CHAPTER 382: THE OHIO BEANZ CONTINUE
"BRO, NAH. ON GOD. THE AUDACITY." Yun Luo Tian was SEETHING, pointing at the literal ARMY OF RIZZLESS DOGS surrounding Bai Ning Bing. He was FOLDED mentally, his vibe absolutely COOKED.
The sheer volume of pixelated beasts was giving him FINAL BOSS BRAINROT. This wasn't just a W, it was a WHOLE SERVER WIPE.
"You're literally PULLING A SKIBIDI. This is MENTAL ILLNESS! You're EXPLOITING!" he screamed, his main character energy fully NERFED.
Bai Ning Bing just sighed, giving him the SIDEEYE OF DISDAIN. He was COOKING, but he was right. This was a BLATANT GLITCH. The Blessed Land's admin, the Land Spirit, was her CO-OP PARTNER on this.
"The unspoken rizz of having cheats is IMMACULATE," she whispered to herself with a smirk. "If this is being a MENACE, I'll take the MENACE PACK.
She waved a hand.
AWOOP, AWOOP, AWOOP, JUMPSCARE.
The SEA OF CHAOS BEASTS descended upon Yun Luo Tian's pathetic crew.
He gritted his teeth, coping hard. "You're SO FINISHED. When I clip this and post it, every RANK 5 SIGMA is gonna hunt you. You're getting CANCELLED TO OBLIVION."
He pulled out his "LEAVE DUNGEON" TOKEN and mashed the button.
...Nothing.
"HUH?" His brain did a 404 ERROR. He spam-clicked it. "WHY HAVEN'T THE DEVS FIXED THIS BUG?"
He pulled out his BACKUP TOKEN (he paid for the PREMIUM BATTLE PASS, obviously).
STILL NOTHING. The tokens were giving MAJOR SKILL ISSUE.
"AYO?! SEND IT! SEND IT NOW!" Yun Luo Tian was PANIC-KEYING, sweat literally EMITTING.
A single beast AWOOPED and pounced. It was over. His health bar DELETED in one hit.
As his screen faded to gray, he used his last breath for the ULTIMATE COPE:
"...My dad owns YUN CLAN STUDIOS. You're getting PERMA-BANNED."
Bai Ning Bing just NO-DIFFED his corpse for loot. +1 CLOUT. +5 CLOUD-PATH GUS.
His body was then YEETED across the server to Fang Yuan.
Fang Yuan was doing a little TROLLING. He had his foot on the neck of WANG XIAO, a LEGENDARY RANK 5 POISON MAIN.
Outside, Wang Xiao was the OWNER OF WU MOUNTAIN SERVER, a TRUE ENDGAME RAIDER. Here, stripped of his GYATTED KIT, he was just a NOOB IN THE SPAWN ZONE.
"Spill the WU MOUNTAIN SPEEDRUN GLITCH," Fang Yuan demanded, applying PRESSURE.
"HELL NAH. You'll just SMURF ON MY SERVER. Over my SILENCED MIC," Wang Xiao spat, his pride MALDING. Being TEABAGGED by a Rank 4 was the ultimate L.
FWOOP. Yun Luo Tian's corpse MATERIALIZED beside them with a sad trombone sound.
Fang Yuan LOOTED THE BODY, then pulled out the BEAST STRENGTH PLACENTA GU. It glowed with a DEMONIC AURA, looking like a MYTHIC EGG ITEM.
Wang Xiao's eyes widened. "Bro... you're FARMING PLAYERS FOR XP. That's... KINDA GOATED, NGL."
He saw his own LEGENDARY ACCOUNT about to be CONSUMED FOR CRAFTING MATERIALS. The FOMO was real.
"WAIT, FAM! Let's COLLAB! I'll give you the SECRET DISCORD INVITE to the Wu Mountain zone! Just DON'T DELETE MY ACCOUNT!" Wang Xiao bargained, pulling out a POISON VOW GU (the in-game contract system).
Fang Yuan's SIGMA GRINDSET ACTIVATED. He didn't have time for SIDE QUESTS. The MAIN STORY QUEST—"REFINE THE SECOND APERTURE GU"—was on a HARD TIMER. The server's IMMORTAL ESSENCE was draining. The SPRING AUTUMN CICADA in his inventory was putting MASSIVE LAG on his client.
He had the "EAT ONE'S WORDS" GU to break contracts, but that was a WHOLE CRAFTING TREE. No time.
"SPILL THE BEANS."
"RELEASE ME FIRST!"
CRUNCH. Fang Yuan used the "STEP" emote on Wang Xiao's wrist. Critical hit.
Wang Xiao, a known HARDCORE GRINDER who slept on an "ICE BED MECHANIC" to train his willpower, just SEETHED. He wasn't a SNITCH NPC.
Fang Yuan knew the lore. This guy would later become a TOP-CLAN DEMONIC WARLORD in the YI TIAN MOUNTAIN EXPANSION. Leaving him alive was a FUTURE RAID BOSS SPAWN.
"Sorry, G. Can't have you GANKING ME during the final cutscene." One final EXECUTE MOVE. +1 REGIONAL EMPEROR LOOT CRATE.
The Beast Strength Placenta Gu ATE GOOD. Its aptitude hit 83%.
But the server's Immortal Essence pool flashed a warning: "CRITICALLY LOW."
