1 Getting fucked over by a Random Omnipotent Being is no fun at all.
I opened my eyes, and looked around me, I sat in the backseat of a car that was driving on the wrong side of the road… where is the bloody driver? Huh? That passenger in the front seat has a steering wheel in his hands! Why is that steering wheel on the right side of the car?
The memories slammed in my head, eleven years of Harry Potter got downloaded into my brain. Nine and a half years of misery, memories of sleeping in that cupboard under the stairs enraged me, they fed me alright, the table scraps and leftovers, a glass of milk and some slices of bread in the morning, to keep up appearings, a decent lunchbox for school, at dinner, just the basics, meat and gravy are for family, not for freaks.
Beatings and punishments at accidental Magic happened a lot, no broken bones though, or scars from beatings. The bitch had me cooking at age six! From then on I was their personal slave… The letters, Hagrid, Diagon Alley, all of it happened, and now I am on my way to the Hogwarts Express.
If you want to know how I ended up here, there is a story to it, you see, I am… I was a Fan Fiction writer, yes, I posted Fan Fiction on the web. The thing is, when I kicked the bucket, I arrived in a waiting room in front of an office, exactly how I pictured it how it would look like in my stories.
In my stories, the Master of Death was a gorgeous babe, yep, this one had me drooling too until she opened her mouth: "Another one I guess? Ah, yes, let's see… specialized in Fan Fiction focused on Isekai… and blaming it on ROB."
She looked at me and said: "You know, our ROB is sick and tired to be blamed for those random killings, or being named Truck Kun. Going on at the achievements of your life, you are mediocre, not earning Bliss or Hell as you wrote about it. No, you started a smear campaign against my Lord, making the most ridiculous stories up in His Name."
I was slack-jawed, I got a ROB pissed at me? It is Fan Fiction for crying out loud! Can you call that bad propaganda? I better not comment that out loud, getting him more pissed at me is not a good idea. I know, I wrote about it in my stories… I shut up now if she read my mind, then I am fucked.
The Babe gathered her papers and continued: "So, He decided to get a bit of payback, you seem to be a Potter fan, and yes, you are fucked. This is what is going to happen, I will send you into a Harry Potter Verse, if you complete the story in a given time you will be sent to another one. Failing three stories will get you a ticket downstairs, completing a number of stories successfully will get you upstairs. Every fail will reset the success count."
Finally, I got my wits back online: "That is not fair! I even don't know your objectives! Do I have to off Voldemort? Kill all the Death Eaters? Get Harry a Wife? Does it have to have the same ending as the original?"
The babe mocked me: "You are the author, make a calculated guess, you will be inserted in a random timeline in the story, make the most of it. You better entertain My Lord, or your story will get harder."
"Can I get some help? Like an AI or a Game System? Or an ability like Wandless Magic?" I cried out.
That was when I woke up in the car, with nothing at all, I am fucked.
Xxxxx
It is hard to get used to driving on the wrong side of the road, it felt all kinds of wrong, but I better focus on my course of action, I am on my way to Hogwarts! The last comment of the Mistress of Death sounded in my ears, I have to be entertaining or I will fail the story. That means I can't follow Canon, that would be boring.
I sighed and started planning, based on the hints the babe gave me. I am on my way to the train for the first time, so this will not happen again… how do I spice it up?
At the station, Vernon mocked me: "See if you can find platform 9 ¾ boy! There is no such thing! Good luck in finding it."
I shot back at him: "Uncle Vernon! One of these weeks I will give an interview to some reporters from my side and tell them how good you took care of me. I will even give your address to them. Prepare to receive their gratitude, they will be knocking on your door for sure. You can ask that bitch wife of yours what will happen. Good luck to you too, fuck face!"
Ahh, that felt good, the look of horror on his face is burned in my memory. I dragged my trunk into the station before he could react and searched for platforms 9 and 10. The entrance was not easy to find, Following weirdly dressed kids with big traveler trunks is a no-go, they take the Floo or apparate with their parents, the next best thing is bumping into pillars until I found the right one.
I am not a fan of Ron Weasley, so I want to avoid them like the plague. It is 10.30, it is too soon for them to arrive anyway. Dragging my trunk along, I remembered something and paused.
I released Hedwig and said: "You better fly to Hogwarts Hedwig, I reckon staying in a cage the whole day is no fun at all."
Hedwig hooted and flew off, the cage went into the trunk and I boarded the train. In the second to last wagon, I spotted a compartment with four girls and one boy of my age, with room for six, that will get Ron off my back.
I knocked at the door and entered when a pretty girl said to come in, I introduced myself: "Hello, my name is Harry Potter, can I sit here with you?"
The pretty spokesperson answered: "You can Mr. Potter, our names are Daphne Greengrass, Miss Tracy Davis, Miss Lisa Turpin, Miss Megan Jones, and Mr. Zachariah Smith."
Ah a pureblood cabin, I can use that to my advantage, I loaded my trunk with the help from Zack, and started my conversation.
"To be honest, I am new at all this Magic stuff, all I got is rumors and the bit I overheard in the Alley on my birthday. I even never heard of Magic before my birthday."
Lisa Turpin reacted first: "Impossible! You lived in a castle with friends and elves! You are famous!"
I chuckled sadly: "Miss Turpin, I even don't know what an elf looks like, and I never had a friend, my cousin made sure to chase them away from me. The first letter I got from the Magic World is a letter from the school. And famous? My letter was addressed to the place I slept for ten years, the cupboard under the stairs, so you knew where I slept, and approved it. I am so famous I didn't even get one letter. They even didn't give my aunt money to keep me, so I got the cast-offs from my cousin to wear, never getting something new. I tell you, my castle was pretty small, it fitted under the staircase."
Stunned silence, Greengrass was the first to snap out of it: "That is the reason you are dressed in those rags? And we wrote you several letters, but you didn't respond once!"
