Chapter 122
A small hand nudged him roughly. He rolled over.
"You're brooding again," Rukia accused, leaning over his prone body.
"No I'm not," he protested.
"You need to get out of bed. It's ten o'clock." She threw The Complete Poetry and Selected Prose of John Donne on his stomach with a loud thump. His muscles instantly recoiled with the weight. "You can't even pretend you're still reading; you dropped it on my head a moment ago, you asshole."
His arms reached out to her and he pulled Rukia on top of him. "Sorry," he said automatically.
"Argh," she pulled out the book between them. "I haven't forgiven you. My head hurts."
Ichigo cradled the top of her crown, smoothing down her hair until his fingers came to rest on her cheek. He traced the contour of her bottom lip. "Sorry," he repeated, genuinely sympathetic. His lips brushed against hers lightly. She tasted of mixed berries.
"It's good you know your place," she said, as her body relaxed into his.
"And this is your place?" he raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm not a friggin' futon."
"You weren't complaining last night," she said archly. "If I recall…"
Ichigo's lips twitched. "You win," he mock-rolled his eyes. "Or maybe I win." His hands began to stroke her back. His clever doctor's hands traveled the length of her spine. His fingers skimmed the length of her thighs under her skirt. "So… do you still want me to get out of bed?"
"Hmm…" Rukia changed her mind as Ichigo's head dipped towards her chest, and he began to slowly unbutton her blouse with his teeth. Damn him, he knew that always drove her nuts. "Lunchtime will do well enough," she conceded, as she let her legs fall akimbo over his hips, in open invitation.
Ichigo smiled. He liked nothing best but to ravish her.
And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
"It's time to get out of bed now, sleepy-head," Rukia yawned. It was almost one o'clock. She began to re-arrange her hopelessly crumpled clothing. When she saw that it was a lost cause, she got up and moved towards the closet for a clean outfit.
"I don't want to get up yet," Ichigo moaned. He watched her nude body shimmy into a white summer dress. Underwear soon followed.
"I'm starving, you asshole."
"I can give you something to swallow," he offered mischievously, throwing off the sheet that covered him. "Ouch! You didn't have to pinch me there. What if we can't have children now?"
"Unlike you, I think that can wait," Rukia retorted. "Right now, I am hungry for more than physical pleasures."
Ichigo tumbled out of bed, grumbling. He threw on a faded pair of jeans, a freshly laundered shirt and a jacket. He looked up to see Rukia peeking at something in her pocket.
"Are we going anywhere special?" he inquired.
"Maybe," she said, deliberately noncommittal. "But food first."
But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.
They ate their lunch at the little Italian restaurant across the street that served stuffed pasta, antipasti, crisp pizza, and the most fragrant espresso in Osaka. It surprised Ichigo that Rukia had acquired a taste for gaijin food, when she had refused to eat anything foreign when they first met. It amused him that she changed as much as he did.
It was just as well she wasn't keen on the local delicacies. He had gorged himself on takoyaki when he first arrived. Ichigo learned the hard way that too many octopus balls can spell disaster.
"Now we've got the energy to hit the sack again," he observed.
"Don't be crude," she said. "I want to take you somewhere."
He raised a questioning eyebrow. "You make it seem like this is your city, you know."
"It might as well be, considering that I here every weekend," Rukia replied. "I swear, I think I've seen more of Osaka than you have in all your years here. You've been living in a bubble. The only places you know are the hospital, the university and your apartment. Oh, and all the park benches in between those points. But I discovered a neat little place."
He snorted.
"Don't be like that. I had to make reservations so we get it to ourselves. Let's go." Her eyes softened. "There are things I need to tell you."
Ichigo didn't like the ominous sound of that. Reluctantly, he let her grab his hand as he was pushed out of the restaurant and hauled towards the nearest train station.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown;
Let us possess one world; each hath one, and is one.
"Where the hell are we?" Ichigo asked, slightly irritated. "This looks like the most boring neighborhood of the north."
Rukia checked the address in her pocket and continued walking. "Come on, it's here somewhere. It's small, it's easy to miss."
"And what are we looking for?"
"Ahh, here we are," Rukia was excited. "Come on, now."
She directed Ichigo towards what he felt was an oversized hollow block. Approaching it from the street, it didn't seem like anything special. Perhaps Rukia was pulling his leg.
They entered the most unconventional church he had ever seen in his life – perhaps the strangest building he's ever encountered (not counting the Shiba residence, of course.) The bare façade was perforated with holes at regular intervals. Ichigo didn't know if it was the latest trend in architecture or an abandoned construction job. The place was all sharp angles and stark, unrelieved concrete.
