I peered down the barrel of the double-gauge shotgun. Just a toy. Here that is.
I twirled it slowly a few times, until the barrel once again rested on me.
What would I feel on the other end of that thing?
…
Kamoshida was scum. I understood the argument, the world probably would be a better place without him. But that didn't really mean I got to make that choice. Was I given this power for that reason? To just go around executing justice however I pleased?
If that was the reason; why wouldn't whoever gave us this app give the strength of a persona to Ayanokouji instead? He already had the plans and methods, but he didn't have the power. Well according to him, that is…
If he had it his way, Kamoshida would probably have been taken care of. But me? I'm in this weird state of limbo. Too far forward and I find myself on the same path as him, too far back and nothing changes.
Is this just the way things have to be? Is there really no other way to get rid of him?
…I don't know. That's what's bugging me! I don't have the ideas, I can't make a plan to expose him. I can't take him out like Ayanokouji suggested. But it's eating at me.
Ayanokouji isn't even trying to hide it anymore, he's keeping things from me. More and more, it feels like that distance between us has increased. He's using me. But I'm using him as well. He knows it.
Am I being unnecessarily stubborn?
I don't know!
"Fuck!" I chucked the gun towards my bed, my hand slamming against the desk.
"Keep it down, Ryuji!" The walls were thin, so reprimands were quick enough to come back.
"…My bad." Not the time now, Mum.
Thanks to my suspension this was probably the most I had seen my Mum in months, usually she's just too busy with work otherwise. Of course, thanks to Ayanokouji and the rest of that school, it isn't like she's happy to see me. Rather than talking like a normal family, my first conversation was a one-sided lecture about how I'm ruining my future. Or maybe that was what a normal family did as well? Who knows at this point. It just feels like every last thing I do goes wrong.
…
It isn't like I don't want to do better for her. But…
Isn't sticking up for your friends and trying to stop evil people getting away with their bullshit the good thing to do?
Doesn't matter how I explain it…
They just don't see it.
I mean what's the alternative; just pretend these problems don't exist? Avert my gaze every time something bad happens so long as it doesn't happen to me?
Fuck that.
I actively despise that. Abandoning problems whether they're mine or not simply because they might be more trouble than they're worth. Not doing it.
But I couldn't solve them like he did, either. It meant sacrificing the same thing you wanted to protect. How could I say I was in the right when I just killed whoever I thought was wrong?
I needed another route.
'Your hesitancy might hurt the people you want to protect.'
There were right and wrong ways to do things. The ends don't always justify the means.
Is that the right answer?
I hope so…
Because if even more victims come from this choice, I don't think I'll be able to justify this to myself anymore.
What good are morals if they just cause more and more innocent people to suffer?
[Phantom Opera: White Soliloquy]
"Nice kill, Ayanokouji!" The sound of a volleyball smacking against the cold wooden floor resounded throughout the sports hall. The person in question landed comfortably after a rapid leap and spike. His visage barely burdened by the athleticism expected of him.
It had only been a few weeks since Ayanokouji had joined the volleyball club. He was settling in rather well; despite his obviously stunted social skills he was rather polite and well-spoken. Not to mention a prodigy at the sport, which certainly helped when considering his standoffish demeanour. It meant most of the club got along somewhat well with him at practice, the only exception being those that seen him as competition, those that were jealous of him. Or those that still found him difficult to speak to. So actually quite a few… but it's not all bad! For him, I mean.
Ayanokouji's sudden transferral to the team came as a surprise to all of us. I mean it did make sense from a strictly logical point of view; he was incredibly athletic and skilled at the sport with little practice. However, this club wasn't a logical place. It didn't have a logical coach. It was a façade.
Since Ayanokouji had arrived, I had been dissolved of my usual… 'duties'. Instead, my time has been peaceful, it was the most I've seen the members of this club smile in… Well, ever.
Alas, silence is just the precursor to chaos, eventually the surroundings will become that hellish atmosphere once more. It was just a matter of time, wasn't it? But… What if it wasn't? What if things actually stayed like this? If it was just a normal club… He was just a normal… coach.
My fantasies were short lived as the nightmare that was my reality crept in once more.
"Good work everyone! Excellent work! I think now is a good time to finish things up. Start packing the things away." The false smile plastered over his face as he continued to watch over each and every student as if protecting his precious cattle.