"Hey! That is not my fault! I just said I never got them." I protested, "And these rags are the best I got, I didn't even know I had a vault with money from my parents."
Miss. Jones commented: "This is bad, we all thought you were a snob for shunning us, not even responding with a simple postcard. Where did all that mail go too? Some even sent stuffed toys to you."
Zachariah Smith said: "This needs damage control, Potter, a lot of people were not happy about it, I was not pleased about that. You better set things right the first chance you get."
"My sister is head girl this year, they meet in the first wagon with all the prefects to discuss and divide the duties this year. When the train leaves the station, I'll take you there and you can explain it to them, they will inform the rest of the students." Offered Miss Turpin.
Hah! I have my foot in the door! Turpin is connected! I hope she doesn't slam the door shut on me. They were a friendly lot and explained the Wizarding world to me the best they could. The talk came to the sorting.
I said: "I don't know if it is the truth, but I heard from the Gamekeeper that we have to do one spell at the sorting, it is to make your wand spray sparkles, you get sorted by the color of the house… but he only talked about one house, Gryffindor or something like that. He said that I have to make red sparks."
That got them protesting, Smith fumed: "No, that is not true at all! Hufflepuff is as good as any other house! My sparks will be Yellow! I heard about that Gamekeeper, Hagrid, he can't keep a secret at all when he is drunk or bragging… Ladies, this could be the truth. If so, we can practice that spell in advance so we will be sorted in the house we want to be."
I warned him: "I am not 100% sure he spoke the truth, Mr. Smith, with that set of hair and beard it is hard to see if he is joking or not, but practicing that spell can not hurt. Does any of you know that spell?"
Miss Davis answered: "No, we were not allowed to learn spells, they said our Magic core has to settle first."
"Oh? What about all those beatings I got for accidental Magic? Did it damage my Magic core somehow? I had a lot of those."
Miss Greengrass looked thoughtful: "Perhaps they just didn't want us to practice spells at home."
I took my wand out and raised it into the air, concentrated, and willed Red Sparks to come out, I shouted "Red Sparks!"
Hah! It works! It got me red sparkles coming out of my wand! Soon the compartment was filled with shouts, blue, green, and yellow sparkles filled the compartment. Take that phony Latin! English is working fine too.
When the novelty wore off, I said: "We better inform the others of that spell, Hagrid told me that when you can cast that spell, you can go to your chosen house at once. Again, I don't know if it is true or not, but it can't hurt to try it out."
Now to repair my glasses, I took them off, concentrated, and pointed my wand at it: "Repair!" It works! They looked brand new now, the lenses are not the right prescription, but I can remove the spell-o-tape.
Finally, the train left the station, I saw a redhead searching the compartments for his best friend Harry. Meh, he is the most discussed character of Potter, is he good? Bad? A spy for Dumbledore? A loyal friend? A traitor? A slob? An idiot? One constant is his bad table manners and the lacking of a filter between his mouth and brain. The best policy is to avoid him altogether, it will save me a lot of headaches.
A half-hour later Miss Turpin gave me permission to call her Lisa, the others followed, Smith was reluctant to allow it, but peer pressure forced him to do it. Lisa took me to the first wagon and knocked on the door.
A prefect opened and asked: "Is something wrong miss?"
Lisa answered: "Hello, my name is Lisa Turpin, and I want to inform my sister of a grave situation."
My, very posh of you Lisa, the prefect let us in without doubting us for a minute.
Grace Turpin, the Head girl asked: "What is the matter, Lisa? Homesick already?"
Lisa rolled her eyes: No, Grace, This here is Harry Potter, he is traveling with us in our compartment, and when we talked he said he never received any mail from us, he told us the first letter he got was the Hogwarts letter. Also, he's been living with his muggle relatives, not in a castle at all."
Grace was surprised and asked: "What do you want us to do about it, Lisa?"
Lisa, my maiden in shiny armor answered: "I want you all to inform the students of it, remember that I complained to you about that Potter snob that won't even send a thank you note? I want people to stop thinking he is a snob. If you look at his clothes you see that he is abused at his place, that has to change too. You are prefects and Head girl and boy, it is your job to take care of us isn't it?"
Yes! Lisa to the rescue! Why do we need knights in shiny armor if the Ladies get things done faster? Yeah, knights in armor look better on a horse, I agree, but Girl power! I am a fan already and we are just on the way to Hogwarts.
The Puff Headboy said: "We will spread the word, and will call the child services or the DMLE. Miss Turpin, Mister Potter, you can go back to your compartment and leave the rest to us. Tomorrow everyone will know about your mail issues Mister Potter."
When we walked back I said: "Thank you, Lisa, you are my Hero."
The kid blushed a nice shade of red and walked a bit straighter, her head held up high, her breast… no, not much to push forwards, but it is the thought that counts. At our compartment, we got visitors, four firsties got the sparkling spell taught to them. Sworn to secrecy, they dragged the other firsties to our compartment, even Draco and Ronny were convinced after Daphne told him that he get squashed in a second if he fought a troll.
Hermione doubted the sparkles, I asked her: "What do you think will happen? That they put a singing hat on our heads and he will tell us where to go? The spell is not that hard to do, just will it to come out with the right color. When we enter the Great Hall, we use the spell and move to our table, it is that easy."
Neville's toad hopped into our compartment, ten minutes later he came in with Granger in tow. When we told him about the Sparks, he had trouble with his dad's wand.
I whispered: "The Yellow Sparks are easiest, you just have to mean it and force your will through your wand."
Nevvy got his yellow Sparks alright, he even got impressive Sparks. I softly said: "The head of Hufflepuff is a Master in Herbology, it seems you found your destination."
When the trolley lady passed, I bought enough food and snacks to last a few months. At the questioning looks I said: "I don't know if I get another chance to buy candy this year, so I better stock up."
