"I'm not asking that she run around outside and fight ice bears," Hollis implored, bracing his elbows over the counter in the kitchen as Madja fixed him with a stare while she assembled a tray for Nova, intending to bring it to her room. "All I'm requesting is that she be downstairs for breakfast."
"She is not ready for so much excitement."
Hollis leaned back from the counter, holding the edge as he struggled to find his patience. He leaned forward again, "I mean this with all due respect, but what you've been doing isn't working. This sedentary life is killing her. I am watching the life leave her eyes and I will damned if I don't at least try to do something."
Madja settled a hard stare on him, narrowed her eyes, and slowly nodded, "Alright. I will request that she be moved from her room to the table. I advise you to find a softer seat for her to sit back against."
With a soft sigh of relief, Hollis nodded and couldn't help but smile, "Thank you." He didn't know if this would work or if it would completely backfire and be worse, but at least it was something different from what they had been doing. He left to find the best chair he could. All the dining chairs had seat cushions, but all had wooden backs that wouldn't be very comfortable for a healing spine.
It wasn't long until Hollis remembered a chair in the drawing room, similar to a dining chair, that was plush with cushions, even on the armrests. Soon, he was carrying it to the dining room over his head, careful not to bang the legs against the door frame. Others had already begun to take their seat when they looked over, notes of paper to the sides of their plates, to discuss the inventory collected from last night.
Viviane raised a brow and quirked a small smile, "Hollis, what on earth are you doing?"
Hollis smiled and set the chair between Rhysand and Feyre, "Nova is going to come down to breakfast."
Feyre looked up from her paper, where she'd already scratched a note, eyes wide, "She is?"
"Madja thinks it would be a good idea to get her out of that room for a while." Hollis nodded, just as Madja's voice drifted through the hall and asked for the accompaniment of two. With Emerie and Azriel being closest to the door, they stood and left.
Rhys smiled, the excitement of seeing his daughter downstairs was almost too good to be true, but he quickly addressed the table, "I need everyone to be aware that Nova does not like an overwhelming amount of attention."
Upstairs, Madja entered the room first and frowned as she stared at Nova, still under her covers in bed. The dinner of chicken and potatoes lay to her right, a mug of something to her left, both seemingly untouched. With a firm nod of her head, she ventured further and turned the lights on. "Good morning, Nova. Time to go."
Nova, having woken less than twenty minutes ago, slowly turned her head to see the three of them standing at the other end of the room. She turned back over, "I don't want to exercise."
Stupid box.
Stupid rag.
"Well, then it's a good thing you're not," Emerie said as she approached, searching through her closet. "Azriel, start to shower, would you, and give us a moment? Stay nearby to go down the stairs."
Without question, Azriel completed the task, coming out of the bathroom as the water echoed and steamed. "Don't be long or Cas will eat all the bacon." He managed a small smile, one she didn't return as he left and closed the door.
Nova lay quietly for a long time before she softly said, "I don't want to go downstairs."
It was then that Emerie squatted in front of her, "Yes, you do. You don't know how much you do right now, but you do. You have to fight, Nova. I know it's hard and I know it's shitty, but if you don't fight right you are going to lose yourself. We will help you, but it all starts with a choice."
Blinking away the moisture in her eyes, Nova gritted her teeth, and though she didn't want to, she let Emerie help her from the bed. She'd spent so long lying there, crying into her bedding, that deep sores along her entire body penetrated her nerves. Lying was painful, standing was worse, but walking was excruciating.
This time they didn't use a chair in the shower, Emerie stayed with her the whole time to make sure she didn't fall as the soap and water ran down her body. She'd like to say she felt like a new person when the water was shut off and her skin was dried with a towel. Perhaps physically she felt more refreshed, but that ache in her chest that had infiltrated the night before was ever-present.
Instead of dressing in lounge clothes that she'd sleep in, they helped her dress in something comfortable but casual. Nova had always been a stickler for wearing her Valkyrie leathers, but this would be fine, she supposed—black leggings, a gray shirt, and boots. Emerie finished brushing her hair back, braiding it down her back with a small smile.
"Do you remember the first time I tried to braid your hair?"
Nova forced a small smile as she recalled and nodded, "Hm…I think I threw the hairbrush at you."
Laughing, she nodded, "You kept saying, 'Ouch, don't touch my hair'."
"I remember…" Nova nodded, pursing her lips as she stood on shaking legs, with their help, and sighed. Why couldn't she get better? Should it be taking this long? Maybe there was something else wrong with her.
