my obligation was telling me to throw away.
The right thing to do was to stay. To tell Minus that I have a life of my own, a responsibility here and now. That she can't impose such a choice on me, when other lives depend on me.
W̸̶̶̶̸̴̷h̵̶̸̸̴̴̷e̴̵̷̸̴̴̵r̷̵̴̷̴̸̵e̴̴̴̶̶̷̵ ̴̵̵̷̴̸̷h̶̸̷̵̸̷̷a̶̶̷̵̶̸̶v̶̴̴̴̴̵̵e̴̵̷̵̷̴̸ ̶̷̵̵̸̵̵I̵̴̶̶̴̸̶ ̸̴̴̷̷̴̴h̴̴̸̵̷̸̶e̷̶̷̷̷̶̴a̶̶̸̴̵̸̶r̷̶̶̴̸̷̷d̵̶̶̴̴̶̴ ̴̸̴̴̸̷̸t̷̴̴̴̶̸̷h̵̵̷̶̵̸̵e̷̸̷̶̶̶̸s̵̴̴̴̶̴̸e̶̵̶̸̸̷̷ ̸̸̴̵̷̴̸w̸̴̷̷̸̶̶o̸̵̶̸̶̵̵r̷̶̷̴̴̸̴d̷̴̷̷̸̵̶s̵̶̶̴̸̵̷ ̶̵̸̸̸̸̵b̷̵̶̷̵̸̸e̸̴̷̵̴̵̶f̷̵̷̵̴̶̷o̸̶̷̷̸̵̸r̴̵̵̴̸̵̸e̷̴̵̶̴̶̸?̷̴̴̶̸̵̵ ̶̶̸̵̷̶̵T̴̸̷̶̷̴̵h̴̸̸̶̷̸̴e̵̵̸̴̴̸̴s̵̶̵̸̵̶̵e̸̷̸̶̷̵̶ ̸̸̷̵̴̶̴w̴̵̸̷̴̸̸o̴̴̸̷̴̶̷r̸̶̴̸̴̵̵d̵̷̸̵̶̴̷s̸̴̵̶̸̷̴ ̸̶̵̸̵̸̸I̷̶̴̸̷̶̵'̵̸̸̷̴̵̴m̵̷̵̵̷̶̴ ̸̶̸̷̷̴̵t̶̵̴̶̴̷̷e̸̶̶̶̸̶̴l̷̵̸̷̴̴̶l̷̸̴̵̷̵̸i̵̴̵̷̵̶̵n̶̶̷̵̶̷̴g̷̷̸̴̴̴̴ ̷̷̸̶̸̴̷m̴̷̴̵̴̶̴y̶̵̵̵̷̷̶s̸̶̷̴̴̷̶e̴̷̷̵̵̷̸l̸̶̸̴̷̶̷f̵̵̸̸̶̵̸.̵̸̵̵̶̶̶ ̸̵̶̵̵̵̷
"Trenn!" Rein called out to me.
I looked back to see her running toward me. There were other kids with her. I couldn't focus on them. They were unimportant—
No, they were. That type of thinking is what lead me to almost losing everything before.
"Come on! Ms. Ms. Gu-Ten says they're making duck tonight. She said there's enough for the whole place, and enough rice too!" Rein said excitedly as she grabbed my arm. She pulled me a step with her, as I wasn't focused on standing still.
The other kids were latching on me too as an older brother. Like puppies gathering around someone they feel safe around.
I̸̴̸ ̴̸̴d̵̸̵e̶̵̵s̸̸̸p̸̴̸i̵̴̸s̶̶̶e̸̴̴d̵̵̶ ̸̵̷i̵̷̸t̴̸̴.̷̸̶ ̷̸̶
"W-Wait a minute, Rein, I'm just talking to..." I began to say, as I looked back to see Minus giving me one last look before turning and walking away.
"Trenn! Come on or we'll miss all the chicken wings." Rein said.
One of the other kids said it would be 'duck wings' not chicken, and then the kids devolved into an argument that it all means the same, because they should have gotten what she meant.
Slowly I found myself walking with Rein and the kids, finding it too late to say anything now.
It would look bad.
It would hurt their feelings.