Crouching down to grab the cones used for agility drills, I'm surprised when another hand reaches next to my own. "A-Ayanokouji?!" His placid face looks in my direction giving a hint of recognition.
"You looked out of it, everything okay?" Those monotonous words escaped from the iron maiden that was his face. If it were anyone else, I'd think they didn't care about the answer from my mouth. With Ayanokouji-kun I was still unsure, he didn't seem to visually care about anything. Yet, he was definitely listening when we talked. He recalled information like it was nothing, it made me feel grateful that I had a friend who would pay attention like that. Even if the nature of the problems I shared were incredibly mundane, sometimes outright stupid.
"Yeah. Thanks, I'm probably just tired. Did you end up trying that book I talked to you about?" I had recommended him some light reading a few days ago. I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't had the time to go through it yet, what with his busy schedule.
"It was good. Manga isn't something I'm particularly familiar with, so it was a nice change of pace." I guess he has more time than I thought. Or was he just taking the recommendation seriously? That was a very Ayanokouji thing to do. Like a robot without an off switch. It was as if retaining relationships was a job to him as well. I liked his assertive attitude when it came to friendship, but in some ways, it made it feel more transactional which was odd. Ayanokouji-kun was full of oddities though, so it's nothing new.
"You do look more like the classical literature type. But I'm glad you enjoyed it!" A natural smile graced my features as we continued to talk. Both of us grabbing more of the equipment as we approached the end of our cleaning duties.
"Suzui-san." Looking behind me I could see him approaching. A small smile on his face, understanding that we both knew what was going to come next. I barely prevented myself from shivering upon his arrival.
"…Yes, Kamoshida-sensei?"
"I need to talk to you about your role on the team going forward. Your performance has been increasing as of late. Meet me in my office when you've finished up here." The façade I knew well. Whether it was true or not made no difference, the immediate disgust I felt nearly manifested as bile in my throat. I couldn't show such a miserable sight in front of my friend. Suppressing the shudder that was threatening to travel down my spine, I replied.
"…Understood." I knew what was coming. The lack of contact from Ann. The lack of… 'punishment' in club. He was planning on doing it now. He had relented for a mere few weeks from imprinting suffering on us, but now it was finally back to… normal.
"Are you sure everything is okay, Suzui?" I struggled to keep my neck from shrinking, looking towards his steady gaze, my lips parsed the slightest inch…
Please help.
Just a few words, that's all I have to say. Maybe Ayanokouji-kun could do it! He gave the bastard a scare in the practice match, now he's eased up on training, it must be because he's here... Just ask. Even if he can't do anything, it'll all be over after that either way. What's the harm in it?
…
My lips morphing into a grin, I faced the bitter music. "Everything's fine. Sorry to worry you, Ayanokouji! I need to start getting more sleep." I can't do it. I can tell the smile I mustered, couldn't manage to reach my eyes. I could only hope this much would placate him. Or was I hoping he would notice? I can't tell which would hurt more… him knowing or not. It was ripping me apart.
"Staying up too late reading, maybe?" His voice led to genuine concern. The bags under my eyes were more apparent a few days ago, but they nonetheless persisted. Even with the use of some foundation to cover it, they were noticeable.
"…Y-Yeah. From time to time." In truth I was finally beginning to sleep a bit better these past few weeks, but something shook me the past few days. It was only a matter of time. The stress from club 'activities' was gone for a time. I can thank Ayanokouji for that…
But it'd be too much to ask him to shoulder this burden too…
In the end I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't ask him to save me. To put himself in danger to try and protect me. As helpless as I may be, I refuse to get more people hurt in this. Ann, Ayanokouji. I would do my best to protect this meagre amount at the very least. Ryuji… It was already too late; his place was taken. The monster had already destroyed his club, his reputation, even his leg. My only goal is to prevent that from happening to those two.
Grabbing the last few straggling pieces of equipment we finally lock the storage room and return to the changing rooms. My feet dragging themselves towards the last bastion of peace. The last few minutes I had to keep the fragile purity I had tragically managed to salvage.
My feet eventually stopped dead still as we neared the doors to the different changing rooms.
"Suzui?" Sensing that I had stopped, Ayanokouji followed suit. His gaze quietly boring into my own.
