Lu Zhao had always believed himself as straight as a ruler, harboring a visceral aversion to any feelings between men that transcended friendship. Gu Xun's presence initially felt like an invisible pressure to him. That face, too beautiful for comfort, and Jiang Jin's almost unabashedly intense gaze made Lu Zhao uneasy, driving him to flee. His decision to move out of the dorm before the apocalypse was the most direct manifestation of this mindset.
When the apocalypse struck and supernatural abilities awoke, the instinct for survival overpowered everything else. He found himself relying on Gu Xun's calm decision-making and healing abilities, as well as Jiang Jin's formidable firepower. Yet deep down, a barrier remained between him and Gu Xun—a barrier named "fear." It wasn't fear of Gu Xun himself, but fear of that category of emotion he couldn't comprehend and refused to accept, with Gu Xun as its potential focal point.
The true turning point began on the night of their rupture.
When he witnessed Jiang Jin pin Gu Xun against the wall, attempting to force himself upon him with brute violence, an emotion far more primal and intense than mere "homophobia" erupted within him—it was rage, a loathing for the act of coercion itself, an instinctive urge to protect a comrade from violation.
The figure he had subconsciously "feared" transformed before his eyes into a vulnerable victim in need of protection. And the one inflicting harm was Jiang Jin, who embodied a certain kind of "masculine power." This stark contrast struck him like a heavy hammer, shattering the simplistic, crude label he had held in his heart.
It turned out that danger never stemmed from any particular emotion, but from the evil and prejudice lurking within the human heart.
The escape became a journey of reshaping his understanding.
He witnessed Gu Xun's resilience beneath the icy exterior. Though drained by his powers and pale-faced, he never ceased guiding their path; even in dire straits, he maintained calm analysis, seeking any glimmer of hope. This strength differed from Jiang Jin's destructive fire—it was an introverted, reassuring power.
He also witnessed Gu Xun's tenderness. It lay in the half-biscuit offered, in the focused gaze while tending his wounds, in the stubborn insistence on sharing night watch duties despite weakness. This tenderness demanded nothing in return, like a trickling stream quietly soaking his parched, terrified heart.
At the outpost, Gu Xun's fever refused to break. Lu Zhao awkwardly tended to him, wiping his scorching forehead. In that moment, any notion of "homophobia" had been cast far away, replaced by nothing but deep concern—a panic that this person might vanish forever. When Gu Xun awoke and whispered "thank you," Lu Zhao felt as if his heart had been gently struck by something.
He began to realize his gaze lingered on Gu Xun longer and longer. It was no longer scrutiny or wariness, but admiration for the slight furrow of his brow when deep in thought, craving the occasional faint smile that flitted across his face, and feeling pain at the pallor that crept into his complexion when he forced himself to be strong.
What exactly did he like?
It wasn't that flawless face—in the apocalypse, beauty was the most useless luxury.
It wasn't the healing ability—that power was more of a burden, constantly putting Gu Xun in danger.
What he cherished was Gu Xun's entire soul. It was the light of reason that never flickered even in the darkest corners; it was the trust and dependence that seemed distant yet held no reserve; it was the subtle tenderness he offered despite the heavy burdens he carried; it was the unspoken understanding between them, the reassurance found in a single glance while fighting side by side.
That emotion between men, once a source of his fear, became utterly natural and inevitable when embodied by Gu Xun. Behind the fear lay profound understanding, heartache, and attraction.
When he declared beneath the farm's sunset, "Wherever we are together, there is hope," it wasn't mere romance—it was the truest reflection of his soul. Gu Xun was his hope, the only unquestionable refuge he'd found amidst this ruin.
That emotion he once shunned had now become the gentlest yet most powerful force sustaining him against the cruelty of the world.