The bell rang out through the building, signaling the end of the school day.
Some students scrambled for the door, overjoyed to be free of school for another day. Some were rolling their shoulders, excited to head outdoors for their club activities. Some stared at the walls, having made the painstaking choice to stay behind and catch up on homework. And one certain little princess was sitting listlessly at the desk next to mine.
I decided to say something. I was sure that's what my uncle would want. Even though I knew she would shut me down with that sharp tongue of hers, at least I could say I tried.
"Hey—"
"You're not my real boyfriend."
I got a whole five words! Six if you count "you're" as two (and I gotta
take what I can get here).
But wait. She said I wasn't her "real" boyfriend. Did that mean she
accepted me as her fake boyfriend?
"Wow! I know you get tsunderes all the time in anime and stuff, but she's
the first I've ever seen in real life!"
"Maybe she just doesn't like being all clingy in front of other people.
Aah! It's so nice to see that traditional Japanese shyness in a girl these days!" "They must be really close if she can act so cold towards him! More like
a married couple than just boyfriend and girlfriend!"
Apparently, the students who were still trickling out of the classroom felt
the need to make (completely inaccurate) comments. They needed their eyes tested, quite frankly. Anybody could see that Mashiro and I were a terrible match for each other. We could probably be at each other's throats (and I mean literally), and they would still smile and say how cute we were together.
Mashiro shrank back and began to fidget, her cheeks red. She must have
noticed everyone too.
"U-Um, p-please... please stop staring..."
She scrambled to gather her things as fast as she could, and there was
nothing I could do except watch as she scampered out of the classroom. The moment she was gone, I let out a sigh of relief.
I thought we'd get along better than this at least...
"She's not so bad," Ozu said, approaching me with a smile.
"Forget being her boyfriend, I need to make some progress in getting to be
her actual friend first. Otherwise, how am I s'posed to look out for her?" If only I was likeable, good-looking, and/or had the air of a protagonist
about me... You know, like Ozu.
Although, if he ended up going after Mashiro, things might not end up so
good either. If I got him to take over for me, and they actually fell in love, I think my uncle would explode. Not only would we lose out on our dream jobs, but I would be cut off and loathed by every last member of my extended family once the news got out.
"D'ya think there's any way I could get her to, y'know, at least be willing to talk to me?" I asked.
"Dunno... I mean, her opinion of you seems like it's not really gonna budge to me."
Easy for him to say. He's never met a girl who hates him in his life.
"I mean... I guess it's not such a big deal to me if she hates me," I said. Maybe not a big deal, but a painful one. I could probably manage if I had
to, but I didn't want to. And things would probably be easier on Mashiro if she lightened up a bit, too.
"Guess I'll worry about it later and just go home for now. Wanna come with me, Ozu?"
"Can't, sorry. The student council president wanted to see me."
"Oh, okay, Mr. Popular."
"It's not like that. She just wants me to do some chores for her. I'm way
too wimpy for her to fall for me."
"You? Wimpy? In elementary school, sure, but now?"
"Well, whatever, all I'm sayin' is I can't go home with you today. Sorry,
dude."
"It's cool. Catch you later."
He finally did it. He got on the elusive student council president's route.
"Sure. Can't wait to sort through those petitions she's got for me." And he was just as dense as ever about it.
I kept my sigh to myself as Ozu left the room with a quick wave in my
direction. Guess I was heading home alone today. No biggie. I'd just stroll home while checking how our game was doing on the app store.
I had just changed back into my outdoor shoes by the shoe racks, when... "Gah!"
"Guess who!"
Somebody slammed into me from behind. Why pretend I didn't know who
it was? There was only one person I knew who thought this sort of thing was socially acceptable.
"Oh, I know! It's the girl whose voice I hate to hear: Iroha!" I exclaimed.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear most of that!" Her laugh rang through the air. And when I say "rang," I mean like one of those horrendous church bells, not the little ones butlers use.
Her heat was almost overbearing as it clung to my back. Even though she wasn't wearing perfume, there was a sweet scent around her that made my pulse rise instinctively. I cleared my throat in an attempt to stay calm.
"What d'you want?" I asked. "Also, let go."
"You just looked so sad!" she said. "So I wanted to cheer up my super special awesome Senpai with a super special awesome hug!"
