G MANG WAS CAUGHT off guard. He had no time to get his bearings and tumbled fecklessly into the deep end of the spring. Only after he had gulped down many mouthfuls of water did Mo Xi yank him back up and shove him against the side of the pool.
Mo Xi reached over to pull the ribbon off his head. For some reason, this triggered a desperate panic in Gu Mang's heart. He began to thrash violently. The ceremonial robes he was wearing were already completely soaked. Pinned beneath Mo Xi, he seemed like a trapped animal, or a dying fish.
"No...don't...don't..."
In the depths of his memories, there had once been someone who had furiously and hatefully wanted to take this from him, but Gu Mang couldn't remember who. He couldn't even tell if this was something he'd imagined or if it had truly happened. He only knew that his heart ached. He only knew dimly that this silk ribbon was his... He deserved it... He wanted it, he longed for it, but he could only look at it from afar...
"Give it back."
"No...I won't!"
The two of them began to tussle furiously right there in the hot spring. The churning waters scattered the moon's reflection.
In his agitation, Gu Mang sank his teeth into Mo X1's hand. Because Gu Mang's core had been broken, he no longer possessed any spiritual energy. His body was covered in scars, and his strength was nothing like it used to be. He was no match for Mo X1, who painstakingly maintained himself. These days, Gu Mang-gege could never match his Mo-shidi in a fight. He had to resort to this ridiculous and bestial course of action to defend what he yearned for, a yearning that would go unanswered in life and in death.
Mo Xi was incensed beyond endurance. He could bear Gu Mang stabbing him and betraying him. But taking this ribbon violated the strictest taboo in his heart—this was the ribbon that had once belonged to his father. His papa had died at the hands of the Liao Kingdom's cavalry as he evacuated citizens of Chonghua from their city. This ribbon was the last thing he had left for Mo Xi. How dare Gu Mang touch it.
His heart roared with towering flames. Gu Mang's bite had been vicious; the back of his hand was bleeding freely, but Mo Xi didn't feel the slightest twinge of pain. The blood on his hands matched his eyes, bloodshot with rage... Heeding nothing, he tore his hand from between Gu Mang's teeth and seized the ribbon, then soundly slapped Gu Mang across the face.
The strike landed crisply, both heavy and cruel, as if he intended to pay back seven years of hatred in this one blow. Mo Xi's own hand stung painfully afterward, and the tips of his fingers trembled with his turbulently fluctuating emotions. There was hatred in his gaze, but as the mist rose, his eyes were wet.
Mo Xi swallowed. He tried to master himself enough to speak, but when his lips moved, no sound came out. Only after he closed his eyes for a long interval did he manage any words. "Gu Mang," he rasped, his voice terribly hoarse. "Don't you know how dirty you are?"
Gu Mang turned his face away, his ears ringing from the slap. He said nothing. His cheek was swollen, his lips still bloody from biting Mo Xi. In truth, he couldn't really understand what Mo Xi was saying. It was just that his heart seemed to hurt very badly.
It was as if he had lived in constant fear of hearing those words from the man before him, from years and years ago. Don't you know how dirty you are? Don't you know your place?
How could you ever be good enough?
It was as if, all this time, he had been readying himself for Mo Xi to say this to him. Even with his memories stripped away, his instinctive defensiveness, and the stab of pain that came with it, still remained.
Mo Xi exhaled and released him. "Get out," he said in a low voice. "I don't want to see you again."
The ribbon had been torn off, leaving a pathetic mark on Gu Mang's forehead. He moved his lips and tried his best to speak, but he couldn't say anything in the end. He only glanced silently at Mo Xi, the rims of his eyes red, then clambered out of the hot spring in pitiable exhaustion.
No, he could never defeat him... He could never defeat anyone. Rarely did he want anything, but when he did, this was what he got. Before he left the hot-spring courtyard, Gu Mang turned one last time to look at Mo Xi, who was still holding the ribbon in his hand. "I'm...sorry,'" he murmured. "But..."
But I really felt like that was something important to me. I really did...
Mo Xi still hadn't turned around. "Get the hell out," he barked.
Gu Mang knew he couldn't say more. He bit his bloodied lip, lowered his head, and slowly walked out of thecourtyard.
