Basel, June 1941.
-I promise you that I am not a murderer, I had no choice.
I can't believe it, I knew it, I knew it all along, and yet I wanted not to believe it, to think that he would never be capable of doing that.
-Ruth, please answer me?
-Heinrich, what do you want me to say to that? I don't know what to tell you, I don't even know what to think anymore.
He moves closer to me, tucks one of my strands of hair behind my ear, I don't even react, I decide to ask the question that has been on my mind from the beginning.
-Have you hurt other people?
-What?
-You understood perfectly well, your past, you kept saying that you didn't want to talk about it, but does it involve the death of others?
-I don't think...
-Heinrich, you might as well confess everything to me, you can't hide anything from me anymore.
-I... I did the irreparable, Ruth, and I am sorry for it, please forgive me, I need it. He says, kneeling in front of me.
-What did you do?
-I had to shoot Jews.
My breathing stops.
I can't believe it, how could I have lived with a murderer, I am so ashamed of myself. What do I do now? I got my answer, but now, what can I do?
-I don't know what to answer you, I... I don't know what to do with you, I think I'm going to go to the bedroom, I don't want you to join me, and besides, I need you to stay away from me.
-Ruth, please, don't do this to me!
I stand up and head toward the bedroom. When I feel his hand grab my wrist.
-Ruth, please?
-Let go of me.
-Ruth, I need you, you can't leave me like this.
-I told you to let go of me.
-Ruth, I don't want to let go of you, if it means risking losing you.
-If you don't let go of me, you risk losing me while seeing me for the last time holding a rifle pointed at you, the one you used to kill poor innocents, so I don't want to see you anymore, Heinrich, and this is the last time I repeat myself.
He finally lets go of my wrist and lets me walk to the bedroom, I close the door behind me. My body falls heavily onto the bed, and the tears let themselves go. I no longer know what to think, besides, what am I supposed to do, comfort him, leave him. But where would I go? I can't take it anymore, I simply want to go back to before when everything was still normal, human.
I miss my parents so much, I need to be reassured, I need my mother and my father, I need to still be their daughter at least for this evening. I no longer know what to think, I don't understand why it is so hard to stay away from him, but if he was capable of hurting my people, he could very well do the same to me, nothing guarantees my safety. And yet I still want to be in his arms, I want to find the innocence we had at the beginning. I wish we could live the way it was supposed to be written, that Heinrich and I would get married, start a family.
Why can't I live like that? Why don't I deserve it?