Daphne looked at my clothes and said: "Our parents send ours regularly, I doubt your aunt will do that for you. Smart thinking, maybe you are Ravenclaw material after all."
"Perhaps," I said, "What material are you made of?"
"Slytherin, without a doubt." She answered, "The house of the ambitious and the cunning."
Smith scoffed: "The house of the bullies and bigots you mean, they have had a bad reputation for a lot of decades already."
"Is it that bad?" I asked.
Smith nodded: "Most of the Death Eaters from the last war came out of Slytherin, not all of them, but a lot of them did. I heard that the head of Slytherin is a former Death Eater."
I looked at Daphne and told her: "So if you are really ambitious and cunning, you sort into another house, you can be in Ravenclaw, being smart is always a positive treat to have. And if the bad reputation is true, being a girl in that house is not safe, the bits I heard from those death eaters were that they raped and murdered. I don't know at what age they start practicing rape and torture."
Daphne and Tracey paled, they didn't think that far ahead, soon they were practicing blue sparkles. That is my good deed of the day, getting the most popular snakes out of the snake house, Greengrass and Davis were mentioned a lot in Fan Fiction, I wrote a lot about them too, converting them to Ravenclaw is dealing a blow to Snape.
We spend the rest of the trip explaining the wizarding world and habits to me, House Potter came up in the conversation.
Daphne said: "The Potters are an old House, word is that they came with the Romans as battle mages or healers, and settled here somewhere in Wales, at the height of their power, they controlled most of the economy, some bad investments and incompetent Lords reduced that power, although they are in the top ten of wealthy Houses."
"If that is true, why was I shoved at my aunt? They dropped me in a basket on their doorstep as a piece of trash. If I am so rich, I expected a bit more luxury to live in. Do we have a house? No, do I have a house, I am the last of the Potters you say, what are my rights? Why did everyone abandon me?"
Megan answered: "To find that out, you have to ask your Magic Guardian… or he is the one that did it to you. In school, it is the headmaster or the head of the Houses for the muggle-born. Maybe you can ask it at your head of House."
Yeah, that is a good idea if I end up in Slytherin, ask Snape how rich I am and to help me.
Xxxxx
A half-hour before arrival we changed in our robes, I looked more presentable in my school robes, it is an improvement, not much, but I take all I can get. The boat ride and the view of the castle were fun, I traveled a lot in my past life, so the castle was not that impressive on the outside.
Hagrid presented the new batch at MacGonagal: "The First years madam, all present and counted for."
"Thank you, Hagrid, students, come in and wait for me in the room."
After she left, I said out loud: "Remember, if you get your sparks right you can go to your tables. I heard that it is a loophole in the sorting."
Ron whiperasked "WhatisAloophole?"
Hermione mumbled: "Red Sparks, Red Sparks, Red Sparks."
I whispered to her: "I heard the Griffs are bullies, and only the Ravens have a library in their common room."
Hermione glared at me, turned around, and grumbled: "Blue Sparks, Blue Sparks, Blue Sparks."
The ghosts made their entry to spook the kids, an annual ritual it seems, and Minnie called us in,
I took the lead with my compartment buddies, when we entered the Great Hall, we raised our wands and called our spell, I chose Blue Sparks and made my way to the Ravenclaw table, followed by Daphne, Tracey, Hermione, and the rest of the originals, along the way our robes changed into our house colors. Everyone was speechless, this has never happened before. McGonagall came to her senses and asked: "What in Morgana's name just happened?"
I stood up and answered: "We got sorted madam, you see? My robes changed their color and all. When is dinner ready? I am hungry."
She argued: "That is not how we sort the students here, young man."
I shrugged: "How do you sort them, by putting a singing hat on our heads? How stupid is that? We did our sparks and got sorted."
That comment got a lot of cheers from my year mates, Malfoy shouted: "We like it the way it is, we got our colors on our robes, let's keep them!"
The rest of the students were amused, mostly surprised that Hogwarts accepted their choice and changed the color of the robes. It was an unwritten law, that the moment you get your color, you keep it for seven years.
The discussion at the head table lasted twenty minutes, Snape demanded a traditional sorting, Dumbledore was for the hat too, mostly because I chose to be a Claw, the rest didn't care or were for it.
Dumbledore stood up and said: "For this year we will keep it, we do demand to know who came up with this prank."
I stood up again and answered: "It was me, Headmaster, Hagrid told me that the first spell we learn is at the sorting, and is nothing more than colored Sparks… now that I think of it, he might have said after the sorting. He said that in Diagon Alley, and everything was so new and impressive to me that I might have misheard it. Sorry?"
He chuckled: "Ah, then there is no harm done, my boy."
I raised my hand: "Sir? Are you my grandpa?"
Confused Dumbledore said: "No, my boy, why do you ask that?"
"Well sir, we learned at school that only Grandparents can call you that, others that call you that are pedophiles that want to lure you into their lair with candy and do unspeakable things to you."
Deadly silence, until a Hufflepuff started to laugh out loud, soon the rest followed, the smile on Dumbledore's face seemed a bit forced, he even didn't call his blubber or tweak to serve the food.
Grace said to the sixth-year prefect: "This bunch is going to be troublemakers and Potter is not as innocent as he looked like."
The Prefect sighed: "I fear you are right, first those sparks, then that Pedo joke at the headmaster, those are not that innocent at all. It is going to be a long year, Grace."
Dinner was grand, ten years of beatings and malnutrition were burned into my mind, and the reason sat on a throne at the center. Granted, it was not exactly me that was starved, but those memories are realistic enough, and the body matched the diet.
One thing baffled me, fucking pumpkin juice, the one drink for Wizards! Because nobody in their right mind wants to drink that stuff willingly, no amount of sugar can erase that foul taste.
