Vibrant flowers grew beneath Oren's feet. Before he could comprehend it, something had changed.
What he was seeing was no longer a projection. It was not intangible at all. It was real.
It felt as though the void the trial was had shifted into a beautiful landscape. Is this what they call reliving the moment?
Oren looked down at the radiant flowers.
Currently, he stood at the far edges of the verdant field, looking at the glistening lake from a distance.
The grass and leaves swayed as though breathing with life.
Crouched down behind the water's edge, a man stood. His hair was shorter than Oren's, only reaching his ears.
His golden eyes sparkled as he faced Oren, making his chest constrict.
What he was looking at, was... himself.
That is me.
Oren chuckled for some reason.
How could he not know this place. His gaze drifted across the dreamlike expanse.
It was his home.
It had been his home, and now it seemed to be only a memory.
Despite knowing this place so well, why did it feel… off?
He looked around, then turning back to his old self, he realised what was wrong.
It was him, but he did not know why.
Was it his old self's demeanour. It must be, since Oren knew how he used to carry himself.
This being held himself in a way that felt claustrophobic, trapped.
It might sound strange, but he had always felt comfortable in his skin. His old self, in this vision, this reality even, did not look so eased.
Staring into the dull, almost lifeless golden eyes of his old self, he noticed more than the original gold hue.
Instead of just one colour, a myriad of faint colours shimmered within them.
His old self's gaze was wistful as he smiled at Oren.
Oren returned the smile, but he could not hide the abundance of feelings he felt. What shone to his old self were several different emotions.
Was this its doing. The Trial's of Longing.
Oren's eyes darkened as his distaste for the Trial of Longing consumed his thoughts, making the hate in his mind grow exponentially.
I did not long to return here. Never did I think of returning here, and yet this unholy trial dares make me rewatch this pathetic excuse for a memory.
Unless. Oren's eyes shone bright.
The damned trial had nothing to do with what he wanted. But that did not make sense either.
Orens eyes widened slightly.
What even was this trial.
Then, as if reading Oren's thoughts, the being spoke, twisting its head in a strange way, far enough that a mortal's neck would have cracked.
But it did not.
A shiver jolted down Oren's body as his old self laughed insanely. Then, an unholy scream scraped against the air.
"You dare doubt longing's promise. You dare oppose desire."
Somehow, even from the great distance, Oren heard the words clearly.
"Longing is not an obstacle we can overcome, but our desire drives us to overcome it, that is our nature." it said.
"Our nature as mortals, anyway, Oren. Do not fear desire, and do not regret it."
Oren listened with a thrown, his confusion making talking nearly impossible.
Since he could barely speak, Oren hoped that what his old self preached was true.
But in a few minutes, the laughter that escaped his past self's mouth was not laughter at all, but a distorted cacophony of sound that tore at Oren's ears.
"For regret only breeds another longing, you see. The longing to return. To undo the reason it ever existed."
With a short breath, his old self stepped forward, making Oren stumble backwards.
"It is perfectly humane to desire, long, and regret, because that is only in our nature."
There was a brief pause. In that tiny amount of time, however, his old self's tone darkened, becoming twisted and insidious.
"But we were never humane to begin with, were we. We are the lowest of the main branch. We are the lowest of divinity."
His old self smiled once more.
This time, Oren did not need to hear the words to be nervous, because what he said was something Oren had heard centuries after this memory had taken place.
"The common among the rare are still common nonetheless. Do you even think we deserve desire's embrace."
His old self grinned manically, but this time he remained silent, staring at Oren with hidden intent.
He did not speak, and yet Oren heard.
Does desire deserve us?
It does, does it not. Desire, longing, it deserves everything. It even deserves us. That is why our sacrifice is needed for nirvana. It would be disappointing if you did not agree, Oren.
The words settled heavy yet calm, making Oren freeze.
What! How... How are these not only my thoughts.
That meant he could not outsmart his old self.
But before he could process anything else he remembered what it had said.
Sacrifice.
Sacrifice...What.
Oren's eyes dashed across the field with wariness.
How will I be sacrificed.
"No." Oren muttered to himself. He could not be sacrificed. If he was, that was simply the trial he would have to overcome.
