**10.30 GMT-5, 22 June 2000, Somewhere in New Jersey, USA.**
WADE
Left behind, Wade's eyes darted back to the road. Sabertooth lay sprawled across the asphalt, his massive body just lay there slowly being dusted with dirt.
"Ah, what the hell, might as well make some fun memories anyway with my supposed uncle anyway, I still have some huge grudge over him anyway," Wade muttered to himself, deciding to make the most of the moment.
He approached Sabertooth's massive form and dropped to his knees beside him, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. With mock despair, he threw his arms around Sabertooth's shoulder.
"No, no, no! Uncle Vic! Nooo!" he wailed, his voice dripping with fake anguish. "Don't you die on me! I'm still young! Only fourteen! You're supposed to do this when I'm fifteen! It's like one more year! Unless we are in the MCU!"
Ken and Laura, who had been staring in shock at the empty sky where their parents had vanished, slowly turned to watch their brother's performance, their faces full of confusion.
"Uncle?" Ken asked, his brow furrowed. "What are you talking about? How do you know that guy?"
Wade shook Sabertooth slightly, hoping for a reaction. Getting none, he escalated, fake tears streaming as he delivered a sharp SMACK to the mutant's cheek.
Hard.
"Come on, wake up, motherfucker! Say some shit about irresponsible wisdom to me! You fucker!" he added, his tone a mix of mockery and feigned desperation as he continued to bitch slapped his uncle.
"Why are you calling him 'Uncle'?" Ken pressed, utterly lost.
Wade didn't even stop and continued to slap his uncle while answering Ken. "Look at him, Kenny! Look at him and then look at Dad! He's literally what Dad would have become if he never discovered grooming, a good woman, and basic human decency! The family resemblance is uncanny! It's in the snarl!"
Laura tilted her head, studying Sabertooth's features with a new, critical eye. She let out a small, considering "Hmph," as if she could almost see it.
When Sabertooth showed no signs of waking, Wade's grin widened. It seems he was still in a coma, well, while a part of him wanted to fight Sabertooth, he still was a fourteen-year-old growing boy after all.
He made his way back to the truck, rummaging through the bed until he found a heavy metal chain that they usually used to winch the truck away. With little effort, he dragged it back over to Sabertooth, securing the chain tightly around the unconscious mutant.
(Pffft… this gonna be good! Ahahaha!)
/Oh no… I think this is a bad idea. We don't know if we could win a fight with him yet! What if he wakes up!/
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a pen, twirling it between his fingers with a flourish.
(Draw a dick pic! No! Many dicks pic! All over his face! Muahahahaha!)
"Sorry Unc, but it has to be done!"
He leaned over and got to work, turning Sabertooth's face and parts of his exposed chest into a canvas of crude, pen-and-ink obscenity. Ken watched in horrified fascination, while Laura's usual stoicism broke into a silent, shaking giggle.
"You guys want to try to? This is basically an experience every uncle gets when they are asleep with nephews and nieces nearby." Wade said as he handed them another pen he produced out of nowhere..
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I am always sure!"
"Oh, what the hell, sure!"
"This is fun!"
"Hey! Say Claws!" Wade said as three of them took a selfie with Sabertooth's face full of scribbled penis.
Wade chuckled, admiring their handiwork. "That's for trying to kidnap Mom and Dad and probably sending your pet polar bear to kill me, you dickhead! HAHAHHAHA!" His manic laughter echoed in the quiet, snowy air.
"The polar bear you wrestled before is his?"
"Idk, but they do look the same and have the same personality too. You know what they say, people look like their pets! It was scientifically proven too!"
"I don't think it is…"
With his "art project" complete, Wade stood back, feeling a wave of satisfaction. He rested his head on Sabertooth's chest for a moment in a mockery of affection, then glanced at his siblings.
"Well, as much as I'd love to see your pretty face when you wake up, gorgeous, I have a more important matter to attend! I hope your Brotherhood teammates notice you missing." He kissed his uncle's forehead, before suddenly jumping to stand up. "C'mon, you two. Let's do a little grand theft auto."
"I CALL SHOTGUN!"
"You know, I am the one that's gonna be driving right? And Laura didn't like a shotgun seat."
"He is not wrong you know, you'll ended up like Daddy and Wade if we crashed like before,"
"I don't care, I got the shotgun! This is my moment!"
They didn't have to wait long. A sedan slowed, its driver gawking at the wreckage. Before the man could ask questions, Wade yanked the door open and delivered a clean punch, knocking him unconscious. He dragged the man out and laid him gently on the roadside.