I raised my voice: "Elves? Can I get a pitcher of water please and a clean glass?"
That will get Granger on Spew a few years in advance. The questions were already on her lips. I let the older kids explain it, I am supposed to be ignorant of the wizarding world.
Daphne asked: "How did you know to ask the elves for water?"
I shrugged: "You told me that the elves take care of the old families, Hogwarts is old and big, I guess there are elves working here. It was a calculated hypothesis, you see? I am Ravenclaw material."
Tracey giggled: "Never a dull moment with you around, Harry."
I smiled: "Why, I try to be entertaining for you my Lady, bringing a smile on your face is the meaning of my existence. I live to hear your laughter, your happiness is my ultimate goal."
I grinned: "But I will settle to be friends."
Blushing she grumbled: "You scoundrel, I have to watch out for you. Mum told me of your kind of smooth talkers."
Xxxxx
After dinner, Dumbledore gave his speech halfheartedly, Filch; forbidden forest and certain dead, the Pedo comment still fresh in his mind. He forgot the school song completely, and send us to our bed.
Halfway up the stairs, I commented: "I wonder how many stairs the Puffs have to do to reach their room."
The prefect heard me and answered: "Two stairs down, and twenty yards forward from the Great Hall."
I whined: "Are we there yet?"
The prefect grinned: "Four more stairs, Mister Potter, doing all those stairs keeps you fit."
I moaned: "If you say so, but I am bloody tired."
Lisa poked me: "Quit being a baby, Harry."
We finally arrived at the doorknob, the question: "Is it easier to love or to be loved?"
I answered: "That depends on several factors, the main one is, are you beautiful or ugly? If you are ugly it is easier to love, if you are beautiful it is easier to be loved."
The door opened and commented: "That is a sad truth we all deny, and yet follow nevertheless."
When I lie in my bed, I wondered: "I hope it was entertaining enough for the ROB."
2 Starting trouble is easy, getting out of trouble is hard.
The next morning I woke up early, a residue from my time with the Dursleys no doubt, after a shower I took stock of my wardrobe. My school robes are kind of alright, the rest of my clothes… I better call them rags, totally not acceptable! It was as if Petunia saved the worst outfits for me. This has to change or I will never get any respect from my peers. It has to do for now until I find a solution, which will be as fast as possible.
We firsties gathered in the common room, Granger already claimed her territory, meaning the library and all books in her close proximity, the girls are in the majority, with the addition of Daphne, Tracey, and Hermione, the tally came up to seven girls. Us poor blokes are outnumbered, almost two to one. Our prefect, Penny Clearwater, a fine piece of ass, totally wasted on that ginger ponce Percy in my opinion, guided us to breakfast, along the way she pointed recognizable landmarks out to find our way back to the nest.
At our table... At all the tables, last night's sorting was the main topic, my reputation was set, the Boy-Who-Lived became the Boy-Who-Sorted. My friends, Lisa, Daphne, and Tracey posted themselves next to me, my other friends Megan and Zack produced Yellow sparks and got Puffed. Anyway, the girls took most of the heat away from me by explaining how they learned to cast those sparks.
Lisa commented: "It is quite easy really, raise your wand in the air and will the spell to come out."
Penny shook her head: "Normally it is not that easy Miss Turpin, a lot of first years have trouble in the first months to cast their spells and only find the way to cast spells close to Christmas. That everyone could cast those sparks is unheard of."
Tracey shrugged: "Harry showed us how to cast it, we got it right under twenty minutes, it wasn't that hard to learn."
Flitwick heard the last sentence and said: "Nevertheless, it was a fine piece of Magic and an achievement that will be talked about for years. The fact that Hogwarts approved of your sorting made it even more special. Here are your class schedules, and a map of the castle, all the classrooms are marked. Mister Potter, the Headmaster wants to speak to you after breakfast."
Hmm, I must avoid that old bastard at all costs, at least the first month, I have to create a diversion… ah! The pathetic story of my life will do, the abused child Hero will melt everyone's heart. I just have to lure the conversation in the right direction.
"Alright Professor, will you be present for that talk? You are my head of House, that makes you my Magic Guardian here isn't it?" yeah, I asked that with an innocent face, can you believe it?
Flitwick shook his head: "I am not your Magical Guardian, Mr. Potter, I believe it is the Headmaster that is responsible for your well-being."
I shrugged: "Then I will pass meeting him, sir, if he is the bastard that dropped me on my aunt's doorstep in a basket with a letter, I would rather learn a lethal spell first, do you happen to know a good one, sir?"
Flitwick was puzzled: "What do you mean with dropped on the doorstep, Mr. Potter?"
By now I got everyone's attention, I talked a bit louder: "Well sir, on the night of the first to the second of November, someone put me in a basket and dropped me on the doorstep of my aunt's house at night. She found me the next morning half frozen, it was an exceptionally cold November that year."
I looked the little bugger in the eyes and continued: "How do I know that you ask? My uncle used to mock me with it, he said they dumped me on their doorstep like the trash I am. So if that Headmaster is the one who did that to me, I'll be searching for another school, sir."
I stood up and asked out loud: "Can someone point me to a good lawyer? I need a good one."
Several hands raised into the air, a pink-haired Puff even shouted: "My dad will do it even for free!"
Hmm? Pink? That would be Tonks, the bint that is going to shag the wolf, a total waste of first-class pussy if you ask me. I never liked that wolf, to begin with.
I sat back down and said to Flitwick: "I spend my life working like a slave for those bastards, I had to wear my cousin's worst casts-offs, had to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs until I got that Hogwarts letter, you can understand I am not very fond of the people that dropped me off there, sir."
My voice was loud enough to be heard through the Hall, a very silent Hall.
I continued: "I slaved for ten years, not a word from you guys, not a single letter, with every bout of accidental Magic I got beat up and had to spend two to three days in my cupboard on water and a few slices of bread."
