All the Hate That's Inside Me
"Do I want to know why you need a… test subject, Joshua?" Yasaka asked with a raised eyebrow when, during a pre-Khaos meeting, he told them that he needed someone especially bad from whatever Khaos raid their alliance organized. Not the first time he did so, but it was the first time he wasn't looking for them himself… for obvious reasons. He didn't want to poke too much at Ophis, which was also why they were keeping the raids relatively minor for the time being too.
Joshua wasn't insulted by the question either. His partners had always made it a point to know what he was trying to accomplish when setting out to do some… morally questionable testing. Gabriel most of all, which was not unexpected, at all. So far, even some ideas that he thought would be dismissed didn't seem to put his partners off, admittedly, and that made him curious about what they would deem not good enough.
He wasn't going to try and test them, but he did wonder…
"I want to know what the Gap does to someone when there's no shielding to get in the way," he said as straightforwardly as he could. There was no point beating around the bush, because he'd never fool anyone and he had better things to do with his time. "I have some theories regarding the mind aspect I'm trying to address, but I need this kind of data to confirm that or point me in the right direction or both. It could also give me a better idea about the body and soul aspects too, which are very much something I need to polish and address properly, respectively."
Gabriel hummed at that, like he wasn't telling an angel that he wanted to throw a person into the void between dimensions and let them die a horrible death just to see what happened and how horrible it was. Then again, real Angels in DxD… and maybe in general, he wasn't too knowledgeable about it still – he might look into that at some point – weren't what most people would call saints, ironically enough. There were some very dark things in their past, particularly during the wars.
It was kind of like looking at past Church history, kind of, which was scary as hell. Admittedly, a little helped by the fact that it wasn't corruption and other such things that caused it all to happen… but still. Joshua would not like to be in a war against Heaven, ever.
"Sure thing then~" Serafall replied cheerfully and immediately, apparently fully on board already. "We'll get you a guinea pig, Joshua. Maybe even with extra pig, if we're lucky," the Satan said and he was less surprised that his devil partner had no issues throwing people to the wolves, especially when the wolves were his tests. She liked doing it, actually, especially if she got to pick who to do that to and she often had very strong opinions on who should and shouldn't be chosen.
She was the only one, fortunately, so Yasaka and Gabriel never really argued with her. They did occasionally try to poke at her logic and approach to decision making in that regard, but Joshua stayed away from those conversations. How was it that they disturbed him when he was the one doing dubious experimentation?
"We'll see what we can do," Yasaka finished with a nod. "We're off to the meeting now," she added afterwards and he smiled at her, at them. He tried to convey how grateful he was that they let him not attend the Khaos meetings and just do a pre-meeting to address anything he might feel like addressing, which wasn't much most of the time.
They were good enough to know at least if he'd have an opinion on the matter they might want to check. So, that let him have some extra time to himself so that he could focus on making more progress and he didn't have to deal with Azazel. Both were great boons as far as Joshua was concerned, especially during that time in which every second mattered.
"See you later," he told them and he could have sworn they perked up a little. It was subtle, but he was pretty sure he hadn't imagined it. "By the way, I can make dinner tonight if you are interested," he added, leaving the "you" very much open to interpretation and on purpose. "And able to attend, that is," finished with, because it wasn't unheard of for them to be busy at random times, especially Serafall and Gabriel.
They had to deal with business all over the world and their respective domains, which meant that they couldn't stick to a particular timezone and schedule very easily, even if they tried.
"What are you making?" Serafall asked with exaggerated interest… or at least he thought it was exaggerated. Then again, Yasaka and Gabriel seemed oddly intent in their staring after that question.
"You three have helped me a lot in the past weeks so… I thought I could say thank you with a meal," he commented, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck. He had to look away as he spoke too, because he was feeling a little awkward. Making meaningful gestures always worried him, made him think he might just be doing something silly or thinking too much or not enough, but… He had to try anyway, didn't he? "I'm going to make everyone's favorites, if you can make it of course, but don't-"
"I'll be here," Serafall interrupted, answering immediately and pointing at him with her magical girl staff as if that'd seal the deal. "And if that Gamigin idiot I have to meet later tries to delay me again, I'll give him a piece of my mind," she added with a mock serious expression that he hoped wasn't actually serious.
