It's a room.
Dimly lit, there's a single light bulb illuminating the room. I'm sitting in a wooden chair. Across from me is another figure.
His face is one of intrigue, yet filled with no emotion whatsoever, as if watching ants in an artificial habitat. It's a look filled with contempt, yet with no real physical indicator. I can simply tell it is one.
Yes, the boy sitting across from me is none other than 'Kaito'.
Yet, strangely enough, his hair is down, as opposed to mine. His long navy-blue bangs cover his features, but enough for me to make out the general details.
'Kaito'.
He gazes at me.
Who am I?
I'm 'Kaito', too.
Aren't I?
No, this isn't 'Kaito'.
This is ██████.
Ah, I forgot his name.
Who is this?
This isn't me.
The light above us sways back and forth, illuminating one of us at a time. Creak. Creak. Creak. The maddening rays of light ostentatiously reveals our faces. No. I can't see his face.
I bounce my leg up and down.
I don't like this.
██████'s face has been obscured by the light up to this point. The only thing I can see are the slots where his eyes should be, only being represented by the shadows that cast under his eyebrow ridges.
Captain Ypokritís is still here. But he's in the corner. Staring at it. He's staring at the wall that stares back. The wall looks back, y'know? Walls have eyes, they're just all hidden. They constantly watch you. They constantly judge you.
Creaaak.
The light fully illuminates ██████'s face.
██████ has got Ypokritís's face. That triumphant, heroic smile that never seems to waver no matter what. He's got that heroic smile that thousands gaze upon, and smile back. Everyone loves Captain Ypokritís.
But they don't love ██████.
So, if ██████ has Ypokritís's face, then everyone will love him. Everyone will adore him. Because of that, I glance at ██████.
The room changes to a river. A beautiful flowing river framed amongst a perfect blue sky. Fluffy clouds laze along, the sun watching happily. Everything is dancing.
It's just me and ██████ now.
Me and ██████.
Me and.
Me.
Kaito.
I.
I sit across ██████. We're still in the same chairs. It's just that said chairs are in the middle of the river. The water needs to physically move around the legs of our chairs.
I glance down.
The river is flowing past. It doesn't care about our presence. It doesn't care that we're in the middle of it. Why can't it stop? Why can't it just look? Why can't it just praise me?
I stand up in my chair.
I walk over to ██████.
I hate reality.
My footsteps slosh in the water, and I raise them higher for ease of movement. The water doesn't care.
I hate responsibilities.
██████ simply sits there, staring at me. The smile never wavers. That disgusting smile doesn't even belong to you. Fucking idiot.
I hate being me.
I hate me.
No, I don't hate me.
I hate you.
I wrap my fingers around 'you'.
His neck is soft.
You can't exist anymore.
You can't be the same.
No one cares about you.
No one will ever acknowledge you for who you are. It's not their fault, either.
You need to die.
A shadow, cast.
Yet gaze at its source—
avast the light.
I squeeze.
It's my time.
My time to be.
Be gone, you.
____________________________________________________________________________
My eyes flicker open, a familiar scene overtaking my sight. An upside down castle. Glass-like water that I can seem to stand on top of. The distant sky in the background, lingering around, watching me.
This place is a world between the living and dead, and I've been here multiple times before. I was in shock the first few times, but grew accustomed to this. This is like a hidden, contained space from the rest of the planet.
I stand up, walking towards the only indicator of a direction in this empty space.
A staircase in front of me that leads to the upside down castle. Specifically a window.
I place my foot on the first step, and glance up.
It's not particularly long, but it will take a while to climb all these stairs. I sigh internally and push myself up swiftly to begin my journey, opting to not waste any further time. Thoughts begin to fill into my head as I ascend.
I haven't been able to reflect on myself for a while. It's been a long time. It's been about four months since I've been to this world, and a month since I started training.
Dealing with different things at the mansion as well as training with Miss Kaen has really been draining me. Whenever I'm alone, I just knock out and fall asleep. Self actualization hasn't really been a priority.
