-Who is it?!
-The one with the very pale skin. Don't be too rough with him, he's fragile.
-Don't worry. I just want to thank him~!
I heard footsteps coming quickly behind me in the hallway. Thinking I was blocking the way, I moved slightly to the side, gently pushing Rui Han aside.
He stared at me, his face red, seeing me so close to him suddenly.
-Are you flirting with me?
-Why would I waste my time doing that? You're already mine.
-Oh~
The boy who had almost bumped into me turned around, looking for me until he saw me walking on, already far down the hallway.
-Stop!
It was Rui warning me because I had no idea this guy was talking to me. I finally looked behind me; this boy, who was Muyang's new best friend, really looked like me. Well, not anymore, but he gave off the same energy and physical features as my old self.
-Did you invite us on vacation?
-My stepfather got me a house for six, but I don't have that many friends, so I left Chenbai. He's the one you should thank.
Chenbai became agitated when he heard me talking about him, something I was starting to get used to in retrospect.
-Wow! You're too kind! Can I give you a friendly pat on the back?
-Yes
He was also my old height. He was tiny. I had to bend my knees so he'd pat me on the back the way he wanted, then he'd press his cheek against mine and whisper.
-Are you trying to score points with Chenbai? You let him invite his friends, and I read on the notice, these are rooms for two. Are you doing this on purpose to be in the same room as Chenbai? Are you two flirting? He's been acting strangely ever since he's been in front of you.
He wasn't stupid, but at the same time I wanted to yell at him that he was an idiot who couldn't see very far ahead. His innocence touched me then, and in a heavy voice I admitted defeat.
-You found me out...
-Really? Let's be friends, I'll back you up!
Rui, who had actually heard the whole conversation, ended up staring at me with narrowed eyes. I remained the same, impassive even though I wanted to mock his conclusion, which might have been plausible in another context.
Finally, Yao Hui ran towards Chenbai to punch him in the stomach. It also seemed like a friendly pat, but this one doubled over because his ribs had been hit.
-Well, these holidays are going to be interesting.
I looked at Rui, who was already complaining, and gave a slight smile that didn't leave him indifferent.
-We'll lose them to go to the private beach.
-Uh...there's a private beach then?
It only opens with a gate, so there won't be anyone there.
-Haha.
I waited on the dock, a week and a half later
I had been very careful to make sure everything was perfect on my end. My suitcase had been packed for a few days already, my mother having forced me to take all sorts of overpriced, hypoallergenic sunscreens in my little backpack, to which I had added a turtleneck just in case, even though it was ridiculous to take that to the beach.
I saw a taxi stop nearby and get out...
-Rui, what's with this suitcase? We're only going for two weeks.
-It's not my suitcase.
He nodded towards Meiling, who, in a little summer dress, already seemed ready to go swimming.
-It's so wonderful to be rich. Say, wouldn't you like a wife?
Rui placed his hand that wasn't holding the suitcase on Meiling's shoulder, telling her that the spot was already taken
She giggled, taking it as proof that Chenbai and I had chemistry, but I knew Rui was speaking for himself. He showed me his small school backpack, which he'd filled with only three items of clothing, a stark contrast to his girlfriend's suitcase. She was a girl, so I excused her; after all, you have to maintain your appearance even far from home. I said, smiling,
-Give it to me, I'll help you carry it.
But he replied, lifting the overly heavy bag to the train:
-What do you expect to carry with arms like spaghetti?
Well, it wasn't like I wasn't expecting it.
-SHANG YU!
I jumped when I saw two boys in matching Hawaiian shirts behind me, and as usual, Muyang was Easily recognizable, still wearing his black cotton t-shirt because he wouldn't stoop to dressing like that.
-Thank you for coming.
Yao dropped his suitcases and knelt on the ground, his straw hat falling in front of him under my astonished gaze.