Sometimes Serafall worried him, because she was whimsical and whimsical didn't align well with her job… But she seemed to make it work, so maybe he worried too much.
"I'll be here too," Gabriel told him with a kind smile that never failed to make him smile back. "I have nothing to do at that time," she added, but something about that statement sounded odd to Joshua's ears. Maybe he was thinking about it too much.
So, he settled for being happy that his family would all be gathered for a meal, apparently.
That was always nice when they could manage.
[}-o-{]
"Is it selfish of me?" Gabriel said that night, after dinner was over and everyone went to bed. She was lying beside him, her back against his chest and her arms pressing his to her body. "Is it selfish that I want to have this, even though…?" she tried to clarify, trailing off instead of voicing the last part. Joshua didn't need to be a genius to guess what it was and why she couldn't bring herself to say it.
"I don't think so," he answered, hugging her the smallest bit tighter. "I'm not going to lie and say I don't want to, or that it wouldn't be great, but… I think this is pretty good too," he commented, trying to follow an approach that he'd found worked wonders, being open and honest. That always seemed to work much better than trying to be charming or whatever. "I don't think it's selfish to want to spend time with someone you love. And if it is, I guess that'd make me the most selfish, wouldn't it?"
"You definitely are," he heard the angel reply, but he could almost hear the smile on her face and he hoped it was that shy, slightly blushing one. It was Gabriel's most adorable. Although the excited one when they visited places together was close too. "But I don't hate that. Not when it involves me, at least," she added, the last bit spoken teasingly. He knew she didn't hate it when it involved Yasaka or Serafall though, much as she sometimes liked to poke at him in regards to that.
He still couldn't wrap his head around any of them being ok with the… situation. Joshua had learned to stop questioning it though, if only for his own sanity. Because he was never going to understand, he knew. It was one of those things about being a transmigrator, he guessed.
"Thank you," he told her softly, leaning forward the smallest bit and planting a kiss on her neck. Expectedly, she stiffened for a second before taking a slow, very deliberate breath in and letting it out just as slowly. The light of her halo stopped flickering almost at the same time as that last one happened. "Sorry," he whispered, like he'd started doing every time that happened.
"Don't apologize," Gabriel replied, like she always did when he apologized in situations like that. "If I wanted you to stop, I'd tell you," she mumbled, her shoulders still stiff. He squeezed her against his chest a little more before relaxing his arms again and she hummed. "As soon as this thing with Ophis is over, right?"
"Of course," he told her with a smile.
"It won't take long, will it?" she asked then, which was all sorts of unfair because she knew he couldn't control how long a project would take. All the same though, he didn't point that out. The situation was even more unfair for her and he knew it.
"I'll work as fast as I can," he reassured.
"I'll hold you to that."
[}-o-{]
"Here," Meredith said, a proud smile on her face even under the heavy bags that circled the underside of her eyes. The rest of the Stars didn't look any better. Levi in particular looked more like a zombie than an actual human and Joshua would know, he'd seen some of those.
That particular Khaos Brigade base had been "fun".
"All the books that actually talk about the Dimensional Gap," Meredith said, while Georg and Dion laid two piles of books on the side. "And other semi-extensive texts," she added with a wave of her hand as Karin laid some scrolls, and what looked like detached notesheets beside the two book towers. "We've also put together our own findings from scattered mentions, including how many times certain information is repeated and sometimes if we feel like the information is good or not," Meredith said while Levi passed him a notebook that he opened and idly checked.
Not great, but she had said that it was just them putting together every piece of information they'd found on random spots. Besides, who knew, there might be something hidden in the abstract mentions and weird analogies and metaphors. Joshua couldn't afford to leave anything without considering, not with so much at stake, as his brain insisted on reminding him every second of every day.
"Thank you," Joshua said, wondering if he managed to put even a sliver of how truly grateful he felt in those simple words. He certainly tried to. And if he failed, well, he had a Plan B for that. "Ravel."
"Right," his devil secretary/daughter replied, clearing her throat to pull the Stars' attention. Joshua wasn't sure why they seemed surprised by this though. Did they expect him not to pay them for their work? What kind of tyrant did his students think he was? "Everyone, I'll be coordinating with Agnes and everyone else at House of Water to procure jobs that'll properly boost your careers, from jobs where you'll specifically shine to jobs that you wouldn't normally land for one reason or another. If I have any say in the matter, these jobs will have plenty of reasons to be called perfect for you."
