(1)
"Go ahead and eat. Stop just staring at it." Mom says this as she unties the bag on the table. Through the clear lid of the container inside, I can already tell that it's indeed braised beef, just as I expected.
I was actually just too nervous to look into her eyes, so I had to keep staring at the bag. After all, I came out to her in such an unplanned way – who would be in the mood to eat after that? I guess I can cross another thing off my bucket list, though I didn't think it would happen because she overheard it by accident.
However, when I see the meat inside the container, I figure… maybe eating while we talk isn't such a bad idea. So, I quietly get up and head to the kitchen, coming back with two pairs of chopsticks and a larger plate.
"Is that tall guy your boyfriend?" Mom asks, watching as I transfer the beef onto the plate. Not long after Chao left, Lee had to leave too, since his presence would just make things more complicated today. So the whole thing with him and Chao will have to be put on hold for now.
This is actually the first time I've ever heard her use the phrase "your boyfriend," and it feels a bit strange at first. She probably didn't expect to be talking about this with me either, because her tone sounds a little awkward.
"I was with him in college. But we broke up," I answer honestly. I mean, things are out in the open now, so at least I won't have to rehearse my answers in my head before speaking to her anymore.
Mom sighs, and I can't tell if it's out of frustration or maybe… some kind of relief?
Seeing that she's not saying anything, I go on, "I've actually always wanted to tell you. But I just didn't know how to bring it up… I mean, I didn't want to disappoint you."
"I never imagined this would be the case with you," Mom picks up her chopsticks and idly stirs the beef around in the plate. "But sometimes I really did wonder why I was in such a hurry to set you up on blind dates and pressure you into getting married. Well, now I don't have to worry about that anymore."
I swallow the food in my mouth and look at her curiously. I didn't expect her to jump straight to the topic of arranged dates.
She continues, "I could always sense your reluctance about it, and I've started to wonder if maybe letting you live your own life is the better choice." I never thought Mom would have second thoughts about the whole blind dating thing. I always thought it was more like a task she felt she had to check off.
"I keep asking myself: why am I rushing you?" She rests her chopsticks on the edge of the plate, "Is it just so you'll have a kid? But then what's the point of that? I don't want to say it's to 'carry on the family name' or anything pointless like that. That doesn't really mean anything for your life. And it's not like having kids is the only way to secure care in old age these days… So what exactly am I rushing for?" She looks at me helplessly, like she's hoping I can give her a more valid reason that could make her insistence on marriage seem more justifiable.
But if she, who's actually been through marriage, can't come up with an answer, then how could I possibly know?
"Maybe… it's just that being with someone feels less lonely?" I offer. It's the only thing that comes to mind.
"Maybe. But I've been through a marriage, and I know better than you that being with the wrong person is really not better than being alone. After all, even without a spouse, we still have family and friends around us, right?"
As far as I can remember, this is one of the few times Mom has ever brought up her marriage on her own. In my eyes, she's a pretty outgoing person, takes important things seriously, and doesn't give a damn about anything she finds trivial. So, it's really unexpected that she's thinking so much about it.
"Then why did you and Dad split up?" I don't know if I ever asked this when I was a kid, but now that I'm older, the question has been lingering in the back of my mind.
Mom glances at me, not surprised at all. Instead, she looks very calm, like she's been ready for this question for a long time.
"Your dad and I got married three years before you were born. Our workplaces were quite close to each other. One year, someone – can't remember who – organized a mixer for single men and women, and we all went to dinner together. After that, your dad and I started getting along pretty well. We just got closer over time."
"Didn't expect you two to have a love story like that."
"I guess you could say we did. And things were good after we got married. But I think the problems started after just a year or so. A few of your dad's friends were working in Guangdong, saying they were making good money from their business. That kind of talk got to him. He thought, once we had a kid, our expenses would go up. So he wanted to go there and try his luck."
I was bracing myself for some dramatic story about a cheating husband who abandoned his family. But it turns out to be such a warm beginning.
"But I wasn't really willing to let him go to Guangdong. His friends had been there for many years and had finally made something of themselves. For me, what I wanted was very simple. I wanted a complete, warm little family with a husband and a child. When we were busy, we could discuss who would cook and who would do the dishes. On weekends, we could relax by going to the movies or flying kites with the kid. And with the jobs your dad and I had at the time, we weren't very rich, but we were doing fine. So for me, that was enough. The risk of trying to make a career was just too high. I didn't want my simple life to take on that kind of risk. So I didn't want your dad to focus all his energy on his career after we got married."
