Children, the headaches we devils get whenever we say God's name out loud, or even just think about Him, are the result of the [System] God created back during the time my father was in charge of angel production.
And what exactly is the [System]?
The [System] is a mechanism responsible for delivering Sacred Gears and Longinus to humans from the moment they're formed in the mother's womb.
It's also responsible for carrying out miracles on Earth, God's "mercy" and "grace," as well as examining and judging humans to determine who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell, assigning each person a guardian angel suited to their future, a limited kind of "omniscience"...
I say "limited" because ever since God died, "omniscience" pretty much vanished from the face of the Earth entirely. It was only through the tremendous effort of Michael and the nine other Seraphs who survived the Second Great War (ten Seraphs total still alive today) that they managed to recover a small fragment of God's original omniscience, which, as of now, still doesn't actually work...
And it also punishes any devil who dares speak God's name out loud.
Yes, a little masochistic on God's part, I know.
But hey, everyone's got their own brand of crazy.
Who am I to judge?
Nothing more to add for now — let's get back to the story.
..............
[And that, partner, is the [System] your father's antithesis created]
That was what Ddraig said to his host, who was sipping orange juice out of a little cup, the three devils seated around the dining room table — which, by the way, was absolutely packed with all sorts of snacks — forming a circle around him.
..............
Against all odds, the Great Hyoudou Residence had been fully rebuilt in under ten minutes.
Incredible what magic can do, isn't it?
..............
"Interesting, so every devil gets a little jolt of sacred energy just from thinking or saying God's name," Issei said, showing no reaction whatsoever.
"Issei-sama, how is it that you're able to say the name of... that person?" Euclid asked, trying his best to avoid saying God's name himself.
[Having the Boosted Gear inevitably turned you into a hybrid — half devil, half dragon. We dragons are free beings, we break the very logic of existence itself, so that [System]'s nonsense doesn't affect us at all.]
"Ddraig says that having the Boosted Gear turned me into a devil-dragon hybrid, so the [System] doesn't affect me in the slightest," the little boy said.
"So this is the 'dragonizing' effect of Sacred Gears with dragons sealed inside them, truly fascinating," Rizevim said, scratching at his goatee. "I'd love to take a closer look at it..."
[Not a chance in hell am I letting that psycho maniac experiment on me]
...
...
...
...
...
"Ddraig says not a chance in hell is he letting a psycho maniac experiment on him," the little boy said, completely bluntly.
PFFT
Satan spat out what he'd been drinking straight into Euclid's face.
[Don't repeat curse words!] Ddraig shouted.
Curse words?
Wait, weren't those the tasty things you eat?
"No, son, what Ddraig meant to say is—" Satan tried to explain, but Rizevim beat him to it.
"That he's not even going to joke about letting him experiment on him, since he's such a little sissy he doesn't even want to be touched because it makes him 'sensitive,'" Rizevim answered, mocking.
Sissy?
What did being a sissy have to do with Ddraig, who was a fire-breathing male dragon?
"WOULD YOU TWO QUIT SWEARING ALREADY, GODDAMN IT!" Satan shouted, hysterical.
"Papa, what's a 'goddamn'?" the little boy asked, curious.
SMACK
Euclid Lucifage had just facepalmed himself.
How were two devils who'd been alive for centuries this irresponsible?
"Euclid Onii-chan, why do you think Papa and Uncle Rizevim are irresponsible?" he asked, confused.
"Issei, since when can you read minds?" Satan countered, equally confused.
"Since I kicked Berserker out of my head," Issei answered, like a good boy.
"So you earned his respect — incredible. Berserker doesn't usually have respect for anyone in particular," Satan exclaimed, pleasantly surprised.
"Papa... how do you know Berserker?" Issei asked, clearly interested now.
"I'm curious about that myself, Satan-sama," Euclid said.
"Same here," Rizevim chimed in.
[Unbelievably, so am I. Very few beings are capable of entering my mental landscape that easily.] Ddraig said, loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Well, it all started when God cast out me, my seven 'direct' children, and thirty percent of all the angels. Your great-great-grandfather was among them, Euclid," Satan began, catching everyone present off guard.
"I HAVE OLDER SIBLINGS!?" Issei shrieked, thrilled. "Where are they?"
"In a very, very far away place, son. Very, very far away..." Satan said, with a hint of sadness Issei completely missed, too caught up in his own excitement.
"AND WHEN ARE THEY COMING BACK!?" Issei asked, jumping with excitement.
"I don't know, son. I don't know," Satan answered, beginning to tell the story...
..............
**** Flashback — A Long Time Ago ****
War!
That's what was on the minds of Elohim, the seven Heavenly Princes, the thirty percent of angels who had now become Devils, and roughly twenty percent of the angels who had fallen from Heaven... literally.
The battle had been ferocious, but against all odds, they'd only suffered wounded...
Well, at least as far as casualties from God's angels' attacks went...
No.
Overall, the three newly-formed factions had suffered thousands of casualties...
But those were mostly from the collateral damage caused by the clash between God and Satan themselves.
Despite the intense fighting between what were now three factions, the angels genuinely struggled to bring themselves to attack their own "fallen brothers."
The fallen didn't attack to kill, not the angels, not the devils, because...
Honestly, they just didn't care either way.
As any self-respecting fallen angel would.
The devils didn't attack anyone either, since their Lord Elohim, now renamed Maou Satan, had ordered them to retreat toward the Underworld.
So they simply blocked the angels' attacks, slowly falling back toward a magic circle that the now-seven infernal princes were working to protect.
Meanwhile, down on Earth, things were absolutely dreadful.
Noah and his family were having a truly miserable time of it, between all the tsunamis, cyclones, tornadoes, rain, thunder, lightning, and the occasional GIANT spear of light crashing down uncomfortably close to the Ark.
And on top of all that, animals being animals...
And humans being humans...
They defecated.
They urinated.
Some of them threw up, thanks to the seasickness caused by the waves constantly rocking the boat side to side...
And that's not even counting the body odor...
The smell inside that Ark...
Was dreadful.
Inhuman.
Disgusting.
Putrid.
HORRIBLE.
We really ought to thank the [System] for the miracle it performed, keeping the poor humans' noses from completely giving out over the forty days they had to endure that smell...
The first recorded miracle in the entire history of Humanity.
On top of that, it had multiplied their stored food without letting any of it spoil.
The drinking water...
A genuine Miracle, in every sense of the word.
..............
Children, now that you're reading this, let's give God a round of applause for keeping the humans alive...
And for finding a way to make shit odorless...
A genuine genius, truly.
APPLAUSE, PLEASE!
clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
LOUDER!
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
That's better.
Nothing more to add for now, let's get back to the story.
..............
In the next Chapter..