Rukia smiled at him ruefully as she pulled him in further, as they walked toward the bend in the entrance. The place seemed desolate; they were the only visitors.
Their footsteps were light against the natural wooden steps, as they descended into the main narrow hall and approached the center of the church.
Ichigo then realized why Rukia dragged him here.
Ichigo didn't know many Christians, but he was smart enough to know that most churches had a cross of some kind. This church – its cross was made entirely of daylight, filtering cleverly into the box-like structure. The light poured inside from the voids in the concrete walls. The little perforated holes added their own natural pin lights across the room.
It was all very Zen. The place was designed for meditation and soul-searching, after all. It was surely more sophisticated than any park bench he used for the same purpose.
Ichigo stopped dead in his tracks as Rukia walked ahead of him with a playful curl to her lips. She was walking backwards, her steps precise and careful as she descended the steps. She did not take her eyes off his face. She flung her arms out, her palms flat. She was dressed in sheer white.
Ichigo had seen this scene before. Before the pain of the Winter War, he had played it out in his head many times.
Rukia stopped right before she got to the front of the church. She was standing directly behind the cross of light; he could not see her face for the shadows.
"Ichigo, you know what this place is called?" she asked.
"No," he said hoarsely, watching her from a couple of wooden pews away.
Rukia smiled; at least, he thought she did. "It's called the Church of Light. It's one of the most famous landmarks here in Ibaraki. People travel from around the world to see it."
"It's an unusual place," he conceded.
"Does it remind you of anything?" she asked.
The light shifted behind Rukia; fast-moving clouds seemed to have blocked out the sun. Ichigo felt a bit claustrophobic and slightly ill at ease. He was remembering something from the past: their past.
"It looks like the scaffold of the Soukyoku," he said at last.
"It's close enough to the thing you destroyed," she said wryly. "I just wanted to remind you of that moment."
"Why?" Ichigo demanded. "Why remind me that of that time you almost died? Why remind me of the time I almost failed?"
"Because you didn't fail, and I didn't die," Rukia answered, lowering her arms. "You never fail."
"Yes I do," Ichigo muttered. "I failed to save Urahara and Inoue and they are dead. No, I think they are more than dead. I think their souls were unmade." There. He finally said it, out loud, after all these years.
"You didn't fail," Rukia replied stubbornly. "They chose to attack Aizen the way they did. The Winter War was won through them. You didn't fail then. What you're failing at… is living in the here and now, with me."
Ichigo's eyes bugged out.
Rukia beckoned him. "Come here. I have something to tell you."
Ichigo didn't move an inch. He was furious. Why had she brought him here? Was she trying to tell him that he wasn't making enough sacrifices for her? Was Rukia deliberately trying to pick a fight, in order to say that she didn't love him anymore?
"Ichigo," Rukia sighed. He looked so paralyzed with fear and petulance. How many times has he plastered that stupid look on his face, whenever she was going to tell him something important? She rubbed her eyes, exhausted, and then ran up to steps to stand before him again.
"Are you trying to break up with me?" his voice was cold. "Do you want to go back home? Is this what this trip's all about? You want to go back to Soul Society?"
"You're such an idiot," Rukia groaned. "If I wanted to do that, I would have left years ago without a word." She fumbled with her pocket and fished out something. "I'm not going to let you ruin the moment."
Then Rukia did what every man she'd ever met thought was impossible.
She knelt before him and gazed up. "Kurosaki Ichigo, will you marry me?"
Rukia held out a man's gold band in the palm of her joined hands. Her eyes were luminous yet betrayed apprehension.
Ichigo was stunned.
He blushed. He hadn't blushed in years. He crumbled inside. This was not happening. Wasn't there something totally wrong here?
Ichigo couldn't speak for a moment. He bent nearer to her but the words didn't come out. When he finally opened his mouth, he croaked. "I thought we were already engaged."
"How can we be engaged, when you never asked me?" she demanded. "Almost a decade I've been waiting, Ichigo. If you don't want to do this, tell me now."
He didn't know what to say.
There was nothing, he realized, that he could say.
Time stood still in the Church of Light.
Rukia's knees were beginning to creak. It's not right on a woman's joints, she thought, to kneel on hard wooden steps. She should have thought this out properly. He hadn't said anything and she was beginning to lose all sensation in her calves. And he still hadn't taken the ring from her outstretched hands.
"I guess you're trying to find a tactful way to say no," she said, crestfallen. "It's okay. I understand." She told herself that she wasn't going to cry if it came to this.
She pocketed the ring hurriedly. She started to get up from her awkward position when Ichigo grabbed her by the waist and pulled her up to her feet. He crushed her towards him in a tight embrace.