Well, there's not a lot to realize about myself at this point.
Before I know it, I've reached the top of the stairs.
I glance behind me and am met with the looming floor below, seemingly growing in distance. My fear of heights overtake me, and I quickly turn my head in front of me to avoid gazing any longer.
In front of me is a small stone opening. It's neatly cut, fitting into the palace's exterior design. I place my right hand on its side, and step over the small bump in front of my feet.
"Master, I need to clean this room…"
A voice belonging to a girl mutters.
"Mmmphhh…"
A voice rings out, belonging to a muffled voice.
"You've been watching these shows for so long! It's been months!" The girl's voice responds.
"Mmphh…"
"At this part, he goes: 'I'll take a potato chip, and eat it!!'"
"Mmmpghh.."
"Well, I personally view the scene as Light getting too carried away about his murder spree. It may look humorous to some, but it's clear that he's mentally unwell, which will ultimately—"
"...Actually, continue playing it."
She totally seems into the show now?!
I blink at the scene in front of me.
What…
What is this scene…?
In front of me, Aza is laying face down onto a pillow, moaning. As for who is Aza? She's… some kind of incomprehensible being that's decided to help me out in return for me doing a grand job for her, which may or may not involve taking out all the 'Celestials' in this world.
The only reason she appears as a cute girl is that, I, in her own words; 'Would scream until my vocal cords ripped'.
She's on top of a grandiose bed with golden accents, a testament to her position within this world. The bed is unmade, made clear by the various and sheer amounts of wrinkles within the blanket and sheets. Another girl is present on the bed, staring at the wall that projects a faint image of some kind of show. The green haired girl sitting by her with a duster in her hands is known as Lily. She's some kind of artificial human that Aza created as a way for her to have some company.
Not sure why an incomprehensible being needs company….
Lily is a massive smart mouth sometimes when she isn't cool. She plays the airhead, but purposely makes seriously mean comments. But if you call that out, she just plays dumb and asks what you're talking about. For a piece of someone else, she's sure got her own personality.
On the floor are random items, some that are surprisingly modern. Is that a key blade?
The floor isn't decorated, but is incredibly shiny despite the clear chaos present everywhere else. It's a nice beige, and contrasts nicely with the gray ceiling. Speaking of the ceiling, there's a large chandelier that's got such a confusing design it hurts my brain looking at it. For a moment, I forgot that I was in a dream-like world, but after looking at this I'm reminded where I am.
Glancing down for any way down, I'm met with a peculiar sight. A smooth slide down. It's as if there was previously a staircase there, but had all its steps removed. I sigh. Is this some kind of attempt to spice up the environment or something?
Closing my eyes, I practically throw myself onto the slide. Sarcastically, I raise my hands in the air as I sigh all the way down. Wind rushes past my face, but I honestly learned to adapt to these kinds of situations.
As I reach the bottom, I brace myself and close my eyes tighter. With a loud screech similar to sneakers squeaking against a floor, I reach the bottom, signified by the feeling of my feet touching the ground. Holding my head and surprised I'm still somehow alive, I place my hand on the floor and lift myself—
"Kaito!!"
A voice shrieks. It's Aza, whose currently leaping towards me like a damn lion. Yes, I'm not sure on how she can achieve a perfect vertical leap, but anything goes. Within a few moments, I'm back on the slide, with a new weight on my chest. Both metaphorically and physically.
The girl lifts her head from my chest, a happy look present. Seriously, how can a smile stretch so far, it's scaring me.
"I've finally figured it out!"
"Figured out what?"
"A 2d girl! After carefully sifting through your memories for so long, I've managed to mix the two things you love the most!"
"Hah?"
Alright, let me explain this in a way that's somewhat entertaining. Aza is like a max level player in a video game. She's seen everything in the game, by both playing it and physically opening the game's engine and understanding the code. When I came around, or joined the game in this case, I had DLC items that she had never seen before.
So, she's been studying the items that I've got and trying to replicate them. Or at least that's what I think, haha. I mean, why else would an omniscient being take such interest in someone like me?