And left unsaid was the fact that Ravel very much would have a say in the matter.
"Professor Davis," Meredith started, and her voice alone told Joshua what was coming. Another bout of telling him it was too much and blah blah blah. Honestly. Maybe they were right, but he was doing just the right amount of things for them, as far as he was concerned.
So, with that in mind, he pushed on.
What a world to live in, where people complained because he did too much for them.
Yet another thing that baffled him to no end.
"Right, I have a lot to read," he said, deciding to escape the inevitable argument. Ravel could deal with that. She always told him that she had fun with that, so he might as well. "See you guys around."
"Professor Davis!" he heard someone – George, he thought – call before his Teleportation circle took him away.
[}-o-{]
Joshua simply "sat" and looked ahead.
The man writhed and cried and screamed. His hands reached out, as if trying to find something to grab, but most probably trying to find a way out. There was no such thing for him, however, because Georg was by Joshua's side, looking away, and Joshua himself was no more inclined to help. So the man's struggles continued while what little magic he still possessed was consumed. Then, his life followed, and Joshua was reminded of Project Fall, draining people for all they were worth. At last, after some time, the man was left at the Gap's mercy.
And oh did it have no mercy at all.
Joshua was equal parts fascinated and disturbed as he watched the effects of the Gap on a creature that could not shield itself with magic. The acid comparison came back to his mind again, except the Gap left nothing in its wake. It was fast, exceedingly so, but at the same time, the handful of seconds seemed to stretch for an eternity as Joshua watched.
Joshua remembered, once upon a time, having found a book on human anatomy that had plastic see-through pages with superposing images of the human body. There was a normal picture, of course, then one of the muscles, and the nerves, and the veins, the organs, the bones. Every page he passed would take away one of those things and show another. He'd found that neat back in the day.
It was not at all neat to see something so similar and yet absolutely grotesque happening in front of him.
A man was unmade in front of his very eyes in a way that was very… unique, if Joshua had to put a word to it. Even after all was over, he still stared at the spot where the victim had been, processing what had taken mere seconds through several minutes. The information he'd gotten from senses and spells was just as interesting too, which only added to the whole thing's macabre show.
"Sir?" he heard Georg ask, his voice shaky.
Joshua nodded slowly before "standing" and turning his head to look at the Dimension Lost holder. The man seemed to have difficulty looking at him, which was… interesting too. Was he afraid of him? Had this particular incident of testing pushed Joshua into another rank in the man's mental danger list?
Sometimes, Joshua felt bad for that kind of thing. Inspiring fear wasn't something he was interested in, fond of or anything of the sort. No, he'd much rather people leave him alone.
Yet, at that moment, he felt no pity for Georg or anyone else that was or had ever been part of Khaos Brigade. Because the Gap was scary, sure. But Ophis and Great Red called the place home. They seemed to treat the place like it was a particularly nice and fancy vacation house. So, in his mind, those two were much, much worse than anything the Gap could ever hope to be.
And Khaos had pointed one of those unfathomable creatures at him, at his family.
So, he was not feeling very merciful at that moment, with that realization in his mind. One day, he'd take Rizevim Lucifer and make him pay for every single moment of fear that Joshua had to get through. That man wouldn't go gently into that good night if Joshua had a say in the matter. Because everything related to Khaos ultimately led to him. He'd been the one to start the whole thing, if Joshua remembered correctly.
He was the one hellbent on unleashing Trihexa onto the world because he felt that fitting for the Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain he seemed to want to be.
If there was one person Joshua was sure he'd never forgive, it was Rizevim, because he was just as sure that the man would never regret what he did, or change his ways. He was evil for the sake of being evil, because he liked it and because it was what he wanted to be. Someone like that wouldn't change and if he didn't change, then Joshua's anger would never fully die out.
That guaranteed the man a painful, drawn out death, as far as Joshua was concerned, and he would gleefully deliver that.
For the moment though…
"Let's go back," he said, turning to look at Georg and finding the magician pale and shaking. He wondered if the test subject's death had shook him like that, or if Joshua was showing something of his thoughts on his face. Judging by the way the Dimension Lost holder trembled as he glanced his way, Joshua was pretty sure it was the latter's case.
At that moment, with still fresh realization and all the thoughts that came with it in his mind, he didn't care.
