Do you know the feeling when you bring home a bunch of new recruits and suddenly realize, Oh crap, I have no idea what any of them actually do?
Yeah. That's me. Right now. Sitting on a mossy stone throne that is somehow my "royal seat," with eight hulking oni standing in front of me like a lineup of overly dramatic anime figures.
And of course my goblin elders—Zig and the Gob Priest—are standing on the side, pretending to look important but mostly just trying not to faint from all the demon energy in the air.
You readers probably imagine a grand council chamber with gold walls and sparkling chandeliers, right?
Ha! Nice try.
It's just a half-built wooden hall that still smells like wet moss and goblin sweat. But hey, it's my hall.
Cornalis, my butler, stands at my right side looking like a perfectly polished statue of deadly class.
I glance at him and whisper,
"Are you ready for introductions, Corny?"
He doesn't even blink. "It is Cornalis, my lord."
Yeah yeah, whatever.
I grin at the oni and clap my hands.
"Alright, my mighty new employees—uh, I mean warriors—introduce yourselves before I die of curiosity or boredom. Whichever comes first."
The first to step forward is the one and only Akagiri, also known as Rengoku.
Yes, that Rengoku style. The flaming hair, the burning eyes, the heroic pose like he's about to jump into a Demon Slayer episode.
He bows with a flourish, katana gleaming.
"I am Akagiri, called Rengoku. My blade burns for honor and justice!"
…Did anyone else hear the imaginary theme music just now?
I lean to the readers.
"Guys, he actually talks like that in real life. I'm both impressed and slightly embarrassed for him."
Next is Shakuro, a tall, lean oni with eyes like sharpened knives.
"I handle… the quiet work," he says in a voice so soft it could kill you in your sleep.
Assassin. Great.
"Fantastic," I say. "Every kingdom needs someone who can sneak into enemy bedrooms. Totally not creepy at all."
Then comes Onimaru, an older oni with black-and-white hair, only one horn, and a face that looks like he's already seen the rise and fall of twenty civilizations.
He bows slowly, two swords strapped across his back.
"I am Onimaru. Age does not dull steel."
I nod respectfully, then whisper to you guys,
"Translation: 'I can still beat the crap out of you, kid.' Noted."
The fourth is Kurogane, a broad-shouldered oni with hands like iron and a blacksmith's apron.
"I forge weapons and armor," he rumbles.
"Oh bless the system gods," I sigh dramatically. "Finally someone who can make me something better than a wooden spoon."
Fifth is Akurojin, slim but strong, carrying a bow taller than me.
He simply says, "Arrows find all targets."
Cool. Short sentences. Deadly vibes.
Mental note: never play hide and seek with this guy.
Then comes a splash of pink hair—Hoshika.
She smiles shyly and curtsies.
"I heal wounds… and sew clothes."
My eyes sparkle like a fashion-starved raccoon.
"You can make clothes? You are my hero. Please rescue me from moss capes before I become the jungle's worst-dressed king."
Behind her steps Kagura, a calm, silver-eyed mage with a staff that hums with mana.
"I study magic," she says simply.
The Gob Priest's eyes light up like a festival lantern.
"Finally!" he squeaks. "Someone I can discuss runic ley-line convergence with!"
I groan. "Great. Now the priest has a magic buddy. My council meetings are going to take three extra hours."
And finally, the tiniest of the bunch—Akahime, the so-called Red Princess.
A little oni girl with crimson eyes and a cooking pot strapped to her back.
She beams at me.
"I can cook!"
Reader, listen carefully:
Never underestimate a good cook in an RPG world. Food equals happiness. Happiness equals EXP. This child is a literal treasure chest.
"Alright," I announce, rising dramatically from my throne (okay, the mossy rock),
"By the authority of Lord Haru—first of his name, master of snacks, king of Dravemire—I hereby assign your jobs!"
I point at Akagiri.
"You are my Blade Captain. Your job: look scary and cut stuff. Bonus points if you shout cool catchphrases."
To Shakuro:
"You're Head of Shadows. Assassination, espionage, and making people uncomfortable in dark alleys. Have fun."
To Onimaru:
"You are… Elder Sword Dad. Official title: Sword Master. Train the goblins, teach them how not to chop their own toes."
Kurogane gets Master Smith (duh),
Akurojin becomes Ranger Commander,
Hoshika is Royal Healer and Fashion Minister (because priorities),
Kagura is Arcane Advisor,
and little Akahime is crowned Royal Chef and Official Cute Mascot.
Akahime squeals with delight.
"Does this come with snacks?"
"Yes," I say solemnly. "Unlimited snacks. You have the most important job of all—keeping your king alive through deliciousness."
Cornalis clears his throat. "My lord, perhaps a more formal structure—"
"Nope," I interrupt. "This is my kingdom. If I want a Fashion Minister, I get a Fashion Minister."
The goblin priest finally steps forward, probably tired of being ignored.
"My lord," he croaks, "we should discuss… the outside world."
Ah yes. Lore dump time.
I motion for everyone to sit—or at least crouch. Oni are huge. My poor wooden floor creaks like it's about to give up on life.
The priest begins, voice low and serious.
"There are four great kingdoms surrounding this forest. North lies Baraburth, the empire of steel knights. East is Sylvenreach, home of the elves and their endless politics. South stretches Draethorne, ruled by dragon-blooded nobles. And to the west… the shadow lands of Noct'Vahl, where dark things stir."
The goblin raises a bony finger.
"This jungle sits in the center of them all. No kingdom owns it. Many have tried. Battles were fought. Treaties signed. None lasted. It is… the land between."
I whistle.
"Wow. So basically I built my kingdom on the galaxy's biggest 'Free Parking' tile. Nice."
Kagura nods gravely.
"There are ancient stories… five great prophecies carved by civilizations long vanished. They speak of a king born outside the circle of kingdoms. A king who will unite or destroy them."
Everyone turns to look at me.
Even Cornalis tilts his head slightly.
I raise both hands.
"Whoa whoa, hold on. Don't look at me like I'm some prophecy baby. I'm just a humble gamer with a butler and a moss throne."
…Okay, maybe not that humble.
Still, a tiny shiver creeps down my spine.
Because part of that prophecy—the king outside the circle—sounds just a little too close to me.
Like an ant crawling on the back of my neck. Tiny, but impossible to ignore.
I lean back and grin at the readers.
"Alright, alright. I know what you're thinking. Haru, are you the chosen one? Will you unite the kingdoms or blow them all up?
Good questions. Excellent suspense.
Too bad I'm not telling you."
Cornalis bows slightly. "My lord, your experience points are steadily increasing. You are now Level Twelve."
Level Twelve Already? Sweet.
"See, readers? I don't even need to swing a sword. I just recruit awesome people and let the EXP rain from the sky. Kingdom management is basically cheat mode."
I rise, throwing my arms wide.
"My friends, my council, my totally unpaid employees—Dravemire will rise!
Now someone please bring me a snack before I faint from all this royal brilliance."
Akahime giggles and scurries off with her cooking pot.
The oni bow, the goblins cheer, and I—Lord Haru, lazy gamer king—sit back on my mossy throne, pretending I totally planned all of this.
And you, dear reader?
Don't even think about skipping ahead.
Because if you do, I'll send Shakuro to hide under your bed.
He's really good at that.