When Friday arrived, I slowly woke up and decided to go over a few diary entries from earlier this week. I started with Monday, when I couldn't stop thinking about the cute guy I'd been crushing on at school for weeks.
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Dear Diary,
"Monday at school was one of those days when everything seemed to revolve around him. The guy who's been living in my head rent-free lately. I can't help it, he's just... perfect. He has this effortless charm that pulls me in every time. And when he talks to me, he actually listens. Not just polite small talk like everyone else. He looks into my eyes like he really cares, and my heart races every time.
I'm not even sure how he does it. The way he smiles at me makes everything else disappear. It's like the world just fades away, and for that one moment, all I can think about is him. When he compliments me, even about something small like how my hair looks or how I did on a recent test, it makes my cheeks burn. It's not even just about the compliments. It's how everything he says makes me feel seen, like maybe I matter to someone. And honestly, it's been a long time since I've felt that.
I keep catching myself daydreaming about him, even though I try not to get my hopes up. Still, it's hard not to smile whenever he's around. Even from a distance, I'm just happy that someone like him notices me at all. I don't know where this is going, but for now, I'm grateful that he's there.
Sometimes I catch myself imagining what it would be like if we were actually together. Would he hold my hand in the hallways? Would he save me a seat at lunch? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but when you've felt invisible for so long, the idea that someone might actually see you? It's intoxicating. Maybe even a little dangerous. But I can't help it. For the first time in forever, I feel like I might actually matter to someone.
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Now, I can see how naive I was. On Monday, I had no idea what was coming. She was so hopeful, so ready to believe things might finally be different. Poor girl.
That was Monday's entry. Then came Tuesday. I had this whole plan to meet him, I really thought things would finally go my way. But they didn't exactly work out like I expected.
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Dear Diary,
Tuesday morning was a long and tiring day; I was completely drained after tackling what felt like endless homework. The weight of everything I still had to do felt overwhelming. So, I stepped outside for a quick breath of fresh air before texting Chad about meeting after school.
The evening air was cool against my skin, and the birds chirped softly as the sun dipped below the horizon. For a moment, everything felt peaceful, like time paused. But inside my head, the noise never really stopped.
I thought about all that I had achieved during the day: about how hard I had worked despite feeling exhausted; about how determined I was to reach my goals regardless of any obstacles; about how every little success made me feel proud even when it seemed insignificant in comparison to what still needed to be done. These thoughts gave me strength, reminding me that no matter how daunting things may seem today, if I keep pushing forward, one day these small successes will add up to something much bigger.
Thinking about those little victories helped me feel lighter. I'd finished my work, even if it took longer than planned. It wasn't perfect, but it was progress, and that had to count for something.
Later, I texted Chad to confirm our plans. But when I got to our meeting spot, he wasn't there. When I called, he said something had suddenly come up and canceled. I told myself it was fine, but there was this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was off. I couldn't shake it. As I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal, but I still couldn't help feeling a little hurt. Was it just me, or was he avoiding me?
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That gnawing feeling was my intuition screaming at me, and I ignored it. I wanted so badly to believe in him, in us, that I pushed away every red flag. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
That was Tuesday. Wednesday came, and I had plans to introduce Chad to my best friend, Rosemary. I thought it was a great idea for him to meet one of my friends, but I didn't expect what happened next.
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Dear Diary,
Wednesday felt like one of those days that would never end. I woke up with this heavy feeling in my chest. It's like I just knew something wasn't right. I tried to focus on schoolwork, but Chad was on my mind all day. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate, I kept thinking about him. I got through most of my assignments, but it felt like the day would drag on forever.
During lunch, I went outside to clear my head once again, watching people walk, talk, and laugh. It made me realize how much I've been missing. It's like life keeps going, even when you feel stuck. And despite everything, I knew I still had my friends. Knowing that helped me to keep moving forward.
I invited both Chad and Rosemary to church later that day. I thought it would be a great idea, but something felt off. When we all sat together during church service, I could feel the tension in the air. Something wasn't right between them. They didn't talk much, and I kept getting this weird feeling that I couldn't figure out. I didn't know what had happened, but I should've known that something wasn't right.
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That was the plan, but little did I know that night that the two of them had already met earlier in the week when Chad was too busy to hang out with me. As we sat together at church, I could feel the tension between the two of them, and yet I couldn't figure it out until it was already too late. The next journal entry takes place on Thursday.
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Dear Diary,
Thursday was… a mess. I found out that Chad, the guy I'd been crushing on for weeks, had fallen madly in love with Rosemary, another one of my beautiful friends. I don't know what hurt more: the disappointment or the realization that my feelings didn't matter to him at all.
At first, I felt a wave of sadness, as if all my hopes had just been washed away. But then, something shifted. I realized how happy I was for Rosemary. She deserves someone who would treat her the way I'd wanted Chad to treat me.
It still hurts, though. I wasn't gonna lie about that. I felt a mix of joy, envy, and relief. It was a weird combination. But the most important thing was that I could still be happy for them, even if it stung.
Love is about more than just wanting someone for yourself. Sometimes, it's about stepping back and letting things unfold the way they should. And honestly, I'm proud of myself for being able to see that. Even if it was hard, I was still grateful for the chance to experience this kind of love from afar.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." (1 Corinthians 13:4–8, NIV).
As much as it hurts to accept that this person is no longer available to me romantically, I am happy knowing they will find the kind of true happiness they have been searching for all along. So, while it might take some time for the pain of this revelation to fade completely, I can still appreciate what an amazing journey it has been and hope that their future together will be everything they both deserve.
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I wrote those words on Thursday, trying to convince myself I believed them. And maybe part of me did. But reading them now, on Friday morning, I can still feel the hurt underneath all that grace. It's noble to be happy for them, and I genuinely am, but it doesn't erase the pain. It doesn't change the fact that once again, I wasn't chosen!
Once again, I wasn't enough! This isn't the first time. Lucy chose someone else. Jonah chose someone else. And now Chad chose someone else. There's a pattern here I can't ignore anymore. I keep telling myself it's not about me, that I'm happy for them, that love is patient and kind and all those beautiful things. But what about me? When do I get chosen? When do I stop being the supporting character in everyone else's love story? I'm so tired of being noble. I'm so tired of being patient. I just want to matter to someone the way I see everyone else matter to each other. Is that really too much to ask? How many times can one person be patient and kind before they just break?!