It would make me look bad and Minus probably wouldn't want such an indecisive student anyways.
I left with the kids toward the home I could imagine, and left behind the unknown future I couldn't.
I could still use magic of course. I had to keep up my practice.
But...
Not as much as I used to.
New patch of kids. Children and infants. Refugees from Schwanz.
The Anti-Elf Coalition apparently returned and detonated an experimental alchemic bomb. A mix to spells and enchantment that made the city unviable, unlivable.
Those that survived were scared. Adults became unable to use mana.
Those young had it worse. They gained hypersensitivity to it.
It... hurt those kids to feel mana brush against them.
I was the one assigned most to babysit them. I was close to their age. I was responsible. I was the one they felt comfortable with. Safe with.
Rein always wanted to play with me. She was one of those who suffered from the alchemy bomb, suffered mana hypersensitivity.
I... couldn't practice my body strengthening. Not even my mana sensing.
She wants to play with me. Wants to spend time with me. Wants to not lose me again.
I want that too but...
"Aaaaah!" Rein cried out, flinching away from me.
"Sorry!" I said, cutting off my mana channeling training.
"I-It hurts." Rein cried in a small voice.
"Sorry, I thought I limited it. I didn't think that could even be sensed." I said quickly. I had suppressed my mana. Suppressed it to nil. Doing that while using other mana techniques like mana detection, or body strengthening, or adjusting the strengthening to act like Jilwer, it was tough, it was challenging, it was fascinating when I managed to make headway but...
"Trenn! What did you do? Didn't I tell you not to practice magic around the kids. I thought you were more responsible than that!" The Matron cried out as she came to us.
"It, it's fine! It doesn't hurt that much." Rein quickly said, hiding her hand behind her back.
The Matron quickly grabbed Rein's arm to see her hand. The skin was reddened, bursting with hives from the reaction to mana.
"See! See what you did! Why Trenn? Can't you do that stuff later?" The Matron begged, disappointment underlying anger in her voice.
"I-I didn't meant to. It shouldn't have happened." It literally shouldn't. I don't understand. What was there for the sensitivity to catch onto. To react to.
"Trenn, please! There's too much work and I can't have the children getting sick. Especially not because of you."
It's not my fucking fault! Why are you depending on me and not someone else?!
I wanted to shout. I wanted to tell her to screw off, but I just looked down and took the scolding and the lecture. I'm used to this.
N̷̸̵o̵̶̷t̶̷̸ ̶̷̵i̸̴̶n̷̴̸ ̸̷̵t̵̶̸h̸̶̵i̵̴̶s̶̶̸ ̸̶̵l̷̸̴i̵̵̵f̶̷̴e̷̶̸ ̴̷̷I̵̶̷'̵̴̴m̷̶̸ ̶̵̷n̴̶̵o̷̴̶t̴̶̶!̵̷̶
"I-It's okay!" Rein spoke up after a while. "It doesn't hurt! Really!" She said, which just made the Matron more upset but also made her hold her tongue.
Rein always comes to hang out with me, even when I don't have chore. Like she's afraid I'll be gone, or lost somewhere.
Even in those moments when I'm free so I can practice magic, she comes to find me.
And now I'm being scolded because of her.
I hated Rein for a moment because of this.
And immediately guilt and self-hatred slammed into me from within. I'm the adult here. I'm the one responsible. Why am I blaming a child for wanting to hang out with someone she cares about, someone she loves?
I don't deserve this empathy. I am scum for thinking like this.
Even after the Matron left due to chores than anything, even when the mood to play was ruined, Rein still wanted to hang out with me.
I felt annoyed and hated myself even more for feeling that way.
Rein deserves better. I should be better. Why am I like this?
Another day passes. It's been... weeks? Months?
The days by, each one a copy of the other. Sometimes I'm not sure what day of the week it is. They all blend in like one giant goop of time.
The misery and dullness set in with my life being a cycle of work in the orphanage or looking after the kids. The older ones are also pulling their weight. They praise me for helping out. For being so mature.
I like it. I hate it too. Being praised for something I don't want.
It feels like I'm losing time. Like there's so much I want to do, and that list is growing ever bigger, yet it gets crushed by the list of duties I have to carry out.