I glared at the head table: "Imagine my surprise that when I entered the Leaky Cauldron you welcomed me as the savior of the Wizarding world. If this is how you treat your heroes, I fear how you treat your villains, sir."
That will stir the place up, with just the right amount of drama and hardship. I bet that Dumbledore didn't expect a defiant teenager, usually, these kids are ashamed to admit those facts, too bad my mind is not from a kid anymore… or am I? I am doing stuff that I normally would never do.
Where was I? Ah, spouting nonsense. Flitwick said: "I will reschedule the meeting and get to the bottom of this Mr. Potter. You are part of one of the most important families in the country. This needs investigation, getting legal representation is a good start."
I would say he strode to the head table, but as a half-goblin, it was kind of funny to watch. Not laughing though, a dueling champion isn't someone you want to piss off.
Daphne softly said: "The father of the pink-haired Puff is a good lawyer, my father is using his services in the muggle world."
"Thank you, Daphne, I think I will follow your advice." I smiled at her and said: "Stepping in your compartment was my best idea of the year."
Buttering up at the purebloods is always a good strategy, it cost a few fancy words, and you get plenty in return. Not to forget I have to cause a lot of mayhem to please ROB. After breakfast, we left for the nest to get our books, following Penelope's fine ass up the stairs.
Hermione was next to me and asked: "Why didn't the teachers in your school report it to the authorities, Harry? My teachers reported a lot of bullies to their parents, if they found out you are abused at home they have to report their suspicion."
I shrugged: "Some did, a few days later they got transferred to another school. I stopped asking for help when I noticed it."
In this reality, it seems that Dumbledore meddled a lot in my life up to now. I have to stop it somehow. What is our first class… bloody fuck! Double potions with the Puffs to start with? I groaned, I avoided one asshole and walked into another… that sounded better in my head.
Xxxxx
Penny guided us to the dungeon and warned us: "Professor Snape is really strict, be polite and do your best, he is very harsh for overachievers and show-offs."
The Puffs arrived, guided by their prefect, Zack, and Neville came to me, while Megan visited Daphne, Tracey, and Lisa.
Zack grinned at me: "You have the talent to stir up a doxy nest, Harry. Be honest, did you know we were going to be sorted by a singing hat? That was too close to be a coincidence, don't you think?"
"Ask no questions and I won't tell you lies, Zacharias. Did you see the faces of the upper years when our robes got their House colors? Lisa's sister almost got a stroke." I smirked, "I bet we get into the history books with it."
Neville commented: "We got a lot of respect with that stunt of yours, Harry, thank you for that, we got more respect when they found out we didn't use the correct spell for the sparks."
I held my hand up and stopped him: "Hold it, Neville! We used the correct Spell for those Sparks. Tell me, if you raise your wand and shout Yellow Sparks, and the Yellow Sparks come out. Doesn't it mean it is the correct Spell for it? There could be a dozen spells that do exactly the same thing. I say our Spell was the right one for us. Don't let them tell you otherwise. I bet the Japanese don't use a Latin spell for their Sparks either."
Zack agreed: "That is right Neville, if the spell works, then it is the right spell."
The door opened and a cold voice said: "Get in."
Oooh, so bossy, no, I better lay low for a bit. We paired up, who do I sit with… Neville or Hermione, are going to be the secondary targets of Snape, ah they are sitting together? Bloody hell, I waited too long, there is no one left to pair up with. Meh, I'll fly solo.
I unpacked my crappy gear, Lord knows where Hagrid got it from, parchment and quill out and I am ready to make a mess. If you never used a quill, you get ink stains all over your body. Now, will the bat follow Canon, or use a different approach? His opening lines are not promising.
Snape looked up at my name: "Ah, Harry Potter, our new Celebrity, I hope you don't expect special treatment from me."
"No, sir, I know that the Professors are expected to treat everyone equally. Only incompetent teachers are having favorites or bully the ones they don't like." I answered. Hah! Try to bully me now, fuck face!
Snape's face looked like he sucked on a sour lemon, he recuperated with "10 points from Ravenclaw for your cheek, Potter. Let us hear how well you are prepared for this class, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"
I shook my head: "I don't know, professor."
Snape sneered at me: "Fame isn't everything it seems. Let's try another one, where can I find a Bezoar?"
I closed my eyes and tilted my head up a little, as you know it is the famous thinking pose, and answered: "I am not sure, but muggle mythology says it is in the stomach of a goat. It is supposed to help against poisons. Is that correct, sir?"
Snape glared at me: "We are not here to discuss muggle fantasies, Potter. You better get rid of your arrogance, you are much like your father, he too was extremely arrogant, and too lazy to open his books in advance."
I glared at the bat: "Well, I wouldn't know about that, sir, he died ten years ago, so I have no memories of my parents. And Petunia locked my books away when I returned from Diagon Alley, this is the first time I have had a chance to open them. So would you please stop trying to embarrass me, if you had issues with my parents, go yell at their graves."
This is a good rant, if I say so myself, I admit I practiced on them and have several versions ready for this occasion. I got the man speechless, that is my opportunity to pour more dirt into the wound.
"Talking about Muggles, the flower language state that asphodel and wormwood combined, means that you are regretting someone's absence, or guilty for their absence. Were you responsible for their death, Sir?"
I admit, that was below the belt, sassing my dead dad was below the belt too, that makes us even. Snape came to his senses and roared: "A 100 points from Ravenclaw! Class dismissed! Get out!"
The room was cleared in record time, once outside, Daphne asked: "What was that all about?"
Bullshit time! "I heard my aunt ranting about that Snape kid that corrupted her sister, the way he was pushing my buttons indicated he had a grudge against my parents. I pushed back. Hey, why don't we explore the castle? We have two hours before the next class."
