"Ladies, as you know, tomorrow is our first show since Kana graduated." Miyako spoke with a firm but not unkind voice. "We have managed to completely sell out the entire venue." She took a short break to clear her throat and turn her attention solely to Keiko. Even though she was still new to this business, she could definitely hold her own during the rehearsals; however, her timid ways still worried Miyako. "Keiko, I know all of this is happening really quickly, but we cannot allow for any longer breaks. This industry is fast-lived, and if a group is on a hiatus for too long, they lose-"
"I'm fine," Keiko interrupted. "I-I know it sometimes seems like I'd faint when performing in front of people… I don't know why or how, but when I really try, it feels like someone else entirely is performing instead of me."
"She's right, I also wouldn't worry too much, Miyaemon," Ruby chimed in. "Think back to why we chose her to be here in the first place… Back during the auditions."
"How often do I have to tell you? It's not 'Miyaemon' nor is it 'mom'... During work it's either Ms. Manager or at least my name…" Miyako sighed and shook her head, "But you're probably right. I also believe Keiko is ready."
Miyako cleared her throat once more. "So if that's that, let's go through our set list one last time… As you know, B-Komachi is the leading group at this venue, but since other semi-popular groups will also be there, we can allow ourselves to play fewer songs than usual. It's not our goal to make a massive impact tomorrow, but rather to show presence. We'll start off by playing Sign Is B, followed by Star T Rain, Say What, Pop in 2, and lastly a second time Sign Is B."
…
The three of them rehearsed their set until it was perfect, until every note felt right and they were almost as harmonic as with Kana. The sun had already set a good moment ago by the time Miyako finally let them leave for the day. "Hey, wait for me," Ruby shouted after Keiko, jogging to catch up to her. Keiko never hung around for long after their sessions wrapped up. It was not because she didn't enjoy the other's presence, but rather because waiting would mean she'd miss her train and have to wait quite a long time till the next one drives towards her backwater of a neighborhood.
Yet, when Ruby called out to her, she still turned and waited. "Thanks," Ruby panted, her palms pressed against her knees while she caught her breath. "Do you want to walk for a bit?"
Keiko glanced down the street for a moment before quickly looking back at Ruby. "Sure, anywhere in particular you wanna go?"
"No, it's not that. I need to talk with you about your performance," Ruby said, straightening her back and taking a few steps before energetically spinning 180 degrees.
"My performance?" Keiko hesitated, "Did I do something wrong?"
Ruby shook her head, her blonde hair flying freely around her head. "No, I'm really impressed with it, to be honest." Ruby reached both of her hands out for Keiko to take. "Come on. I need to ask you something."
Keiko bit her lower lip, but after a moment of uncertainty, she took Ruby's hands, allowing herself to be pulled along by Ruby.
"Are you often in this part of Tokyo… I mean during your free time." One of Keiko's hands she had let go of again. However, the other one she still held onto while they walked down the semi-deserted streets. Palm in palm, their fingers were intertwined as if they had been friends since forever, but Keiko didn't mind.
"Nuh uh." Keiko shook her head. "I live too far east to come here on my days off."
"I never knew that. I mean that you're living in the eastern wards of Tokyo." Ruby squeezed her hand. "That's amazing. I've never been there… Whaddaya say? Can I visit you some day and you show me around?"
Keiko's hand felt limp for a moment before it regained its strength. "I'd rather not…" She cleared her throat. "Let's just hang out here. Here there's much more fun stuff to do anyway."
"You're probably right," Ruby threw her head back to look up at the skyscrapers above their heads. They were steadily growing while the two walked deeper into the downtown area of Shibuya. "After our first show together, let's go shopping… Ginza, Roppongi Hills, Omotensado… The possibilities are endless."
"A-Are you sure? Aren't these places kind of expensive?" Keiko asked, stopping in her tracks.
"I suppose they are, but we can afford it." Ruby turned to face Keiko, staring right into her eyes while they remained connected through the gentle feeling in both their hand. "We've never really talked about the finances, have we…? It's obviously all written down in the contract, but pfft, who reads these anyway…? We are paid by gig, and due to our popularity, only being three girls, and Miyako taking far less out of the check than your average big idol production firm, we are paid really well."
Keiko kept mum for a long moment. A crowd of rushing salary men split into two like a stream of water with a rock in its wake so they wouldn't collide with the two girls before unifying back into a singular group after passing by them.
"I don't really like expensive clothes, though," Keiko mumbled. "I would much prefer to just have a fun time thrifting cute clothes together."
A faint smile washed over Ruby's face when she heard Keiko's words. "She would've said the same thing," she said. She continued to walk and tug, the wave of salarymen having since passed.
"Who are you talking about?" Keiko asked, trying to get a glance of Ruby's face, guessing that it could perhaps hold the answer she was seeking.