In short, she's not familiar with my memories of earth, and is curious about them. So as a result, she likes to go through my mind. However, when it comes to personal emotions, she can't really understand them, so tends to avoid exploring them. She can only see humans as data, nothing more.
I blink.
Aza's face is completely morphed into someone unrecognizable. Actually, no, this person is completely recognizable.
"Her face turned into Ronnie Coleman!!!"
The face lets out a laugh, a really deep one, and dissipates into a collection of dust that fades away into the air. The weight that was just a few moments ago holding down my body is gone.
I stand up quickly, dusting whatever residue left off my body.
"Huh? I thought that would function as the perfect welcome back gift. You love the gym and anime, so mixing the two would logically make you happy."
Aza says from in front of me, her hand in her chin. I think this is the real Aza. The one that leaped on me might have been a false one. Well, clearly, it turned into dust.
The girl's pale skin pairs nicely with her ruby colored eyes. Her lashes are the perfect length, not too long, nor too short. Her silk-white hair trials behind her, seemingly extending to her lower back, furling towards the end. The perfect emanation of the term femininity. Yet, despite appearing as such, she is naught but an existence merely replicating this moniker. Perhaps the floating shards of light orbiting around her head is an indicator.
"No, that's creepy, dude." I mutter.
"Haahh…?" She emotively responds, turning her body as if to emphasize her confusion.
"What?"
Both Aza and Lily look at me dumbfounded. As if I morphed into a giant pink elephant before their eyes.
"What's the matter with you two?"
The both of them lean in, their eyes squinting. They inch closer, until they're both just an inch away from my face. Then, with their examination over, Aza jumps backwards and places her hands on her waist.
"I understand it's been a while, but I'm surprised you've changed so much, Kaito."
"What is up with you and being so vague all the time…"
"Well, what I mean by that is you didn't play the straight man."
"Come again?"
"When I said mixing the gym and anime together would make you happy, You didn't retort with something like: 'That doesn't mean literally mixing them together!!' You simply explained yourself like a normal person as opposed to your usual method where you scream out the punchline."
"So you were fully aware that it was weird and just wanted a reaction…" My eyebrow twitches.
"Hm, A lot must have happened during this gap period. I haven't gone through your memories yet, so allow me to."
"Hey, don't ignore me."
Every time I enter this domain, Aza likes to 'check up' on whatever's going on by sifting through them. She can't see the real world, so uses me as a recorder of sorts.
I sigh.
"It's not like I have a choice, do I?"
____________________________________________________________________________
"So that's how you successfully train a mouse to become a fashion designer." Lily explains to me, leaning on her broom. She seems scarily proud of herself for some reason.
I'm sitting on the bed, listening to every word she's been saying for the past ten minutes.
"Thank you, I will, for sure, be using that information in the future."
"My pleasure!"
Not mine, though.
Ever since Aza proposed going through my memories, she's remained in the same position as when she asked. She just froze, and won't move. Lily told me she's actively searching, but from my perspective it looks like someone just hit the pause button on her.
I lean back on the bed, sighing. My back sinks into the mattress, softness overtaking my body. This feels nice—
"Done!!"
I flinch, sitting upright and fixing my posture.
"You've been through quite a bit, Kaito! Nearly ten deaths! That's insane!"
Aza says it with such eagerness it sickens me. Her expression completely betrays the seriousness of the subject she's talking about. It's like my deaths are just cheap shock value factors for her viewing experience. She's the only one that knows about this, yet…
She can't understand.
She just goes on like it's nothing.
Like I'm some kind of experiment that yielded a new result. Is that what I am to her, no, it?
A hand gently lifts my chin in its direction.
I am face to face with this thing.
"Kaito, I want you to understand something. Understand that I cannot understand you. From my perspective, I cannot sympathize nor empathize, but I can simply acknowledge what you go through. I'm not purposely choosing to not understand your plight. This is simply the way it is. My purpose is to give you direction, not comfort."
"So then… why…?"
