Ethan Knox - August 2120
I can't breathe. I'm trying to drag in air but every second it gets harder, like my lungs have just… given up. My eyes water and my heart is thundering like it's trying to escape my chest.
I push at the weight on top of me, not that it does much. He's heavy, solid, stubborn.
"Kai!" I finally manage to gasp.
He finally stops kissing me and pulls back just enough to look down at me.
My heart is still going wild.
"I need to breathe" I wheeze between huffs of air.
His hair is hanging in messy strands over his face, stuck up in places by sweat. His lips are bright red from kissing and his eyes... They're hooded. Hungry. He's looking at me like I'm a full-course meal and suddenly every nerve in my body is screaming for him to come back down again.
I don't really need to breath, that's okay.
I reach up to stroke his cheek, and he leans into my hand like I've just cast a spell on him. Honestly, the way he melts, it does things to me. Dangerous things. If I let myself fall into that gaze, I'm done.
Nope. No, Ethan. Think. Oxygen first.
"Just one more time?" I ask sweetly, because apparently my survival instincts have vacated the premises entirely.
He turns and presses a kiss to my palm.
Brilliant. Fantastic. Absolutely unfair. How am I supposed to say no when he does that?
Ever since he finally let his walls down a few days ago, and that night we... he's been so affectionate. Shockingly affectionate. Not that I'm complaining. In the bedroom, he's open, warm, almost greedy for closeness. But outside, he sticks close but keeps the rest of the world at arm's length, like he isn't quite ready for them to know the real him.
"We've already done it twice and we haven't even had breakfast yet" I say, still panting. "And all last night. I do not have your stamina!"
I flop my hand down dramatically to prove just how deeply exhausted and tragically delicate I am.
He glances down at me, and for a second something like sadness flickers in his eyes. Then he lowers his head onto my shoulder.
I wrap my arms around him instantly, pulling him in, and he tilts his head so his breath warms my neck.
"I did try to get you to come to the running track with me" he murmurs. "You always say no."
"That's because your insane standards of stamina are not normal" I tease, reaching up to squish his cheek. "Don't pretend running around some ancient school track would magically make me able to keep up with… you."
Kai lifts his head just enough to look at me again, his fringe falling back into his eyes. I didn't realise how long it was since he usually has it pushed back. Maybe I should take him to town for a hair cut… actually, no. I like it like this. Messy and so soft.
"I don't have insane standards" he mutters, which is exactly the sort of thing someone with insane standards would say.
I grin. "Kai, you ran ten kilometres before breakfast yesterday. For fun. That is not normal behaviour."
His lips twitch like he's fighting a smile, but he looks away, embarrassed. "It clears my head."
"You know what clears mine?" I say, raising both brows. "Sleeping."
He huffs, the closest he gets to laughing when he's flustered, and he nudges his forehead gently against my shoulder, like he's trying to hide in me.
God, he's adorable.
I trace little circles on his back. "Hey," I murmur, softer now, "what's wrong?"
He stiffens. Just a little, but enough for me to feel it.
"I didn't mean to… push you" he says quietly. "I just… wanted to be close to you."
My chest squeezes. "Kai" I breathe, cupping his jaw so he has to look at me. "You are allowed to want that."
His eyes flicker, dark, uncertain and he leans into my touch again like he can't stop himself.
"I just… don't want to hurt you" he murmurs.
I smooth my thumb over his cheekbone, feeling the tension there, the way he's trying so hard to hold himself together.
"Kai," I say softly, "you're not going to hurt me."
He swallows, eyes searching mine like he's terrified he'll see fear there, but there isn't any. Not even a trace.
"You don't understand" he whispers. "Sometimes I forget how strong I am and I can feel my shadows stirring uncontrollably. I don't want to-"
I cut him off by gently taking his hands and placing them on my waist.
"Then learn with me" I say. "If you're too strong or shadows stir, I'll tell you. If you're doing too much, I'll tell you. And if I don't…" I lean in, brushing my forehead against his. "Then trust me. Trust me to say stop."
His breath catches, actually catches, like the idea of me choosing him is still something he doesn't quite believe.
I smile and bump my nose lightly against his. "Besides, you'd never hurt me on purpose. You're too… you."
He blinks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Too soft," I whisper.
He looks scandalised. "I'm not soft"
"You literally nuzzle me like a cat when you're overwhelmed."
"I do not-"
"Sweety, you're nuzzling me right now."
He freezes, realising his forehead is still pressed to my shoulder. I feel him go warm, embarrassingly, endearingly warm and he pulls back a fraction, but not far enough to actually leave.
"…I like being close to you" he admits, voice barely above a breath.
The honesty of it hits me like a punch straight to the heart.
"And I like when you're close," I say. "So don't run from me, okay? Not when you're scared. Especially not then."
He looks at me like I've just handed him something precious, something he isn't sure he deserves.
"Okay" he whispers.
I grin, leaning in to kiss the tip of his nose because it makes him flustered in a way I find unreasonably charming.
"Good. Now come here."
He does, slowly, carefully, resting his forehead against mine again, like he's learning how to let himself to want things.
