Chapter 444: Beating Down the False Emperor, Stealing the Golden Toilet
"Why is there a regular human here?"
On this brutal colonial planet, war broke out frequently.
As a result, many shelters were constructed for civilians to hide in.
Of course, no sane person would run toward the battlefield—unless they were with the Imperial Guard.
"Ah… Sister, you're hurt!"
Allen looked at Commander Yalith and said, "Let me stop the bleeding for you."
Squelch…
Hiss!
To everyone's astonishment, Allen actually stuck his finger into the commander's wound.
"Never mind the details. Just tell me—did the bleeding stop or not?" Allen said smugly.
Suddenly, a power sword was at his throat. A Battle Sister, eyes filled with resolve, said, "This man may have been corrupted by Chaos. He's clearly lost his mind."
Squelch…
Hiss!
Annoyed, Allen pulled out his finger and declared righteously, "Before the Four Chaos Vendors even think about corrupting me, did they ever consider I might be the one corrupting them?"
But the one who suffered the most… was Commander Yalith.
She had an extremely robust physique, and her wound had already started to scab over—until Allen's poke-and-pull routine made the blood spurt like it was free.
"Gene scan him. If there's anything wrong, purify him on the spot," Yalith ordered coldly.
While Allen stood there utterly confused, someone shoved an oval-shaped scanner into his palm.
"No Chaos energy detected."
"No gene modifications detected."
"No genetic contamination detected."
"Conclusion: Pureblood Human."
The results stunned the Battle Sisters.
The term "pureblood human" hadn't been used in ages.
And right now, the entire Empire had been actively searching for traces of pureblood humans.
"Mission parameters changed. Priority shift: protect this target and escort to Terra," Yalith immediately ordered.
In an instant, the Battle Sisters surrounded Allen, forming a living wall of defense as they moved him toward safety.
"Sisters, I can protect myself. Can you please stand a little farther away? I'm a proper young man, after all…" Allen said, blushing.
The Sisters remained unfazed, keeping their defensive formation intact.
Yalith replied sternly, "Your life no longer belongs to you. It belongs to the Emperor. Let me be clear—your life is worth more than this entire planet beneath our feet."
"…"
Allen was now completely dumbfounded.
He was just some mentally unstable guy—how was he suddenly so important?
"Something's not right. This is the Warhammer world… Have I been taking things too lightly?"
Allen's IQ suddenly kicked into high gear. He frowned and asked, "Are you all trying to ogle my perfect body?"
"No comment."
Yalith dropped her power sword and slung Allen over her shoulder like she was afraid he'd run away.
"Let me go, you shameless hussy! I knew you were up to no good, trying to claim my pure, chaste body!" Allen shouted—without putting up any real struggle.
The Battle Sisters retreated under cover, requesting backup from the fleet in orbit.
The report was sent as-is, relayed through the Warp to Terra.
As soon as it arrived, it was rushed through high-speed channels directly to Regent Guilliman.
Immediately, orders were dispatched to the nearest chapter to escort the pureblood human to safety.
Meanwhile, on the battlefield—
The Necrons' offensive was growing fiercer.
The more fiercely the Battle Sisters resisted, the more suspicious they became that something was off.
"Bag of bones, that's all."
Allen peeked out and saw a Necron sniper switching positions after every shot.
The green energy beams could kill instantly upon impact.
Allen wanted to join the fight multiple times, but the Battle Sisters resolutely prevented him from intervening.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Suddenly, several Space Marines in full power armor appeared, their massive guns loaded with explosive rounds the size of grenades, laying down suppressive fire on the Necron positions.
"The extraction ship is almost here. Stay put."
These Space Marines wore green armor—Astartes from the Genesis Chapter.
At the same time, another squad was seen transporting a canister the size of a gas tank, which they embedded deep into the ground.
"Sis, what's the poop canister for?"
"…"
Yalith was speechless at Allen's nickname for the Space Marines.
Indeed, fully suited Space Marines did wear their armor for extended periods, and there were storage systems inside.
Of course… accidental leakage wasn't impossible.
Still, the Astartes were highly trained and wouldn't care about external filth.
Besides, Space Marines were the Empire's sacred warriors—chosen from among millions, revered by all of humanity.
Soon, the extraction ship descended.