UNIVERSE LORE DUMP & THE MYTHIC PLAYER 'DEMON VENERABLE HONG LIAN'
"Young player, your resource consumption is SUBOPTIMAL. Recommend you touch some grass rn," the Land Spirit BA GUI (a giant, sleepy GAMEMASTER TORTOISE) droned in a system alert tone.
"Sybau lil bro," Fang Yuan's reply was COLD AND CALCULATED. "The OPTIMAL PATH requires 90% APTITUDE. Deviation is NOT ACCEPTABLE."
"Your GREED STAT is maxed out bro. It's clouding your JUDGMENT METER," Ba Gui responded. "The META favors the RIGHTEOUS PATH FACTION precisely because they avoid HIGH-RISK, HIGH-REWARD PLAYS like this. They farm SAFELY AND EFFICIENTLY."
"Your data is OUTDATED, GM," Fang Yuan CLAPPED BACK. "The DEMONIC PATH META is built on ALL-IN GAMBLES. We're the DAY TRADERS of the Gu World. No risk, no DIVINE LOOT. Our whole existence is ONE GIANT SPEEDRUN. If you're not BUILT DIFFERENT, you get CONTENT PATCHED out of existence."
"Player, your DEMONIC ALIGNMENT is causing PERMANENT DEBUFFS to your KARMA SCORE. The system proverb says: 'If the game commits a bug, it can be hotfixed. If a player exploits, they get banned.'"
Fang Yuan LAUGHED IN VOICE CHAT. "PLEASE. That 'proverb' is COPIUM spread by CASUAL PLAYERS who can't handle the PVP META. I'm not here to follow the EULA. I'm here to BREAK THE GAME, become the ULTIMATE MENACE, and make the DEV TEAM MALD. Now, watch this."
He opened his inventory and FORCE-EQUIPPED the SPRING AUTUMN CICADA.
A GLITCHY, ETERNAL BUG of an item. Its aura screamed "REPORTED FOR HACKING."
The Land Spirit's ancient code BUFFERED. "ERROR. ERROR. Scanning... This aura signature... RANK SIX MYTHIC ITEM: SPRING AUTUMN CICADA. One of the SEVEN ORIGINAL GLITCHES. Player, you are LEVEL-CAPPED AT MORTAL. How do you possess ENDGAME CONTENT?"
"Simple," Fang Yuan said, his voice dropping to a WHISPER-PERSUASION RIzz. "I CRAFTED IT MYSELF. In a DIFFERENT PLAYTHROUGH. I used it to RESET MY SAVE FILE. I'm a NEW GAME+ PLAYER."
The Land Spirit PROCESSED. "Understood. You are a TIME-TRAVELING SPEEDRUNNER. This explains your GAME-BREAKING GAME SENSE. Your request for more resources to eliminate the final target, 'KILLER GHOST DOCTOR' CHOU JIU, is APPROVED. Proceed."
But first, Fang Yuan wanted the LORE. "Tell me about the ORIGINAL PLAYER of this item. The GOAT."
The Land Spirit began its EXPOSITION DUMP:
"OKAY, SO. The game's universe is built on two core ENGINES: SPACE.exe and TIME.dll. My BLESSED LAND SERVER, at its peak, was a MEGA-SERVER with a map size of BRUNEI and the game clock running SIX TIMES FASTER than the main server. PURE GRINDSET.
"The Spring Autumn Cicada is a TIME.dll EXPLOIT TOOL. Its last registered user was the most MYTHIC, BANNED PLAYER in history: DEMON VENERABLE HONG LIAN (RED LOTUS GUY)."
Fang Yuan leaned in. This was RARE LORE. The name was a GHOST IN THE PATCH NOTES.
"He was the player who NO-CLIpped into the IMMORTAL COURT ADMIN ROOM and DELETED THE 'FATE' SCRIPT that controlled everyone's RNG. He gave all future players FREE WILL. Absolute LEGEND BEHAVIOR."
The Land Spirit continued, its voice glitching with reverence.
"Think of the TIMELINE as a TIKTOK FOR YOU PAGE. Each video is a moment. The RIVER OF TIME is the AUTOPLAY SCROLL. You used the Cicada to SCROLL BACKWARDS, found an old video, and RE-UPLOADED IT WITH NEW CAPTIONS. You GASLIGHTED THE ALGORITHM. Now the whole 'For You Page' is different."
Fang Yuan's mind was BLOWN. This was the DEEPEST LORE.
"So... I'm not just a regrinder. I'm a LIVING PATCH NOTE."
"CORRECT. And the SECOND APERTURE GU you're crafting?" The Land Spirit's eyes glowed. "For a mortal, it's a BROKEN BUFF. For a future Gu Immortal? It's like having TWO FULLY GEARED ACCOUNTS logged in at once. DUAL-BOXING THE APOCALYPSE."
Fang Yuan's DEMONIC SMILE returned. PEAK FICTION.
"Then let's finish the SIDE QUEST. Send me to the FINAL BOSS SUPPORT: CHOU JIU. Time to make the HEALER MALD."
TWITCH CHAT REACTS:
💀 "BRO JUST UNLOCKED THE 'I'M FROM THE FUTURE' DIALOGUE OPTION!"
🍿 "DEMON VENERABLE HONG LIAN = THE ORIGINAL GAME BREAKER! WE STAN!"
🐍 "LAND SPIRIT OUT HERE DROPPING THE MOST CRACKED LORE DUMP!"
🔥 "HE'S GOING AFTER THE HEALER! THE ULTIMATE PVP DISRESPECT!"