A new day. A more costly mistake. Which way is up, I couldn't tell if I had averted my eyes to the sky above us. My thoughts circle as they edge themselves around the concept of a short and painless death to put an ultimate end to my suffering but I cannot tell if I'd be stuck having fucked up. On earth, a person dependent on the care of others, for the rest of my life.
So I don't touch it.
I'm still dead either way. I'm not living. Barely breathing, I solemnly gaze out the windows of every building I enter wondering the same thing I always do.
If I even bother to explain what is on my mind I'll just sound insane. Better I'd keep it to myself.
It's a misunderstood disorder, having a conscience 20% of the time for the reason of seeing benefit in decision making. Fuck.
So I did amount to some stupid things in the past forty eight hours that would eventually lead to the death of me. Filthy things that shone a light upon how deep my self hatred could possibly go. I just aimed straight for my heart — and lack of spirit in there so to speak — and fired. I missed apurposely. How could I be so fucking foolish.
I had a chance to end things. So now I lay atop my bed. Waiting for my death.
Pill overdoses are quite simple. They work or they don't. One's biggest mistake is believing their life had some kind of purpose. Their next one? Believing their methodicals will work! Ha. Ha. Ha…