He simply stepped out of the Gap and continued with his business. He had a lot to work on and if Georg was terrified all over again, then that was too bad. Joshua couldn't find a single fuck to give, not then and there. He was a little too preoccupied trying to find ways to use the information he'd just found for himself, for his projects.
He had much to work on just by this one test, but he might need to try again for a more thorough scanning. One single test had never been enough and it certainly wouldn't be this time, with as much as he needed things to go well. No, Joshua would need more, but he had enough to get by for the moment.
[}-o-{]
Late at night, he still worked.
Joshua knew his hand would have been in pain from all the writing, if not for his ridiculously high stats and all the spells taking care of him. He knew his brain should be addled by the lack of sleep, if not for the potions and the support of magic. He knew that he should rest more, take a moment to let his brain take a break, if not outright sleep, but he could make do with senjutsu, really.
So, he still worked.
Fear fueled him, yes, because how could it not. The life he'd found for himself after thinking he had nothing left was at risk now. His family, his friends, his everything could just… disappear. He refused to stand by and let that happen.
The next day, maybe he'd find it within himself to stop. Maybe Kunou would approach him, with her big blue eyes and her cute little pout. Maybe Serafall would poke his cheek with her magical staff, all impatience and playfulness. Maybe Jeanne would come from school and want to talk about something or another, idle chatter that reassured her as much as it reassured him.
In that moment though, Joshua couldn't stop.
More than fear though, there was something else gnawing at his insides, spurning him to keep going. The moment of clarity he had when he witnessed the Gap consuming that poor, wretched bastard was still in his mind, burned into his brain and etched into his skull. He couldn't forget it and he didn't want to forget it. Because doing so would be careless, callous, or so he felt.
So, instead, he let the emotions it brought fuel him together with his fear.
"You're still here," a voice said and he turned to see Yasaka, because of course it was Yasaka. Who else could it be in her own home, that late and right when he needed someone? Serafall and Gabriel weren't even around to offer a challenge of any kind that night either. "I thought you were doing better."
"The experiment didn't go well," he commented, before considering things for a moment. "Or maybe it went too well. I'm not entirely sure."
"Want to talk about it?" she offered, walking around him and towards the kitchen. She was out of sight, but he could hear her steps and whatever she was doing there. By the sounds of it, Joshua was guessing she was making tea, because of course she was. "I don't know if I did anything to make you think I like to sleep alone, Joshua, but let me tell you that if you thought that,4 you misunderstood," her voice told him, reaching him the smallest bit muted by the distance and the walls.
"I'm sorry," he said, a slight, weary smile hanging onto his lips for dear life before ultimately failing and slipping away. "It's just… so difficult to fall asleep these days." Because, no matter what, in the end, he'd be alone with his thoughts, and his thoughts seemed to pick up torturing him as a hobby.
"I understand," Yasaka told him. "I've had my fair share of sleepless nights for similar reasons. For lesser reasons, to be honest," she admitted then and Joshua somehow doubted that. "Maybe it's no good of me to point it out, but I thought I'd tell you. Your absence is not subtle, Joshua."
"I'm sorry," he repeated helplessly.
"Don't be," the youkai leader told him, walking in with two cups of tea. "It's normal to be afraid. It's also normal to be angry."
"I know that, but it's not… doesn't make things any easier," he admitted, taking the offered cup and watching Yasaka take a seat across from him at the table. "I just want to stop being afraid and angry," he said, hands holding the hot cup of tea for a long moment, staring at its contents rather than drinking them.
"That's understandable too," Yasaka replied with a nod, taking a sip of her own beverage that encouraged him to do the same, even though he didn't feel like it himself. It was so hot it almost burned, especially with how much he tried to drink. It helped though. It cut through the fog in his mind like a lighthouse and let him focus the smallest bit better.
"It's not only fear and anger," he said, eyes still firmly in the water of his cup rather than the woman across from him. He wanted to open up, but it was always harder to do that when looking at other people, he'd found. "I think I hate them," he added, unsure.
Because Joshua thought he knew what hate was, but it was only then that he realized he might have misunderstood that for strong anger. Anger was like a fire, it burned, lashing out and trying to consume everything. Fear, in turn, was like ice, cold and unsettling as it crept up inside him.
