That night, I lay on the folding bed, staring at the ceiling, too aware of Alice just a few feet away.
What's most irritating is that I'm the only one embarrassed about this whole arrangement, while she seems completely at ease.
"You awake?" she whispered suddenly from the couch.
"Yes," I muttered, annoyed, though my voice came out softer than I intended.
"Good. Just checking. Can't have you plotting to overthrow me in my own flat."
I sat up slightly, squinting through the dim light. "Overthrow you? I barely survived the walk here without tripping over my own feet. I'm not plotting anything."
"Sure, sure. That's what they all say before they raid my snack drawer," she replied with mock suspicion.
I tried to ignore her playful jab, but she kept going.
"Don't think I didn't notice you glancing at the bed like it's a booby trap. Relax. It doesn't bite."
"It's not the bed I'm worried about," I muttered. "It's sharing a room with a girl I barely know."
"Ah," she said, her tone softening. "You mean sharing a room with me. Don't worry. I'm harmless."
A short pause. Then, teasing again, "Mostly."
I groaned into my pillow. "Mostly?"
"Mostly," she confirmed, grinning in the dark. "You'll see."
The room went quiet for a while. Only the faint hum of the city outside filled the silence, cars and voices blending into something strangely comforting.
"You cook tomorrow, right?" she murmured, half-asleep.
"Non-negotiable," I said, trying to sound firm, though my chest tightened.
Lena used to love my cooking.
No, don't think about her. Not tonight. Not before I know the whole story. What's the point in torturing myself by imagining a hundred reasons why she might have left me?
"Fine," Alice whispered. "I'll mop. Just don't burn the flat down."
A humorless laugh escaped me. "No promises."
Even in this cramped little room, with a stranger who talked too much, the teasing felt like warmth.
Maybe surviving college, surviving this city, surviving life itself… could be easier with someone like her around. But I'm not sure whether I really want such a friend in my life right now.
Tomorrow I'll find Lena, and hopefully she'll ease up my mind by saying all I saw today was a lie. That she's still mine.
And with that foolish and fragile hope, my eyes finally closed, the tension easing just enough to let me drift into a restless, but slightly lighter sleep.
⟡ ✧ ⟡
The next day at college, I didn't have to look for Lena.
She was standing by the edge of the quad, sunlight catching her hair in that way that used to make me believe in impossible things.
She looked smaller. Fragile, almost. Like something that had already been broken once and was waiting for it to happen again.
When her eyes met mine, she froze. I stopped too. For a second, I thought she might run. Instead, she took a breath and came closer.
"Ash," she said softly. "Please… just listen."
I wanted to walk away, even though I was sleepless all night waiting for a chance to talk to her, to ask her why she did this to me. But I couldn't. Because no matter what she had done, part of me still turned to her like gravity.
"I'm sorry," she said, voice trembling. "I never wanted you to find out like that."
"Find out what?" I asked, even though I already knew.
She looked down, twisting her fingers. "That I'm with Samuel now."
The world tilted.
For a moment, I just stood there, staring. Trying to make the words mean something else. Anything else.
"You're with him," I said slowly. "You're serious."
She nodded. "It just… happened."
I let out a short, hollow laugh. "People don't just happen, Lena."
Tears filled her eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I swear I didn't."
"Then why does it feel like you did?" My voice cracked, sharp and quiet all at once.
She stepped forward. "I tried to stop it, Ash. I tried to stay away."
"Then why didn't you?"
There was a long pause. Then, her lips trembled. "I'm sorry... I know I'm wrong. But I still need you. You're my best friend. Please Ash, I can't lose you too!"
The words hit harder than anything else.
Her voice shook, and for a second I almost reached for her. Almost.
"Lena," I said, forcing air into my lungs, "you can't love him and still need me. It doesn't work like that."
Her tears spilled. "I don't know how to stop needing you."
I wanted to tell her I didn't know how to stop either.
But all I managed was a whisper. "You already did."
She blinked, her breath catching. "Please don't say that."
I looked at her, really looked at her, the trembling hands, the wet lashes, the way sunlight still found her beautiful even when she was breaking me.
Her eyes pleaded with me, and all the anger and hurt I had bottled up came roaring like a tidal wave. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her she was tearing me apart. I wanted to tell her to stop.
Instead, my voice came out flat, quiet, almost a shadow of the man I used to be. "Whatever you wish."
The words hung between us, small and final.
It wasn't forgiveness.
It wasn't peace.
It was surrender disguised as kindness.
I let her hand slip from mine, and it felt like letting go of something I'd been holding my whole life.
Her tears caught the sunlight, turning into tiny shards of memory.
I turned away before I could change my mind. Something inside me broke quietly, deep where no one would ever see.
I didn't look back.
But I memorized her anyway. The way her hair moved in the wind. The way her shoulders shook. The way the light still dared to love her.
Because even when everything else is gone, I will still remember her like this.
Beautiful. Unreachable.
And no longer mine.