I woke up again. I slept all night, the first in a while. Maybe they'll tell me ECT isn't a good choice. I ate all of my breakfast. I feel nauseous. I drank some cranberry and apple. No UTI's for me ig. Today marks 24 hours of my 72. Sunday they should release me. Hydroxyzine- an anti-anxiety. My shit is still liquid. My arm is still itchy. Benadryl knocked me out. Apparently I was out by 7PM, according to Jace and Vick. Maybe I should withdraw my 72. I don't want to be here though. My initial crisis period is over. I feel okay to be on my own- I want to shower with my products. I want to cuddle with my dog for hours on end. I miss Saka and Diesel. I miss them so much.
I tried to call dad again. He didn't pick up. I left voicemail. Maybe he'll pick up or listen to them. Maybe he'll call back. Maybe he'll hug me when I get home. Maybe he'll tell me everything's okay. Maybe he'll tell me that he loves me? They're still playing Billie Eilish in the group room. I wonder how everyone else is. I finally have a hair tie. I feel like myself again. I can't wait to shave again. I think I might be getting a mild sinus infection and my head is pounding like it does when I have one.
I hope people enjoy my narration. I have a beacon, a fall risk and an allergy bracelet bracelet on. I have my ID bracelet on I wearing grey hospital socks and khakis on. Grey boot because I tore my ankles ligaments. It throbs sometimes. Shoots up to my knee. I wish I had shoes. I'm wearing a black long sleeve. I hair is pulled back. I have my bangs infront. My hair is black black and curly. Unwashed. I put on deodorant. I washed my face with hand soap. I don't have the energy to do much anymore.
Some, I wonder if others feel like that. That having energy is taken for granted. I woke up with my nose stuffed and in the clothes I was wearing last night. I should make my bed, maybe. I wonder how I'm going to explain the concept of spoons to my case manager. . Hopefully she'll be on my side. I wonder what it's like to be one.
The group room has drawings on the walls and windows.Sometimes I sit there to soak up the sun. There's three tables by the windows.There's four windows. Reinforced glass.Two walls are blue the rest are gray. There is a phone on the wall.. people like to make Angry phone calls on them. There are six people in this room, three males And Three women. Someone I haven't met yet. There's a TV as well. It's playing some random music. There's some good art. No one at the medication window.
My room is pretty much empty. Blanket, bedding. A brown bag with my things in it, empty. My folder on the cubby. The shades are always drawn, It helps when I can't fall asleep. I was finally able to sleep. My headache is kinda less because of the sleep. Someone is leaving the group room. Probably to go back to his room. I wish I had a book I like to read.
My story is boring.. Really.
I was having some severe SI. I sought help and got transferred here. I had a plan and everything, you know. I guess I was too honest. I don't have much of an urge to do it anymore.
My day to day is almost the same. VItials, breakfast, group, snack (?), lunch, group, snack, leisure and dinner.
I have a discharge date. Monday or Tuesday.. I can't wait to go home!! K and I talked. She's warm. She was supposed to be discharged.
It's group time. It's music today, I guess. J can play the guitar. I didn't know that. The tune sounds mildly familiar. I've probably heard it in some distant memory that I can't really remember. Memories I'm not ready to face yet. Sounds like some song I used to love. Music is an outlet that I'm familiar with. It comforts you on the late nights alone, when the sun dips low and your thoughts are cold.
Rain is comforting. Sounds like a warm summer morning. The ocean is comforting. Its comes and goes like music and emotions. Emotions come in waves, some overwhelming, but they do pass. Nightmares are overwhelming. But they also pass eventually. I've accepted who I am and that I'm not perfect.. No one is perfect in the long run and that's okay.
I can't wait to talk to T again. I hope she's doing ok.
They said ECT can be done outpatient. Maybe? I hope it's monday. I should publish this online. People might enjoy this, K says. I've been thinking about going to church again> I should find where one is at home. K says I should go with her. Maybe I should. It'd be nice, I think. Make new friends. Check new connections, explore new opportunities. Explain to myself why I left. It never felt like home, but it is. Grandma would have loved for it to happen, It would make her proud. I miss her. I forgot her voice. I wish I remembered how she sounded or how she looked. I remember her perfume. I wish I had it. There's an older woman, her name is B. She reminds me of her. I wonder what she's in for.
I wonder what church I would fit into. Roman, Greek? Nondenominational? Something worshipping Mother Mary? I hope I'm not going insane. What would they even classify this as,, religious psychosis? I hope not. I know that there's something out there. Maybe i'll call my fiance. Maybe he has better insight.
My arm still itches, so I took another benadryl.
N came over. We talked about how I rescinded my 72, for a discharge on monday. Had process group and lunch. I didn't eat much of lunch. It sucks, as most hospital food does. Apparently our mattresses have a hard and soft side? Tempted to try. Lunch was pork and I had some of that and rice. 2 cups of juice. I'm kind of excited. I called Dad again, NO reply- I left a voicemail though! I think I want to go to church again, I forgot to call my fiance. I'm kinda hungry, I could kill for some Chipotle. I'm gonna text JJ again when I get out. I'm so excited to talk to them again.
I"m not going to miss being woken up for vitals or meds. I'm not going to miss the food. I'm going to miss some people here- mostly J and D. They're very chill. I'm going to miss the smell of pen on paper, the smell of disinfectant or the sounds of nightshift talking. I'm going to miss having people near and dear, but at least i'll be at home. They called a code DART on unit 3.
I wonder what that means. I'll look it up when I get home. V is leaving soon next week as well. I'm happy for them. I colored another thing and threw it out. I don't want to drag too much home with me. I'm kind of dreading going home. Hopefully it's tuesday..I can't wait to see Saka- she's gonna flip out.
I just got confirmation!! Tuesday!! I finally have some answers. I'll be attending PHP from 9-2. I'm kind of excited? I wonder what will happen if I don't go. I said anywhere is fine as long as I can take public transportation. I'm apparently not at a nutritional risk..? I hope I learn to be less degrading to myself. I hope I can develop less insecurity about myself. I know my fiance loves me.. But what if I can't love myself?
I'm so tired, mentally and phsyically.LIving with chronic pain is miserable. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I wasn't born like this. I wonder if there's anything I could have done to prevent this.
Apparently B hit the staff in the last place she was in. She called me a nice young lady today and I think that made my whole day. I'm skipping my last group today, I just don't have the energy.
Like I said before, my room is empty. I have a firm mattress, a scratchy blanket, and a thin pillow. Would anyone be willing to be here? I know one person who would love to be here. O. They have fake seizures. I've seen it before. I think they want to be here because they like the attention the staff gives them.
I'm realizing now that I'm writing 4 pages a day.. That's a lot for me. I just had to wash my underwear in the sink… at least they're cleanish now.
Clean clothes are a luxury here. I can't wait to go home and shower with my own products, brush my teeth with my own toothbrush and toothpaste. Apparently I'm much too quiet for this place.
My head and neck hurt. Probably because of the weird way I have to bend my neck to sleep.
The group room is empty, There's some trash. It's just me and the BHA. The game cabinet is open, I can hear the other units' TV room in here. North !.. I'm in North 2, mood disorders. They admitted me because I said i was suicidal. That was Tuesday, it's Friday now. I need to shave. Its taking everything in me not to sleep. I should ask for JJ's number, maybe.
Goodnight world.