"My mom," Ruby mumbled.
"Ai Hoshino?"
Ruby nodded. "She also never really cared about what she wore… I should try and be more like her again. Maybe that way we-"
"No!" Keiko interrupted her. "... I-I'm sorry-" her eyes displayed shock at her own emotional outburst. "She was definitely a great person. I would've really loved to meet her… But you shouldn't try to be her just for the sake of it… You should try to be yourself and do the things you enjoy doing, not what she would've liked to do."
Ruby didn't respond. Rather her hand tightened, and her legs turned on their autopilot.
I should be myself?
I should do the things I like doing?
I should not do what she would've liked to do?
But I like doing the things she liked doing…
And I am good at the things she liked doing…
I should be myself.
By that logic, I would like just wearing any clothes…
But I also like shopping for more expensive clothes…
And by that logic, I would like to wear my hair purple…
But I like to wear my hair in its natural blonde…
I should be myself!
But which of these two even am I?
Do I want my blonde hair and expensive clothes?
Or do I want my purple hair and any clothes without holes?
No… I understand it. Those things don't matter. They are little things… They are minuscule in the grand scheme of things.
There is only a single thing that counts.
I'm an idol, just like she was, and for as long as I'm such a great idol for people, I will not only carry her flame but I will also be myself… Ruby… whoever that might be.
"Earlier I told you I have a question. You remember that, right?" Ruby asked after she had returned from her trip into her own headspace.
"Uh-huh," Keiko nodded, "I do, but I thought it was about wanting to go shopping."
Ruby shook her head, looking up once more, this time not at the skyscrapers but at the sky above. "Back when you auditioned for B-Komachi, you acted so completely differently… It was mesmerizing… It felt out of this world, but since then I haven't felt the same way even once while watching you… How did you do this?"
"As I said earlier, I don't know. It's just the mood… the stage lights… the thrill… I think it's those things that get me going. So-"
"I don't believe you… I don't mean to be rude, but there's more to it than what you're telling me." Ruby didn't lower her head even once while she spoke.
Keiko sighed. "Is it really that obvious when I'm lying?" she giggled a light-hearted giggle. "I'll tell you because I like you. You have to believe in something… When I'm on stage, I don't think about songs, lyrics, or our choreography. All I think about is this one beautiful thought… It is the sole reason I can keep going. It courses through my head hundreds of times per minute until my mind is filled by nothing else. One day this thought… this hope of mine will come true. If that happens, I'll think of something else, but till then I will keep thinking it."
"A thought…?" Ruby mumbled. "A hope… What is it?"
Keiko shook her head "Nuh uh. When I think it too much or say it out loud, it won't come true."
—
A thought…
A hope…
A believe…
A lie…
It was the evening of the next day. Ruby could already hear the bubblegum-ish songs as well as the roaring crowd outside. Another idol group was performing right outside as B-Komachi was getting ready. They were a smaller group, but Ruby actually really liked their music. They had cute-sounding songs, but when you looked deeper into it, they always carried heavy messages about gruesome topics. Apart from Ruby, there were probably only a few at this venue who actually knew this group. Idols just like fans, most of them were here today just because B-Komachi was too.
"Anybody feeling nervous?" Miyako interrupted Ruby's thoughts. "Mem-Cho, and Ruby… This is your first time on the big stage without Kana… And for you Keiko, it's the first time all together. So there would be no shame in feeling a bit nervous."
All three shook their heads simultaneously. "I'm Gucci," Mem-Cho said.
"Me too." Keiko's words actually did sound far more confident when compared to her usual attitude.
"Me three," Ruby was the last to respond, her head still somewhere in the clouds.
"Alright, if that's true, then I'll leave you three to prepare now." Miyako walked to the door but turned around again before reaching it. "Ruby… Mem-Cho… I can count on you two leading the way, right…? Just think back to your own first show and the way Kana helped you out," she added, words now specifically aimed at Ruby.
When the two finally nodded, Miyako actually left the dressing room, leaving the three of them alone with the, through the walls distant-sounding, noises of the ongoing concert.
A lie…
Mem and Keiko were talking, and that was not with her. This was all Ruby needed to excuse herself back into her own mind. After she spoke to Keiko last night, a thought was planted inside Ruby's head. Lies — they always played a major part in her life, yet lately she thought about them less and less, and this was a problem. Keiko might not have called what she had found for herself a lie, but Ruby knew that hope was only lies inside of an overly pinkish and cute package.
Keiko boosts her performances through lies…
No, she said it's one specific lie.
She tells it to herself over and over again, and this helps her overcome her otherwise shy attitude…
When I think about it, Mom did a similar thing…
Mom also lied to herself all the time…
She lied to everybody all the time. Those lies were the thing that made her perform the way she did. They made her shine the brightest out of anybody.