"Sorry, buddy. We are in a hurry," Wade said, not sounding sorry at all.
He slid into the driver's seat and started the engine. Then, a truly wicked idea struck him. He put the car in reverse, then in drive, running over Sabertooth's chained body with a sickening thump-thump. He did it again. And once more for good measure.
"Sorry, Uncle Vic!" Wade yelled out the window as he sped off. "But that's for my parents! Ciao!"
(He's gonna be so pissed when he wakes up!)
/No shit, Sherlock/
He saluted without looking back. One hand spun the wheel hard to the right. The car began to pivot and turn 180°. Just as the passenger side faced forward, he yanked the emergency brake, cutting the wheel back the other way.
The car pivoted perfectly on its axis, tires screeching in protest. He released the brake, slammed the gearshift back into drive, and punched the gas.
In the passenger seat, Ken stared at him, one white-knuckled hand gripping the dashboard.
"Was that necessary?" Ken's voice was tight.
"Extremely," Wade said, his eyes fixed on the road ahead, a grin playing on his lips. "X-Mansion, it is then! Let's Fucking Go!"
From the backseat, a small, impressed voice piped up. "That was so fucking cool!!!"
Wade's grin widened in the rearview mirror at Laura. "Thank you, Laura. See? Appreciation."
"How the hell did you know how to do that!" Ken demanded, finally releasing his death grip on the dash to gesture in exasperation. "You always crashed our tractor! Pops even starting to believe you are a lost cause!"
"Supernatural season 11, episode 4," Wade said, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "And, Ouch that's hurt… I only do that to get out of that chore!"
Ken stared at him, dumbfounded. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Could you please just be like Laura for five seconds?" Wade sighed, the picture of wounded pride. "Just think it's cool, compliment my ego, and go with it? I miss when you still did that."
"Yeah, no," Ken shot back, crossing his arms. "You gave me one too many surprise lobotomies to ever respect you like that again."
"I told you, that was essential for your character growth!" Wade argued, deftly shifting gears as they accelerated onto the highway.
"You never gave Laura one!" Ken accused, throwing a thumb toward the backseat.
"Because Laura actually dodged it!" Wade countered, a note of genuine pride in his voice. "Unlike certain people, she actually learned something!"
Laura leaned forward from the back, a smug smirk on her face. "He got you there, Ken."
Ken slumped in his seat with a frustrated sound. "Cih. What's the point of having regenerative healing, then? If we're just supposed to dodge everything, we might as well just tank it all."
"Well, there are some attacks you can't tank, lil' bro. Some things, once they hit you... you don't get back up. No matter how fast you heal." He shifted gear again, the firm clunk punctuating his point. "Now, which one of you little geniuses is navigating?"
**14.30 GMT-5, 22 June 2000, I-95, NY, USA.**
WADE
The stolen sedan screamed down I-95, the New York City skyline a jagged promise on the horizon. Wade had the gas pedal mashed to the floor, weaving through traffic with manic glee.
"Almost there, rugrats! Smell that? That's the smell of Italian sweat and marijuana's smoke at the same time!" Wade yelled over the roaring engine. "Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters, here we–"
He was cut off by the sudden wail of sirens. In the rearview mirror, two NYPD cruisers materialized, their lights painting the car's interior in frantic flashes of red and blue.
"Yo! Wade," Ken said, his voice tight with a fresh wave of anxiety. "Popo here!"
Laura spun in her seat, her eyes wide. "Should we stop?"
/Oh, wonderful. You've managed to attract the attention of the largest police force in the country./
(This is it! The big leagues! Cue the Bad Boys soundtrack!)
"Relax, they're not gonna catch us!" Wade declared, swerving around a delivery truck. "They don't have the insane driving skills I have!"
"That does not comfort me at all!" Ken shot back.
The highway opened up, but so did the police presence. More cruisers joined the pursuit, boxing them in. Wade's eyes darted around, looking for an opening.
He pulled out his gun from his holster and started shooting at the police behind them.
"Haha! Bad boys! Whatcha want, whatcha want? Whatcha gonna do! SHIT!"
He managed to shoot two of the drivers and make the other three but as he shooted them, many of them rejoined.
"Shit, is the guy we stole the car someone important? Why this much unit for this beat up car!"
"I told you to be careful of who we stole from!"
Wade shifted the gear and tried to get out from the highway into a more discreet city lane but struggled because he needed to constantly shoot the pursuit behind them.
