I couldn't stop thinking about what Eye had said. What if she was right? I wanted to believe that Rookie was different, that he would be my friend, but I couldn't be sure.
- He's just using you because he needs someone to talk to. He'll get bored of you and when he doesn't need you anymore, he'll forget about you. -
That's not true, he would never do that.
But I couldn't be sure. The doubt grew, and a pressure squeezed what was once my chest. I shouldn't feel anything; it had been a long time since my body couldn't feel as it used to. However, I felt it, a regret, a growing sadness accompanied by a subtle fear.
He's different, right? This time is different, isn't it?
- It has never been different -
It was right, it has never been different. And it's my fault, it has always been my fault, my parents, my family, and everyone who came after them. Of course it's my fault, if I try to get close to someone, of course someone will get hurt.
- Why are you trying again? You deserve that pain. -
And it couldn't be more right. I knew it, deep down I always knew it, but I never stopped trying. I thought, I dreamed, I wished for things to change, and I tried, I tried so many times.
So many people hurt.
- And whose fault is that? -
I know it's my fault, I know it was my fault, the pain, the suffering, I should have died, I wanted to die, but that's also a privilege I no longer have. I tried, I tried to get close, I tried, with every person, but I only got the same result, always the same result.
- So selfish -
I KNOW
Cold, I shouldn't feel it, I shouldn't feel anything, wasn't that the only good thing about this whole situation, and yet there it was. Cold, silence, and emptiness. I could feel them, I could feel them around me, just like I had for so many years.
- He'll find out -
No, he won't
I wanted to deny it, but it was useless. "In the end, the truth always comes out," my father used to say. But the truth is painful, especially this one.
What will I do when he finds out?
- He'll hate you -
It is right, he will hate me, he will despise me like everyone else, and I will be alone again.
- You have always been alone -
The pressure in my chest increased, I couldn't breathe, I felt it growing inside me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Fear, now a deep fear and sadness, swirled inside me, growing, feeding off each other. I was at my limit. I was going to cry.
My body changed, beyond my control. My feelings were overwhelming me. I couldn't think. That pressure, that heaviness, that regret. The shape of the doll reappeared, once again a reminder of what it once felt like to be a person.
And I cried. The sound came out of the voice box as always, that horrible crying, that suffering that only came out in the form of a doll's cry. And I cried because I couldn't do anything else, I cried because I was alone, and I cried because the crying that came out wasn't mine but that of a silly doll.
Alone, I was completely alone, I couldn't stop the doll's crying, I wanted to stop, but I also wanted to keep crying. It was fake crying, as artificial as any toy's crying, but at the same time, it was my crying, as real as anyone else's.
I cried, longing for the days when my mother would come running to see what was wrong with me. I cried like those nights when I didn't know where my father was. I cried, wishing someone would hear me.
But no one came, no one would come. They would hear the crying and simply wish it would stop, wish they didn't have to hear it, but nothing more. I was alone, after all, alone in a house full of people, alone in a hallway full of rooms, alone in a room that no one visited.
I don't know how long it took, but the batteries finally died, the crying stopped, but my sadness did not.
The day had passed without me doing much. I had been with him all day, we talked, but it wasn't the same, not like the night before. I wanted to spend the night with him again, but Nanny took me to my room, where I was at that moment.
The room was dimly lit as usual because turning on the real lamp was a Herculean task for me, like almost everything else I did.
"You must keep your mind occupied with other things." That was one of the pieces of advice Nanny had given me. However, I had no intention of doing anything. What was the point?
I changed shape to a sphere, but nothing happened. I changed to a helicopter again, nothing. I changed to a car, a baby, a robot, a train. But it was pointless. I had used up the batteries. And now all I could do was wait, wait for someone to notice.
I couldn't do anything, and it was my fault, as always. I could only lie there like the thing I was, watching time pass before my eyes once again, unable to do anything but contemplate and wish that everything was different.
- Nothing will ever be different. -
I wish I were wrong this time.