Moments later, Coulson arrived with a squad of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents.
The first thing he saw was Thor—still twitching on the ground, smoke lazily curling from his blond hair.
Coulson blinked. "What… happened to him?"
Darren shrugged, utterly casual. "He said he was the God of Thunder, so I gave him a little lightning. Who knew he had such low voltage tolerance?"
"The… God of Thunder?" Coulson repeated, brow furrowing. Even for him, that was a new one.
He knelt beside the unconscious man and checked for a pulse. Still alive—barely. Just very, very electrocuted.
"Get him secured and under guard," Coulson ordered. "Notify me the second he wakes up."
Then he turned to Darren, clearly tired already. "Your assignment hasn't changed. You keep watching the hammer."
"Got it," Darren said lazily, flopping back into his folding chair and picking up his comic again.
The agents worked around him, cleaning up the chaos, while their "temporary consultant" sipped his drink, unbothered, looking like the universe's most laid-back tourist.
The next morning.
Darren's comm buzzed.
Coulson's voice crackled through, half relief, half headache. "Our mystery man's awake. I could use your help in interrogation."
When Darren arrived at the makeshift holding cell, the air inside was already vibrating with noise.
"Mortals! Return Mjolnir to me!" the prisoner was roaring. "Do so, and when I reclaim my throne in Asgard, your rewards shall be immeasurable!"
The tone was pure royal delusion meets scam email: Congratulations, you've won divine favor! Please send hammer to claim your prize.
Coulson stood just outside, rubbing at his temple. "He's been shouting that since he woke up. Doesn't answer questions, doesn't cooperate. Just keeps demanding his 'Mjolnir.'"
He glanced at Darren, exasperated. "According to our research, 'Mjolnir' is the hammer of Thor—the thunder god from Norse mythology."
Darren chuckled. "Well, this guy's definitely committed to the bit."
Curious, he leaned closer to the observation window.
[NPC: Thor Odinson]
[Alias: God of Thunder]
[Favorability: –10]
[Profile: God of Hammers. Defender of Asgardian pride. Marvel's own Uchiha—his power grows every time a family member dies.]
[Status: Divine Power Sealed]
Darren blinked.
Wait. He's real?
First vampires, now Norse gods? What next—Greek demigods? Cthulhu showing up for brunch?
So the hammer outside really was Mjolnir.
"Let me talk to him," Darren said suddenly.
Before Coulson could stop him, he'd already opened the door.
Inside, Thor turned the instant he saw him.
"You!" he growled, eyes blazing. "You treacherous mortal! You struck down the mighty God of Thunder with your cowardly lightning!"
Darren raised a brow. "And yet, the God of Thunder still got electrocuted?"
Thor's jaw clenched, embarrassment flickering across his face. "My powers are sealed! Were Mjolnir in my grasp, I would have crushed you where you stand!"
[NPC Thor Odinson has issued you a new mission!]
Mission: Mortal Thor
Objective: Help the powerless Thor retrieve Mjolnir.
Reward: +500 EXP, +30 Thor Favorability, 1 Random Item.
Darren grinned. "Sure, I'll help you. But first—how about you explain how a literal god ended up stranded in New Mexico?"
Thor's eyes brightened with hope. "You will aid me?"
He launched into his tale at once.
In summary: it was classic family drama, Norse edition.
He was about to be crowned king when Frost Giants crashed the party. Furious, Thor led a raid on their homeworld, Jotunheim—without permission, nearly starting an interrealm war.
Odin, his father, was so enraged he stripped Thor of his power and exiled him to Earth, hammer and all.
Darren stared at him, speechless.
"You—" he finally said, "you've fought for a thousand years, and your grand strategy was 'kick down the enemy's front door'? With like, what, four buddies and a sword?"
Was this guy's brain made of biceps?
Thor scowled. "The Frost Giants challenged the honor of Asgard! I simply answered their insult in kind!"
Darren sighed. "And how'd that go for you?"
Thor fell silent.
"Exactly." Darren crossed his arms. "Next time, use your head. You people have a rainbow space bridge that can teleport anywhere, right?"
Thor frowned. "Yes…"
"So why didn't you just teleport their king to your palace and beat him there? Much safer, much more dramatic."
Thor blinked. "I… hadn't considered that."
"Or better yet," Darren added with a completely straight face, "just teleport a few thousand nukes into Jotunheim and call it a day."
Thor looked horrified. "That seems… extreme."
"Extreme?" Darren barked a laugh. "Your father's been fighting wars for millennia, and you think he built a cosmic army to hug it out? Please. The All-Father doesn't want peace. He wants nuclear deterrence!"
Thor just stared at him, unsure whether to be offended or enlightened.
Could that… actually be true?
Darren went on, voice solemn. "Remember this, blondie—truth lives only within the range of your artillery. Hit them hard enough, and peace will beg you for mercy."
If Thor followed this advice, Jotunheim would be a smoking crater within a week.
Even as one of Asgard's notorious hotheads, Thor couldn't help thinking—this mortal was way more dangerous than any god.
"I… think my father didn't quite mean it that way," he said weakly.
Darren waved him off. "Believe what you want. Now come on, let's get your hammer."
Thor instantly forgot his doubts. "You will take me to Mjolnir?!"
"Yep."
His eyes lit up with hope as he followed Darren out of the cell.
Coulson, waiting nearby, raised an eyebrow. "You really think he's who he says he is?"
Darren shrugged. "Only one way to find out."
They headed back out to the excavation site.
"Mjolnir! My old friend!" Thor's voice cracked with emotion the moment he saw it.
He ran toward the hammer like a man reunited with a long-lost lover, rain glistening in his hair.
"Behold, mortals!" he shouted dramatically. "Bear witness as the God of Thunder reclaims his power!"
He reached down, fingers curling around the leather-wrapped handle.
For a long moment, the desert held its breath.
Thor inhaled deeply—and pulled.
Nothing.
He blinked, confused, and pulled again, harder this time.
The hammer didn't so much as twitch.
"...What?"
He strained, muscles bulging, veins popping. His teeth ground together as he roared and heaved—every ounce of his Asgardian strength poured into that one effort.
Still, the hammer refused to move.
Not an inch.
The mighty Mjolnir sat smugly in the dirt, unbothered, unmoved.
Finally, with a guttural groan, Thor let go.
He stumbled back, fell to his knees in the mud, and threw his head back in despair.
"Nooooooo!"
The cry echoed across the stormy desert—
a thunder god without thunder, a warrior without his weapon—
and Darren, watching from his chair, couldn't resist muttering:
"Yeah, well… maybe it's time to upgrade from hammer to taser."