"Ooh ooh aah?"
A monkey pointing at a tree full of some sort of blue banana? Or maybe it was a blue dick? I'm not sure. I couldn't tell what it was from this distance.
But the monkey was insistent. He kept pointing, making excited hooting noises, and then he'd look at me, then back at the tree.
"No... I said white stag."
"Aah ooh ooh!"
Ten minutes later.
"Ooh ooh aah?" The same monkey, now wearing a makeshift crown made of vines, was pointing at a group of monkeys of the same race, but their fur was white.
He was really, really proud of himself.
"No," I said, my patience wearing thin. "White. Stag. Big deer. Horns. Not white monkey gay orgy."
The monkey just stared at me, its cock-nose twitching in confusion.
Another ten minutes passed.
The monkey, whom I decided to name "King Cock-Nose," was still trying to help me. He had led me to a clearing with a beautiful white waterfall.
"Ooh ooh aah!" he said, pointing at the waterfall.
"King Cock-Nose, I appreciate the effort, but that's not a stag," I said, my voice strained. "It's water. Falling down. A waterfall."
"Morgana, maybe we should... You know... use the map?" Vespera suggested, trying to hide her amusement.
"No, I can figure this out," I said, shaking my head. "I just need to communicate with him better."
My 'Universal Communication' skill allows me to understand and speak any language, but it's useless if the other party doesn't understand the concept of what you're talking about. It's like trying to explain color to someone who has been blind since birth. And since I proposed that we use these monkeys to locate the white stag, I can't just give up now.
"Stag," I said, making antler horns with my fingers on top of my head. "Big. Deer. White. You hunt? Eat?"
King Cock-Nose tilted his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. Then, its eyes lit up with understanding.
"Aah ooh ooh!" it exclaimed, and then...
He pointed at his cock. Then he made a jerking motion with his other hand. Then he pointed at me.
I sighed, rubbing my temples. I was getting a headache.
"Fine," I said, giving up. "We'll use the map."
"Hehehe." Vespera tried to stifle a giggle but failed miserably. The sound was a welcome change from the monkey's hooting.
"Are you sure?" she asked, a teasing glint in her eyes. "I think you were so close to a breakthrough."
"Shut up, Pointy," I grumbled, pulling the Broker's map out of my pouch. "Let's just find this stupid stag and get out of this pure, boring, and surprisingly perverted forest."
"Ooh ooh aah?" King Cock-Nose took a step forward, pointing at himself, still wanting to help.
"Yes, yes, you were a great help," I waved dismissively at the monkey, my focus on the map. "Now go back to your subjects and... do whatever it is you do. Just don't throw any more shit at me."
"Ooh... aaah..." He looked at me with sad puppy-dog eyes, but I ignored him.
"Okay, according to this map," I said, tracing the path with my finger, "the ancient oak tree should be... this way."
"..."
Vespera and I looked in the direction I was pointing, only to find ourselves staring at the same massive oak tree where we found King Cock-Nose and his merry band of perverts.
"..." I stared at the tree, my mind refusing to process the information.
"Morgana, can you read a map?" Ves's deadpan question broke the silence.
"Of course I can read them!" I snapped, my face flushing with embarrassment. "It's just... this map is old! The landmarks must have changed!"
"Mmmhmm." Vespera hummed, her lips twitching.
"Heh." I cleared my throat, trying to regain my composure. "Anyway, the map says the stag usually appears in the night near water sources."
I then folded the map and tucked it back into my pouch. Surveying my surroundings, the beautiful white lake at the base of this waterfall was a perfect place for the stag to appear.
"Let's find a place to camp and wait for the night," I said, my tone business-like once more, trying to sound confident. "How hard can that be?"
"Very hard." The drow sighed, raising both hands in surrender. "Morgana, we forgot our supplies."
"Fuck!" I cursed under my breath. She was right. In our haste to get to the forest, we completely forgot the horses and left them at the treeline.
"Relax," I said, a confident smirk on my face. "I can go back and get them. The distance isn't that much."
"I'll go with you," she suddenly offered. "I need to make sure the wildlife here is... safe."
"..."
I knew what she meant by 'safe'. She wanted to go back and have a quickie with me before I become 'pure' again.
'I wonder what her reaction will be when she finds out that I'm the goddess she worships?'
