I do not want to remember the past, I left, at its place. I made myself sure, I would repeat it when it was time to. Without any necessary, I will never recall those in my brain. It has been always a torture for me. I will even ignore the connected thins related to the past.
I suddenly heard two knocks on the french door, turned around, and saw him standing there leaning his shoulder on the wall, crossing his hands. "Some things for you," he said, pointing his finger on the reading nook, "There." I looked in the same direction. Could not see it clearly, I was going there, holding my eyes on it, thinking, just a few seconds ago, I was thinking about the thing and God is ushering me to prove, it will never going to happen, whatever I wish, always be there telling me, I don't deserve those. I do not say anything or give any feedback. As soon as I closed the distance, the concrete had broken over me. If someone were at my place, he would become happier after seeing all those.
I faked a huge smile to let him feel I loved those. I know all the bouquets of chocolates and flowers were from weddings, from the groom side, for blessing and love, for me. The whole reading nook area to seating nook filled with those bouquets. I counted only four of those, which were flowers. Thank God they did not send any Tiulips. My reaction was not suitable with those, as I could not hold perfectly while seeing those. Leno's feedback said the next. "You didn't like those?" I always got caught, faking some necessary things, I hate the most. "Y-yeah. I do, why? I was just surprised. That's a lot." I was woefully holding my amusement in my shabby face. I do not know what he was thinking. I do not even care. I extended my feet and put one of those bouquets, and I was touching the petals. He should feel I want him to go away or outside from the area. I need some space.
When I went outside, on the garden space, I was looking from the balcony, I didn't melt. I was thinking of something, making me feel, the reason why I did not have myself like years ago. I did not note the things, what have changed from my priorities. Happy things might not make me happy anymore. I did not measure its capability. Maybe a few distance away, I was standing there, watching one to take fresh breaths, to become happier to see the garden area, I chose for him for healing. There was only me, who sentenced the line, Mental health is also important. He held his hands and had him there, watching his slow movements on the grass, helping him to pluck some of the flowers. Then he took them and put on a vase, watched them from beside his bed, and felt natural. The old days, old resort, old memories, and old feelings haven't been erased from my old brain. Whether I am in a new place or new people all around, I still can have the new me. I travelled here, long miles away, with all those memories and miseries. Maybe I did not watch all greens. Between those, there were memories mixing with the air, can not be seen, but can be felt.
I let all things hurt me. You should not ask for those, what can never be yours. I made a mistake. God is punishing me hard here. I took it. I took it when someone took mine. I took it when it left nothing but pain. I took it when no one else believed me. I took it when they supported it. I took it when I realised what can never be mine. I am still taking it. I haven't said I survived, as it is still going. It is somehow horrible thinking that you can not punish those who punished you, not for the damage you did. But for the care, for the love, for the support you gave. He just took my place, thinking it was his. Letting everybody feel he deserved it. Watching everyone, how he fitted perfectly. Feeling the worship I did. I took all of those.
I do not blame anyone. It's just not my type. I took and left.