The world feels dull. I'm always thinking of what I have to do next. A constant pressure that never ends. The world feels less real everyday from how much I'm living in anxiety of the future.
It never ends.
Even now with my free time, all I can think about is the dread of going back to the orphanage. I can't bail. Only a shitty person would abandon their family, the people who care about them, and want them around. I don't even know why they want me around.
It feels too much sometimes.
S̵̴̶̸̷̴̸O̷̷̷̷̴̶̸M̷̸̸̴̸̷̵E̶̷̶̶̴̵̸B̶̴̷̸̷̷̵O̶̷̶̸̴̴̶D̶̷̶̶̴̷̴Y̴̴̸̸̸̴̷ ̴̵̸̵̴̷̸H̶̶̸̴̸̷̷E̷̷̸̶̶̵̵L̷̸̴̸̷̴̴P̶̵̸̸̵̵̴ ̷̴̶̷̶̵̸M̵̵̷̸̴̴̶E̶̷̶̶̴̸̵,̸̶̶̵̵̸̵ ̵̴̸̵̴̶̷P̸̸̶̴̴̶̵L̴̷̶̸̴̶̷E̶̸̶̴̴̸̷A̶̸̶̶̶̶̵S̵̴̴̴̸̶̵E̷̶̸̷̶̷̸!̸̶̴̵̷̴̴
"Boy, are you constipated or something?" A voice cracks through all my thought.
A voice that that sounded too distinct, unlike the wall of sound from the townspeople or the kids I look after, this felt too sharp, too firm.
I looked up to see a woman sitting by the side of the road on a small fence of stone. I didn't even notice her during my walk around town. I didn't even notice how the area I was in wasn't as noisy with people as usual.
The woman had long vibrant orange hair, styled into a thick braid. Her blue-green eyes seemed to look at me with amused curiosity.
Spoiler: Kind Stranger
"Huh?" I said back. It wasn't really because of her question (I wasn't constipated, just deep in thought), but rather looking at this woman... the colors of her hair, eyes, clothes... it all seemed too vibrant.
As if she was too real for this world.
"Why does a brat like you looks like they have the world on their shoulders?" She asked again, that amusement shining in her tone.
"What are you talking about?" I asked deflecting.
"Come here." She said casually, yet her voice and tone were strong. Like my listening to her was inevitable. "Sit, sit." She patted the place next to her. "Boys your age shouldn't have the miserable look in their eyes. You should wait a few years till you're married first or something. Or having to meet a king after having fucked his daughter, then you can look that dreadful."
"...The fuck kinda advice is that!? And one to give to a kid no less!"
"Ahahaha!" She laughed, her voice somehow braking through some filter on how this interaction should have gone. "Finally dropped that polite mask. Good, good." The Orange Woman grinned.
"Being polite is normal." I said stiffly as I sat next to the Orange Woman.
The annoying thing was, I couldn't help but want to relax in her presence. Like I had to intentionally try to be rigid and annoyed.
"True, but not at the expense at torturing yourself." She replied in a casual playful tone.
"What are you talking about?" I said back, almost flinching at her words.
"I've seen you around carrying logs and rock for the orphanage or making deliveries. You sure you're okay?" She asked, tilting her head.
Wait, did she think?
"I'm fine." I said reflexively. "I mean, I'm strong and I'm a mage, so those jobs are nothing to me." I clarified in a calmer tone.
"Oh? A mage?" Her eyes shined in interest. "What's your favorite spell?"
"Huh?"
"Your favorite spell. Come on now, surely you can think of one." She teased.
"...Jilwer." I said letting out a sigh, the anxiety knot in my chest loosening somewhat. "A spell to move and travel quickly." I unconsciously smiled. I was surprised at finding someone to talk magic with. "Although I'm aiming for another spell in the future."
"Oh? What is it?" Interest colored her tone.
"Reelseiden. I know it's probably considered an ordinary cutting spell, but technically it's a spell that can cut almost anything." I looked forward, almost in daydream at something I currently can't believe to be real. "But one day I'll turn it into a spell that can cut anything."