"Fine," I agreed, "but make it quick. We don't have all day."
"Hehe." Ves's mischievous smile told me that it won't be a quick one.
As we walked back the way we came, King Cock-Nose followed us, keeping a respectful distance. He was like a good little pet, loyal and obedient. After all, I fucked the old king, and he took the chance and became the new king.
The walk back to the treeline was suspiciously peaceful.
No ambushes. No more shit projectiles. No random vines trying to wrap around my ankles like they were horny tentacles with commitment issues. Just birdsong that actually sounded like birdsong instead of poorly-disguised monkey moaning.
Even King Cock-Nose, who had been trailing us with the loyalty of a well-trained puppy, suddenly stopped at the edge of the clearing and refused to go any further, hooting nervously and pointing back towards the forest's depths.
"See?" Vespera said, nudging me with her elbow. "Even the locals know better than to leave the pure zone. They can sense your… lingering aura of debauchery."
"Lingering aura of debauchery?" I scoffed. "Pointy, that's not an aura. That's called being sexy. Something you should take notes on."
I stepped through the shimmering mist gateway without issue, my body's 'virgin' status still firmly intact. Ves quickly followed, and fortunately, we found the horses grazing peacefully, their tails swatting at invisible flies.
"See? Nothing to worry about," I said, turning to Vespera with a triumphant grin.
...
Back at the waterfall clearing, the sun had already dipped behind the tallest trees, casting long, eerie shadows across the forest floor. The White Lake, once a pristine mirror, now looked like a sheet of molten silver. Fireflies—or what passed for fireflies in this perverted paradise—drifted like lazy sparks, occasionally winking in patterns that looked suspiciously like Morse code for "fuck me."
We set up camp in record time. Or rather, Vespera did. I supervised from a conveniently mossy rock, occasionally pointing out things she was doing wrong just to... study the movement of her lovely ass.
'Too much virgin energy in this place,' I thought to myself as I watched Vespera setting up the warding runes. 'It's like being trapped in a monastery run by eunuchs.'
I built a small fire—more for ambiance than warmth, because the forest was annoyingly temperate—and sat cross-legged on a convenient flat rock, staring at the lake like it owed me money.
Vespera settled beside me, close enough that our thighs brushed. She smelled like sweat, leather, and the faint, lingering tang of my own 'holy water' from earlier.
"So," I murmured, "how long do we wait before a big, horny, magical deer decides to take a drink?"
"According to the Broker," she said, "the White Stag only appears at midnight, during the highest point of the moon. It's drawn to the purity of the water under the moonlight."
"How poetic," I snorted. "A giant deer with a purity kink. He'd probably get along great with King Cock-Nose."
"Please don't try to make them friends," she sighed. "The forest has seen enough trauma for one day."
We sat in silence for a while, listening to the gentle burble of the waterfall. The only real problem was the silence. In a forest where everything was either fucking or contemplating the meaning of fucking, the silence felt... loud.
"I'll go get some sleep," I said, stretching my arms over my head. "You wake me up at midnight."
"You sure?" Ves asked, her brow furrowed.
"I'm sure," I said, a sly smile playing on my lips. "Besides, I need my beauty rest if I'm going to look good enough to 'Charm' our lovely stag."
I walked to the tent and slipped in. I don't really need to sleep, but closing my eyes for a while is nice. Furthermore, I was going to use the time to contact my daughter Eir about the preparations for the queen's feast.
However, the moment I closed my eyes, I felt a force trying to pull my consciousness out of my body. The force didn't mean harm, and I sensed that it was asking for permission.
"Hmm..." I took a deep breath. "Sure, why not?"
As I 'gave' my permission, my mind felt... light, like I was floating. It felt like I was drifting through a dream, but one where I was completely aware of myself.
Then I saw a figure made from white and green light.
'The spirit of this forest,' I instantly realized.
The spirit didn't have a face. Or a body. It was just... a shape. A swirl of light and mist, with a core of pure, blinding white energy. It reminded me of a will-o'-the-wisp, but one the size of a house.
"My goddess." The spirit's 'voice' echoed in my mind. It wasn't a male or a female; it was... something in between. She knelt before me, her form shimmering with reverence. "Welcome back... You have graced my domain with your presence."