Helping her to the door, Az waited patiently against the wall as they entered the hall. With Emerie under her right arm and Azriel taking her left from Madja, they began the long trek from the bedroom toward the dining room. By the time they reached the bottom of the second flight of stairs, Nova clung to her supports and had to stop.
"We can stop," Az said, moving himself to hold more of her weight.
"I shouldn't have to stop."
Then, before she realized what was happening, Azriel was in front of her. "Sometimes we all have to stop," he said, glancing up at him with a clenched jaw. As he continued, "And when you're ready, we will walk again."
Lowering her gaze, he moved to her side again, supporting her and helping walk her back down when she was ready.
"What do you feel?" Emerie asked gently. "Physically. How does your body feel right now?"
Nova swallowed dryly, "Like…I can't take a big enough breath."
Nodding, she didn't say another word as they neared the dining hall. It was alive with the sounds of chatter and the clinking of cutlery against plates. As Madja opened the door, allowing them in easily, everyone glanced over and Nova stiffened, but to her surprise (and delight), they didn't begin asking her questions. Without the strain of a million eyes on her, she sat in the chair between her parents.
Viviane smiled at Nova, "We're happy to see you, please, help yourself."
The table was laid with an entire feast of breakfast, and everyone in the palace was in attendance. Even…
Nova ignored the direction of Nesta and Ana, though she could hear Cassian's booming voice from a mile away. "Was there really a fist fight?"
"No," Hollis corrected him, "Jane only threatened it."
Nieve rolled her eyes with a grin. "Oh, please. I just saw them having dinner together the other night. If she were going to kill him, she would have poisoned his soup by now."
"What if he made the soup?" Kole asked. "Maybe he's a good cook and she's biding her time."
The idle chit-chat was confusing, as Nova didn't know who or what they were talking about, but she stared at the food, unsure if she actually wanted to eat. She didn't feel very hungry, which was strange considering the last thing she'd eaten was the other night, and she recalled eating only a bite or two. Instead of food, feeling a bit nauseous, she opted to pour herself a glass of water.
She started to reach her hand forward and stopped. That pitcher was practically filled to the brim. What if it was too heavy for her to pour? She could imagine herself now, dropping the thing in a shattering blast, making a mess of the breakfast table.
"I don't care for it myself," Feyre responded to something Viviane said as she reached forward and poured herself some water, followed by Nova's and Rhys's. As if absent-mindedly, but Nova knew better.
She just wished she'd been able to do it herself.
With a shaky hand, she took the glass and concentrated, keeping it to her mouth for extra support as the liquid rushed past her lips. Cool and refreshing, she was reminded it had been a long time since she'd had anything to drink either. She knew the reality – what the lack of nutrition does to someone.
If she were in the forest relying on her surroundings, she'd become delirious without food or water. She'd get sicker with each passing day, physically and mentally. Perhaps she'd start to hear voices or lose the will to live. The Nova that fought tooth and nail on the forest floor was not the Nova that sat at the Winter Courts dining table. She knew what was right for her body and what was making her sick, and still, she couldn't bring herself to take anything off the center table.
How did it make sense?
How could a person know how to help themselves, but then blatantly do the opposite?
If she wanted to feel better, she needed to eat, but she wouldn't.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Are you alright with that, Nova?"
Nova looked up as Hollis repeated himself with a smile, "Do you want to visit the horses?"
Furrowing her brow, the first response she wanted to give was 'no', but with everyone at the table, she wasn't sure if she could form the word, especially with how excited he seemed at the prospect.
"Sure…"
Hollis grinned, "I'll get your coat."
The stables were clean, and despite there being a noticeable difference from outside, Nova gritted her teeth to contain her shivers. To go to the stables, Azriel and Cassian chaperoned her, ensuring she had someone to lean on from both sides, but let her walk without aid as much as she was able.
"If it's too cold, we can go in." Cassian offered.
Nova clenched jaw, "I'm fine."
It was a gamble to bring her here, Hollis knew that. He didn't know how she'd feel, but it had to be better than being stuck in that room all day. "I want to reintroduce you to someone." He continued to walk down the aisle, but when he walked by Winter, she snorted at him expectantly.
"I'll be right back," he assured her. To which she snorted and turned in her stall to block his vision with her tail end. Smirking, he shook his head, "Very mature of you. She's had a bit of an attitude since I've started giving more attention to Ruby."