"How inspiring," The Orange Woman laughed. Not in mocking or teasing, but in that odd encouraging way an adult listens to a child's dream, and thinks it might be possible for them, and that realization unexpectedly brings them joy or hope about the future. "So why don't you do so?"
"Huh?" I stared back at her, blinking in confusion.
"I've seen you around, but I've hardly seen you practice or use magic. Not even just to play around and have fun with it." She said, not judgingly, but observing a fact.
"I..." I look away, down towards the ground. "A lot of the kids at the orphanage are survivors of what happened in Schwanz. Many of them suffer from mana hypersensitivity. It would cause them pain or for their skin to break out into hives at the slightest interaction with foreign mana."
"Hmm, I see." She said, nodding. "Then why not just use mana under the threshold of their sensitivity?"
"Huh?" I blinked at her confused.
"Like this."
And then with such casual ease, the Orange Woman conjured a golf-sized fireball in her palm.
She did it so naturally, like one picking up a pebble from the ground.
More than the spellcasting done wordlessly, more than the ease she exuded in using magic, it was the fact that I couldn't sense the spell right in front of me.
"..." My mouth opened and closed a few times. "How?" I said with narrowed eyes. I even extended a hand near the flames, and yeah, there was heat.
I focused and cast a spell that gathers moisture in the air to make water. I made a drop and let it fall on the fireball.
The water drop evaporated with a hiss. I could hear it and feel the steam for how little it lasted.
"...No way." I said, leaning back down in my seat. "How are you doing that? You're not suppressing your mana, I would have been able to tell."
"There is a lot to the art of restricting your mana. Show me how you do it." She replied.
I closed down on my mana to the limit, showing zero emission.
"Wow, that's pretty impressive." The Orange Woman nodded with approval in her eyes and smile. "However while that is an excellent show of control, it's a complete brute force of the technique."
"What do you mean? That's how you suppress mana. The ultimate goal is for no modicum of mana to be visible." I said back.
"For an assassin or if you need to hide, yes." She nodded, a laughed held back. "But for a mage and to interact with other in day to day life, or to trick enemy mages, you need to make them think you're normal or below their level." She began to explain. "Showing no mana at all, while other mages can see you is foolish, because it would be obvious you're hiding it. Thus making you more suspicious. It's why it's best to only show ten percent of your overall mana and keep that consistent with your growth."
"O...kay. I'm following so far." I said with a slow nod.
"Now the more important part, the reason why your mana affects those kids when you use magic, is because it's your mana." She said.
"..." I narrowed my eyes at her, lips pursed. My thoughts running a mile a minute trying to get the implication.
For some reason I just couldn't quite get it. Like when you know something you can't remember, and you know you can't remember it, so its on the tip of your tongue.
"Tell me," the Orange Woman smiled with elderly patience. "Why would the kids mana sensitivity trigger form magic being preformed, and not by anything else? Everything has mana after all, every living being does, including the kids themselves."
My eyes widened. Why didn't I think of this before? There was a fog in my mind. A fog from tiredness, but I still should have thought of this.
"It doesn't trigger either when my mana is at rest so..." I began to say.
"It stands to reason that it's them brushing off against foreign mana, as well against mana moving faster than theirs that causes the hypersensitivity reaction." Orange Woman finished for me.
"So then, if I could copy the mana of nature, like the surroundings..." I held my chin, thinking on how this could get done.
"Like how a chameleon changes colors, or how a butterfly disappears when standing still in a field of flowers." The Orange Woman said approvingly.
"I need to match the frequency of my mana to that of the environment." My eyes widened before looking at the Orange Woman. She tilted her head at my expression. "Like, make it the same harmony of music naturally playing in the background."
Her eyes lit up as did her smile.
"Correct. Good job." She nodded.
"I'd need to practice..." I paused grimaced at the fact that I'm back to the same problem.
"Hmm? Something the matter?"
"I... can't practice." The words felt hollow on my tongue. "I have... a lot of work in the orphanage. The kids are there. The ones with mana hypersensitivity. They... like hanging out with me for some reason and I can't just... I don't have time." The excuses felt like swallowing ash. I hated the words and hated myself for saying them.
For a long while there was silence. I almost thought the Orange Woman left from how quiet things got.
