I stared at her door.
It was 12 noon, I should have gone to sleep a while ago, but there I was, awake, having just come out of the bathroom.
Four days had passed since Otsuki came to my house, but I didn't bother to reflect on the things she said to me. Much less to go out.
What's more, I was berating myself for what I'd done after she left. It was disgusting. When I came to my senses, I swore I'd never do it again. At least, not with her.
A friendly face. Maybe not innocent, perhaps too self-aware of her situation, but friendly nonetheless. She tried to deny it constantly.
On Monday I completely ignored the idea of going to class, and I've continued to do so ever since. And I don't say "ever since" because that's about to change. At the moment, I still have no intention of going to class.
I can't even go out like that; whenever I stand in front of the door, I get anxious. It's just like when I was little.
I can't help but think that all the effort my grandmother made to help me was in vain, so I hide it by saying it's just part of the process. That it's normal.
I closed the door behind me as I entered my room, trying not to make too much noise so as not to wake my father.
As for him, he's been more cheerful since we went to apologize to Haruka and Otsuki. He hasn't reduced his working hours much, but he's showing more interest in me now.
It's not like he showed it before, but he assumed a lot of things, and I guess now he'll want to force a conversation with me.
He probably thinks he's doing me a favor, but I'd rather eat alone if he's going to be talking the whole time. At dinner, he seems like a twenty-something who's just fallen in love. Except, instead of twenty, he's forty… I guess forty is the new thirty.
Clicking at the disturbing image of my father dressed in ripped jeans, chains, and a bunch of rings, I sat down in my chair.
I had a lamp on my bedside table. The bulb inside was a warm tone, and perhaps a little dim, but I liked that it wasn't too bright. The lamp only made it dimmer.
I had paused the anime I was watching. It wasn't a cooking show, but a character was making teriyaki chicken that looked amazing… The only thing I could do after that was make rice… and even then, it was more or less the same.
" Sigh , I wish I could cook... I should learn."
I've been saying that for a long time, and even though I really want to, I'll never end up doing it. Or if I do, it'll be when I start needing to, or when my father forces me to.
Between cooking, going to work, and cleaning the house when it's time, she hardly has any free time, so it wouldn't be surprising if she taught me just to get the work off her plate.
I should be doing that and much more, but he's still too gentle with me. I wonder if he was like that when I was born too.
I stared at the floor, and, as if to avoid watching anime, I got up from the chair again, grabbed my phone from the counter, and took the other phone out of a drawer.
I threw my phone to the side of the bed and lay down next to it. I turned on the other phone.
I should upload it when I'm finished…
A completely normal background, and a tab asking for a password. "Of course, I need the list..."
Having forgotten what I came for, I picked up my other mobile phone and looked for a document I had saved.
Here.
The only thing inside was a neatly ordered row of four-digit numbers, from 0001 to 0100. This was the last one he had entered.
I've been skipping a few days of doing this, and I'd already given up on the idea of going for the seventh attempt onwards.
"…Well, let's see if we have any luck…"
0101- Incorrect password
0102- Incorrect password
0103- Incorrect password
0104- Incorrect password
0105- Incorrect password, please try again at-
" I'll pass."
I put my phone on the nightstand and picked up mine. I jotted down all the numbers I tried to enter and exited the document. I put my phone back next to me.
I looked at the ceiling of my room. It was caressed by the dim light coming from the computer screen, slightly altering its regular color.
How many times have I looked at the ceiling?, I thought.
I wanted to find something to do in moments like these, something I could turn to without hesitation. But there are always times when I don't want to do anything, no matter how much I want to avoid them.
The best thing would be to accept them, to live with them, but I can't. I can't ignore all the time I waste lying in bed, constantly looking at things on the internet. At this rate, I'm going to run out of brain cells.
I had an idea, though I had no hope for it. In fact, I didn't want to do it.
"…I wonder if Izumi will answer me."
[Hello!!!] Along with the greeting, I sent a gif of a random anime girl waving. It was the first thing that came up when I searched for it.