When Li Wei saw Gu Mang appear in the hall, he was shocked speechless. Housekeeper Li couldn't be blamed; he truly had no idea what could have taken place for Gu Mang to be plodding through the cold winter night in a set of soaking wet ceremonial robes.
Like a wandering ghost. Like a demon trapped in the world of the living.
"Gu Mang... Hey! Gu Mang!" Li Wei called.
Gu Mang only paused for a moment. Then he continued to walk toward his little hidey-hole den, head hanging low.
Li Wei hurried over and pulled him to a stop. "What did you do? Why are you wearing the lord's ceremonial robes? Don't you know how important these are? Don't you know..."
"I...know." Gu Mang spoke at last. His mind wasn't good anymore. As soon as he got sad, he couldn't keep his words straight and found it impossible to get his point across. He tried valiantly to express himself, but he could only wring out short and stiff sentences, clumsy and pathetic. "I can...understand. I tried to...understand..."
In the frigid winter night, the wet robes stuck to his skin, each gust of wind chilling him to the bone. Who knew how long he had been trudging around barefoot; when he looked up at Li Wei, his lips were pale and trembling.
"I...also want to understand... I also want to remember... But I can't..." Gu Mang clutched his head in agony. "I don't know what...I did wrong... I keep doing things wrong... I'm always doing things wrong... That's why...all of you treat me like this..."
Li Wei was stupefied. What—what had happened... Why did he have such a glaring red mark on his face, why was there blood in his mouth, why was he talking like this...
Li Wei flinched and blurted, "You didn't go to the hot spring in the rear courtyard because I told you to bathe, did you?"
Gu Mang said nothing, his lips pressed tightly together.
"Are you crazy?! That's where the lord bathes! He's a clean freak, didn't I tell you already? Don't you know what status you have? Don't you know how—"
It seemed as if Gu Mang was terrified of hearing those words come out of yet another person's mouth. He shuddered violently and grabbed Li Wei's hand, stopping him mid-sentence. Trembling, Gu Mang tried his best to keep his face impassive, like a vanquished wolf trying to regain his dignity as he lay in a pool of his own blood. But as he blinked his blue eyes, they glimmered with a tearful light. He said in an unsteady voice, "Yes...I know. I'm dirty. I won't do it again. But..." His expression was hesitant, his lashes quivering. He suddenly choked up.
He didn't even know why he was so upset. Gu Mang crouched, curling up into a tiny, pathetic ball. So many years had passed—he'd won, he'd lost, he'd been devoted, he'd been disloyal—but still, nothing could change the bone-deep lowliness in him. Just like before, he still had nothing, other than a body covered in scars and a long list of crimes. Just like before, he couldn't even touch the ribbon that represented the bloodline of heroes without being punished in the most painful way.
He buried himself in the dust, hanging his neck so low it seemed it had collapsed under some heavy thing he'd forgotten entirely.
"You don't get it... None of you do..." His voice caught tearfully in his throat. "It should've been mine... It should've been..."
Li Wei was completely at a loss. Although he could be foolish and was a gossipy blabbermouth, he'd always been a friendly person at heart. He held no grudges against Gu Mang, so the sight of this distraught man sobbing in front of him left him speechless. After a stretch of uneasy silence, he couldn't keep but ask, "What should've been yours?"
Oh, but Gu Mang couldn't explain it either. What that ribbon meant, what it symbolized, represented—he couldn't remember any of it. He understood that it belonged to Mo Xi, but he didn't know why he would feel such agonizing pain.
"What exactly should've been yours?" Li Wei asked in exasperation. "Everything in Xihe Manor belongs to the lord. Even me and you—we all belong to the lord. What can we have?" Sighing, he patted Gu Mang's shoulder. "Quick—get up and take off these clothes. If anyone else sees you wearing the ceremonial robes of the highest-ranked nobles, I'm afraid all of Xihe Manor would suffer alongside you."
Gu Mang returned to his den of old furniture and shabby blankets. He felt no attachment to those sodden clothes and peeled them off as soon as he entered. After changing back into his only wrinkled cotton robe, he gave the ceremonial uniform back to Li Wei.