Nova glanced at Winter as they walked by, her limping gait much slower than theirs. Each step she took was a little lopsided, and she hoped it was the uneven ground. It was a long way down, and Nova did her best to hide her discomfort as they approached one of the last stalls. Within stood a tall, chestnut stallion.
"Harlan," Hollis smiled, "He's the one who took a snap at you before, but he's tamed since then. I didn't know if you might want to help me with him."
"Help you with him?" She asked, surely, she wouldn't be riding, though there was a bit of excitement in the idea. Would she finally do something more challenging?
Hollis nodded as he reached into a bin mounted on one of the hooks outside the stall. He withdrew two brushes and handed her one of them. "The horses can't be bathed with water right now with the temperatures. They aren't like the reindeer with the extra padding. We have to do dry brushing for now to clean them off."
Staring down at the long-bristled brush, she sighed softly and moved forward toward the stall and held her hand to Harlan as an offering. She let him sniff her, searching for a non-existent treat in her hand. She stroked her fingers down his neck when he seemed to accept her and then glanced over her shoulder at Azriel and Cassian, who seemed delighted.
"I'm not stupid, you know," she said, and their smiles faded. "Let me guess. First a box, then a rag, now a brush." Hollis probably hadn't even wanted her out here. It had likely been Emerie's suggestion all along.
"Nova…" Cas frowned, but she turned from them and brushed down Harlan's side with slow strokes. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying, but Cas moved forward, "It's not a punishment, Nova. We are trying to help you heal, and this is a way we can do that. The small, mundane tasks are all part of a bigger picture."
"I know!"
Harlan snorted and threw his head back with a crying whinny, and Hollis quickly reached for his bridle as he said, as calmly as he could, "Nova, step out of the stall." But as she moved to leave, Harlan lurched to the left and clamped his teeth down on Nova's right shoulder.
"Fuck!" She cried out as a hand reached forward and snagged her by her arm.
Cassian yanked her to his chest, but the damage had been done, and he cursed softly.
"I'm fine."
Cas looked up with a frown, "Stop saying you're fine, Nova. You're not fine. None of this is fine, and that's okay. Let us help you."
Together, Hollis and Azriel managed to calm Harlan in his stall enough to close the door. "I think I'll stay with him a little longer," Hollis nodded, not risking a glance at Nova. This wasn't how he'd wanted or expected this day to go. In his mind, she was happy to see the horses and they'd she'd get to spend time with all of her family. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel like she was being manipulated. He hadn't realized the significance of asking her to help him brush out Harlan when Emerie suggested it, but now he felt sick to his stomach. Her day from her room had turned into an underhanded exercise attempt, and he'd been part of it.
Nova swallowed, "I'm sorry I scared him."
Offering a tight smile, he nodded and turned to Harlan, still agitated behind the door, as Nova began limping stiffly back toward the palace. She kept her eyes on the ground ahead, ignoring her uncles on either side of her.
Cassian's voice was gentle as he said, "Nova, you can talk to us. You aren't alone. We are right here."
"You barely know me," she snapped back, the venom that laced her tone bitter on her tongue. The gray that had settled in her core like dust pulsated ruby red, curling her lip and clenching her jaw. "You're not important enough in my life to have a say in what I do or how I do it."
Cassian's foot scraped the ground from his break in cadence, frowning as they continued walking. He could practically feel her anger emanate from her, rippling like a current through him.
"Is that another thing you learned from Nesta?" He asked. "She, too, says hurtful things when she feels vulnerable."
Nova snarled. "Fuck you. We're not related and we're not family, so stop acting like we are."
Silence lingered as they reached the stables' end, the tension in the vicinity palpable as Cassian said, "We have very different definitions of family."
Nova swallowed the guilt that gathered in her throat. She said nothing else.
"This will take some time to heal," Madja nodded, examining Nova's shoulder with one arm out of her shirt. A massive amount of bruising had bloomed, making it difficult for her to move at all. Still, she sat quietly, numbly, as Madja sanitized the area with an antiseptic that burned her nose.
Keeping her eyes on the ground, she met anyone's gaze. Least of all Cassian or Azriel's, but they didn't seem particularly interested in meeting hers either. Good, she didn't want to. All she wanted, from the day she'd arrived in Velaris, was to go back to her island where she could live her days in quiet solitude. Where every choice she made was her own, and no one interfered.
They talked. She didn't listen. Dampening the sound in her ears, Nova reverted within herself to utter silence. Even as Feyre asked if she'd like anything to eat, her gaze stayed fixated on a section of carpet. Unresponsive.