-What kind of world do we live in where you're the one saying thank you?! You pay for everything, too. We're the ones who should be thanking you.
Chenbai shook my hand, too embarrassed to hug me, which Muyang followed suit and did very naturally.
It felt strange holding his hand; his fingers had grown...
-Thank you.
Yao said it too after Muyang and hugged him so warmly that I couldn't take it the wrong way.
-Without you, we would have stayed in this rotten village.
-No, no. It's a pleasure to...get to know you
-Quays, it's true you just moved in. You don't know many people then... give me your address, I'll bring the whole class, we'll have a huge party.
He seemed really excited by the idea of introducing me even though I wasn't that keen on it.
-It's the street with the big clothing store. My house is the white one with the bay window.
-Huh?! The villa with the sea view?!
On the train, I sat opposite Meiling who absolutely wanted the window seat. Next to me, Chenbai was dozing after 2 hours on this train. The trip was supposed to last 4 hours... so it was a bit long.
I peeled a tangerine to give him to eat before he fell completely asleep.
-Eat a little.
-Thanks- You're so sweet
Finally, he fell asleep anyway, his head against mine, he ended up snuggling up, completely crushing me by the window.
Rui was watching me, diagonally next to Meiling. He was bored from watching his movie.
-What?
-Nothing. Your shirt looks good on you.
He took advantage of everyone being asleep to talk freely with me. Muyang next to him had his headphones on, so he couldn't hear anything even though he was awake.
He hadn't even recognized my voice earlier. I knew my voice had broken, but it still hurt. I was careful not to draw his attention to me; I didn't want him to think I was interested and to snoop around, not so soon. Yao Hui was a very good person, much better than me. He had this reassuring quality about him, protecting Muyang... I was just a child; I didn't understand the burden it was for Muyang to protect me all the time...
And yet, even when I began to understand after I left for Beijing, I continued to call his name, crying, hoping he would return through the power of my prayers.
I remember, when Mom cried...and I couldn't see Dad anymore, I would hug my stuffed animal tightly and cry without making a sound. I couldn't be sad with anyone, I couldn't talk to anyone, I was always alone, locked inside the house without knowing what was happening outside.
Then one day I was finally able to see Dad, or at least what was left of him. I hugged him one last time, seeing in his eyes his beauty which, despite the treatments and extreme thinness, remained intact. He left me alone, waiting only for me to leave because I was his treasure.
That day, returning home in complete silence, I felt an earthquake beneath my feet and my reflection shattered
In that mirror, I couldn't see myself anymore, I couldn't find myself. All I saw was the face of my recently deceased father, and I... I began to hate that aspect of myself. I wanted to reclaim that ordinariness in my features that made me Feng Yu, the hyperactive little boy. The little baby with wrinkled skin.
I'll never be able to say this because everyone says change is part of life. Change killed a part of me that was already pathetic, making me utterly miserable.
I stared at the plains, my face pressed against the window. The rest of the journey would be clouded by my bad memories, and it was setting my nerves on edge...
-WOW! The sea!! MUMU COME ON!
Muyang finally turned his helmet around to cross the road and jumped into the hot sand
We were right next to Silver Beach, but it was too crowded; it was better to just swim near the hotel. It was a very green place, almost shimmering.
Meiling followed them, laughing, while the three of us—Chenbai, Rui, and I—were left behind to take care of everyone's luggage.
-They're little houses on stilts in the sand. About a 10-minute walk.
Chenbai bent down to take the bag from my hands without startling me.
-I'll take this bag, give it to me~
That was the second insult about my lack of strength that I'd received that day. Did I look that weak?
We finally arrived at the hotel's private beach. I went to the reception desk with Chenbai to pick up the passes, and finally, I could walk to the beach and relax.
-These are rooms for two.
-O-Only two. I thought there would be at least three of us...
Chenbai looked really embarrassed. He probably meant to say that we should logically be in the same room. To make things easier for him, I put my things in front of the first bungalow and went to get the rest. When I came back, he was already opening his suitcase on the bed next to mine.
