The window stripped the moonlight of any lingering warmth. By the time it finally spilled into the room, it was nothing more than a pure optical phenomenon.
It was like a silent observer, separated from the indoor world by a pane of transparent glass—it could see everything, it could pass through, but it couldn't change a single thing.
Shu kept the window tightly shut, not leaving the moonlight a single path to intervene. It could only watch helplessly as Shu pulled the MP4 player the doctor had given him from the drawer, plugged in his earphones, and hit play.
Tori no Uta (Bird's Poem).
The sweeping, melancholic melody of the violin bloomed in both ears simultaneously, piercing straight through his brain—an effect impossible to achieve with a single earpiece.
The long-lost music completely relaxed Shu's rigid posture.
Humans... are truly bizarre creatures.
They claim to hate death, they claim to hate the rain, they claim to hate noise and clamor...
And yet?
When they truly resist death, they suddenly find themselves missing the meaningless noise of everyday life. And when they finally escape the clamor and find true silence, they suddenly discover an appreciation for the sound of falling rain.
And amidst the patter of the rain, death somehow transforms into a subject that no longer feels taboo.
So, are human preferences truly decided by the individual?
Yes... but the crushing weight of environmental factors says otherwise.
No... but then why does every individual ultimately develop entirely different preferences?
So, are human beings just a product of their environment?
Countless people would violently reject and curse that statement.
So, are human beings completely independent of their environment?
There are plenty of people who fiercely support that theory as well.
Or perhaps, some people actually know absolutely nothing. They support neither side; they just want to argue and contradict, disguising themselves as "adults" capable of participating in profound discussions.
They wrap their sheer ignorance and incompetence in pseudo-intellectualism, using the word "dialectics"—a concept they only know the name of—to justify their blanket denials of everything.
Dialectics is supposed to be the organic integration and acknowledgment of opposing truths...
When you've met enough people, when you stand high enough to see the entirety of many different lives, when you finally open your eyes and truly look at the world, you realize something.
Wow... a person's life really can be incredibly small...
The world is so vast—mountains, rivers, lakes, and seas; flora and fauna; the boundless diversity of the human experience; the sweeping grand narrative of history... Yet the vast majority of people fixate entirely on the mundane trivialities of their own existence. They stare only at the carrot dangling in front of their faces, futilely churning their legs.
Resentment, curses... jealousy, framing...
To seek and not obtain is suffering. To love and be separated is suffering.
Yet there are those who never truly "seek," but still bitterly resent their "lack of obtaining." They cry out, "The world is unfair... Why don't I get anything?"
They never put in the effort... or rather, they believe "effort" is simply reaching out their hand to demand it. If you refuse to give it to them, then it's your fault.
He has already done everything in his power to beg from you; why won't you take pity on him?
You are so capable and privileged; why won't you take pity on him?
And indeed, someone will take pity on him... or rather, many people already have.
But he has never once offered any love of his own. He simply believes he is inherently entitled to possess everything.
So, when he inevitably loses the beautiful things that were freely given to him, he wails that he is experiencing the agonizing "suffering of separation."
...So... what exactly makes a human?
Is it the fact that during the most impoverished, desperate eras, people can unite, working together to overcome insurmountable obstacles?
Is it the fact that under the most extreme conditions, an explosion of sheer will and shared sentiment can forge a Great Wall of flesh and blood?
Is it the fact that in the face of absolute despair, there will always be birds that sing loudly beneath a locked and suffocating sky?
These are humans.
And those things that are disloyal, unfilial, merciless, unjust, ignorant, insolent, heartless, and soulless... they are also humans.
Shu dragged his thumb hard against the grooved texture of the pill bottle cap, grinding the skin until a sharp sting of pain registered in his brain.
Is this the inherent duality of humanity?
"You have to admit, this is just how people are. Greed and generosity housed in the same body. The line between a blessing and vicious jealousy is razor-thin. Even the dove of peace will transform into a bullet of aggression, mercilessly gunning down another dove of peace just to secure a meager sliver of profit."
He really didn't want to admit it...
He truly, deeply didn't want to admit it.
But looking at the grand picture, it seemed humanity truly was like this. Self-contradictory, self-condemning, yet inevitably displaying both its deepest, vilest flaws and its most radiant brilliance.
"To love someone means you must be able to accept their flaws while loving their virtues."
"Even if a person's flaws are as numerous as the stars, when the sun comes out, all the stars disappear..."
"After all... at birth, human nature is inherently good..."
Hah... what perfectly logical sentiments... Sentiments so logical they felt like moral blackmail, forcing him to accept them.
Yes. Shu admitted it.
The brilliance of humanity was so blindingly radiant that it made enduring the flaws worthwhile, inspiring one to continue fighting for the future.
So... at his core...
He must truly, deeply love this world and everyone in it.
That was why he had so earnestly tried to dedicate his entire life to answering that question. That was why he harbored no regrets, even after torturing himself to this pathetic state.
The failures of the world needed a reason to accept themselves. The weak needed a true home. The world could be a better place; he just needed to follow in the footsteps of his predecessors and leave his own options for the future.
Turn the world into a multiple-choice question... give everyone the ability to fill in their own answer.
But... Shu had only just realized something.
It seemed that light and darkness... were not necessarily a duality present in every person.
Perhaps... the difference lay between individuals.
Some people are born radiant. Even if they are thrown into the most grueling, hostile environments, sturdy reeds will still grow from the mud—humble, yet incredibly resilient.
And some people are born rotten, born reeking. Even if you wrap them in the most magnificent finery, they are still demonic ghouls from hell, exuding an unbearable stench.
At birth, human nature is inherently good.
Therefore, those who are merciless and unjust...
Are not human.
Ah... I see... I see...
So... I've been trying to save those non-humans along with everyone else... Those born with hideous souls. Those born rotting and oozing malice.
Those who are born rotting in the mud, who never ask for help, but instead curse the mud, and curse you for standing before them.
Those people do not need saving.
They don't deserve it.
...
"Then why not just let it go?"
Shu suddenly spoke, a faint smile on his lips.
"Why refuse to save them? Just because they don't act human, does that mean I should ignore the mud altogether?"
Shu smiled, though the look in his eyes grew increasingly desolate and calm.
"I never cared about who I was saving...
"I only ever cared about the mud. Because that mud might truly be trapping someone who shines with light."
...
Then why are you...
"I just... realized my own limitations, that's all," Shu whispered, speaking as if to himself.
"So... I think this is a good place to stop. If I continue blindly pushing forward on my own, the final result might betray my original intentions."
"And conveniently... I'm a little tired."
...
With lowered eyes, he unscrewed the cap of the pill bottle.
"Yeah... I'm just a little tired... that's all."