"I don't need any super special awesome hugs. Let go."
"Hmmm... Are you sure?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
I already knew she was up to something. Her lips curled, as though my
puzzled response was just what she was waiting for.
"Can't you feel them?" she whispered in my ear. "All soft and round and
jiggly against your back?!"
"It's just your boobs, right? I already... Wait..."
"Looks like you got it!"
Iroha instantly picked up on the slight stiffness in my expression. Her
voice became even more sing-songy as she continued to tease me.
Was she for real right now?
Since I'd never been introduced to the (consensual) touch of a woman, all
I had to go on were rumors.
I knew the ridiculously round sacks of flesh that you saw in anime weren't realistic, and that in real life, the stiff bra would just get in the way if you just so happened to touch a clothed woman's chest. The 3D world was often disappointing in this way.
What I meant was that covered boobs were rarely as soft as you'd expect (or hope, I daresay). The only exception was if the woman wasn't wearing a bra. Or anything at all.
"Guess what, Senpai! I forgot to put on a bra today! Also, also! My blouse is totally unbuttoned!"
"B-Bullshit. I'm not as gullible as you think, y'know! Why the hell would you unbutton your blouse in the middle of school anyway?" I managed to choke out, my dry voice quivering.
With her pressing against my back like she was, I had no way to turn around and verify her claims.
"My boobs got bigger, that's why! And my blouse just gets soooo tight! I just stretched a little and aaaall the buttons came flying off! Whoopsie!"
"N-No they didn't..."
"Yuh-huh! If you manage to get me off right now, you'll see 'em, too!" She sounded way too happy about this.
"This isn't funny!" I said.
"I'm being serious!" She giggled. "Oooh, I don't want anyone to see, so I
gotta hold onto you nice and tight!"
"Your acting could use some work."
This was all because she knew from my uncle's phone call that I'd be in
trouble if I had a girlfriend.
She still wasn't letting go, and it was really starting to piss me off. Also,
there was no way she was actually pressing her bare boobs against my back. Right? She was just kidding. I could shake her off no problem, and then only her lies would be bare for all to see.
Yup, she was definitely trying to fool me.
One hundred percent.
Unless...
Okay, so I wasn't going to fall for the part where she said all her buttons
sprang off. That was just ridiculous. But if her boobs really were out, and I pushed her away, what if some passing students saw them? Not that I cared, since it was her own fault, but... but she was my best friend's sister. If she got
caught up in some kind of scandal because of this, it'd affect him badly, too. Apart from anything else, I wanted her to stop clinging to me. If somebody
saw me with a half-naked girl on my back (who wasn't my supposed girlfriend), I would have a lot of explaining to do. And if my uncle found out, I was toast. I had to do something about this situation as quickly as I could.
"Haha! I gotcha now! But don't worry! I'll still let ya go if you ask nicely!" she crooned.
"You asked for this."
"Huh?"
"I'm doing this for both our sakes! And it's not as hard as you might
think!"
"H-Huh?! W-Wait, Wh— Eek!"
Leaning forward slightly, I slipped my arms behind her legs and held on
tight. I then stood up, putting as much force into my legs as I could. Iroha was lifted up on my back as she continued to cling to my neck.
I was now giving her a tried-and-true piggyback.
"H-Hey, Senpai, whaddya doin'? P-Put me down!"
"It's better than having your boobs out, right? Or was that just a lie?" Iroha didn't answer, but started to grumble in frustration. I could hear,
rather than see, the disgruntled look on her face.
"A-Are you really sure you wanna do this? Anyone who sees us'll think
we're a super icky couple."
"I don't care."
The next moment, Iroha was shrieking as I pelted out of the entrance hall
and made a dash for the closest clump of bushes. I marched on without even hesitating.
"Are you serious right now?! Quit being so normal about this!" Iroha snapped.
"I'm just taking the route where we're least likely to get spotted. I don't usually tell anyone about this route, so you should count yourself lucky."
"Huh?! Since when did you know about this route?!"
"I've always known. Have you forgotten how I try to live as efficiently as I can?"
I'd tested out all the routes I could find to get home, all in the name of efficiency. Familiarizing myself with all the routes I could take was just basic common sense. Every single way I could get from home to school, and
even all the way to the classroom, was imprinted in my brain.