"Nova?" Feyre tried again and frowned.
Ana, who had quietly been sitting beside Azriel, holding his hand in both of hers. She didn't know what transpired in the stables, but she was quick to offer her comfort when she first saw his expression.
"She can't hear you," Ana murmured, "She sometimes takes away her hearing when she is…overwhelmed."
Despite knowing Nova couldn't hear them, she whispered, "Is it something she does often?"
"Not quite so much in the recent past. If she did, it was usually if the noises were too much. The only other time she's turned off completely because of emotion was…when we first arrived on the island. When she realized we weren't taking her back. This, I told you. She didn't eat for days, didn't speak for longer. If we tried to engage, she lashed out angrily. Since then, she was taught her meditation forms, but…" Ana couldn't say for sure that Nova hadn't been meditating, so she wouldn't assume, but if she were to be told she hadn't been, it wouldn't come as a surprise.
Leaning back against the couch, longingly watching Nova's profile, she bit her lip to refrain from crying. "I just thought she was improving."
The change seemed so sudden…or was it? Had they been merely ignoring other signs in favor of what they wanted to see from her?
When she smiled at them, were they warm? Did they make her eyes sparkle like they once did when she had been undeniably happy? Feyre recalled the eve of the Solstice, and the way she filled with light as she decorated her meager tree. Perhaps she had that happiness on the island, but she hadn't seen it in Velaris since her return.
Not once.
"I don't know how to make her happy…" Feyre murmured.
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Rhys pressed a soft kiss against her ear, "We have no control over others, only how we choose to treat them. We do the best we can and let her decide the rest."
Were they not sensitive enough? She didn't know what course of action was needed. Perhaps they'd pushed too hard or not hard enough. How does anyone know any of these things, and how do they live with the guilt of the unknown? There was truly no way of knowing when to intervene and when not to, and with that, perhaps Rhys was right.
Perhaps they needed to leave it to fate.
Dinner came and went, as did those who inhabited the drawing room. Soon, Nova was alone, as she wanted, and she didn't realize it until she turned the sound on and lifted her head. The room, though still cheerfully lit, was empty…and she didn't feel any better than she had.
The grandfather clock ticked, the fire crackled, and the wine sitting precariously on one of the overflowing bookshelves called her name. Not once had Nova consumed alcohol, always so focused on never losing her control or her composure, but that had already been lost so…fuck it.
Using as much strength as she could, she lifted herself from the chair, grimacing as her back cracked from being still for so long, and dragged herself toward it. With the use of the tables and extra shelving, careful not to get too close to the fire, she snagged the bottle from above and plopped into the nearest seat. It was a little softer, having not been indented by her form for hours in the same position.
Nova popped the cork, thankful it wasn't too tight, and swallowed a bitter-sweet mouthful. She wrinkled her nose, sniffed the bottle, and took another swig.
Okay, it wasn't terrible.
Half a bottle in and the fire nearing the end of its embers, Nova settled in to let the calming waves of the wine let her sleep. At least her guilt wasn't quite as loud.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Kallias said as he entered the drawing room. "I thought everyone had gone to bed. Couldn't sleep?"
Swallowing the bit of wine that was still in her mouth, her heart plummeted as she glanced up and watched Hollis's father enter the room. He was dressed more elegantly than his son, but she wondered if the only difference was the state of his hair. It wasn't windswept and unruly but smoothed back with something sleek.
Surely, he knew about the bite, and she didn't blame Hollis for being cross with her.
"Did you want another log, or were you wanting to retire for the night?" He asked, entering the space.
When she didn't respond, he tilted his head and studied her for a long moment before nodding. "I was informed you were hurt today. Are you alright?" When she, again, didn't respond, Kallias pursed his lips and slowly settled himself on the couch. "But that's not the bother, I'm sure. Not what keeps you from eating and sleeping."
"I don't care if a horse bites me," Nova slurred, glaring at the bottle in her hands. Was it nearing the bottom now?
"I imagined not, though you can never be too sure what might make someone upset."
Nova rolled her eyes and leaned her head back, "What's done is done, and nothing will be as it was."
"That is true…are we still talking about a horse bite?"
Ignoring his question, she talked to the ceiling, feeling as though she'd taken a tonic. Some of the ache in her limbs eased, but the clarity of her mind had been compromised. "Because before, I did everything I was supposed to. I followed the orders, I completed the tasks, and none of that stopped any of it from happening. I called myself a Valkyrie," she scoffed, "But Nesta was right, of course she was. I've never been a Valkyrie. A Valkyrie controls chaos, but I am chaos. A month ago, I was an elite warrior, and now I can't walk down a flight of steps."