"I'm not saying no," his voice grumbled. "You just surprised the hell out of me, that's all." Ichigo swung her into his arms and carried her deftly to one of the pews in the back. Rukia clung to him. He could not see the relief etched on her face, as she burrowed her head in the hollow of his chest and breathed in his natural spice.
"Let me try on that thing you bought," he said, as she wordlessly slipped the ring on his finger. Rings weren't his style, but he will wear this one if it made her happy. "Wow. It fits."
Rukia smiled weakly. Abruptly, she started to weep.
"Hey, come on, don't cry," he pleaded with her. Ichigo hadn't seen her cry in ages. It made him feel helpless.
Rukia couldn't stop it. She felt so vulnerable all of the sudden. After years of being so strong for him and trying to be his anchor, she was exhausted. That's what she was trying to tell him: Stop withdrawing into yourself. Stop wallowing in old errors of judgment and nightmares. We cannot change the past but I cannot let you destroy our future. I love you but I am weary. I cannot do this anymore if you do not lend me your strength.
For the first time in years, Ichigo understood exactly what she was thinking. He didn't have any words left in him either, so he did the best he could do under the circumstances: he cradled her gently and comforted her. So many words were stuck in his throat. I am so sorry to cause you this much agony, Rukia. I love you. I demand too much from you and give so little in return.
Ichigo's hand curled around hers. Her fingers brushed against the cool metal on his ring finger.
Such a simple gesture yet Rukia could feel his energy flow into her steadily, as if feeding her spirit. His love began to course through her veins once more, warming her. It was like how it used to be, before the ravages of war preyed constantly on his mind, before he began to shut himself up and push everyone away, before he left to study so far away from Karakura.
Ichigo kissed her temple and one of her cheekbones. He had no excuses for his behavior.
The church was silent and tranquil. The only sounds were the light intake of their combined breathing.
They stayed like that for a long time, as the cross of light shifted, changed direction, and played with their eyesight. As twilight began to descend, and the cross was fading from view, Rukia knew they would have to move soon. But the solitude was peaceful here and she was just happy to be in his arms.
The stormy raging behind his brown eyes disappeared, leaving behind a calm sky. It was as if Ichigo was truly gazing upon her, with complete love and trust, for the first time in months.
It was as if a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders.
"I think we better go," Rukia said reluctantly.
Ichigo nodded. He got up but didn't put her down even if his arms were getting stiff from being in one position. "All this time I thought we were engaged, you know," he said quietly, as he threaded his way out of the church. "I thought… the day you left Soul Society with me, it was clear to you that you were spoken for."
"How could it be clear to me?" she arched an eyebrow over a tear-stained eye. "You were just standing there by the gate for ages. I just said I would come with you. You never said anything."
"But I assumed that…"
"That's your problem, Ichigo. You assume everyone knows your intentions. You assume you know what's best for everyone but you never inform them of your plans. You stopped… telling me things."
He bristled at the low blows. But deep in his heart, he cursed himself: she was right.
Rukia was relentless but her voice was low and soft. "Look. You never asked. You never gave me any token or made any promises. Nii-sama's been waiting for you to ask him formally for my hand in marriage. He's been remarkably patient." She did not explain why Nii-sama was patient. "I don't know. Maybe it's partly my fault, you knew early on I would always want to be with you. But even the strongest of ties need verbal confirmation."
"You've been with my family all this time, and…?"
"Ichigo, you never even asked me to be your girlfriend," Rukia said, exasperated with his immense stupidity. "You never asked me to move to Osaka with you. You never asked me to visit you every weekend. For all I knew, you thought I was a nakama with fringe benefits. You never say 'I love you' except in bed."
Ichigo was shaken. He never said I love you? He thought he did. He thought he said it all the time. Maybe he's been talking to himself all this time.
Her clasp on his arm tightened. "I thought I could be content with just that," she confessed. "I was, for a long time. But I'm not anymore. I'm always worried you'd meet someone else who didn't know everything you want to forget. I know you didn't make any friends out here, but I'm never sure."
God, Ichigo was dead embarrassed of himself. More than embarrassed: he was ashamed.
"I'm not sure if any other woman would want you with your current moodiness," Rukia added, "but someone might consider certain other factors worth a one night's stand." Factors like your doctor's coat and your muscular body, she added mentally. "Besides, you do cheer up after lots of sex."
Really, Ichigo felt he was not fit to grovel at the feet of this woman. He should cut himself down with his bankai except he knew he was fast enough to dodge his own blows. How could he have forgotten such an essential detail such as telling her they were in a strictly monogamous relationship since he first made love to her?
"Besides," she continued, "Why do you think all those guys in Karakura are hanging around the clinic? Keigo led them there, of course. He knew that you never asked."
