September 7th, 1992, Monday
I took a long, sinful sip of my extra-chocolatey mokaccino while waiting for my students to arrive. The taste was heavenly, the sugar overwhelming, and I knew with absolute certainty that Gilderoy Lockhart, two hours from now, would deeply regret this decision when he needs to squat on the toilet with a stomachache. But that was his problem not mine.
"Tempus."
A flick of my wand revealed the time. Almost class, perfect.
With a wave, the curtains drew themselves shut, swallowing the classroom in shadow. I then cracked open the concealed door that connected to the Room of Requirement, letting a slow, ghostly fog roll into the room. The mist curled along the floor and up the desks, carrying the earthy scent of damp moss and stagnant water. For ambience, I lit the chandelier's candles with blue fire. Their cold light shimmered through the haze, painting the stone walls with a spectral glow.
Just as the atmosphere settled into delicious eeriness, the first students appeared.
Marietta Edgecombe froze at the threshold, staring wide-eyed into the fog-filled classroom. Behind her, Cho Chang leaned forward to peek inside, and promptly went pale.
I took another leisurely sip of mokaccino. "Ladies," I called, gesturing them in with theatrical calm, "there's nothing to fear. I simply thought it proper to set the mood for today's lesson."
They both jumped, then blushed when they recognized their handsome teacher rather than some lurking specter.
"G-good morning, Professor Lockhart," Marietta said quickly, fluttering her eyelashes. Cho followed with a polite smile that almost masked her nerves.
The rest of the class trickled in, each student pausing at the door to take in the scene. When Cormac McLaggen finally stepped through, the door slammed shut behind him with a bang. The poor boy let out a shriek so high-pitched it might've cracked glass.
"Excellent reflexes, Mr. McLaggen," I said, beaming. "Always good to be alert." His classmates roared with laughter.
Once everyone had found their seats, I strode to the center of the room, forest green robes swishing dramatically. "Well then! Since this is our first class together, allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League; five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, and, naturally, the finest Defence Against the Dark Arts professor you'll ever have." I finish with my most charming smile.
The girls giggled; a few sighed dreamily. It never gets old.
"Now," I continued, "normally I'd begin with a small diagnostic quiz, but since you're all big, brave third-years, I think a practical exercise would be more enlightening. If you've kept up with your reading, you'll do splendidly. If not…" I smiled sweetly. "Well, you'll remember to study next time."
The Gryffindors groaned. Music to my ears.
I clapped my hands. The sound echoed sharply off the walls. "Up, everyone!"
Desks scraped, chairs toppled, and one poor lad, Eddie Carmichael, nearly lost his wand trying to stand.
"I've brought along a harmless little creature," I said cheerfully. "And prepared a small test. For those who studied ahead, this will be simple. For those who didn't…" I let the sentence hang ominously.
Half the class gulped. The mist thickened around their ankles.
Katie Bell, naturally, was grinning ear to ear, positively vibrating with excitement. Definitely an adrenaline junkie, which shouldn't have come as a surprise considering she's part of her house Quidditch team, a Gryffindor through and through.
"The task is simple," I said, gesturing to the door now glowing faintly in the fog. "Enter that room and reach the end of the path, preferably without dying. I'll be waiting for you at the other side."
There was a collective murmur. I raised a hand to quiet them down. "You'll go one at a time. Every two minutes, another student follows. Miss Bell."
Katie straightened. "Yes, Professor?"
"You'll ensure everyone enters at the correct intervals. You'll be the last to go."
She looked briefly disappointed at not being the first, but then saluted with comical seriousness. "Yes, sir!"
I chuckled. "Excellent spirit. Now, line up, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Gryffindor. One from each house, in that order."
With a flourish, I cast a visible timer into the air. "Two minutes between each. Miss Bell, start the first when the clock strikes two minutes. I'll see you all on the other side."
And with that, I swept through the door, vanishing into the fog.
…
"Hopkins, your turn," Katie announced as the timer neared two minutes.
Carl Hopkins, a nervous Hufflepuff boy, swallowed hard. "Right. Just-just a moment to get in the mood."
"You don't need to get in the mood," a Gryffindor boy muttered. "It's not a date in a broom cupboard."
"Shut it, McLaggen!" Carl snapped, face red. He squared his shoulders. "Wish me luck." Then he stepped through the door.