"Why act like this? Why act like an upbeat, cheerful girl? Why constantly make references to things you like? Why constantly play the airhead? It's all an appeal to circumstance. I've told you before. This is all an act. I'm sure you of all people would know."
"...."
"Now, I've noticed you've gotten far ahead in your Koho training. Amazing, you've decided to pursue actual power. This will certainly help in your crusade against Celestials. It's only a matter of time until you face your first. I personally—"
While she speaks, I clench my fist.
Is there nowhere for me to fall on? Do I just need to remain standing forever? Is this how it'll always be?
"—It's clear with the bags under your eyes, as well as that tired look."
Throughout all this… I've been relying on the fact that someone knew what I was going through. That's what gave me strength. Yet now… No, that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is how others view me as. If she knows my true self, what does it matter? She can't leave this place.
I blink.
And the world changes.
To a room.
A lone room that belongs to a boy who previously existed in this world.
It's an awfully regular seeming one. A bed. A desktop. A bookshelf.
Aza sits on my, no, his bed. The boy's bed.
"Where did you…?"
"Your room. Or at least, a construct of what once was. Using your memories, this is the most accurate construction I can do."
"...."
I take a few steps towards the windowsill.
"Why bring me back here? You want to hear me go on a tangent about life or something?"
I glance outside. The familiar streetlights, roads, and various other white houses glance back at me as if welcoming me back. It's nighttime, so visibility is low, yet at the same time, a sense of melancholy slightly stirs within me.
Bikes are left unattended, attached to respective light poles. Cars are left as well, the mechanical creatures of a bygone era. Or at least an era I'll never see again.
I don't want to think too much.
Not right now.
"How are you feeling?" Aza asks, shifting her position on the bed.
I walk past her, towards the door that was previously once mine. I gently twist the knob, and push the door forward.
It creaks open, revealing a small hallway. The floor consists of wood planks, as well as containing various clothing items on the floor that someone left.
I'm not sure what part of me is making me move, but something is guiding me along.
I make a sharp left, my gaze focused in front of me. Within a few steps, a beige door stands in front of me, as solemn as the rest of its surroundings.
This door.
Something feels familiar about this.
Like I've seen this door before in the past. A fragmented petal with a translucent form floating along the river of memories. I can tell it's a petal, yet I cannot make out the color nor size.
It's a remnant of something that was once a part of my daily life.
Someone lived here.
Someone lived in this house with me.
I'm not sure who, however.
A hand places itself on my shoulder.
I swiftly turn around, expecting that missing piece to be the person who had just touched me. Am I excited? Am I sad? Perhaps I merely just want to know.
I sigh, seeing that it's just Aza.
"Why'd you bring me here?" I ask, no louder than a whisper. Aza frowns.
"You don't miss your old home? My understanding of humans is that when they're separated from their homes, they develop a sense of longing. If you want to go further into what I think its: Happy human with home minus home equals sad human."
"…"
I bite my lip.
"...No."
It's not that I don't miss this place. It's just… a part of me expresses distaste for these walls. My life wasn't… never mind.
"I see. Hmph. I guess we'll have to tone up the value of this gift. I can't just have my avatar fighting a nearly impossible fight for no reason. You deserve to be rewarded."
Reward?
She sees this as a reward? A false imitation of a place that I once existed in?
"Well, what else could you want?" She replies, reading my thoughts.
And the world changes, like the light switching on. It's instant, literally instant in every sense of the word. There's no morphing, no fading, no nothing. It's as if this world has always been here, and I just never took the time to see it.
Wait.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
This floor.
I glance at the wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
This wall.
I glance at the ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
This ceiling.
I know this place. I know this place. I know this place.
I'm sweating. My body is pissing out sweat like a dog. My eyes are rapidly flashing like a broken headlight. My teeth are chattering akin to vibrations. Why am I here? Why am I here? Why am I here?
"...Aza."
"Hmm?" The girl replies.
"You can read my memories."
"Yep."
"So why…"
I turn around, grinding my teeth against each other. My sockets are so ajar, my eyeballs are at risk of falling out. I look like a psychopath.