"No one can control chaos."
"I'm supposed to."
"No. You're not," Kallias said as Nova lifted her head to glare at him, but he continued. "You are to control yourself despite the chaos. You speak of control, but you have none of it."
Nova ruffled.
"You've lost control because you're licking the same wounds. You cannot heal past what you don't allow yourself to move forward from. And I am not talking about what happened to you. That is going to be a lifelong process of grieving, but bitterly blaming others for how you're feeling is only going to hurt you."
Nova gripped the bottle in her hands and met his gaze with a scowl. "I don't blame them." She wanted to deal with her pain the way she always had in the past, alone. She wasn't licking wounds, she was just…acting on self-preservation.
"Do you genuinely believe you can do this alone?" Kallias asked, leaning his elbows on his thighs as he addressed her with a frown. "Or does seeing everyone do everything for you when you were so self-reliant before, fill you with so much guilt you don't know how to feel anymore?"
Fear filled her eyes, and Nova quickly looked away, jaw clenched. Was she sober? She felt far too sober. Maybe she needed another drink.
Sitting back on the sofa a little, Kallias rubbed his jaw and contemplated a moment before he asked, "What do you know about the Winter Court's history?"
Finally meeting his gaze, she dragged her thumb across the top of the bottle. "Not much."
"Have you studied any of its tales?"
Nova slowly shook her head.
"Well," he began, crossing his ankle over his knee, "There's a story that predates me. I never witnessed it, but my grandfather often spoke of it. When the people of the Winter Court herded more livestock before we began trading with other Courts, they encountered a significant issue with wolves. They stalked the countryside, always ever-present in the forest. The wolves knew not to hunt while we were among the livestock and would wait until night. Each morning, another death, another loss.
Then one day, one of the herders decided they would try to trick the wolf into leaving their territory alone. Using a blade, the soaked its steel in blood. The blood froze, and they soaked it again. They repeated this over and over until the blade was covered in layers of frozen blood.
They hammered the handle into the ground and left it for the night, and the wolves did exactly as they thought they would. Smelling the blood, they began to lick it. All was fine…until their tongues became numb…and they didn't feel the slice of the blade."
Nova stiffened her shoulders.
"Unable to realize they were licking the sharpened edge of a sword, they didn't stop. They continued, even though it was now their blood they were consuming."
Tears streamed down Nova's face as her lower lip trembled, and Kallias moved a little closer, his voice gentle, "Don't be bitter because you can't do something or have been made to feel incapable. I don't say this to upset you, because it is an upsetting story, but you need to know that every time you let the anger you feel strike another, it's another lick of the blade. Soon enough, you'll find yourself wallowing in your own blood, and there might be nothing any of us can do to help you."
Nova's deep breath came out as a shudder, "But I can't make it go away. It won't…go away."
"You weren't born with the control you once had. So, how did you learn it before?"
Thinking back to a time so long ago, the first time she meditated, but why did it seem so much more difficult now to think about trying?
"Things didn't hurt so much before…"
"And they'll never stop hurting," Kallias murmured, "The scar of grief always remains, but our joy can form around it. These are things I've said before that have landed on deaf ears, and I hope they don't now."
Everything Nova had done in the past, every skill she'd attempted, she usually mastered quickly. It was nothing for her to learn a new form of combat or decide she suddenly wanted to be an expert in herbs. It all came so naturally because she was inclined to do that work, and the work paid off. Then, lying in bed, it didn't matter how hard she tried…she was stuck. No matter how much perseverance she had, it meant nothing.
She didn't even mind that people helped her, but she hated that her own ability to improve was stunted. She'd controlled how long she ran, how hard she trained, and how often she studied. Then it was gone, and the only person she was able to blame…the only person she was able to hate…was herself.
Slowly, she set the bottle on the nearest shelf and met Kallias's eyes, which radiated warmth despite the cool blue. They were darker than Hollis's, she noticed.
"Would," she took a breath and tried again, "Would you mind helping me up the stairs to my room?"
Kallias smiled gently and nodded, "I'd be happy to."
Standing, he crossed the room and carefully helped her stand, guiding her out of the room and up the stairs.
"I don't think I like wine."
Kallias chuckled, "I keep the good stuff in the cellar. What you drank is absolute piss."
Nova laughed.