Please. Please. Stop him. Please. Save me. Ayanokouji-kun, please. I don't want to do this. Please. Help me. Stop him. Please. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I DON'T!
I'D RATHER DIE!!!
…
A smile gradually appeared on my face. This time it reached all the way to my eyes. I drew closer in a moment, sensing a bit of surprise from him. I enveloped my arms around his frame, the fact that we had just been exercising not bothering me in this moment, just the heat of another person, a friend, an ally lingering on my own body, a resilient heat that I wanted to warm me throughout the next empty moments.
"Thanks… for worrying about me. You're a good friend, Ayanokouji."
"…No problem. Are you sure you're alright?" Almost in a daze he took a moment to reply, unsure of where to place his hands, he stood somewhat fidgety, until finally placing one hand on the large of my back and the other at the back of head. Almost cradling me. The faint thrumming of his rhythmic heartbeat slowly calming me.
"Yeah…" A sharp heat enveloped my eyes, if he asked again, I might just break. I wiped it aside, wearing what I hoped was a charming grin and attempting to brush aside the strange mood.
"Ha, what's up with me getting all emotional?! See ya, Ayanokouji! Make sure you give me some recommendations next time!" I said as I prepared to rush into the changing rooms. Noticing the slightly wavering gaze that remained on me for just a moment, before I dashed off preparing to combat the constant waves of displeasure I'd feel for the rest of my life.
I entered the changing room as if breaching the atmosphere. Slamming the door, relieved that I was the only person present. Attempting to pry open the buttons of the t-shirt to change. My fingers… they just won't do it. The constant trembling making it impossible to even undo a single button… My knees collapsed under my body; I lay on the floor. The cold damp floor for what felt like an eternity. The encompassing chill warmer than any heat I'd ever feel from him.
A stinging sensation embraced my eyes. Tears had begun to well up, bursting from the proverbial dam. Sobs that I hadn't even registered as my own voice echoed through the quiet room. I remained like that, motionless for minutes… was it hours? I couldn't even ruminate the time.
My body naturally got up as if in a trance and begun to get ready. Washing my face, to hide the trace of tears. Replacing my gym uniform with that of the usual school apparel. Robotically my body made its way to his domain, without any input from my conscious self.
Opening the door revealed the object of all of my resentment, all of my hatred. Yet my body just felt cold. It had given up. It was useless. He would get what he wanted, as he always did. No recompense. He'd move onto student after student until there was nobody left. Except the school gets… fresh meat every year. It was a cycle of the same misery and despair that would continue forever…
Why am I even alive?
"…You asked for me, Kamoshida-sensei."
I could feel his eyes resting on me, my vision filled with the hardwood floor, I didn't want to look at him not for even a moment. All in vain.
"Indeed, I did. So, what are you going to do?" His voice sounded disinterested for the moment, as if talking about breakfast or some other equally mundane subject. His finger tapped on the desk rhythmically, roughly. Each like the ticking of a clock telling me my time was up.
I didn't want to show defeat. I had held strong so far. But this was my last stand.
Every single moment waned my resistance. Ryuji was an example of the lengths he would go to, to destroy anyone in his way, anyone that didn't give him what he wanted. The same would happen to Ann, to Ayanokouji, or to anyone else for that matter.
Maybe I could at least take pride in the fact that I didn't give him the satisfaction of watching my despair until now. That I held out until the last possible moment.
Damnit…
Just when things were getting better…
"…Ngh." Small sobs and sniffles leak from my mouth.
"No need for all that. Just get on with it already." His face shifting slightly to an incredulous scowl.
My clothes fell to the floor, one article at a time, with little resistance. The cold seeped from the sterile room into my skin all too easily, through the last defences I held close to my body.
"I'm amazed every time I see it. You really are growing remarkably, no doubt thanks to my instructions." His tone was cordial as if this was just a joke to him.
"…Fuck you." I muttered under my breath.
"Oh, I intend to. But first, I'd watch that tone of yours. Never mind having your place on the team, I'll give that friend of yours a call if you want, she can take your place." He motioned towards the phone in his hand, as if to say, 'the choice is yours'.
I had no doubt that Ann was already having those troubles, even the other students had their own ideas of their relationship. I'll never let that happen. Even if it's my own body that gets defiled in her place.