I was so embarrassed, at least, that I had to put my phone down and turn my back on him. I didn't want to think about the fact that he had actually written back.
I'd given up on her from day one; nothing was working, and every time we talked, it felt empty. I couldn't stop thinking she wasn't worth it, that I should stop.
And yet, here I am, waiting.
I really don't want her to answer, I regret it, I should delete the message.
Even if I wanted to, I didn't have the strength to turn over and check my phone. I stayed turned away, doing nothing but playing with one end of the sheets. My bed was already unmade, after all.
It was completely ironic. I'd been saying the whole time I spoke to her that it was pointless, that it wouldn't lead anywhere, and that she wasn't worth talking to. And yet, you still decide to talk to her?
If you were going to text her eventually, you should have done it sooner. She's probably upset that you're not saying anything. You'll be the first person Izumi has ever befriended at a convention, maybe even at any convention, and all you do is ignore her. That's just wrong.
Minutes passed, and there was no response. After ten minutes, I gave up on the idea of talking to her so late and sat back down in my chair, prepared to waste time. I could easily go to sleep, but then I'd be wasting time.
I logged into Steam. I had a few games, all clearly bought with my dad's money, but no matter how many there were, I never played any of them. At least, I haven't played them for a couple of days. Weeks, even.
When I choose to watch anime, I don't know what to watch either. And if I do end up watching something, I'll lose my mind imagining different things, adding characters that don't fit the story. Maybe to do that properly, I'd have to watch bad anime, which don't have their own structure, but then I don't enjoy watching them, even though I'm not actually watching them.
I kept jumping back and forth between one option and another. Play, watch, play, read, watch, read… It was nonstop. And no matter how much I moved, I was accomplishing less than nothing; I was slowly messing with my head.
Everything changed when I heard my phone vibrate.
[Hi!!] After the text, there was a sticker with a rabbit waving at the screen.
Just as I had done before, I lay down on the bed, now with my mobile phone in my hands, and ready to spend some time writing.
[How are you?]
[Well, I'm already preparing for my midterms... I'm a little fed up :(]
Damn, that's right, I have exams in two weeks. Uh, I think I can study everything in a week. If all else fails, I'll meet up with Otsuki and…
I imagined how she would react if I asked her something like, "Hey, could we get together to study? I'm doing terribly..."
No, no, no . I shouldn't count on her .
[Are you doing okay, at least?]
[Yes, although I'm tired. My sister is too.]
I stared blankly at the text for a moment, although I then answered as if nothing had happened.
[That's right, she was going to high school, wasn't she?]
Izumi sent a sticker of a cat with its arms crossed, nodding.
[fumu fumu]. [Every day he scares me about going there. Saying things like it's complicated, that I'll be studying all day…]
[My he-]
-If you had to do everything I do, you wouldn't be able to handle it-
I deleted what I was going to write before sending it.
[It must be very hard]
[And it is!!! I'm terrified of the future]
She sent a sticker of a scared, crying rabbit. I think she really likes them. I replied with one of a teddy bear that said "Cheer up!" It was that or send her one of my old stickers.
[Were you in your junior year of high school?]
[nope, in my second]
[Oh? And how old are you then?]
[14, my birthday is May 23rd]
[Well, you're the same age as me, for now]
[Really? I thought you were in your junior year of high school]
[If I am, my birthday is December 4th]
[Wow, you don't really get that much out of me]
[I almost didn't make it to the next year]
I didn't know what else to say. I could ask him about anything, like "What did you do today?" or "What are your plans for tomorrow?", but something held me back. It felt too forced, and I didn't want it to be that way.
As if all of this wasn't forced enough already. Guess what I ended up doing.
What have you done today?
[Mmm, well, besides studying, I went for a walk. Near my house there's a dirt path that goes around a hill, and it offers some really beautiful scenery. Even with the clouds, it was very relaxing.]
[Luckily it didn't rain]
And I see you've already turned on autocorrect…
[Yes, very lucky. There was a time that exactly happened to me and I ended up soaked!] Along with the text, Izumi sent a rabbit in the rain, huddled up and hugging its legs.