Ichigo wanted to impale himself with Zangetsu. "I'm an idiot."
"Uryu's been saying that for ages," Rukia said dryly. "Chad agrees."
They were almost at the entrance, where a modernist park bench seemed to be waiting for them. He knew what he had to do.
Ichigo placed her down gently on the bench, in the center of the half-circle. Then he dropped to his knees and prostrated himself low before her, his forehead grazing the rough ground.
Rukia waited for his apology.
A full minute passed before Ichigo found the right words to say. "I apologize for the past ten years, for putting you through the worst relationship in the living world. I will change my ways and I will spend the rest of my time on earth making sure I never take you for granted again because I probably don't deserve your kind heart."
"Nine and a half," she corrected. "And…?"
It was hard to think while breathing in dust and gravel, but Ichigo did his best. "I promise to cherish you and protect you with every last drop of power in my body and my soul. In life and in death I will always be yours, if you will do me the honor of being mine."
He couldn't see it – his face was pressed to the ground, after all – but her ivory complexion tinged with a light blush.
She just needed to hear him say it, after all.
Ichigo paused. "On a lighter note, I will do my best never to jump to assumptions even if I'm dumb that way, and I promise never to joke about your height ever again. I cannot promise, however, not to make fun of your drawings. I will never let you own a pet rabbit either. I hope you can live with that. You can abuse me with everything else and I will take it."
Rukia was wistful. "It's nice to hear you grovel, but I guess that's fair enough. I don't know why, but I forgive you."
"I don't know why you forgive me either," he muttered. "Aren't you going to slap me around now?"
Rukia shook her head. "Oh, I stopped that a long time ago. Now get up. I don't want anyone else to see you like that."
Ichigo got up and she did likewise. Linking her arm with his, he still felt a sense of utter failure for being blind and uncommunicative. How could he have let Rukia wait so long for any security of affection and commitment from him? Why did he take her away from Soul Society only to subject her to this shabby treatment? And why did she put up with it? It was all a mystery.
To think, the entire time he had thought he was dedicating his life to her when it was the other way around. Exile was harder on Rukia because she gave up her way of life to be with him. Really, he was such a selfish bastard.
Ichigo would have the rest of his life trying to make it up to her - this lifetime and the next one, too.
"I'm sorry this was such a stupid afternoon," she said, apologetically. "We could have gone somewhere fun."
"No, it wasn't stupid, it was a good swift kick in the head," he replied. "Damn, I needed it."
Rukia smiled sweetly. "I know how you used to enjoy them."
"Of course I enjoyed you kicking me in the head. You always flashed me your black underwear."
Rukia dug a sharp elbow into his ribs but his lips still curled at the corners.
As they walked back to the train station, Ichigo had a thunderbolt of inspiration. "I only have three months left of internship," he said. "Maybe… maybe I should take a year off before doing my residency. Lots of people do that, take a break."
"Why take a whole year off? I thought you were in a hurry to finish."
"Because after this afternoon, I think you need to know that you're more important than my medical career."
"That's a relief," she said sarcastically.
"We can get hitched properly and have a long, good honeymoon," Ichigo declared, running his fingers through his ginger hair. "I don't want there to be any more doubts in Karakura or anywhere else about your availability. Until then, I definitely don't want Keigo or any other friend of his near you or the Kurosaki Clinic."
"That's fine with me," she shrugged. "You can beat him up along with all my other suitors, and then I can charge them double for therapy. It might just work. The money we earn can be our wedding fund."
He grinned. For some odd reason he liked the idea of beating up Keigo. It was so… nostalgic. "It's a deal then."
"Isshin's going to be ecstatic," Rukia reflected out loud. "I think I'm the only employee in Karakura with monthly contraceptive benefits."
Ichigo didn't quite hear that last bit. "Do you hear that?" He turned to cock his ear sideways.
"Not really," she strained to listen.
"The bells are ringing." The sound was no longer ominous and forbidding to his ears. "Someone's getting married, I suppose?"
Rukia wanted to hide her beaming satisfaction. "Yes, they are," she answered.
As they headed back to his apartment, intense joy filled Rukia's heart. All the past years of sacrifice on her part were not wasted. After a decade, he was finally going to come to terms with the past. He was going to pick up the pieces of his tempestuous life instead of merely sleepwalking through it.
She could finally tell Nii-sama and Renji that her self-appointed mission was fulfilled.
Her Ichigo was no longer stranded on the island of his own making, shipwrecked there due to consequences out of his control.
In place of isolation and loneliness, Ichigo was going to build bridges once more: to the mainland of the living world. One day he might even want to reach the coast of Soul Society again.
He will finally abandon his island, and together they will go exploring once more.