/Use your fucking brain, you are not alone here!/
(What is the use of training your siblings if you didn't use them in times like this!)
"Hey Ken, glove box. Time to earn your shotgun seat privilege," Wade said, his tone shifting from being goofy to serious for once.
"How did you know there was a shotgun in there?"
"Prejudice?"
/That's racist/
(I mean, what kind of redneck didn't have a shotgun ready in his glovebox? Stereotype exist for a reason!)
Ken fumbled it open and pulled out the weapon. "You want me to shoot?" he confirmed, his knuckles white on the stock.
"YEP!" Wade yelled as he slammed the brakes, sending their car into a controlled slide that caused two pursuing cruisers to overshoot. "Let's see if all the things I taught you stuck in that pretty little head!"
Ken leaned out the window, the wind tearing at him. BOOM! The shotgun roared, and the front tire of the lead cruiser exploded, sending it careening into the shoulder.
"I want to try too!" Laura shouted.
"Uhh, here?" Ken asked, handing it over.
"Yay!"
Laura took the shotgun and fired at a stack of metal barrels, causing an explosion that forced several police cars to swerve to a halt.
/She is a miniature psychopath. We've created a miniature psychopath./
(And we are SO PROUD! They grew up so fast!)
Wade wrenched the wheel, cutting across three lanes of traffic and diving down an exit ramp for the Bronx. The move was so audacious it left half the police convoy stranded on the highway.
For a moment, they had a lead, speeding through industrial streets under elevated train tracks.
"See? I told you we shook 'em off," Wade panted, a triumphant grin on his face.
That's when the distinct thump-thump-thump joined the fading sirens. A news helicopter descended, its camera lens pointed at them like a mechanical eye.
Ken looked up, his face pale. "Wade. There's still a helicopter on us!"
Wade's eyes met Ken's in the rearview mirror. The frantic energy didn't leave, but it crystallized into a single, insane idea. A slow, wicked smile spread across his face.
"Yes, little brother," Wade said, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "They just granted my early birthday wish!"
/Is he gonna do what I think he's gonna do?/
(Yep…)
Laura leaned forward, her previous chaos replaced by sharp curiosity. "What does that mean?"
"It means," Wade said, slamming the brakes and skidding to a halt in a deserted warehouse lot, "we're upgrading our class. Everyone, hold on to me."
Ken's eyes widened in understanding. "You can't be serious."
"Dead serious," Wade said, grabbing them both.
"What do you mean? What DO you MEAN? WHAAAA!!!" Laura shrieked.
"Get to the Choppa!" Wade announced as they abandoned the car and jumped into the helicopter.
/Yep! He said it!/
(Honestly why are we even surprised by these?)
As the first police cruisers screeched into the lot, the three children vanished from the stolen sedan, leaving only settling dust and baffled cops staring at an empty car that promptly rolled off a short embankment.
They somehow landed safely in the cramped, noisy cabin of the news helicopter, startling the cameraman and pilot.
"AAHHHHH!!!" the crew screamed in unison.
"YOU COULD JUST TELEPORTED US!!!" Laura screamed at her brother.
"Yeah, but that wouldn't be as cool as literally jumped out from a moving vehicles to a helicopter, have you seen Fast and Furious? It's fucking cool man!"
"How the hell we landed safely the physic and the math wouldn't allow it!" Ken startled.
"Eh, it's a fanfiction, it's not that deep... Don't think so hard lil bro!"
"It's Wade, you should know to not ask question to his weirdness,"
"Thank you Laura, see! That's why she my fav!"
"I just--I fucking can't with you two!" Ken just facepalmed at his siblings.
They then efficiently threatened the terrified crew before helping them into emergency parachutes. "Hope you guys know how to use these, bub" Ken said before helping bundle them out of the side door.
"Buh bye, Mr. Pilot! Mr. Cameraman!" Laura waved cheerfully.
"Okay, okay, now let's try to keep this bird in the air!" Wade ordered, shoving his brother toward the co-pilot's seat. "Laura, use the satellite phone! Call this number!" He shoved a slip of paper into her hand.
"Ken! Take the stick! Keep us stable!"
"WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE! I can't fly a chopper!" Ken protested.
"Wade, here!" Laura yelled, handing him the phone.
"Just hold this and don't let us crash! It's like a more realistic video game!" Wade yelled back before putting the phone to his ear. "Moshi Moshi, is this Professor Xavier?"