"A hundred points! We are getting in so much trouble because of you, we can get expelled because of you! You got me kicked out of my first Magic class ever!" complained Hermione.
"Relax Hermione, I bet there is a big library in this school somewhere, why don't you search for it?" I said while patting her back, "I bet they have awesome spell books."
Hermione raised her head at my comment and took off like a bloodhound on a fresh track. Neville mumbled about checking out the greenhouses, which left us with the original six.
Zack commented: "That was fun, we didn't even complete roll call. He was acting like an ass though, insulting a dead man in front of his son is simply not done. Duels are fought for less."
"Make a formal complaint of that insult, Harry. That was a direct attack against your house and reputation. It was also very unprofessional behavior against a first-year student." commented Daphne.
Tracey added: "Let's go to the library, no, an empty classroom, and write a letter to the DMLE, we ask Susan to send it to her aunt."
"That is a good idea, while you are at it, get your other grievances out too, like your abuse from your relatives, and neglect of your Magical Guardian," said Zack
Megan added her two knuts and said: "Make a copy and send it to the Daily Prophet, that makes it harder to cover up."
"If you can add your memories, that would make a bigger impression, I can do it for you as a witness." offered Lisa, "Grace taught me how to do that when I said I saw her boyfriend cheating on her."
Finding Susan took longer than writing the letter, Lisa taught me how to extract copies of my memories, and Susan's owl took off with a bunch of them. Zack used his owl to send the letter to the Daily Garbage. All in all, not a bad start for our first day in school.
"Thank you, Susan, I owe you a big favor." I smiled at her, "You can ask anything, if it is in my power then I will do it."
Susan blushed: "There is one thing I can think of, Harry. The upper years told us that we used the wrong spell for those Sparks, can you explain how we got them to work for us?"
"That is simple, Susan, we use bastard Latin to name our spells, do people in Africa, China, Japan, or India use bastard Latin? No, they use other words. The name of the spell helps you visualize the spell in your mind, so it is easier to cast. Once you are convinced that Yellow Sparks is the name of that Spell, it is harder to do that spell with another name."
I looked at her and asked: "Does that make sense?"
Susan nodded: "It does, but the fact that we learned that spell so fast, why is that?"
"It was your eagerness to learn it," I explained, "So you could go to the House you wanted. Your intent to do that spell guided your Magic on the right course. As I told Neville, force your Magic to do your bidding."
That was one of the ways I read in Fan fiction to explain it. Is it true? Who cares, it worked for the Sparks, maybe it works for the rest. The others were soaking the knowledge up like a cactus after a rain shower. At least they learned something this morning.
Xxxxx
Our next class is History, taught by the most boring Ghost in Wizarding History. You can call him the ghostly variant of a sleeping spell. We were paired with the Puffs again. After a few minutes, I noticed that lazy bum is reciting the book word for word, that is another useless class.
To sass the Ghost, I started to recite the book too, only a few words in advance. When the kids saw me reading from the book, they groaned. Getting taught by a Ghost should be special instead of mind-numbing and soporific.
"They could have used a parrot for his job," I commented, "It would keep us awake with that funny voice, and prettier to look at too."
At lunch, the rumor mill turned on full force, Potter lost 110 Points in Snape's class in the first five minutes, that must be a record!
Penelope sat next to me and asked: "Why didn't you listen to my advice, Mr Potter? I warned you he is strict and harsh."
"He acted like an arse, Miss Clearwater, he insulted my father, a man that is dead for ten years, a man that died to protect me. So excuse me for standing up for myself." I answered, "No, don't excuse me, I would do it again and worse if he dares to insult my Father in front of me."
Penny sighed: "Be careful, Mr. Potter, he can be a nasty enemy, and the headmaster is protecting him. A lot of students complained about him, and nothing changed."
I shrugged: "They are lovers I suppose, why else would he keep that twat employed. I don't judge, as long they don't hinder my education."
Was I loud enough? Yep, based on the various expressions of disgust, a lot of students heard me. It must be the age difference that caused the disgust.
Grace Turpin, the Head girl took a seat in front of me, and said: "A 110 points in your first lesson, Mr Potter? Do you want us to lose the House Cup?"
"I don't know, what do we gain from winning it?" I asked
"At the feast at the end of the year, the Great Hall will be decorated with our colors, and declared our victory," she answered.
"Oh? Do you get bonus grades? Is it mentioned on your resume? Does it help you to get a better job?" I asked again,
She looked embarrassed: "No, it is for the honor to win the cup only."
"Ah, I see, who won the previous years?" that would be interesting to find out.
Grace said; "Slytherin won eight years in a row, we want to break that winning streak."
I chuckled: "Miss Turpin, I am here for one day, and even I can tell you that Slytherin will always win that cup when Snape is around. Do you want to bet on it?"
Grace sighed: "No, that would be a suckers bet."
"So why do you care about losing points if it has no other use than to fill an hourglass with blue bubbles? Does it motivate us to do our best when we know Snape is cheating the system? He can take 10 000 points from me for all I care. We all know the outcome is fixed, there is no honor in winning that cup at all."
I know, and all of that on the first day, ROB must be laughing his ass off by now. Am I going too fast? Maybe I am, I find it important to get Dumbledore off my case, ten years in a cupboard is unforgivable in my book. My comment got the other houses talking, even the Slytherins, Snape is giving them the reputation of being cheaters. Cunning means to cheat without being noticed, Snape ruins it with that obvious bias to their House.
In the afternoon we got Herbology with Sprout, after two hours we were all covered in dragon dung, except Neville and Megan, our vegetable specialists. When the class ended, they could not help but look smug at us.
I pointed my wand to myself and said: "CLEAN!" yeah, dragon dung smells like dragon shit, it motivated me to get rid of it all. It worked though, it removed all the dirt and dung from my body. Suddenly I am surrounded by girls with scary looks in their eyes.