-Does...does that bother you?
-Not at all. I was afraid you wouldn't want to be in the same room as me, that's all.
I also opened my suitcase to take out my socks and sneakers, which had gotten sand everywhere. Seeing me crouched in front of the door, tapping the sand out of my shoes, he couldn't help but blush
-Ah, Feng there you are.
Rui stopped and I looked up, a provocative smile on my face.
-Rui. You're in the next room with your girlfriend-
-Are you joking?
-No, it's a present. Stay with your girlfriend that you love so much-
-You're not actually going to...!
Rui's face fell when he saw Chenbai sitting on the bed to the right.
He must have thought it was cheating, but on the contrary, Chenbai was the calmest of the boys here, not to mention Meiling, who was unstoppable and would be the first to open my suitcases to see what was inside.
He was the least dangerous while also being the most likely to approach me, what a paradox.
-What are you going to do today? Are you going swimming?
-I'm going to call my parents to tell them we're here...and then maybe I'll join you at the beach. You can go if you want
-Actually, I'd like to buy a pool float. Can you come with me?
He wriggled his fingers, looking at me like a puppy left in a car in a parking lot. I couldn't say no.
Finally, we slipped away while the others went to test the water. I took him to the supermarket next to the beach. Luckily, it wasn't very crowded at that time.
-Take whichever one you want.
-No, no, I just want the cheapest one.
I'm paying, who cares?
-Still...!
I took the box with the unicorn pool float. It was terrifying....
He started looking for the one he wanted while I looked at my phone with a missed call from my stepfather. I'll call him back when we leave the store.
-This one looks fun
You'll inflate it yourself, won't you? I won't.
-Yeah, right!
He seemed so pleased that I was buying his giant lobster float. So, was it like having a son to buy toys for? He ran out of the store, the box over his arm, urging me to follow him, but was stopped by my phone ringing again.
I stepped aside to answer it; Jianyu had called me again.
-Did you arrive safely?
-Yes, no worries. All my friends are fine too.
-Are you amusing me? I won't bother you for long, don't worry. Your mother was worried too, you should call her soon.
-The weather's nice and there's a cool breeze in the city behind. It's pleasant. I'll call Mom tonight. Tell her for me.
-Have a good stay, Feng. Call us back during the week.
I put away my phone, my face frozen, quickly joining Chenbai who was waiting for me a little further away. A few minutes later I saw him inflating the float on his bed, closing the hole every 5 minutes while complaining of feeling dizzy.
-Do you want me to help you?
-No... I told you I would.
I observed the float; the bulk of it was done, all that remained was to fill in the top of the lobster's head
I forced him to give it to me, which he did without much resistance, putting my lips on the already wet tip of his saliva.
-Ugh...you didn't wipe it off....
-It's all over the ball and outside, there's no point in wiping it off.
-But...
I told him he could go for a swim while he waited. He came back five minutes later, soaked from head to toe but still staring at me with that bright red look.
-I'll be done soon, I'll bring it to you.
-What?
-You ruined our first kiss by giving me a backseat....
He looked really sad when he said that. I had absolutely no idea what he meant by that and I couldn't help but tease him inwardly.
Where did that come from again?
I hurried to inflate his float so he could leave, but before going he looked at me hesitantly. Just when I thought he was finally far away, he came running back.
-Aren't you coming for a swim?
-Ah...later...
-Huh?! Come to the beach. I'll set up the parasol for you.
I felt like Chenbai was dragging me around.
Yao Hui and Meiling were having a water fight, Muyang was sleeping in the sun, and Rui, who had been beaten in the water fight and targeted by the other two, came to see me after I had changed into a looser t-shirt.
-Rui-
-Yu-
I sat down on the towel Chenbai was laying out, and then he planted the parasol over me.