She continued talking, [And you? You'll need to have your exams nearby too]
…
[Okay, I still have 2 weeks, so]
[And you haven't started?]
[No]
[I'm sure you'll be fine anyway]
Things don't work that way, but I'd better keep quiet .
And if you're already studying, what are you doing up so late? Don't you have class tomorrow?
[Ah, yes I do have them, but I just can't sleep. And I could say the same to you.]
You couldn't say the same to me; I'm not going to class tomorrow. Or the day after, or…
I stared at my phone, at the text I wrote in class.
Am I even going back to class?
Aside from my studies, I have no reason to go to class. I could make the most of this excuse, keep it going until no one believes it anymore, and continue doing it even if they give me dirty looks. Most likely they won't, they'll just forget about me.
To the vast majority, I'm nothing more than that kid in the video, the classmate who went crazy, that kid who's now locked up at home. Nobody's going to see me unless they have homework to give me.
I'm not going to learn much in class anyway; I don't usually pay much attention, and I get good grades. I could do everything at home.
And even though I think all that, one day I'll end up going.
[I'll just wait until tomorrow when I'm sleepy]
[Us*]
I let out a sigh of laughter and rubbed my eyes with my free hand. I was starting to get tired. I felt like sleeping. Was it because I was beginning to feel like I'd had enough?
[So, for the time being, I'm going to try to get as much sleep as I can.]
Okay, I'll try the same.
I would have written "Goodnight" after that, but since Izumi is a girl, I felt embarrassed. It felt awkward, and I definitely didn't want to do it if she didn't do it first.
I waited and waited for her to say something, but she didn't. She ended up forcing me to act. I wasn't going to just leave the chat like that.
[We'll talk another day]
[Yes, good night]
I didn't expect us to talk again. If she hasn't tried to reach out before, and has waited for me to say something, then this isn't going anywhere.
I can't even consider her a friend. She's just someone I know, that's all. Someone I know, with whom I'll probably lose touch.
It was nice to think I had a chance to make a friend, but that's how it is.
I left my phone on my nightstand and went into the dark in my room after turning off my lamp. I lay down on my side, pulling the covers over my bed, and hugged one of the cushions near me.
It'll probably be the same with Otsuki. Whether I go to class or not, I doubt she'll even approach me. I bet we'll only talk two more times. Once when I go back to class, and once when I have to apologize to Tsukiyomi and Hina. That's it.
It's already unusual for a girl to hang out with a boy when she's already part of a group of friends. Now imagine that this boy slapped her. You'd think she'd never want to talk to him again.
It would be dangerous, too. I don't know how people would react to seeing me with her; they'd think I was manipulating her. And if not, they'd attack her. They'd give her dirty looks, talk behind her back, all because she's hanging out with someone like me.
I was afraid of what might happen the moment I walked into school. I was afraid of finding my locker covered in mud, or gum, anything. I worried about finding my desk scribbled all over with messages and drawings. I didn't want my bag or shoes to be stolen and hidden somewhere in the building.
And more than anything, I wanted to stop them from talking behind my back, and from me hearing them. Let them say whatever they want when I'm not around, I just don't want them to look at me, don't talk to me, when I am.
And, I'm sure those bastards would notice me walking around with a girl. Or, well, they've probably already found out what I did to Otsuki. I don't think they'd care much, but I'd prefer to distance myself from them as much as possible.
It sounded like a bad joke, but I just had to sit in front of that jerk in class. I'd have to get there early if I didn't want to confront him before I even sat down. I wasn't thrilled about getting up at the same time as the last time I went to class, but it was that or ruin my life some other way.
Avoiding those three was probably the main reason I skipped class. No matter how hard I tried to avoid thinking about them, they were always in the back of my mind. It's the reason I had friends and no longer have any.
"Because you are my friend."
I gripped the cushion tighter.
You're not my friend. You're just an acquaintance. Nothing more.