Yet I could still sense her next to me. I wasn't sure if that made me happy or dread some condemnation or disappointment that was to come from her. I don't even know why her opinion should matter when I literally just met her.
...Right, because she's the first person in what felt like forever that I could talk with, about magic.
"Huh, so that's the weight your carrying." She said first, making me blink. It felt like I imagined those words. "Tell me something, boy. Do you love magic?" She gently asked.
"Hmm?" I blinked and glanced at her with one eye, not full turning my head to face her.
"Well?" She asked. The question hurried, yet her tone patient.
I looked back down.
"...It doesn't feel like it these days."
"Do you know that time isn't real?" She said out of the blue.
"Huh?!" I snapped out of my thoughts, sitting up straight as I fully turned my head to look at her.
I mean she's not wrong, but that's not a concept people get.
But also, huh?!
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked at the non-sequitur.
"Oh! So you're familiar with it." She nodded to herself.
"K-Kinda?" I said, tilting my head. Unconsciously I half turned to face her, one leg placed on the stone fence. "It's a something we made to make sense of," I waved my hand at nothing. "Events, the order of them happening."
"Correct." She nodded, smiling. "Simply put, our view of the world, or life, is limited, so we made time to make sense of it." She said looking to the sky. "If that's the case, then whether we think we have a lot or not enough time, is entirely in our head."
I looked aside. I got what she was saying.
If I cared enough, I'd make the time somehow.
"It's not that simple." The excuse came rushing out. An old filthy habit reasserting itself. "I'm... busy these days." My eyes narrowed at nothing. A flash of anger beating in my chest that I pushed down. Another old habit returning. "I'm always busy."
It's like I'm back in my old life.
"You look angry." She lightly commented.
"I'm not!" I said quickly, before shaking my head. "I'm not. I can manage. It's just everyone is busy with the orphanage being remade, all the kids that need to be looked after from the Coalition's battle. Everyone needs to do their part." I tried to sound as neutral as possible saying that.
"And you feel like you're forced to do more than everyone?" She said.
I looked up, facing the Orange Woman. She looked back with a raised eyebrow. A curious look that held no condemnation.
I looked away.
"Come on," she chuckled. "We're just two strangers. It's not like we're gonna meet again. I'm heading out to that town those Coalition guys or whatever they're called, attacked to check it out. Think of me as just someone to vent at and forget."
"I..." I stopped. My mind went blank.
Fuck it.
"I could have been there earlier." I finally said, half admitting my sin and half growling in frustration. "With Jilwer, I could have... I could have visit Schwanz earlier. I could have been there before the attack happened. I could have stopped it, or did something, anything." The heat in my chest spread at my words. I felt heated, yet lightened. "I told the matron that. The words just came out. Since then... the matron hates me. She does everything to take my time away from me. I can't use magic at all because of her. Because of everyone I'm responsible for. It's just... it's not my fault! I couldn't have known!" I held back from shout. Only by just a bit.
I found myself breathing heavily even though I didn't shout.
I took deeper breaths to calm down. Throughout it all the Orange Lady didn't say anything. I glanced at her, and her eyes didn't change. Didn't hold any pity or condemnation.
Just quiet acceptance.
"You're right, you couldn't have." She finally said.
My breathing hitched. It felt... like a relief that she said that. Yet there was guilt behind that relief. Like I shouldn't have had someone acknowledge my pain. Like that would enable me to act like some victim that never taken accountability of my actions.
"Of course, if she is acting based on that misplaced anger then she's not much of an adult, and you shouldn't bother with her anymore." She continued. I listened calmly, trying not to feel down that she's coming around to defend the matron. It was the logical, right thing after all. I'm just a kid, obviously, maybe I got it wrong. "But I have seen that Calm Orphanage place while walking around." She said with a smile.
That was a surprise to learn. I don't think I've seen her around. I would have remembered she's pretty distinct.
When would you have had the time? I thought to myself with a frown.
"Everyone always looks so busy. The older kids are carrying lumber and wood around, working with other people, like builders and carpenters. Seen them expanding the side of the building, making room or working that small farm you guys have."
I looked down. Guilty starting to set in. Right, that was happening, wasn't it. I mean, I did see Lässig and other so busy.