"...Did you bring me here?"
"I thought your memories of your past were wea—"
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!" I scream, waving my arm to emphasize my point.
The girl tilts her head, ignoring my outburst.
"..Huh? This is your original home, isn't it? My reason for bringing you here is to provide comfort after suffering nearly ten deaths. You haven't been here for years. Also, statistically speaking, this place harbors more emotions towards it more than any other place within your mind. Logically, you'd want to be here more than anything. Your emotions—"
"Not all emotions are the same! How do you not know—"
She can't understand. She's not human. Every other instance is appealing to circumstance.
"—Ghkk!!! Humans aren't just ones and zeroes!!" I yell.
The false mask on the creature in front of me crumbles. The pieces all collapse to the ground, revealing something beyond my comprehension. Visually, it's all the same, yet in every other sense, it is beyond recognition.
"Yes, you are."
"?!"
"If you have an individual and give them money, they'll become happy. If you have an individual and murder their parents in front of them, they'll become sad. Your emotions, your personalities, your identity, are all influenced by other factors, or 'values'. A human without a father often seeks one. A human abused by a father often seeks the absence of one. Different values. Different outputs."
My skin crawls.
"Most humans interpret this as complexity. As something beyond prediction.That interpretation is convenient. It allows you to believe you are not influenced. What you call a 'choice' is just a moment your inputs align in a way that feels like ownership."
She smiles.
"So I do not think that you are free from being judged as values. I think you are merely rearranged by them."
"..."
Her expression suddenly softens as she walks over to me. She's taken notice of the crazed expression on my face.
A soft hand caresses my cheek.
It's cold.
It's cold.
"However, you are different. You are different from the rest. You do not fall within the category of those that have their lives dictated by 'values'. You possess something else within the framework of your mind. Your values, your decisions are all calculated by 'something' internal that I cannot reach. Something, yes, 'something'. I have become interested in that specific 'something'. Not only that, furthermore, your ability to return back to life is another key benefactor in my interest. Your decisions become more and more calculated because of that fact that death serves as a repercussion for any mistake."
She softens her eyes.
"In short, because of something within your mind and your Death's Detour, you have the ability to take initiative of your own life. This is what interests me, truly. Not only can I give you a reason for existence in this world, I can truly make you capable of controlling your destiny."
"What I want is for you to confide in this 'something' that you have."
My tongue and teeth momentarily collide against each other as I try to formulate words. I just let out a 'khaa' sound.
Controlling my destiny…
Does she intend to make me a Celestial?
My fingers curl, one by one, into my palm.
"I hope you understand. I know you do, actually. Once I exist in the world furthermore, I will give you whatever you desire."
"How do I know…" I begin. My lip quivers.
"How do I know that… that after I do all that, you won't just betray me? How do I know you aren't just manipulating me into doing what you want? How do I know you won't leave me..?"
The girl places her hand on the shards of light floating above her head. With sweat clearly trailing down her face, she begins pulling on the shard. As she exerts her strength, the sounds of cracking and popping ring out. Blood begins trailing down, seemingly out of nowhere. The girl grunts and winces with every pull.
Then—
A squelching pop finalizes the struggle.
With the shard of light in her hand, the girl places it in mine.
I can barely even feel it. Its surface is so light, I can't even feel it. Its weight is nonexistent.
She smiles.
"A piece of myself condensed into one. It will allow you to gaze and see the pattern almost instantly without any further effort. I would do more, but I want you to be capable of learning Koho on your own."
I gaze at the shard of light, unable to speak.
The girl clasps my hand, and gazes up into my eyes. I can see my own reflection, looking entirely stumped.
"I will never leave you, Kaito. I know what you go through, and you may confide in me whenever you feel so."
I can rest.
I can truly rest.
Even if the pillar I lean on isn't soft, I can still lean on it.
I nod.
"It's not like I have a choice do I?" I joke.
____________________________________________________________________________
I wake up.
The room's dark.
I hate the dark.
I stare at the wall.
And I stare.
I'm Kaito, now.