Yalith carried Allen aboard, while the other Battle Sisters stayed behind to cover the retreat.
"You're just leaving them?" Allen asked.
"To die for the Emperor is the honor of every Battle Sister."
Something in Yalith' tone struck Allen.
The ship soared into orbit, heading straight for the massive flagship. The other Space Marines returned on separate vessels.
The flagship was monstrous in size, its interior an industrial gothic nightmare—massive, crude, and unpolished.
Through the observation window, Allen saw the bleak planet below. Suddenly, a scarlet light point expanded rapidly across the surface.
"You blew up the whole planet?"
It dawned on Allen what the canister was—a planet-busting nuclear device or worse.
They'd annihilated all life without hesitation.
Yes, it was a war-torn colony planet, but there were still billions hiding in shelters.
"To ensure your existence remains a secret, all possible witnesses must be eliminated," a Space Marine replied bluntly.
"I was too naive… I forgot this is the Warhammer world."
Allen's usual carefree demeanor vanished. His expression turned solemn.
He knew that because of him, billions had perished.
There was no denying his responsibility.
"False Emperor, Chaos Gods… Screw you all…"
Allen suddenly looked up and snarled, "I'm gonna drag that False Emperor off his golden toilet and force-feed him laxatives till he cures his thousand-year constipation!"
"Silence!"
Such blasphemy was grounds for immediate execution.
The lead Space Marine grabbed Allen and warned, "You may have pureblood genes capable of healing the Emperor. Otherwise, you're worthless."
But Allen wasn't one to be trifled with.
He grabbed the Marine's thumb—
Crack!
—and snapped it with a twist.
"Utter nonsense."
Before they could react, Allen slammed the Space Marine into a metal wall, leaving a human-shaped dent.
"…"
Everyone was stunned.
How could a regular human possess such terrifying strength?
Even pre-30K humans weren't this outrageous.
"Subdue him! Restrain him!"
The Space Marine, pulling himself out of the wall, gave the order.
But under orders from the Regent, the rest of the squad was only allowed to subdue—not harm—Allen, so they drew their power swords and attacked with the flat of the blade.
Flick!
Two talismans exploded in the air.
Out came four skeletal warriors reinforced with dragon bone… and a qilin divine beast.
"What the hell is that? Necron constructs?"
Squelch!
One of the skeletal warriors stabbed straight through a Space Marine's chest, venomous flames seeping into his body.
Despite their genetic enhancements granting toxin resistance, the Taoist death-poison bypassed all defenses like they weren't even there.
[Kill: Elite Space Marine. EXP +700]
A single strike killed a Space Marine. It was unbelievable.
Their power armor was protected by psychic fields and advanced ceramic alloys—it could withstand direct hits from large-caliber grenade launchers.
But it was torn apart by a seemingly unimpressive skeleton.
"Eliminate him! He's a Necron agent!"
Summoning undead warriors was, in the eyes of the Space Marines, classic Necron sabotage.
After all, across the Warhammer universe, only the Ribs Overlords used undead troops.
As the flagship sailed through the Warp, a brutal battle broke out within.
All available Space Marines rushed to contain the situation—but the four skeletal warriors and the qilin beast fought like demons.
Yet even now, the Marines aimed to capture Allen alive.
Because the Emperor on the Golden Throne needed pureblood genes to heal.
BOOM!
A dark beam pierced through the ship's central chamber.
A Chaos demon, lurking in the Warp, had been waiting for its moment.
Chaos demons and traitor Marines swarmed the flagship like a tide.
"Defend the ship! Request immediate support from the Imperium!"
Some Marines continued trying to restrain Allen, while others charged to meet the Chaos assault.
The Warp was the realm of the Four Chaos Gods, and skirmishes with the Imperium were constant.
And though there were other gods, the Four Vendors were the most powerful.
Allen stepped through the damaged ship and into the roiling Warp void—where he was immediately assaulted by corruptive forces.
"This is Chaos… twisted, depraved, mutated, mad…"
Allen yawned. "Tsk, what's the big deal."
"Come back! Chaos will corrupt you!" a Marine shouted.
No pureblood human could survive Chaos corruption.
Once tainted, their genetic purity would be lost.
But Allen didn't care. Chaos couldn't affect him at all.
Even more shocking—he didn't need oxygen gear and showed no signs of mutation in the Warp.