Immediately, a wall of damp air hit him. The smell of wet earth and decay filled his nose. Before him stretched a ghostly marsh, shrouded in fog so thick he could barely see his own hand.
"Bloody hell," he whispered. "A marsh? Inside Hogwarts? How did he…?" He hesitated. "Right… magic."
He took a cautious step forward, and yelped as his leg sank to the knee in icy water. Flailing, he scrambled back onto drier ground.
"Bollocks, that's real?" He shook his leg, grimacing as his shoe squelched. "Brilliant. Just brilliant."
With a muttered "Lumos," he raised his wand, casting a weak cone of light that barely reached a foot ahead. Each step was agony. The soft croak of unseen frogs and the splash of something moving nearby set his nerves on edge. He felt eyes watching him from the mist.
After what felt like an eternity, a pale glow flickered ahead, gentle, inviting. "Finally," he breathed. "That must be the end."
He hurried forward, forgetting caution, and the ground gave way. Panic surged as he began to sink into a patch of quicksand. He thrashed, clawing at the mud, but it only dragged him down faster.
"Help! Professor Lockhart!"
Out of the fog emerged a small, flickering figure, a creature of blue and white smoke with a single leg and a tiny lantern clutched in its spindly hands. Its light wavered like a will-o'-the-wisp.
Carl's heart sank. "A Hinkypunk…"
Just as the mud swallowed him to the neck, an invisible force yanked him free. He soared through the air, landed in a heap at his teacher's feet, and looked up into his dazzling smile.
…
"Fear not," I said grandly, "for I am here."
The boy blinked up at me, drenched and wide-eyed, as I radiated heroic reassurance. It's a gift, really.
An hour later, I stood before a semicircle of dripping students. Only five were still dry, those who had recognised the creature immediately thanks to reading ahead. Unsurprisingly, three Ravenclaws and two Slytherins.
"Well done," I announced. "Cho Chang, Marietta Edgecombe, and Marcus Belby of Ravenclaw, and Sebastian Selwyn and Winifred Avery of Slytherin, all unscathed."
"And last but not least," I added, turning toward the lone, waterlogged Gryffindor, "Miss Katie Bell, who, despite appearances, did not fall for the Hinkypunk's tricks."
Katie grinned triumphantly, water dripping from her hair. Of course, the only reason she hadn't been fooled was that she'd charged through the marsh at full speed, leaping over puddles and diving through the water like it was Quidditch practice. Still, points for enthusiasm.
With a casual flick of my wand, a quivering Hinkypunk floated toward me and settled meekly at my side. Its lantern guttered nervously. One flare of my magic and it froze in place, subdued.
"As you can see, this little cutie was the architect of your soggy misfortune. Miss Chang, would you do the honours?"
Cho stepped forward, a touch of pride in her voice. "Of course, Professor. The Hinkypunk is a non-being, no one really knows how they're born. They are known to lure travellers into swamps with their lanterns, only to lead them to their deaths."
"Marvelous answer, Miss Chang. Five points to Ravenclaw."
I turned back to the class. "Now then. The best way to deal with a Hinkypunk is, quite simply, don't follow the light." I smiled at the collective blushes from those who had. "But if you must confront one, don't waste energy flinging random spells, as most will pass through its smoky body. You'll need a strong light spell, such as Lumos Duo or Lumos Maxima, to make it solid first. Then, any decent jinx or curse will do."
"I recommend the Stunning Charm, though it's a fifth-year spell. So for you lot, a good Knockback Jinx will suffice. Just be prepared to dodge the fireballs, as they're surprisingly cranky when illuminated."
With a simple thought to the room, the marsh melted away. The fog cleared, leaving a bare stone chamber once more. The students looked around in awe. Hogwarts' magic seldom lost its shine.
I led them back through the connecting door, which vanished seamlessly as it closed.
"That will be all for today," I said cheerfully. "But before you go, homework! I want a list of ten spells you think could be effective against a Hinkypunk, with explanations. And you may not use the ones I've already mentioned. Now off you go!"
The students departed, dripping and laughing, chattering about the lesson.
I waved my wand to draw back the curtains and banish the puddles, then leaned back in my chair, folding my hands behind my head.
"I have to admit," I murmured, smiling to myself, "I'm really enjoying this job."
…