No… no, no, no. This is not good whatsoever. I also lied the entire time.
I lied about my past. I lied about why I was an Idol. I lied about my feelings.
But that's all over now… This cat is out of the bag. All my lies have been exposed as such by one person or another.
I can't do it anymore. I can't tell convincing lies anymore. But without these lies, can I even be an idol?
"Hey, Ruby." Mem-Cho was knocking against her head with her knuckles, the impacts just as soft as her voice. "Stop zoning out. We gotta head out now. We are up next."
"Oh, what, yeah, I'm sorry," Ruby mumbled, quickly getting up from the corner bench she sat on. "I was just a bit lost in my thoughts… Let's go." Ruby's demeanor was filled with resolve, heading towards the door with Mem-Cho trailing behind her to the left and Keiko behind her to the right.
It doesn't matter. It's not like I lost my arms or my legs.
I always believed that the idol on the top needed to lie… that my old self was stupid for thinking otherwise.
But that isn't true, and I will show it to all of them.
I will show them that an idol doesn't need to lie constantly.
I will show them that Ruby Hoshino can become the greatest idol of all time.
…
The surrounding area of the arena was bustling with people, while the inside of it had long gone quiet by now. B-Komachi was the last act of the evening, and when they were done, the fans were as well. Now only the personnel remained, cleaning up after the type of fan that couldn't go anywhere without leaving behind a mess.
The three B-Komachi girls and Miyako sat in the locker room of said arena. The silence inside with them perfectly reflects the silence inside the stadium.
"It's okay, Ruby, one bad show isn't the end of the world. We'll bounce back bigger and better than ever." Mem-Cho's voice was soft, and her hand was wrapped tightly around Ruby's, trying to convey strength. But Ruby's hand was limp, empty of said.
Mem-Cho had it easy. She could just say that. It wasn't her fault after all. Neither was it Keiko's or Miyako's. The reason why this show was considered 'bad' was Ruby, and only Ruby. During it she blanked like she had never before. She forgot the majority of the lyrics to her own songs, having to rely on the playback to carry her through this mess. After a while, when the fans noticed what was happening, it only really began. Now it was her fate. The same boos that were directed at Kana the day of her graduation were now aimed at Ruby — the quantity of them was just far higher, that is. With the boos came the mistakes. Minute by minute her choreography turned less rhythmic and more sporadic, to a point where she, during the second-to-last song, even fell. She quickly got back up, but the damage was done. During the last song of the evening, she was a husk of herself, her body moving and singing, but her eyes in a different world, emptied of joy.
A day later she was strolling alone through the city. Clutched in her right hand was her check. It was more of a formality that held no value. The real money was on her account. Though the venue was reluctant, she had still gotten paid for the mess she performed. 1.5 million yen — that was more than Ai was paid after an entire month of hard work back in her day.
There were a million excuses for this. Inflation, fewer members in the group, Miyako giving them a better contract, and not having to provide for 2 children were some of them. But even with all these reasons for why the check was so big, the sheer unfairness of this entire situation almost burnt a hole into her hand where said check was rested.
For as long as she could remember, she played the role of Ai Hoshino, or eventually the role of "Ruby" on stage, but this time she didn't. This time she was just Ruby Hoshino. And even though she was just Ruby Hoshino, even though she failed miserably, and even though she wasn't nearly as good as the legendary Ai Hoshino, she was still paid more than her.
Isn't life unfair?
She wasn't here in the middle of downtown just because she could, though. She was here with a goal in mind. She shook her head, the check losing a bit of its burn as she set her sight on the next best store. She went into it. It looked beautiful. It was so much unlike the thrift shops scattered around Tokyo she used to shop at that she thought she had accidentally left the city. The windows were clean and the walls were white. She didn't look around for a long time. She didn't even check if the clothes she picked fit. She just bought. Blouses, skirts, dresses, corsets, jeans, shirts, hats, bags, shoes, underwear. She bought as much of it as her short arms could carry. And after she brought it home, she came back. She bought trench coats, jackets, blazers, polos, sweaters, turtlenecks, caps, pants — baggy and skinny, denim and cotton.
By the time she was back on Aqua's bed, she still occupied his room after all, she was panting heavily. Her face was shining from ear to ear, all four of her limbs stretched out into a different direction. The entire room was filled by her new wardrobe, drenched orange by the setting sun. Initially she tried to fit it into Aqua's closet, but when she quickly ran out of space, she began scattering it on his bed, on his chair, on his desk, and eventually even on his floor.
Thus, there she was, her bank account nearly unaffected due to the years she had lived a modest life, now covered in her new clothes and surrounded by her stuffed animals. Happier than ever before, with everything a girl her age could possibly dream of and more around her, her grin only grew.