There are times when people have a sort of shift that goes about them. Like how they can be joking and laughing, but when something happens they seem to change and become serious. For most this is just ominous, but the last time Jax felt "serious" he had broken a few ribs and almost killed me inside of a dungeon after losing control.
So while I would like to say I was the more composed of us, my hand was resting on the ripcord of the revolution core, and the other was reaching for my spear when Jax began to surge with that strange black energy.
Even as Jax seemed to reign it in with Beatrice's help, I still had my hand resting on the shaft of my spear, something that Jax noticed.
"It's calmed down now, I'm not planning on attacking you Aiden."
Jax said with a weak joke, maybe trying to diffuse tension, but this was serious enough that I didn't take the bait and said.
"Last time whatever…. That is happened, you broke three of my ribs despite not meaning to attack me, so let me have this assurance please."
Jax's head bowed in a small sulk as we continued back to camp. Beatrice stepped away to begin gathering firewood and logs while Jax and I sat as I waited for an explanation.
I had known something strange had been happening with Jax, first in the necromancer dungeon, and then when he almost killed the bear beastkin during the plate games, and I had hoped Jax would have come to me about it when he felt like it couldn't be handled, but from the looks of things, it reached that point a long time ago.
"Ok, best place to start would be back when we were staying at Kaelens place. I found a set of books that would give me strength, one of them made it so I could heal super fast, but the feeling of pain is multiplied. I thought it would be ok because my lifeforce control skill lets me make a barrier around myself, but I was a bit shortsighted."
"Ok, so you have weaponized pain?"
"Obsession actually."
"Obsession? As in the tendency to pursue something singlemindedly?"
"Well it started out as insanity where the pain drove me a bit crazy, thus why I was just attacking anything around me and hit you by mistake. From there, Beatrice with her ties to some angels could help suppress it, and that somehow morphed it into Obsession."
Hearing that a part of me wanted to make a sly comment about Jax liking Beatrice, but the serious tone helped me push that down and keep a straight face as I said.
"And from the looks of it, even with Beatrice's help, it's getting worse."
Jax nodded, looking down as he raised a paw and the blacky ink seemed to float up and spike out and pop like bubbling metal.
"Yea, it's getting worse, and in full transparency, I almost attacked you. It's overly protective of Beatrice, with her as the target for the obsession, everything from distance, to hearing her in any way uncomfortable or in pain causes it to surge and go wild. A part of me wants to use it, but I feel like indulging it will only make the growth worse."
"We still have the ingredients to make aetheric harmonization, and from what I read insanity is a type of energy that can be refined from aether, there is a chance it will set your body back to making ki only, but It might not work."
Jax opened his mouth to speak but hesitated before looking at the ground in a moment of contemplation.
"You do want me to try to fix it, right?"
I asked slowly, a simmering coal of worry building in my stomach as Jax refused to meet my eyes.
"It….. it's a powerful thing, a-and if we can figure out some way to use it without me losing control then it could save us if anything bad would happen."
"Jax, you attacked me and the others in the middle of a dungeon, if not for the fact that the undead got too close and became your next targets, you might have killed us all right there."
"But that was before I knew anything about it or how to control it. It's a power worth at least looking into, just like your revolution core. It practically cooks you alive every time you use it, but that doesn't stop you."
"Jax, it's because I know the feeling of having a power like that I can say its something you should avoid if you can."
Jax jumped up from where he was sitting, a look of slight annoyance on his face like he knew what he wanted to say but was struggling to convey it properly.
"I'm saying if we can figure out a way to use it we might have just one more way to keep ourselves safe. We were all there when Zilla attacked, we all felt how we could do nothing. What's so wrong with at least wanting to have a choice to do something?"
"Thats not the issue here."
Jax stomped his foot as the black ink surged off his body as there was a strange deepness to the echo of his voice as he yelled.
"Then what is the issue!?"
I tensed slightly, my hand unconsciously jerking towards my spear as I felt a strange bile building in the back of my throat that I hadn't taken much notice of before as words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them in a tone that held so much hate I was surprised venom didn't drip from my lips.
"Because I am weak as SHIT, ALRIGHT!"
Jax seemed to flinch back at that, a look of bewilderment on his face as words continued to spill out before my brain could vet them or even stop them.
"You and Selene are our two big melee combatants, at best I can do a half assed job by burning myself alive to barely keep up. If you suddenly lose control and turn on us only Selene can take you on and hold you back. That just leaves me as the only other melee fighter tasked with the job of holding the front line to keep Liora, Thalia, and Beatrice safe. I. AM. TOO. WEAK. That is the reason you cannot pursue this."
Jax stared with wide eyes as my vision seemed to swim slightly as if I was underwater but words continued to spill out.
"You can throw casual punches so strong you can rip trees in half, Selene can fight multiple people at level 35 at just level 17 on her own and keep going, Liora can fly and fire spells from a distance, Thalia can see through walls and bind people several times stronger than herself. Even Beatrice, who didn't know how to use her system until a few months ago, can grow vines and heal wounds in an instant. All I can do is make potions and swing a spear around, but my spear is only good if I'm burning alive, and I can't even brew potions well because I was trying so hard to keep up with the rest of you, FUCK!"
I threw myself back down onto the log, pressing my face into my hands as I tried to hold in the tears with the pressure from my palms alone. Even without looking up I could feel Jax standing there, with a look of pity on his face as It felt like some kind of damn that was in my chest was breaking and I couldn't stop it at this point, so I screamed.
"Why, why did you choose me for this group? Was it pity for the washed up man living on a fucking mountain!? Or were you just trying to fill a roster and went for the people who didn't have a reason to say no? Well guess what, we went on an adventure, I still have no Idea where my grandfather went, my mom and dad have decided I don't FUCKING EXIST, and all I have been shown is how I am just filling a slot."
I looked up as tears ran down my face and saw Beatrice trying to be quiet and pretend like she couldn't hear any part of the conversation which was appreciated, but as I looked at Jax he refused to meet my eyes. His expression was one of barely concealed horror as if he was trying to quickly think of a response that could fix the situation, but I stood before he could speak, and began to walk towards the woods, taking my spear off my back.
"Im going to go find a monster and vent some steam, I'll be back in a bit."
I could imagine Jax's expression as he wanted to say wait, but couldn't know he didn't have an answer for my question earlier as I broke into a dash, running through the trees.