WE'RE NOT STOPPED at the gas planet for long. Which is probably for the best. It gives me less time to consider if I actually want to go down there again. It was an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience, in all honesty. I didn't get much out of it.
It's easy to distract myself with the planning of the next trip, at least. The first actual planet we'll get to stop at. I don't know when it'll happen, but we should reach it in a week or so. I've got a nice stash of funds saved up, and I'm just waiting to see what I can actually buy with them.
Of course, I've also got my own personal bodyguard who's made it clear he won't let me out of his sight, but... well. That's not bad, either. He'd refused to leave the ship on that bioluminescent planet before. And the brief moment he'd been outside his glow had synced up so beautifully...
I can't be blamed.
At all.
For wanting to see more of that.
I sigh and lean against the railing of the ship's deck, watching the massive gas planet grow smaller in the distance as we fly away. I've never really taken the time to just... observe the universe like this. I mean, I've looked at stars. I've seen planets. I've been on planets. But... I've always been looking back to Earth. Thinking of home. And now I'm...
Willingly moving away from it.
And I feel...
Like I'm going to hyperventilate thinking about it. Like... like I'm going to drown. Like it's a nightmare and I can't wake up.
What—
What have I done?
What have—Can't I go back—?
How can I—
Blue hands settle over mine and I flinch, tensing up immediately. A familiar voice speaks softly, "Breathe, Sarah."
Llywelyn.
I... I don't know when he got here. I've been distracted. I didn't even hear him. But I'm immediately comforted by his touch, by his voice. I don't know why. He's the reason I'm in this mess. I could have left him behind, gone home to my old life, my old planet.
My old friends.
His hands squeeze mine. "Sarah, breathe."
His chest is pressed over my back and I... I feel trapped. And yet—
Safe.
I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. Trying to focus on him. On his warmth. On his presence. It wasn't a mistake. I chose him on purpose. I don't regret anything except that I couldn't bring him home with me. But my hands are shaking, and with his hands on mine he can feel...
"Close your eyes, woman." He murmurs, his lips brushing against my ear. "Stop thinking about that home of yours. Think about this one. Think about me."
His voice is low and soothing. It helps. I do as he says, and shut my eyes. I try to block out everything else, but the thoughts keep coming, the emotions keep swirling. I can't—I can't—
His hands gently pry mine from the railing and then curl my arms inward, cradling me with his arms and mine. He presses a kiss to my shoulder. "Focus on the warmth. Focus on my voice."
I try. I really do. But it's hard. It's so hard.
I feel tears stinging my eyes and I hate it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to break down. I want to be strong.
"I'm—I'm sorry." I whisper, feeling the tears begin to fall.
His arms tighten around me. "Hush. You have nothing to apologize for."
"I—just—I don't know why I'm doing this—"
"I do." He says, his tone firm. "And you know it, too. You're just avoiding it."
That makes me feel worse. He's right, of course. I know why I'm feeling like this. I just don't want to admit it. I don't want to face it. I've been doing that for years. Avoiding and denying and pretending that I'm not scared when I'm terrified, because I can't function if I admit it. Because I'll die if I—
"Sarah." He says, his voice gentle but stern. "Look at me."
I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him. His face is close to mine, his golden eyes looking into mine. His veins glow a soft blue, pulsing slowly.
"You are not alone." He says, and his fingers brush my cheek. "You are with me. And I am with you. That will not change. You do not have to fear losing your home because you have not. Wherever you want to go, I'll follow you. Wherever I go, I'll take you with me. Understand? You—"
He cuts himself off, briefly, and I see his veins flare up that lovely blue-pink that I think is my favorite shade of him.
Finally he speaks again, voice lower, just a bit thicker. "We. Are home. To each other. That's all that matters. Is that so... incomprehensible?"
I stare at him. He just... said that so... matter-of-factly. Like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Like he has no doubt about it.
I feel a surge of emotion that I can't name. It's overwhelming. It makes me want to cry and laugh and kiss him all at once.
I do none of that.
Instead, I turn enough to press my forehead against his shoulder, and let out a shaky breath.
"No," I finally whisper. "It's not."
I don't understand how he can be so sure about this. About us. About... everything. But I'm grateful for it.
I need it.
I need him.
His hand strokes my hair gently. "You should tell me when you feel this way, Sarah." He says, his voice soft. "I—for you... I want to help. And I can. If you tell me."
I bite my lip.
Telling him—or anyone...
How I feel. When I'm weak... or scared, or overwhelmed. It's...
There used to be a time when that was normal. But I'm... I'm not that person anymore. I haven't been in a long time.
I—
I wonder if I can be. Again. With him.
It's... such an absurd thought to imagine that I can't help but begin to laugh. He jabs me in the side. "Don't laugh at my sincerity you wretched hetchki. I—I'll devour you alive and then use you for fishbait!"
I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. I laugh against his skin. "That threat doesn't make any sense."
"Silence, woman." He growls, and hugs me back. "Don't you dare mock me."
I smile and nuzzle his neck. "No. I'm... thankful. For you. For being here. With me."
He's quiet for a long moment, and then... finally, he murmurs soft enough I can barely hear it, even cuddled up to him. "You are not... the only one who lost their home. So... let's... call this one ours."
My heart squeezes so tight I can't breathe.
I don't know how to respond to that. So I just... hold him closer. And hope he understands.