Daphne spoke up: "You are going to teach us that spell if you know what is good for you, Potter. You know that we can make your life miserable if we want to."
Lisa protested: "Daphne! That is too heavy-handed! Harry will teach us the spell if we ask it nicely."
Daphne shook her head: "Nope, Lisa, this is too important. I smell like SHIT! Harry has the spell and I NEED that spell!"
That made the rest of the girls add their comments in agreement, dragon dung is the kind that sticks on the body and is hard to get rid of.
I held my hands up: "Alright, I get it, although Lisa was right you know, you don't have to treat me with corporeal punishment for that, Daphne, you scared me out of my skin."
"This spell is an easy one," I started, "point your wand to your body and imagine spelling all the dirt away from your body. I call it Clean because it cleans my body and clothes. I will the Magic through my wand and shape the spell with my intent. I want to have a clean body, and my Magic is making it so. Now do it!"
Daphne was the first to succeed, she was the most motivated to get cleaned up, no wonder, she had dung all over her body, even in her hair.
I came closer and sniffed: "Did you imagine the smell to go away too?"
She screamed, stamped her feet on the ground, and started all over again. The girls were spic and span by the time for dinner, clean as a whistle, shining brightly, not stinking at all.
When we sat down at the table, some of the boys still had the smell on them, which was unacceptable for the girls and exposed their new spell to the rest of the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff table. When the seniors asked where that spell came from everyone pointed at me.
I protested: "Daphne forced me to do it! She was going to make my life miserable!"
Susan spoke up: "We are glad that she forced you, Harry, if not her, we would. That spell is worth hurting you for a bit."
Zack whispered: "Girls are scary, mate."
Xxxxx
In our common room, we made our homework, a foot of the benefits of using dragon dung. To spend the rest of the evening, I read a book about household spells. My spell was described as Sanitato with some fancy wand movements. Meh, my way is better.
Flitwick came into the common room: "Mr. Potter, the headmaster wants to see you."
3 The first week.
I groaned: "But, sir, I was planning to go to bed. I am tired."
Hmm, is this going to work? No, not by the look on his face, it is going to be a more than simple meeting.
"I am afraid I must insist Mr. Potter, come along now." said Flitwick, I am certain it won't take long."
I put my book back on the shelf and followed Flitwick out the door. All kinds of scenarios are playing in my head, is Dumbledore going to do his grandpa act? The disappointed headmaster? Do his mind readin… Shit! He is going to mind whammy me! What will happen when he sees my previous life? Ok, he will get bored out of his mind when he sees my pathetic life, just say so. After that, he will erase the whole thing.
What to do… "Professor? Am I in trouble?"I asked, "If it is about those 110 points then I am not sorry. He started it."
Flitwick looked at me sideways: "That is going to be one of the points of the discussion Mr. Potter."
Oops, our letters must have stirred something up. That still doesn't lower the threat of getting mind raped… how do you even prevent it? Mirrored sunglasses are hard to find around here, wearing them will alert them that I am on to them… During our walk, I took my glasses off and tried my first silent cast, in my mind I yelled: "REFLECT!" It certainly did something, I felt my Magic flow through my body into my wand.
Flitwick noticed my cast and asked: "What spell did you try to do just now Mr. Potter?"
"My cleaning spell, professor." I answered, "I tried to cast it silent, I heard from Miss Turpin that the Newt classes are trained to do them. Her sister is the head girl."
"Ah? If you know we teach that in our Newt classes, why did you try it now?" He asked.
I shrugged: "I was wondering why we are first taught to yell our spells for five years, and then being told that you have to unlearn it, that you don't need to yell them."
That diverted him enough to lecture me about the steps of learning Magic, all the way to the headmaster's office.
Pretending to be listening to his lecture, I went over my options. I can go for the beaten-down orphan act, no, my Sparks diffused that path. The aggressive loudmouth? That can work, but it won't get me any fans. Ah! The intelligent boy! I am a Ravenclaw after all. Asking the right questions and pointing out all the crimes… it can work.
Xxxxx
Well, I am sure Mrs. J.K. meant it as something endearing, but Muggle candy as passwords? This is screaming old child molesters' lair! Especially with the bowl of candy on his desk, how more stereotype can you make it? Ah my bad, the moody sidekick, I forgot him for a moment.
Mars bars let us in, oh shit, the room is packed! I take no chances and have my wand in my hand, and my back to the door, ready to do a runner. Dumbledore sat on his throne, the sidekick lurking next to him, to the side of course, nobody is allowed behind his desk, that is his domain of power, nope the sidekick has to stay in a corner and look menacing.
The other heads of Houses are here too, and eight strangers… ah! A woman with a monocle! Dear old Amelia Bones, pictured between thirty-five to sixty-five years old. Susan's aunty and one of the most used MILFs besides Narcissa, Bellatrix, and strange but true, McGonagall. The rest must be Aurors.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in overdrive, I surprised him with my actions, last time he checked I was a small timid boy. Well, the timid is gone, soon followed by the small, here comes the smart one!
"Ah, here he is, come in, Harry my boy," Dumbledore said smoothly.
My boy again? This stereotyping is getting out of hand, or are the wizards so dense to neglect those signs? I better slap this down the hard way.
"No thank you, old man, I am perfectly fine here by the door. You, calling me my boy is all kinds of wrong. You better find someone with your kind of urges, isn't the Potion professor enough to sate them?" I might as well go for a frontal attack, Madam Bones being here means our letters arrived, and she wants answers.
My comment to Dumbledore silenced the room, everyone looked at me, some even got a bit green in the face. Snape almost bit his tongue, but knew he was in trouble and had to keep still. Although, if looks could kill, I would be a corps by now.
I held my hands up in defense: "In my old school they warned us about this kind of people, they are luring kids with candy and acting familiar. Do you see that bowl of candy on his desk? I don't want to be sodomized by him!"