-Here, you can take my gun. It doesn't work well, be careful.
-Lol, it's a lost cause then.
Chenbai went to play with the others. Rui, soaking wet, put his towel right next to me, but stayed in the sun to dry.
He watched me take off my hat, my thin, immaculate white legs, my feet buried in the sand, which was almost completely hidden
-When I saw you coming into the sun, you looked like a flash. You know, when the sun reflects off the snow and it's blinding...
-Haha. Not that bad.
-Yes, I swear.
He was bending his head down towards me, seeing that I was burning up, he started to put his hands on the back of my neck...then...on the small of my back. I couldn't really react because from a distance we looked like two buddies chatting but...it was really cold...
-What are you doing?
-You're going to get sunstroke,
He pulled up my t-shirt and rubbed his forearms against my skin. The water smelled of salt here and I could feel large grains of sand sticking to my skin...
Hmm...it was too cold so I couldn't help but double over.
-Stop it.
-No.
-Come on. Don't be a kid-
-Get a little wet or I'll spray you by force with the gun.
-You wouldn't dare.
A shadowy figure appeared on the sand in front of us, Muyang trailing his towel, his hair full of sea salt, making it all frizzy and voluminous.
Since when did he have so much hair...?
I pushed Rui away, who was laughing, before he saw anything.
-Do you have a spot left in the shade? I'm burning up in the sun.
-Yes, of course.
I moved slightly to give him a spot, but the parasol was small, the shaded area even smaller, so I let him lie down between the bar and me.
This atmosphere...it vaguely reminded me of the past, though I couldn't clearly remember it. It was like a curse that was chasing me, trying to see right through me.
-Do you have sensitive skin?
-Me? I'm okay...
-Isn't there any sun in Beijing?
I chuckled, my face lost in the dark blue sea beyond.
-Everyone's talking about you. They say you're too weird.
-That's not wrong...
A long time passed. We could only hear Yao Hui and Meiling's shouts. I was slowly falling asleep, my head tilting to one side because I was too worried about leaving to be able to rest properly. Even on the train I hadn't been able to close my eyes... so... I was really tired.
-Shang. Are you asleep?
-...just a little...?
I lay down with my back to him because I didn't feel well sleeping so close to Muyang, even though it had been my dream for a long time.
Why did I feel so bad? Shouldn't I be happy? Why... why... was it so stifling and heavy? It hurt, and it wasn't just my reaction that hurt; something else was hurting me.
-Shang. The sun has moved
Chenbai arrived and saw Muyang crouching in front of me, trying to wake me up. He put the float at my feet and sat down next to me with a smile on his face.
-I like him, he's kind.
-He's a wimp.
-No, he was really tired, and he still walked me to town to go to. Let him sleep, I'll just move the parasol.
Muyang watched Chenbai as he got up to move the parasol. I had sand on my nose, so Muyang flicked it off with a small finger.
Frowning, he ran his hand over my face again, but this time it was to push back my bangs and get a better look.
-That guy, I mean Shang...do you know him well?
-I try, but he doesn't talk much about himself. Rui knows him well. Why?
-...nothing. I have a weird feeling. Maybe he's been in a commercial before.
-Haha. It's possible, considering how cute he is.
I felt the cold sea breeze on my body, cooling me down and causing a slight shock to my already burning skin.
I could have woken up, but I was peaceful, so I simply turned my back on Muyang on my towel, instinctively, to avoid him even in my sleep
-He won't sleep tonight.
-Haha, good for me. We could have a sleepover.
In the end, I woke up to the sound of the waves. The salt stung the edges of my nails, the skin of which had been torn off a little more by my teeth. These wounds kept me standing...they made me feel both dead and alive at the same time. Like an addictive drug, it hurt me; I didn't necessarily want to use it, but I always ended up doing it again because even if my mind tried to resist, my body needed it. And my mind and my flesh had long since stopped communicating with each other through anything other than pain.