I heard wheels roll and a sharp clack on the desk. Placing his phone on the table. Drawing closer and closer until his feet finally entered the edge of my vision, my clothes discarded in a pile around my feet.
Roughly he gripped my chin and forced me to look into his eyes.
"You act as if you dislike it, but are your nipples hard now? God, you're such a pervert. You're actually getting off on this, you clearly need correction. Don't worry I'll make sure to administer it." He whispered whilst looking at my chest, hand rubbing over his crotch for a brief moment. I could barely register the familiar sound of his cackles as he clawed at my breast.
Shame overwhelmed me. Remember this is what he does. Don't be affected. He bullies and embarrasses to make himself appear bigger. Don't be afraid.
Hardening whatever was left of my resolve, I looked into his eyes resisting the urge to avoid him. But he simply ignores my gaze, his own narrowing in on my bra. Until gradually tracing lower until they stopped at my panties. He played with the waistband of his own trousers as he stared. Tha jingling of the metallic buckle echoing loudly.
"I think it's about time that we take our relationship to the next level… don't you think, Shiho-chan?" His tone remained familiar, friendly even.
My heart stopped.
It was the last affirmation I needed.
That bad feeling that stuck with me for the last few days, it was a premonition.
Nothing ever truly gets better.
The world became dark, I wasn't sure of where I was or what I was doing anymore, the muffled voice of the monster echoing in my head as I stood in a daze. I didn't feel hot or cold. It didn't even feel as if I was there anymore… it was like… like I was watching a movie or something. Those out of body experiences people talk about, I had never understood it before, before now. I watched from a distance as this grown man groped at a girl in the centre of the room, spittle flying as he monologued at her with glee.
I wanted to tell her to hit, scream, yell, run from him. From the outside it felt like everything would be fixed with that. But it wasn't that simple. I was that girl. From both the inside and outside, I was trapped to watch this unfold.
His hands reaching towards the panties she was wearing, her body, stiff, rigid and unmoving. Fear had constricted her to that spot, helpless to any of his machinations. Just before he could grip the thin fabric an alarm blared in the background. Kamoshida looking towards the doorway, checking if anyone was watching.
"…Fucking, worthless shits. Get your clothes on. Don't think this is over. Not for a second. You'll get that ass back here same time tomorrow, that's where we'll pick up from." Without a second look back, he ran out the door, slamming it behind him.
She was alone in the room, still clad in only her underwear. Slowly reaching towards her clothing, attempting to get dressed normally. Attempting to go on…
Collapsing like a puppet cut loose, she crumpled down to the floor, quiet sobs echoing in the solemn room. For a minute that continued. Her body almost robotically grabbed her clothes and slowly dressed. To her there was no reason to hurry. Tears evident on her face as she turned towards the door, shutting the door delicately.
I watched that girl make her way home.
Despondent to the world around her.
All the way until the next day.
When she awoke to her empty house.
Took the train to school.
Walked up the stairwell to the rooftop.
And said her final words.
---
Word count: 3448
I have been wanting to get more towards this part of the story for a while now but wanted to build up towards the Shiho and Kamoshida confrontation. Hopefully it didn't feel like it came out of nowhere, there was foreshadowing with the last chapter, but maybe there should've been an intermission for better build-up. Dunno, I feel like the pace we have is getting somewhat decent now. I'm trying to strike a balance between action sequences, drama and character interactions that build on their chemistry.
Maybe I should've put a content warning, considering the story contents are somewhat morbid. Though, most research says it's better not to. Not really sure. It was always my intention to take things in this direction seeing as Ayanokouji is from a story that focuses on psychology and philosophy. I imagine this is what more readers are also more interested in seeing, though I could be wrong.
Just a note for those who might be worried, this story might edge on inappropriate moments and the like, but the actual act being depicted will never be included in the book. It's crude and honestly I feel like giving fewer details gets the mind working slightly more.
I'll go more into depth with what exactly the relation between Shiho and Kamoshida is. But I think from reading this and previous chapters, you probably have a decent grasp. I'll just say as evident from this chapter, though their interactions are of a sexual nature you can assume he hasn't actually assaulted her yet. This is why the chapter is such a sharp change for Shiho. Just clarifying in case, it was slightly confusing.
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Hopefully, you all enjoyed the chapter. Let me know your thoughts below.
Until next time.