"Is this the true power of pureblood?"
"But… that's not what the records say."
"Pureblood just means genetically unaltered…"
"…"
Allen's every move shattered the Marines' worldview.
His combat strength rivaled chapter masters… ones in full gear, no less. And yet, he was wearing… a hospital gown?
Could that gown be hiding some secret power?
"HYAA!"
Allen locked on to a Chaos Marine and delivered a flying justice kick that sent him soaring.
He wasn't done—he chased the body, grabbed its leg, and dragged it back like hauling luggage. No amount of resistance could shake him off.
"Ding! Doctor Allen is now online…"
"Nurse Lefty, your suggestion is to slice off excess tissue and perform cosmetic surgery."
"Nurse Righty, your opinion is to end the patient's suffering via euthanasia."
"No no no… Dr. Allen saves lives! I'm a man of principle—I wear underwear, I have standards."
As Allen role-played with himself like some living cartoon, the Space Marines behind their helmets grimaced so hard their faces wrinkled like dried plums.
The captured Chaos Marine roared in rage—until Allen smacked him twice so hard he turned docile. More accurately, he was punch-drunk.
"OPPAI SHAME RAY!"
Striking an absurd pose, Allen fired a beam of light.
A cleansing ray—dispelling all negative effects.
SCREECH…
The Chaos Marine howled in pain, his whole body burning like it was on fire.
"This priest spell's too targeted. Let's try a Taoist one."
Divine Radiance.
Golden light streamed across the Chaos Marine.
Strange tissues on his body shriveled and disintegrated before their eyes.
"It's working!"
"More power!"
Allen began spamming Divine Radiance like it was free...
The watching Space Marines once again found themselves completely dumbfounded.
Reversing Chaos corruption—this was a technique even the Imperium didn't possess.
Uh…
During the purification process, black blood began oozing from inside the Chaos Space Marine's helmet.
"The Chaos taint is too deep... are his internal organs beyond saving?"
With a flick of his hand, Allen cast a healing spell and declared smugly, "Heal while you purify—double the joy, maximum satisfaction."
In less than a minute—
The Chaos Daemons and Space Marines looked on as if witnessing a divine miracle.
A fully corrupted Space Marine had actually been saved—and judging by the signs, he'd been corrupted for hundreds of years. If an Imperial force had found him, they would've executed him without hesitation.
Smack!
That Space Marine dropped to one knee and said solemnly, "From this day forward, you are my master. Please, Master, save my brothers from the grip of Chaos."
Well, naturally—he'd rebelled alongside Horus. Loyalty to the False Emperor meant nothing to him.
"Don't ask, Too Much Info, Poop Bucket."
Allen struck a cocky pose and declared, "Our motto: Down with the False Emperor, and steal his golden toilet!"
"Down with the False Emperor, and steal the—"
The defected Space Marine tried to chant along but quickly cut himself off halfway.
"Kill that human at all costs!"
The Daemon Prince howled, issuing the order.
A being capable of reversing corruption posed a threat equal to that of an entire Space Marine chapter.
"Capture him alive—for the Emperor!"
The loyalist Space Marines roared, charging at Allen with the same frenzy.
Uh…
Boss, you've broken the universal laws!
Is it too late to switch sides again?
The freshly defected Space Marine collapsed in terror.
He had just escaped the grip of Chaos, only to be swallowed up again in a sea of enemies. He was on the verge of bursting into tears.
"Human wave tactic?!"
Allen squinted slightly, his face nostalgic. "That year, the Flower Kingdom's weapons weren't up to par. But thanks to the effort of the bunnies, they secured their place as one of Blue Star's Five Great Humanitarians."
"Master, enough reminiscing! There are too many enemies—we need to retreat!" Poop Bucket urged anxiously.
"Oh… Beibei."
Allen cupped his cheeks with both hands, a heartfelt expression on his face. "In the face of love, there's no such thing as running. You must face it head-on. Always remember—you're the best."
"..."
You lunatic.
I'm not dying here with you.
Just as the Space Marine tried to get up and run for his life, there was a snap—and he instantly froze in disbelief.
Allen had snapped his fingers.
One by one, dimensional gates lit up in the void, each one seeping with the aura of death.
"No more hiding. Cards on the table. I'm Aedorius."