I'm up in my own head again. Being a selfish little shit.
"That old matron seems to be on top of things. Bit too noisy though. Should let the professionals just do their jobs rather than be a mother hen on them. Or rather be a mother hen on those who need it." The Orange Woman said, and I couldn't help a little snort of agreement that came out of me. "Besides, if you're capable enough, you can just leave whenever you want, right?"
I small smile settled on my lips that I didn't want to drop or be ashamed of.
"Yeah..." I didn't know what else to say. "But... don't I have a responsibility to everyone there? They'd be... disappointed. Sad or angry if I just disappeared." The argument sounded rehearsed. "It's selfish to just care about your own life."
"...You know," the Orange Woman continued, getting my attention again. "The way you're acting, the stress you're under, it's like you've dealt with it before but became free of it, and now because it is back it became so agonizing to handle."
I blinked at that. Hearing her words... it's as if something so obvious only became apparent to me, because someone else put it into words.
I...
"Welp, I have to get going soon." She said, standing up and dusting her robes.
"I see," I said neutrally, managing the tone this time. This was expected after all. I shouldn't be disappointed. Even if I wanted to spend more time with her.
"But you know," she added with a knowing smile I didn't understand. "I think you do love magic. So time will appear for your to practice again."
I blinked, taken aback by how sure she was of her assertion.
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Tell me, where does knowledge come from?" She asked, once more, another question out of the blue.
"Books?" I said. Her expression said that wasn't the right answer. "Studying? Just experimenting and finding things out?" I shrugged. "Observing the world?" I said, as that seemed like the most 'out there' answer, that sounded posh and philosophical enough.
"Love." She finally answer.
"Say what now?" I said, incredulous.
"Love begets curiosity. Curiosity begets passion. Passion begets observation and effort. And that begets knowledge." Her words... they felt warm. Seeming to settle in my chest like candlelight coming home. "And when it comes to magic," she smiled like she was telling me a secret that should be obvious. "To love magic is to love the world, and come to know it."
"'It'... being magic or the world?" I asked. She smiled and winked at me. Her way of telling me to figure it out. Or that it's both. I'm not sure. "But," I sighed. "I just told you why I can't practice or have time." I shook my head. "Even if I wanted to, I can't even use mana detection to start to start learning what I need to do, since even that bings the damn hypersensitivity."
The Orange Lady blinked at me in surprise. The first time she showed that expression.
"Why'd mana detection trigger their sensitivity?" Almost as soon as she asked the question, she seemed to get the answer. "Do you..." She snorted, trying not to smile. "Boy, do you use mana in order to detect mana? Like a bat's sonar?"
"Yeah? That seems basic. The body releases mana and that let me see and interact with the world's mana."
She laughed. Full belly, wholehearted laugh.
"Ha ha ha, hilarious. I'm very funny I know." I deadpanned, grumbling. "What am I missing? What's so funny?"
"Boy," she began once her breath was back under her control. "How do your ears work? Do they let out sound that comes back for you to hear?"
I froze. The simple words slapping all my presumptions in my face.
"Why would you need a technique to detect mana? Just let it be, feel it, accept it and through that sense it." She said purely, simply. "The mana of the world is the world, so let the world in."
I stopped listening. That feeling, that instinct when something just clicked in my head and I wanted to try it more than anything ignited.
I closed my eyes. I shut everything out. All thoughts left.
Some like responsibility, guilt or anxiety tried to hold on. I focused on this feeling more, as I delved into my own body, my own mana.
That's right. I never needed a technique to sense my own mana, I just could. So why would the world's mana be different?
Spoiler: You Can Be a Mage
Yes, I used the idea of 'fish can't sense the water it swims in' before. But now that I got a sense of the world mana, now that I felt it and know the different between it and my own, like knowing the feeling of my own skin and the clothes I wore, why would I need a technique to sense both.
Just focus and... it's there.
Once more the world opened up in my mind, letting me see it, hear it, tastes, touch it. Like having used full sight mana detection but... it's like having driven a car with the hand break on this whole time. Why did I make things harder on myself?
I felt the town, I felt the movement of the people. Not in the same way as when I used my own, I guess I'd call it 'active mana detection'.