And I wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him fully into me, and he melts, against my chest, his hands sliding around my waist, holding me like I'm something he's finally allowed to keep.
"Now come on" I say, brushing my fingers along his arm with a little grin, "let's get ready and have breakfast. I'm starving."
He hesitates, of course he does, clinging to me for one more second like letting go might make me disappear.
But I give him a gentle shove, playful and warm, and he finally releases a slow breath and lets me go.
It's reluctant, but he does it.And the way his hand lingers at my waist before it falls away makes my heart flutter stupidly.
__________________________
"You two haven't even left crumbs," Miriam says, hands on her hips. "Must've worked up quite an appetite." She adds a wink for good measure.
I shoot her the deadliest look I can manage, which, realistically, isn't very deadly, but then I glance at Kai and nearly choke on my own laughter. He's gone bright red, ears and all, and immediately looks away like eye contact might finish him off.
Miriam clocks it instantly and cackles before scooping up our plates and heading off.
I slide a little closer and gently tug Kai's arm so he looks at me. "Hey," I say, grinning up at him, "don't worry. She's just teasing you."
His shoulders are tense, and he murmurs, "Is it that obvious?"
I soften immediately. Poor guy looks like he wants to sink straight through the floorboards.
"Kai," I say gently, nudging his knee with mine, "you turn bright red when my hand brushes against yours down the corridor. Of course she knew."
He groans quietly and covers his face with his hand, which is honestly impressive, considering this is the same man who can walk through a battlefield of emotions without showing a single flicker on his face. But flustering? Oh no. That defeats him instantly.
"Hey, hey-" I tug his hand down and hold it between both of mine. "Look at me."
He does, reluctantly, eyes dark and embarrassed, the tiniest crack in his usually unshakeable composure.
"It's not a bad thing," I say with a soft smile. "Honestly, it's cute."
His blush somehow deepens. Truly astonishing especially after seeing him so closed off for so long.
"Ethan…" he mumbles, like he's begging me not to make it worse, which I absolutely will, because he's adorable and my self-control is questionable at best.
I squeeze his hand. "I'm serious. You think being a bit flustered is embarrassing? I think it's one of the best parts of you."
He stares at me, thrown off balance by sincerity, it always hits him harder than anything else, slipping right past all those walls he keeps so carefully built.
I lean in, lowering my voice. "And, by the way, she wasn't teasing because we're obvious. She was teasing because she likes you."
He blinks. "Miriam likes me?"
"Of course she does!" I laugh. "You're… you. You help her carry heavy things even when she insists she's fine. You say thank you every time she hands you food. You're polite. You're quiet. You're weirdly good at cutting onions."
His brows pinch in confusion. "That's not a reason to like someone."
"It absolutely is," I insist. "People love you here, Kai. You just don't notice."
He looks away again, but this time it isn't embarrassment, more like he's trying to make sense of what I just said.
I bump my shoulder into his. "And also," I add casually, "It's probably casue you're fit."
Kai chokes on absolutely nothing.
I grin, victorious.
As Kai chokes on air, Jack suddenly appears next to me out of thin air, and I practically jump out of my skin.
"Christ, Jack! When did you get here?" I clutch my chest, heart hammering.
Jack's completely unfazed, casually munching on an apple as he points at Kai.
"What's his deal?" he asks, crunching down like the question is more for seasoning than information.
I grin, nudging Kai lightly. "He's just realised people actually like him here."
Jack keeps eating, eyes fixed on Kai like he's observing some rare wildlife.
"Bit of a dramatic reaction" Jack comments finally. "He should just be glad he's off my watch list now."
I roll my eyes. "And what exactly do you want, anyway?"
"Edmund said he wants to speak to Kai," Jack replies, finishing his bite and tossing the core into the bin.
Kai straightens up slowly, brushing imaginary dust off his shirt, eyes avoiding mine as he swallows.
"Oh okay. I'll… go see him," he murmurs quietly.
I can't help the small frown that tugs at my face. "Oh, alright" I say, trying to keep my tone light, but there's a sting of annoyance I can't quite hide. "I'll see you afterwards"
He nods and goes to move away, but quickly turns towards me to move a strand of hair out my face. "See you in a bit" he says before he turns and leaves.
I watch Kai move away, his steps careful and measured, as if he's trying not to disturb the world around him. My chest feels tight, and I have to bite my lip to stop myself from calling him back.
Kai still hasn't told me what he's going to talk about with Edmund, and it's driving me a little nuts. My stomach twists in knots, and I can't help fidgeting like a child waiting for a present.
I try to play it cool, lean back, and act like I don't care, but every time I catch a glimpse of him walking away, my chest tightens.
"What are you not telling me, huh?" I mutter under my breath, half to myself, half in frustration.
The truth is, I'm nervous. Not for him, exactly, he can handle himself but for the little part of me that hates not knowing. That hates feeling powerless when all I want is to protect him, or at least be there for him.
What if Edmund is trying to push him into the revolution?
I groan, sinking into my seat. Maybe I should just ask.