And then there was this feeling, hard and sharp. Solid and immovable where it took its stand, unbothered by other emotions and thoughts. It waited, patiently but no more merciful for it. Where anger consumed and endangered, this one cut and threatened, like razor wire. Where fear was a creeping bite, this one waited patiently, like a bear trap.
"That would make two of us then," Yasaka told him and whatever he'd expected her response to be, it hadn't been that. It made him look up and then he wondered if his eyes were as hard and sharp as hers were, like swords pointed forward, looking for an enemy. "They'll get what they deserve, Joshua, every single one of them."
From all the things he loved about the woman sitting across from him, the one that had brewed tea for him and came to reassure him, he didn't think he'd love a part of her so harsh and apathetic.
And yet he did.
[} Chapter End {]
Hey guys! How's it going?
It's interesting to see how many things I can show in this arc without feeling like I'm re-writing stuff a little differently. Although, admittedly, I imagine not everyone shares my opinion on the matter. So, yeah, I know the arc is taking forever, but I feel like if I just wrote it to be a couple of chapters, it'd take away from the importance and difficulty of the task.
So, I guess if you don't like it taking long, then I hope it at least feels like necessary boredom?
I don't know either, guys, honestly.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.
As always, if you can't wait until next week for the next chapter, or if you just feel like supporting my writing, there's up to three new chapters in my Patreon (linked below).
Random Question: What's something that stood out from your weekend for you? For me… I guess it'd be the conversation I had with my mother and my brother late at night on Saturday. It was one of those where you discuss important stuff that never really gets said because it doesn't pop up in casual conversation.
See you. Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:CrimsonIR, Balewood, Bluesmuf and 81 othersAdrian KingYesterday at 11:30 PMReader modeNewAdd bookmark ThreadmarksTheVolunteerI trust you know where the happy button is?Yesterday at 11:51 PMNewAdd bookmark#1,264I think an important thing to remember is that time skips aren't a sin? I can't think of a better time for a time skip than a long term research project that is eating up almost all of his time. I do enjoy reading your chapters, but back-to-back-to-back-etc. chapters dealing with the same issue is rough, pretty much any way you slice it.Last edited: Yesterday at 11:52 PM Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:syneb, SinOSloth, TheLegionsbane and 11 othersAdrian KingWriter, I thinkYesterday at 11:55 PMNewAdd bookmark#1,265TheVolunteer said:I think an important thing to remember is that time skips aren't a sin? I can't think of a better time for a time skip than a long term research project that is eating up almost all of his time.I mean, that's valid. But if I just skip all the research and work and just tell you guys "and this is what Joshua got after a month", it takes away from the entire thing. It's why I'm not skipping all this, because I feel like this way it shows that it took time and effort. I know it's not a great narrative way to go about this, but I started writing with the intent of showing a more realistic take on stories, showing downtime and slice of life and development as well as I can. So... yeah, sorry some stretches are boring, but they are the reason why I started writing in the first place, funnily enough. Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:CrimsonIR, IDontExist, SinOSloth and 12 othersVoidBlood+4 Ricoshot +Enraged +DisrespectYesterday at 11:57 PMNewAdd bookmark#1,266I do always enjoy Joshua being ruthless and doing human experimentation and stuff. That part is just too fun and enjoyable, lmao. Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:SinOSloth, SyfyMovieFan, FeebleEcho and 2 othersEdalonKnow what you're doing yet?Today at 12:02 AMNewAdd bookmark#1,267Well yeah this arc is a total pace killer for the story, but as someone who reads and likes Brockton's Celestial Forge that looks almost cute. I guess the main problem is that we are reading it week by week instead of in one sitting so that month that Joshua has? Yeah we spent more time in this arc than a month.Last edited: Today at 12:04 AM Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:SoulLessCamper, TheLegionsbane, SoloOz and 7 othersBomeranGNot too sore, are you?Today at 12:08 AMNewAdd bookmark#1,268Adrian King said:I mean, that's valid. But if I just skip all the research and work and just tell you guys "and this is what Joshua got after a month", it takes away from the entire thing. It's why I'm not skipping all this, because I feel like this way it shows that it took time and effort. I know it's not a great narrative way to go about this, but I started writing with the intent of showing a more realistic take on stories, showing downtime and slice of life and development as well as I can. So... yeah, sorry some stretches are boring, but they are the reason why I started writing in the first place, funnily enough.