Focusing now I noticed, before the body naturally produced mana, bits break off that are so small they might as well be considered fumes. These fumes exist in till a certain range before they break down, dissolve into the environment. That was how my mana detection worked before. My range was just how long and how strong those mana particles can exist outside my body.
I think that's how instinctively all mages learn mana detection.
But this way, the way the Orange Lady showed me (I really need to ask her name), there wasn't a need to do it like that.
It's like being in the center of a domed football stadium. It large sure and has a lot of space, but then you go outside and you can see the vast sky, the earth and building stretching as far as the eye can see.
The world was so vast I almost got lost in it, I could focus, feeling something pulling at my attention. So far away beyond the town, land, forests, valleys, there was another town, a massive wall of black, purple colored mana—
Something sharped pricked my mind.
"Woah," I flinched, feeling like a shock went through my nervous system. Like when suddenly you feel like you're going to fall in a dream. The fuck was that?
"Careful." The Orange Lady's hand was on my shoulder, steadying me. "It's like looking down from the top of a large building, don't let the call of gravity make you fall." She stepped back.
"Right," I took a deep breath. "Thanks."
"But if you can keep your sense of self through that, like seeing at the horizon, you'll start to find your limit." She continued. "Well, it was nice meeting you, boy. I better get going."
"Yeah," I said with a quieter voice.
"Heh, I'm sure I'll see you around," she chuckled and rubbed my hair, at seeing my reaction. I pouted and looked away, but didn't stop her. She turned to leave before stopping after a few steps. "Although, I don't think you should worry if or when you'll be able to practice magic and be a mage."
"How so?" I said back.
"Because," she turned her head and smile. "Love pulls you to what you want. If it's true and strong enough, it can become your destiny. And you, boy, I can tell." She gave a enchanting grin. "You love magic, don't you?"
Wind passed by our forms, whistling as it travelled this area. A warmth entered my heart, I hadn't felt in so long. Seemed like it was forever ago.
My mind cycled through my memories. Snapshots of wonder and curiosity of when I first learned that I could do magic.
From the day I was born I could sense it.
My mana surged within me. Like an electrical current wanting to burst outward once again.
With how violent my mana was moving, it would hurt Rein and the other kids. With a breath let out, I calmed it down, putting it back under control.
No. I tried to match my mana to my surrounding. Let it move at that same pace, at the same feel. Like making dye match the color of the water it was in.
"Not bad," the words were whispered, barely heard by me.
I looked up to see the Orange Lady further away, having walked while I was in my thoughts and mana.
"Hey!" I called out, making her pause. There's still so many questions I wanted to ask, so many things I wanted to say, but I settled on: "You didn't say what your favorite spell is!"
I saw her grin and open her mouth,
"It makes a field of flowers." She spoke.
And suddenly something that was at the back of my mind, at the tip of my tongue, came to the forefront.
Orange hair. Large braid. Toga. Flower field spell.
I drew air, about to shout her name.
"Trenn!" Rein's voice called out to me. I looked back to see her running at me with a large cheerful smile as she usually does when meeting me. "Where were you? Come on, let's play!" She said grabbing my hand.
"Right, it's just..." I looked back only to see the lady was gone.
"Where you talking to someone?" Rein asked.
"Y... Yeah." I said, letting out a half-laugh like a made man.
I think I was talking to the ghost of fucking Flamme! I thought in complete disbelief as I walked with Rein hand in hand.
"Trenn?" Rein spoke.
"Yeah?" I tilted my head at her.
"Tonight I'm sleeping in your bed." She said, Rein would use the excuse nightmares to sleep next to me. It was cute and everything, but it also felt like another time slot to practice magic in secret taken from me. "After everyone's asleep, I'll stay so you can practice magic without it making rashes appear. That way the Ms. Gu-ten can't complain about you using magic!" Rein said in a whispered tone, like sharing a secret.
I blinked in surprised, taken aback by Rein's offer.
"Why?"
"I noticed you were sad a lot lately from not using magic. So I wanna help." Rein said in a low tone.
My shoulders relaxed. I found my breathing coming easier, as a smile came to me.
"Thank, Rein." I used my other hand to headpat her.
Rein raised her head, smiling adorably and proudly.