Escaping from the city of Barton with my heart in my throat, I focused completely on analyzing the living beings around us with Perception, something that was mentally heavy and that I only put aside upon being far enough from the city and those suspicious presences.
After those events and with the adrenaline coming down, I tried to talk to Zoe to explain to her what had happened once we camped to rest. But upon trying, for some reason that escaped my understanding, I noticed she looked strange, a bit distant, as if she were depressed about something that went beyond what I knew. I wanted to talk to her, get closer to see what was happening, but upon seeing her with a thoughtful face and that she avoided looking me in the eyes, I decided not to insist, giving her space for a time, thinking that maybe she needed to digest the situation we went through recently in the tent.
Between the constant travel, and the little communication we had in the air, time passed quickly without me realizing it, finally arriving a few days from the border with Silan, a redder place, characterized by its mountains and little vegetation. Besides being a country that was governed by a Democracy, something rare in this world dominated by kings and emperors, but not unique, since Alister, the place where I first arrived in this world, also had a similar political situation according to records.
Being a little over a week away from arriving at the border city, Fallen God, I proceeded to feed Mork and Ness a couple of monsters we hunted on the way. Returning to one of our many improvised camps, I was surprised to find that Zoe was already asleep, turning her back to me even in her sleep.
Ahh… I sighed heavily, remembering how dull she looked today. I think… it is about time I do something about the Zoe issue.
Without knowing how to proceed, I started to meditate to one side while watching her sleep, noting that she had changed since we left, since she had longer and more tidy hair, more feminine and cared for, something that affected me at the moment of choosing the right words to respond to her feelings.
Zoe… although my affection for you didn't change at all… now, this whole situation became something weird… especially when I don't want our relationship as siblings to change. I said in my mind, practicing my words so as not to screw it up.
Ahh! This will be more difficult than I thought… I concluded, scratching my head to relieve the tension.
What can I do? What should I tell her? That something will never happen between us and that's it? Shit no! I can't do that… since I don't want to hurt or wound her either and much less lie to her… I thought, slightly remembering the last vision I had, before shaking my head.
I-I must be careful with my words… or our relationship might break forever.
I had many weeks to meditate on the subject coldly, convincing myself that Zoe was only confused, and that she would sort out her thoughts and feelings if I gave her some space, but… after waiting patiently in these last weeks, I only saw that she distanced herself more and more, with the respective shine in her face fading and fading.
I need to think about it for a while longer. I said, avoiding confronting the situation again. Be-better I continue with my reading, that will help me clear my mind.
Standing up, I went out of the tent to get some air, carrying the book I bought in Barton in one hand and an unlit lamp in the other.
Surrounded by a quiet darkness where only crickets were heard and the winter was felt ending, I sat outside the tent, leaning against a tree while I settled in to continue with what kept my mind occupied these last weeks. Let's see… where did I leave off?
Lighting the small lamp with fire magic, I illuminated the area around me strongly enough to read, what I considered to be the best book I had found so far.
"This book is wonderful, I can't believe I haven't heard of it before." I said in a low voice, turning the page carefully remembering that I had finished the chapter where they talked about matter and gravity.
Thanks to this book, I found new concepts and theories about this world that fueled my curiosity to continue investigating. Because, since I was little, my interest died down to a great extent thinking that this world would be the typical one of a generic medieval story to which I was accustomed in my past life.
Incredible… I said in my mind while reading with attention.
But after leaving the bubble that was my house, I understood that it wasn't quite like that… since putting it in that comparison, I had arrived at an era similar to between the industrial revolution and the advanced industrial era, or even modern.
Yes!! I finally reached this part! I said with emotion, reading the title: 'Is mana a living being?' in the book, while I mentally prepared myself to continue.
Being a more advanced era than I thought, it was a bit hard to understand several things about this world, something that was noticed when I finally left home and lived the world on my own… or well, with Zoe's help.
Technology was very different from Earth, since here, unlike Earth for obvious reasons, they focused more on the understanding of mana as an energy source, and not so much on the electric one, something that caused quite crazy things to be invented, like carriages or wagons, that converted their interior into spaces tens of times larger than they truly were.
"Good… now I am ready." I whispered, starting to read with contained emotion.
With the lamp illuminating the yellowish pages, I continued my reading, immersing myself in an article that seemed written by a theoretical physicist from my world rather than by a mage.
"The fundamental function and behavior of mana is to manipulate matter in the universe..." I read in a low voice, following the lines with my finger. "This phenomenon happens through a complex process of atomic and energetic restructuring, which we, mortals, simply call Spells, dividing them into different levels according to their complexity and energy cost."
Fascinating... it is basically string theory applied to magic. I thought, nodding slightly.
I turned the page, finding a scientific question highlighted in bold that caught my attention immediately: What if mana could act on its own, without us intervening?
Act on its own? I questioned myself, frowning at such a statement before continuing to read.
"Just as explained in the previous chapter, mana is present in nature in a passive but constant form: in the weather, in the ocean currents or even in the vacuum of space. All because mana is not without matter, as matter is without mana. Both go hand in hand, always as pairs just like other things in physics and chemistry..."
I read with attention, nodding slightly, until the next paragraph stopped me in my tracks because of how strange it sounded.
"... And just like the rare, but known feeling of love, that teaches us that it is the expansion of two natures in such a way that each includes the other, and each is enriched by the other…." I read in a low voice, staying silent after the sudden comparison while my mind analyzed that phrase.
The expansion of two natures... that include and enrich each other mutually…
Without being able to avoid or control it, the first image that came to my mind was Zoe's, followed by Angelica's, charged with a warmth that felt dangerously familiar to me, similar to what I felt when I was intoxicated by Zoe's pheromones, one of love.
Shaking my head slightly, I discarded the idea, understanding that this time I was not being influenced by anything.
"Ah…" I sighed, feeling a pang of guilt upon realizing that I was comparing them. Wanting to continue reading, I couldn't concentrate, making me get frustrated and laugh at the same time at the stupid word that came to my mind.
'Harem… Harem….'
Taking a breath, I shook my head again, understanding that I had to confront myself to discover what I truly felt.
First, my mind began to analyze Angelica, remembering the promise we had made, and accepting that she was the first requited love I had in this world… and in my life.
I remembered the things I went through and lived with her... her smiles, our walks through the forest, the emotions I felt when I was with her, everything! Making me smile, while I realized with a dull pain in my chest that, I didn't spend much real time with her, unlike Zoe, who has always been by my side... including me and enriching me at all times, something the book categorized as love.
Feeling a warm burning in my chest that I couldn't reject anymore, I let the book fall onto my lap, looking towards the darkness of the forest while my mind wandered what to say to describe what I felt.
"I… truly... do I love Zoe?" I asked myself, feeling the weight of doubt before answering with a lowered gaze.
"Yes, there is no way not to, she is my sister, she is the woman who has been with me the most… who has taught me the most… who has cared for me the most… who has comforted me the most… who has supported me the most… who has…." I whispered, staying silent before continuing. "Who has loved me the most."
Smiling quietly, I laughed dryly while looking at the stars, touching my chest in a resigned way upon understanding what that really meant.
Shit, being alone with someone for a long time can be dangerous.