Li Wei had initially wanted to say more to Gu Mang, but when he took the robes and saw the state Gu Mang was in, all he could do was sigh and turn to leave. He muttered to himself as he walked away, "Thank goodness there're two sets of ceremonial robes...we'd be in big trouble otherwise..."
As Gu Mang sat down in the dim little dwelling, Fandou awoke. The big black dog nuzzled up to him, as if he could smell his companion's heartbreak. He nudged Gu Mang with his warm head and whined as he licked his cheek.
Gu Mang hugged the dog and whispered, "You don't think I'm dirty. Right?"
Fandou wagged his tail and put a paw on Gu Mang's leg.
In the dark, Gu Mang's eyes remained open. For the first time in his current awareness, he felt dissatisfied and hurt, but he didn't know how to interpret these two feelings. They made him very uncomfortable, as if he were sick, the pain worse than being whipped in punishment.
Gu Mang closed his eyes and patted Fandou on the head. In a small voice, he said, "Fandou, I don't think you're dirty either."
Fandou barked in reply.
"Here, the two of us...have food to eat." Gu Mang nuzzled Fandou's damp little nose. "So I can bear it. Even if it hurts a little. It's fine."
Fandou barked again.
Gu Mang pressed a hand to his chest and whimpered, "It's fine. It only hurts a little, I can handle it...I can..."
It won't hurt anymore once I'm used to it.
If I endure it, it'll pass...all of this will pass.
Early the next morning, Mo Xi pushed open the door of his bedroom and stepped out, already clad in his lavish ceremonial robes.
The residents of the manor looked forward to this day each year because Xihe-jun looked particularly gallant in this uniform. But this time, when he arrived at the hall, the servants waiting there were shocked. Xihe- jun clearly hadn't slept a wink. His complexion was awful, and there were dark smudges beneath his eyes.
He took a seat at the table, where Li Wei had already arranged the food. As usual, it was simple: two bamboo steamers of soup dumplings, one earthenware pot of fish porridge, a plate of sweet and sour crispy fish, pickled white radish, fiddleheads tossed in sesame oil, silken tofu, and a saucer of various desserts.
Mo Xi sat at the table and didn't touch his chopsticks.
"My lord?" asked Li Wei carefully.
Mo Xi glanced at the empty seat across from him and said nothing. After a while, he ladled himself a bowl of porridge and began to eat in silence.
The water clock placed on the side table dripped away. Mo Xi took only a few bites before he stopped altogether, as though his appetite wasn't very good. He looked up at Li Wei. "It's almost time. We need to head to the city's eastern gate to prepare for departure. Get..." He paused, then continued stiffly, "Get him out, and have him accompany Xihe Manor's ceremonial team. I'll be leaving now."
Li Wei acquiesced. Gu Mang must have done something to anger the lord last night—indeed, he must have infuriated him, Li Wei thought. The lord had initially intended to give Gu Mang the role of personal guard so he could keep a close eye on him at all times. But now, it seemed as if Mo Xi no longer cared, and he didn't want to see Gu Mang around. He had carelessly tossed him into the ceremonial team, as if nothing mattered so long as Gu Mang didn't get into trouble under his nose.
Was venturing into a hot spring enough to provoke such fury?
Li Wei felt a little nervous, but he didn't dare entertain any further conjecture. He was a smart man and knew very clearly that some matters were worse to know about than not. Curiosity was by no means the most difficult thing to endure. That honor belonged to secret-keeping. Thus, Li Wei clung to his ignorance and shoved his fanciful thoughts to the back of his head. He went to the rear courtyard to fetch Gu Mang from his den as instructed.
Gu Mang took no issue with the new arrangements. His broken mind had a silver lining—after a night's sleep, he'd calmed down a great deal. When Li Wei told him to go with the ceremonial weaponry team, he did so without objection.
But Li Wei still had his misgivings. After he brought Gu Mang to the team, he gave the captain some instructions, as well as a cloth bag containing a jar of medicine. "This is a pacifying medicine prescribed by Medicine Master Jiang. I reckon the lord will see that he drinks it, but there's a chance that he might not," Li Wei warned. "Anyway, you need to take care of it. If Gu Mang doesn't want to drink it, you must force him to. This is a very serious matter."
The captain agreed and accepted the jar.
Thus their journey began.