The route we were taking now was the least busy in the after-school rush,
and the one where we were least likely to be spotted.
"Y'know, you might be even weirder than I thought," Iroha said.
"Nah, I'm pretty normal."
"Shut up. Normal people don't map out every route back—gaahaaah!" "Quit yelling, dumbass! People might see us. Just hold on tight and don't
fall off."
Thanks to a well-timed burst of speed on my part, Iroha wasn't able to
finish her insult.
I had to admit, she was lighter than I expected, given how all she ever
seemed to do was eat, sleep, and laze around. But despite that, she was still in pretty good shape. Maybe it was all to do with the lack of mass occupying her skull. Now that would make for an interesting science experiment.
"Huh? Did you say something?"
It sounded like Iroha was trying to talk, but I couldn't for the life of me work out what she was saying, probably because I was busy running as fast as I could to avoid being seen. It felt like I was outrunning the wind at this point.
Image Here
"I-I said I give in! Y-You can put me down now!" Iroha cried.
Finally, I understood what she said. We were in a narrow lane behind the school, and I was slowing down to turn a corner. Iroha had let go of my neck and was now whining and hammering her fists on my back. I looked over my shoulder at her.
"Isn't there something you want to say to me first?" I asked.
"...I-I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"I-I'm sorry for pretending all my buttons flew off and that my blouse was
open..." "And?"
"A-And I'm sorry for trying to annoy you."
"Good girl."
Satisfied, I let go of her without a second thought. Iroha immediately slid
to the ground, landing on her rear. "H-Hey!"
"Feel that pain in your ass? That's what it's like having to deal with you almost every single day."
"Is that how your mom taught you to treat a lady?! No wonder girls don't like you!"
"Oh, cry me a river."
Iroha was scowling at me while rubbing her sore behind. Surprise, surprise, her blouse was perfectly buttoned-up. Though I wasn't about to get a view of her boobs, thanks to the entire ordeal, her skirt was rolled up and exposing her thick thighs. I quickly looked away.
Sometimes I wished her personality would match her nice body. At least then I wouldn't have to feel gross admitting that she was pretty attractive.
"Ugh! I can't believe I was carried around at this age! You're lucky no one saw us!"
"Oh, so you do have some shame! News to me."
Her scowling face was still red with embarrassment. She must have been even more humiliated than she was trying to let on.
"Y'know, usually I'd expect you to make some crude remark about how you enjoyed being so close to me or something..."
"I-I'd never..."
"But it turns out treating you like a kid was quite effective. Now, come
give Daddy a nice big—"
"Quit it! Do you want me to cry?!"
"Aww, you always were such a widdle cwy-baby!"
"Quit it!" Iroha shrieked, her voice piercing my ears.
She squirmed and writhed on the ground in agony, holding her head. I was
on to something good here.
"Our mom still treated us like kids, right up until we started high school...
and now you're giving me super gross flashbacks!" Iroha explained. "Well, now you're just making me feel bad. I'll have to be responsible
with this newfound knowledge..."
"Y-You'll regret this! I lost this time, but I'll get my revenge!"
"Sure, try your luck whenever you want. Outsmarting you isn't gonna take
much."
I had no idea why she'd decided we were suddenly in some sort of
competition, but whatever. Iroha finally got to her feet, grumbling all the while.
"I can't believe I lost, after I went through all that trouble of not wearing a bra."
"Huh? But the whole thing was a big joke, right? So what did you just say?"
"I said 'I lost.'"
"No, I mean after that."
"'Went through all that trouble'?"
"C'mon, now..." I cut myself off. "Whatever. I know what I heard. I just
wanted to pretend I hadn't."
I spun around, not able to bear the confused look in Iroha's eyes any
longer. Why was I getting so flustered now, after all that just happened?
So she really... wasn't wearing a bra?
It made sense. Her boobs felt soft enough, after all. Had she really gone
that far?
Yeah, I know she was wearing a blouse, but... she still pressed her breasts
against me, didn't she?
Maybe I underestimated what this girl was really capable of.
I'll say it again. She came to school, and spent the whole day without a
bra on, just to try and wind me up by pressing her boobs against my back. But that made no sense at all! Unless...
Maybe... Just maybe...
She hated me way more than I thought!
