I stood outside the hospital's entrance staring at the sliding doors. They opened and closed as people entered and exited around me. Today was meant to mark my first prenatal appointment, but my feet were glued to the pavement outside, and instead of moving, all I could do was stand there, staring.
I had let two more weeks pass without telling a single soul I was pregnant. After my first pregnancy test, I had purchased two more, praying they would somehow give me the opposite results, but they had all been positive. The words 'pregnant' on the third pregnancy test, with information about how far along I was meant to be written at the bottom, had been enough confirmation. Time was ticking, and I could no longer afford to be 'delulu', as Elodie usually said.
I took a few deep breaths, and, on my fourth exhale, I walked through the open doors, announcing my arrival at the reception. The nonchalant receptionist, who made no effort to make eye contact with me as she took my information, typed my details into the hospital's system and confirmed my appointment. Still not making eye contact, she asked me to take a seat and wait for my name to be called. Maybe she had worked for several hours today, which explained the lack of eye contact. I decided to give her grace.
Fearing my parents would find out about my pregnancy — either through one of their doctor friends or someone else who couldn't resist gossip — I'd opted for a public hospital a few towns away from Grimwald. The hospital was a decent size, and there weren't too many people in the waiting area. At least I didn't have to fear meeting anyone I knew, and that filtered out potential gossipers.
A draft swooped through the waiting area each time the automatic sliding doors opened to welcome new visitors. Shivering, I pulled my cardigan closed as I watched some of the women around me.
Some of them had small children trailing behind them, and others were alone. Very few of them were with a partner. I bit my lip as I thought about the many times I would have to attend these appointments by myself. It was unlikely I'd ever share them with Philipé, worst of all, my parents. They would probably disown me for being the only one in our family to get pregnant before marriage.
Worst-case scenario, Philipé's father might offer to pay me off to get rid of my pregnancy, something I had been quietly considering, anyway. One of the small children in the waiting room — a little boy, probably no older than two years —tripped and fell, sending a toy he had held in his hand flying in my direction, and skidding underneath my seat. Instinctively, I ran to his rescue, picking him up and dusting off his knees. Still on my hands and knees, I reached under my seat and picked up the toy he'd dropped, handing it to him. To my surprise, instead of crying, he smiled, accepted the toy and ran toward his mother, who offered several apologies.
"It's okay," I assured her, smiling.
As I went to sit back down, my name was called.
"Is this your first pregnancy?" My midwife asked me once I was seated. She closed the door and sat down in her office chair, her eyes smiling with the rest of her face, unlike the receptionist back in the waiting room.
"Yes." I folded my hands in my lap so I wouldn't start fidgeting. Apart from being overcome by dread over my bleak future, I was also extremely nervous about my appointment.
She clapped her hands together. "Great. I'm Sue, and I'll be filling you in on the important things, then I'll examine the foetus, find out how far along you are, and determine the due date. Is that okay with you?"
Unsure of what to say, I nodded, relieved she hadn't asked me any questions about where, or who, the father of my baby was or why I'd shown up by myself. I felt no judgement from her, and I was grateful for it.
I listened intently and wide-eyed as she bombarded me with all kinds of information, asking me a few questions as she went along. If it hadn't been for my pregnancy, looking up half the things she had mentioned would have been a distant thought.
I thought about the times when Elodie and I had rolled our eyes at little babies crying hysterically on buses or toddlers having tantrums smack dab in the middle of shopping malls (as soon as she'd turned eighteen, she had immediately got her driver's licence and bought a car, while I chose to continue riding the bus to be environmentally friendly — occasionally allowing myself to ride with Elodie), and wondered what she would think of becoming an auntie.
"I know that's a lot of information in one go, so, not to worry, my number and email address are at the bottom of your prescription note. You can call me anytime during working hours, or outside if it's urgent, and I'll do my best to answer any questions." She held out a small slip to me. I took the slip and peered at it, baffled. She had managed to type out my prescription and print out the piece of paper while I'd been lost in thought.
"Prenatal vitamins are non-negotiable in my opinion. If you want the baby to be as healthy as possible, taking the vitamins I've prescribed daily is a must." She flashed her teeth at me, and I nodded, even though my mind was somewhere else. "I'm going to ask you to remove your jeans and underwear, lie down on the examination table behind the curtains over there, and cover yourself with a thin sheet of paper. When you've done that, just give me a shout, and I'll come round and have a look at the little nugget." She pointed at the table in the corner of the room, covered by a white cloth, some of its dark-blue colour peaking out on either side. I obeyed.
Once I'd done as instructed, Sue joined me on the other side of the curtain and perched on a stool next to a computer with a wand-like stick attached to it. I stayed silent as she lifted the wand, covered it with a condom and slathered it in clear gel. She told me to part my legs and relax, assuring me it wouldn't hurt, although it might feel a bit cold and uncomfortable.
As she slid the wand between my folds, I flinched. "It's okay … juuust relax," she said, moving the object further inside as she examined the picture on the computer screen. I followed her serious gaze, curiosity getting the best of me.
"You see that tiny little sack there?" I followed her finger to the dark image on the screen, a small, hollow space with a little, grey object inside. "Your foetus, likely as tiny as a mustard seed at this point, can be spotted right there." She pointed at the small grey dot, which seemed to be throbbing. All I could do was stare, completely mesmerised.
"You're approximately six weeks pregnant. Were you aware of that?"
I shook my head, my eyes widening. How had I gone six whole weeks without knowing a tiny human being was growing inside me?
"That's okay. You're not the first," she said, smiling. "You likely won't be the last either." Sue spent the next few minutes measuring the foetus. It was healthy and a decent size, she had said, instructing me to maintain a healthy diet and, 'for the love of all things holy', not to skip my prenatal vitamins.
At the end of the appointment, I was handed a picture of my scan, provided with a rough due date, and told when my next appointment would be.
I stared at the scan while I stood in the queue to collect my prescribed vitamins at the pharmacy, and stared at it some more on the bus ride back to Grimwald. Once my stop was called, I stuffed the piece of paper into my bag and hurried off, completely oblivious to my surroundings, the stranger behind me, or the way my life would change for the worse in just a couple more hours.