I'm totally drawn in now, curling up in my chair without even realizing it.
"But at the time, your dad was also dealing with some setbacks at work. Maybe he just really needed to prove himself. So in the end, he quit and bought a train ticket to Guangzhou. Of course, there was a lot of back and forth between us about it. I don't need to go into every little detail. And honestly, I don't even remember it all anymore. What I do remember is that for a long time, we were both miserable. Life just felt exhausting. So when he finally left, I didn't even go to the station to see him off. I wasn't even sure if he really went."
"How old was I when he left?"
"I had just found out I was pregnant. I hadn't even had a chance to tell him yet."
That's kind of shocking.
"So when Dad left, he didn't even know he had a kid on the way? Oh my god. And you still decided to keep me… I guess I really was lucky."
"You really think so? Because it kinda sounds like you're blaming me a little," Mom says jokingly.
"Of course not!" I say with a laugh. And just like that, the heavy, tense mood we had earlier finally lifts.
"After he left, I did wonder whether I could raise a child on my own. But later, when I was still undecided and went for a checkup at the hospital, I saw your tiny shape in the ultrasound for the first time. And at that moment, I decided that you were my child, and I was going to raise you."
I really feel lucky. Even though it was just Mom and me growing up, I never once felt like something was missing. Like she said, we weren't rich, but I never lacked anything, emotionally or materially. Of course, it's only as I've grown up that I've gradually realized how hard it must have been for a single mom to do all this.
"I don't think I made the wrong choice," she says. "I chose to have you, and to raise you. And I've been happy with that life. You were always such a good kid. So yeah, I think everyone has the right to live the life they want. Your dad wanted to chase success, and I don't think he was wrong. That was probably the life he wanted more. So I don't hate him. I just hope he's satisfied with the choice he made. But looking back, maybe it wasn't the smartest move for us to get married when our goals in life were so different."
I've always sensed that Mom doesn't hate Dad. At least she never expressed her disappointment in him to me the way Chenhui's mom did.
"So… I've also been thinking, maybe I should let you live the life you want too?"
"It's just that you didn't expect this to be the life I want, right? Do you feel… disappointed in me?" I ask her cautiously. Maybe deep down, that's what I've been afraid of this whole time.
She shakes her head and says, "Not at all. It's definitely not a pleasant surprise though. When I overheard your conversation at the door, I did wish for a second that I misunderstood. But now that I've had time to think, if your choice makes you happy, then I don't have any reason not to be happy. Just…"
"Just what?"
"Be safe."
I suddenly feel a bit shy. "Okay, I got it. Don't worry. The beef's gotten cold. I'll go heat it up."
With that, I get up and carry the plate into the kitchen.
(2)
Yesterday was the last day of the holiday, and Mom and I stayed home the whole day. If it weren't for days like this, I probably wouldn't get to eat her cooking that often. After randomly coming out to her the day before, it finally felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. So that day, we ended up talking about a lot of things from the past.
Talking about Lee wasn't too hard. After all, he and I were officially together at one point. But when it came to Chenhui, I realized I didn't know how to explain our situation to her in any clear way. What exactly was going on between me and him? What kind of feelings did I really have for him? And what were his feelings toward me? When did things between us start getting so tangled up? And when did the distance start creeping in?
That was when it hit me – people like Lili, who knew all about me and Chenhui, never needed me to explain any of it. And with Lee, I'd never had to bring him up much at all. So now, trying to tell Mom everything… I found myself totally at a loss for words.
Maybe it's because I talked with her for too long yesterday and went to bed too late. Even after lying down, my brain stayed unusually wired for a long time. So today, when I get to the office, my mind still hasn't quite switched back to work mode. It isn't until I actually step into the office that I suddenly realize – I can't face Chao the way I used to anymore. He said the other day that he's already quit, and I don't know if I'll see him today.
There aren't many people in the office yet, but I notice Lulu's red purse hanging on her chair. She's probably clocked in and gone downstairs to grab breakfast.
When I walk over to my desk, I see a white envelope sitting on top. It just says "To Yang" on the front. Judging by the handwriting and everything that's happened recently, there's no doubt it's from Chao.
As I tear the envelope open, I catch myself thinking, half-jokingly, What if it's just a few extra photos he took?
But inside is a handwritten letter. Chao's handwriting has always been neat and nice to look at. I've even told him before that I wished he could help me practice my own. Though now, it's clear I'll never get that chance.
