Adrian's grip on my arms made my skin crawl. I had never felt such disgust in my life. All I had ever felt for him was adoration and love, and now I could barely look at him without wanting to throw up.
His clothes were half-on, like he had pulled them together in a hurry to chase after me.
"What were you doing there? Were you following me?" he demanded.
His smell turned my stomach. It was sweat and sex and that perfume Lena always drowned herself in.
I couldn't deny it.
Lena wanted me to see. She wanted me there. The thought hit me again, sharp as glass. The two people I loved most had done this to me.
"Why?" The word came out broken. That was when I realized I was crying, the tears already sliding down my cheeks.
I hit his chest with both hands. "Why? Why? How could you do this to me, Adrian? You lied to me. You told me we were a team. You told me—" A sob tore out of me before I could finish.
He sneered. "You always love playing the victim, Star. You ever think maybe it's your own fault?"
"My fault?" I stared at him.
"Yes, your fault, Star. You let yourself go. I mean, look at yourself. Who would want to have sex with that? What did you expect me to do, force myself? Haven't I already put up with enough for you? Choosing you when you're not even pretty, still sleeping with you even when you just lay there like a dead fish."
"How—" I started, my voice breaking.
"You." His voice rose, shutting me up instantly. "You don't know what I've put up with for you. If you didn't want me to be with other women, maybe you should've tried harder to keep me interested."
The tears wouldn't stop. Every word he said dug into the parts of me I already hated, every insecurity I'd ever had spilling open again. Even though I was willing to do anything to satisfy him. Even though it hurt every time we did it. Even though I tried.
It really didn't matter, did it?
"If you wanted to sleep with any other woman, why did it have to be Lena. She's my best friend and my family, why did you do—"
"You should be grateful it's Lena," he cut me off.
"What?"
"You should be grateful it was Lena and not someone else. At least Lena is doing you a favor, letting me sleep with her instead of another woman."
I blinked at him, my chest tightening until it hurt.
"You couldn't even do your wifely duties, and now you're mad I'm getting it from someone else? Didn't I tell you to learn to be more like Lena? If you were even an inch as interesting as her, I wouldn't have to. But it's just like you, Star, to blame everyone else for your own mistakes."
"Adrian, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm not the wife you wanted, but I'm trying, I really am. I'm always putting you first. I'm always—"
"You don't try hard enough," he cut in, his words sharp and blunt.
"Why did it have to be Lena? Adrian, I could look past any other woman, but with Lena I can't."
His laugh was cruel. "Isn't that just because you're jealous of her?"
Was I jealous of her? Was this all because of that? Watching him praise her, watching the way his eyes softened when he looked at her. Was I just jealous?
There was a part of me I kept trying to ignore, a quiet voice I hated to admit was true. That I wished I was as pretty as her, maybe as confident, maybe even sexy enough for him to find me appealing. That even for a moment, I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at her.
"Maybe you're right," I whispered, more to myself. "But I don't want you seeing Lena again. Please tell her not to come by the house. You can be with other women; I'll turn a blind eye. Adrian, I can give you anything, anything you want, but don't see Lena anymore. Please."
He scoffed. "Now you don't want Lena around anymore? Some friend you are. I guess everyone else still falls for your good-girl act except me."
I didn't respond.
"You know Lena doesn't have a family, and now that Mom, Dad, and Vivi want her around, you want her isolated."
"What about me then, Adrian? What about me?" My voice cracked. "Haven't I given enough?"
"Lena stays. Maybe if you acted better, this would have never happened. Maybe then I wouldn't have had to sleep with her."
"Adrian, I'm begging you. I'll do anything you want, but please, leave Lena."
He looked at me like I was something beneath him. "Look here, Star. I don't owe you anything."
His words hit harder than any slap. For a moment, I couldn't breathe. My thoughts spiraled — our vows, his promises, everything he'd said about loving and protecting me.
Why was he doing this to me? To us?
"Then do it for our baby," I said finally, my voice breaking on the last word.
His phone rang, and I saw the caller ID. That familiar name. Lena.
The name that had always looked so harmless on his screen felt different now. The nagging feeling hit me all at once. She wasn't calling me. She wasn't chasing after me to say it was a mistake, to say she was sorry, that it would never happen again.
That I had seen wrong when our eyes met in that room.
"We will talk about this later," he said, already turning away and already gone. He ran back toward the apartment, leaving me standing there in the middle of the street.
I watched him disappear, the false sun slipping behind the clouds as the rain started again. It washed over me, down my face, over my trembling hands. I wished it could wash away everything else too — the pain, the humiliation, and that hollow feeling I'd been carrying for so long.
And beneath the pain, there was a feeling I had never known how to name.
But one that settled as I walked back home in the rain.