But it only made Oren more curious how the Trial of Longing obtained its name if a sacrifice was made to beat it, not one's own longing or unattachment.
He chose not to answer, but his thoughts were becoming even harder to control.
In less than an instant, there was a reply to his first question.
Why would we ever think such. These are our thoughts.
Oren's eyes darkened, staring down at his old self with inexplicable emotions.
You can see my thoughts.
Our thoughts, his old self snickered, then thought. Yes, because I am you and you are me.
The thought's tone deepened.
We are we.
Across the grassy field, a calm smile stitched itself across his old self's face as he continued.
"Do not worry. Desire does not wish to harm us. It only wants nirvana. It even regrets. It even longs. It seeks reunion with the Everdream Forest."
"Happiness is the only thing it wants. Thus, it wants our happiness too."
His old self stood up slowly, as though slowed by age. And yet, despite that sense of feebleness, sweat poured down Oren's back.
His instincts in the Trial of Longing screamed to run, but he was simply too slow. It was pointless.
Oren remained unmoved as his old self bridged the gap between them in an instant.
He still questioned how he moved so fast.
To his surprise, an answer came instantly.
Because we are we, and I am one of our many thoughts.
An unfathomable shiver ran down Oren's spine as his old self spoke, calm yet wrong in every way.
"It is okay, Oren. Just become attached, and we will reach nirvana soon. All it requires is one word."
"What is it you desire."
But what came to Oren's mind was the thing he had strived for most before entering the supposed revos verum.
It was peace.
Oren thought, forgetting that his thoughts could be read.
Just in case the truly did share the same consciousness, Oren filled his mind with several other thoughts.
Hopefully it would throw his past self off guard.
But was there even a reason not to share thoughts with himself.
"Peace. No, no, no. That is wrong. That is not correct. Peace will only condemn us to solitude and regret."
Hearing that, Oren's mind flashed with a new thought.
One he had not thought of.
Nirvana.
Aghh, yes… his face shone bright with radiance, nirvana.
Oren smiled, but in less than an instant, his smile dimmed.
But why did he want nirvana.
Oren questioned what his nirvana truly was, and what form it would take. Or had it already changed.
He no longer knew what nirvana meant.
How had he forgotten.
His past self let out an insane scream that made the world tremble.
"How treacherous. You dare doubt the nirvana that we strived so hard for. Is nirvana not good enough for us."
Oren frowned, then he shook his head stubbornly.
I do not know what nirvana means. Without its meaning, nirvana lacks all meaning.
Oren thought that, then filled his head with several detailed different thoughts. They continued.
Had he really walked for so long not knowing what his own goal meant.
Was it the trial's doing.
No. His past self answered his eyes darkening.
This was not the benevolence of longing. Longing did not cause harm to us. Desire only wanted us to prosper it causes no wrong.
His old self's face twisted in a sad, almost betrayed expression.
This… this is only our own ignorance.
We want peace, and yet we regret. We also want nirvana.
We want too many things. These things are what will make nirvana impossible, but that is why we walked.
Staring into Oren's trembling eyes, his past self continued with a chuckle.
Is that not why we walked for so long. Why we caused harm to our own consciousness.
Oren frowned, seeing nothing wrong with his own argument. He had walked so long for nirvana but nirvana his desire for nirvana was false.
And he knew that the majority of what his old self was thinking were lies.
Or were they not.
Could he even tell what thoughts were his or not.
Was this his past self's doing.
His old self's voice raised.
"But it is perfect if nirvana is not your only desire, because longing will thrive from all your emotions, all your memories and desires."
"Either way, we are destined for nirvana."
He stepped back with a glad smile.
"Actually. Our nirvana starts now."
After those words, the world seemed to tremble, and his past self's smile seemed to fade.
Then, in only a moment, he no longer could see his old self.
Before his dull golden eyes, something happened.
This time, it was no projection.
Something far, far more peculiar.
It was nirvana.
Oren shook his head.
He did not know what nirvana was, so what was really happening to his consciousness.
It felt as though it was shifting.
Before he could fathom it, before he could realise what nirvana truly was, his eyes shut tight, and he heard the thought again.
Oh Oren, the voice resounded in his head again, haunting, lingering like a bad taste.
Do not be afraid, for this is only the nirvana we wished for.