After all, who else would she spring a literal booby trap on? She hated
me so much, she was willing to use every last one of her womanly assets in a campaign against me. Just what did I do to deserve this?! It was funny, too, because if it wasn't so obviously out of malice, you could mistake it for a sign of affection.
"Iroha... You're really something, you know that?"
"Huh?"
As Iroha blinked at me in confusion, I felt myself rising to a new stage of
enlightenment.
With Iroha no longer on my back, I could stop worrying about the stares of other people as we made our way home. I strolled along the sidewalk while Iroha trod carefully along the curb, her arms stretched out for balance.
"Hey, could you do me a favor?" I asked.
"Sure, whatever you want, virgin."
"Oh? Would you wike me to talk wike dis again?"
"No! No, please! I was just kidding!"
I knew it. This weapon in my possession was all-powerful.
Though Iroha pouted at first, she seemed to realize that I was going to ask
her something serious. Her expression stiffened. "What's this favor?" "There's no one as ridiculously annoying as you, and so I decided you're
the perfect person to ask..."
"Okay, rude."
"...I wondered if you had any idea how to become friends with a girl
who's a complete pain in the ass."
There was a pause.
"Huh?" Iroha froze, as though she didn't understand the question. "H-
Huh? Did you... Do you have a crush on someone, Senpai?"
Her voice trembled, like the President of the USA when he learned the
Earth was under attack by aliens (I'm talking about the movies, of course). Her face even drained of its color.
Why was she looking at me like that? Even if I did have a crush on someone, was that such a bad thing?
"No, that's not it..."
I began to explain how I was doing all sorts of things behind the scenes for the future of the 05th Floor Alliance. I told her about the mission I received from Tsukinomori-san, and how I now had to pretend I was Mashiro's boyfriend. I included the fact that Sumire-sensei had been asked to keep an eye on her, since she had a lot going on before she transferred. I told her how I wanted to at least become Mashiro's friend if I could, which would have the added effect of helping her have a fun and fulfilling school life.
It was only when I was explaining it that I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was. At first, Iroha was perplexed, but she soon had the gist of my predicament.
"Gosh, Senpai, you really like to stick your nose in other people's business, huh?"
"Only for my own sake, mind you. I'm not doing this for anyone else."
"Her name's Mashiro-san, right? It's not like you actually need to be her friend though, is it?"
"I guess not, but I'd feel kinda bad if she ended up lonely. I guess you'd call it a savior complex."
"Yeah, that's what we call bein' nosy! 'Snot a bad thing, though." Iroha giggled, as though amused by some unearthed memory.
"Whatever it is, I just dunno where to start. She just straight up cuts me off whenever I try to talk to her."
"I mean, yeah, you did walk in on her using the bathroom the first time you met. So I'm not surprised."
"I know, and I feel bad for it."
"Duh. I'd be worried if you didn't," Iroha said, though she didn't seem to hold it against me.
That was another part of her personality (you know, aside from "super annoying bitch"). No matter what you did, she would never really dig too deep or criticize you for it. When I told her about my bathroom blunder, she just laughed it off. Dare I say it, this was a side of her that I might actually like. She was easy to talk to and have fun with, and I might have done it more often if she weren't so annoying. I guess I couldn't have my cake and eat it.
"So you've got yourself a closed-off tsundere with a sharp tongue. I know the type from H-games." Iroha nodded sagely.
"No you don't. Or you shouldn't. You're not eighteen yet."
"C'mon, lighten up. H-games are popular with all ages these days! Not all of them are eighteen-plus anymore, you know!"
"Sounds like fake news to me."
"It's not! It's called cultural advancement!" She grinned. "Anyway, just leave it to me!"
Iroha placed a fist to her unsupported chest, which jiggled slightly. "Don't worry, Senpai! I'll teach you all you need to know to crack this pretty little nut!"
***
"So her boobs touched you? Do I have to go beat you up?"
"W-Wait, you don't get it, Ozu. I didn't do anything!"
"Right, but I don't care if you did. She can do what she wants, y'know?
I'm not the kinda guy who's obsessed with his sister."
"Then how come I can feel your bloodlust through the phone?!"
"Oh, it's just that you're braggin' to me right now about some girl havin'
her boobs on your back. I think any dude would wanna punch you in the face."
"Y'know, I'm kinda glad I'm not sitting next to you right now..."