I sit down and quietly read the letter to myself:
Yang,
By the time you're reading this, I'm already done with this office.
Weird, huh? Writing a letter in this day and age. But that's because I already unfriended you and Lee on WeChat. Ha.
Chances are, I'm probably in Sanya right now, starting my gap year or whatever. Honestly, this job has never exactly been chill, so I figured I'd take the chance to rest for real this time.
I'm sure you figured it out that day that I recognized you the moment you first walked into this office. At the time, I just thought fate had a sick sense of humor. It never gave me any real shot at being with Lee, and now suddenly you and I are coworkers. We didn't even major in the same field back in college. And still, here we are. It made me wonder if the universe was doing it on purpose, just to mess with me.
But over the time we've worked together, I've honestly come to see that you're a likable person, someone who doesn't really have a bad bone in their body. Sometimes I'd think, if things weren't so complicated between us, maybe we actually could've been good friends.
You probably think that's laughable now, considering all the crap I pulled.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my own sexuality, so I know, better than most, how huge that journey is for someone. And yet I still did something so shitty… trying to force you into outing yourself before you were ready. Believe it or not, as I write this letter, I really feel sorry.
But now you know why I did it. It was because I was jealous of you.
Even now, if I say I wish you and Lee happiness, I'm not sure it would sound sincere. Because honestly, how your life turns out… it's none of my business.
But I do like Lee. I really do. And I want him to be happy.
That day, when I saw the way he looked at you in your apartment – the exact same way he used to look at you back in college – I knew I had completely lost. His feelings for you haven't changed one bit.
I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but… I really hope you'll try to make him happy. Because only when you're happy, can he truly be happy.
So yeah, I hope you're happy too.
And if you guys are, then I guess… I'll be happy too. Even if nobody really cares. Ha.
Anyway, I should go buy my plane ticket now.
Chao
Reading the letter Chao left behind, I find myself sitting there for a long time, unable to calm down. My brain finally starts to come out of its dazed state and begins to function again. Even now, I can't say I actually dislike him. Over the years of working together, Chao and I were never very close friends, but I always felt like he was a good presence in my life. We got along easily during downtime, had tons to talk about, and when it came to work, he was always professional and serious. We worked well together. Every time I was assigned to a new project, I always hoped he would be on my team.
But I never imagined he'd leave my life like this.
I still remember how we once joked that we'd stay here until the company went bankrupt, then go crash a new company together.
Looks like that job's mine alone now.
Then again, maybe no one ever really leaves someone else's life the way they expect them to.
Like my mom when she first got married – she probably didn't think she'd end up separating from my dad a few years later because of differences in values. Like me, when I first started dating Lee – I was worried we might have to break up after graduation because we'd move to different cities. Turns out we broke up because of a lie unraveling. Or like me and Chenhui, practically glued to each other every day back then – I used to feel a bit sad about the idea of not going to the same college as him because we were apparently good at different stuff. But in the end, our time of being close didn't even make it to high school graduation.
I let out a quiet sigh and close my eyes.
"You're here?" Lulu's voice suddenly calls out from across the office.
I open my eyes and see her walking toward me, biting into a slice of pork floss toast. I quickly tuck the letter into my bag.
"Yeah. Just got here," I reply casually.
Lulu plops down in the chair next to mine and leans over, lowering her voice. "Did you figure out who took those photos?"
"Oh, yeah," I say, brushing it off. "Some guy who had a thing for my ex. I don't even know him."
"Geez. What kind of person does that? Secretly taking pictures and stuff."
I just smile and don't say anything else.
That's when it occurs to me I hadn't even checked the messages on my phone while I was reading the letter.
One of them is a digital wedding invitation from Yun.
She's getting married, I think to myself. Time really flies.
I tap the link and see that the wedding will be held in Shanghai. I glance at the desk calendar to check if I have time to go. Sending out wedding invitations just three weeks before the ceremony – only Yun would do something like that.
I keep scrolling through the invitation. It's obvious Yun put some effort into picking the photos. From childhood to adulthood, all kinds of poses, all kinds of settings. She really has always been a textbook beauty since childhood.
When I reach the end, I notice she even included our high school graduation photo.
Is she trying to get the guests to spot her in it?
The thought makes me smile.
Then I just sit there, staring at the photo for a while, a bit lost in thought.
Of course I have a copy of that photo too. But after graduation, I've basically never looked at it again.
Because Chenhui isn't in it.