Burn! Half of the Aurors wanted to puke, Flitwick took a protective position before me, and McGonagall is seconds away from fainting. Dumbledore's face froze, he was never so humiliated as now, which means I am doing a great job. Keeping them on their toes, and Dumbledore away from me is my main goal right now.
Madam Bones snapped out of it: "That will not happen while I am here, Mr. Potter," she said, "I am Madam Bones, head of the DMLE. Mr. Potter, we have some questions for you. My niece sends me a letter with memory vials, do you know of them?"
I nodded: "Yes, it was an idea from my friends to send them to you. They knew you are the aunt of Miss Susan, and she agreed to send them to you."
That got the catnip to the Kneazles… is that expression correct? Meh, who cares, what does, is the look on Dumbledore's face, all hope to nip this in the bud is gone now, and it shows on his face.
"You have very clever friends, Mr. Potter," she said, "Bringing this to the DMLE is smart, but it can backfire on you if you are not careful."
I sagely nodded: "You are right Madam Bones, that is why I am looking for legal counseling, in the meantime, I am counting on my head of House Ravenclaw to protect my rights."
She sighed: "Well, let us begin with your grief against Professor Snape. We saw the memory, and agreed that the insult to your father is unbecoming for a professor." she continued, "We also noticed that you were provoking Professor Snape with your remarks, and tricked him into responding to them."
I protested: "He started it! He insulted my father's memory in front of everyone! I only found out last month that my parents died to protect me, all of my life my relatives told me they were drunks that died in a car crash that gave me my scar, now that I know they died as heroes to protect me, I will fight everyone that dares to smear their reputation."
Eat that Snivilous! One of my best rants, even if I have to say so myself! It kicked Snape in the nuts and opened the way to the next topic.
Bones scraped her throat: "Yes, I can understand your sentiment, any who dares to taint my late husband's reputation will suffer for it too."
"That brings us to your home and the way you were raised." she continued, "According to these memories it was far from ideal, it indicates criminal neglect and years of abuse if those memories are a reflection of your upbringing."
"That was never a home to me, Madam Bones," I said, that comment made several nic-nacs puff up and fall apart, "it was a prison for me, and now that I know about Magic, several events in my life made me suspect that I was being guarded by my jailers. Every time I complained to my teachers, the ones that tried to help were transferred to another school a few days later. Neighbors that threatened to report him to child services, were acting as if nothing happened the next day."
I pointed to the nic-nacs and commented: "I bet those things are spying on me, and I bet that old pervert is my jailer."
Tadaa! That brought the attention back to the old perv, he paled when I vented my suspicions, it was too close to the truth, he didn't dare to look at his trinkets to see which have collapsed, they got enough attention as it is. All eyes turned to Dumbledore.
Madam Bones asked: "For years you proclaimed that Mr. Potter is safe and is raised and trained in a happy home, the memories my niece sent to me say otherwise. Do you care to explain, Mr. Dumbledore?"
"Ah, Amelia, what I did was for the safety of the Wizarding world. Too many of Voldemort's supporters are still free and could be a danger to Harry's life. I am certain the boy is exaggerating his home condition. What I did was needed, for the boy as for our community."
That needs a smackdown! "What? Ten years living in a cupboard under the stairs is needed? Getting beat up by my uncle for accidental Magic is for the safety of this world? Being a slave to them from six years old is exaggerating my home condition? Are you insane, old perv?"
I turned to Madam Bones: "Arabella Figs, now that I think about it, she has some unusual cats, I bet that is the spy that is living in our street. My relatives live at Privet Drive 4 Little Whinging, Surrey, Mrs. Fig in Magnolia Lane 8, you can check it out for yourselves if you want."
"It kept you alive, my boy," said Dumbledore with a frown, "no matter how bad they treated you, it kept you safe, the wards I set were to keep your enemies away. And mind your language."
"It didn't keep me safe from them, old perv!" I shot back, "Or do you find it ok to sleep on a foam mattress in a cupboard for ten years? Try it for yourself, and see if you like it. Was it safe when my aunt hit me with a frying pan when I was six? getting beatings at accidental Magic? or getting hit and kicked when my cousin caught me during his Harry hunts? If you do, then you are not fit to be around children."
Man, I am losing my temper here, is that old man so dense or does he think he is allowed to do whatever he wants?
I turned to Madam Bones: "They told me I am the last of the Potters, that the Potters are dated back for more than two thousand years, is it normal to dump an orphan from an old family to live as a house elf in a muggle home? Who is my guardian? Do I even have one?"
Hah, try to get out of this, old perv! The house elf comment is a nice touch, even if I say so mysel… I say so a lot lately, I am bragging too much.
I'm afraid that I am pushing it a bit too far, it is clear that they are afraid of Dumbledore, another one would be arrested already based on my memories. Those memories are incriminating enough to warrant it. Uncle Vernon's rants when he belted me about my freakishness, or my aunt's frying pan, the Harry hunts… Viewing these and letting that old man get away with it? Hah! That is why the newspapers got a copy of my memories.
I sighed: "I see, because he is the mugwimp, and the warlock, the headmaster of this school, he can do whatever he wants with me. Thank you for nothing, Madam Bones. Professor Flitwick? Can I leave now? I lost all trust in the authorities."
Flitwick nodded: "I understand Mr. Potter, my regards for them are lowered too, come along. Albus, we are going to have words about this, this discussion is not finished."
Xxxxx
Flitwick guided me to the hospital wing and called for the Mediwitch: "Madam Pomfrey? Can you call a healer from St Mungoos to do a legal examination?"
"I have to ask permission from the headmaster, Filius," said Pomfrey, "I am not allowed to ask for assistance without his approval"
Flitwick frowned: "Poppy, you are not asking for assistance, I ask for a certified healer to do a legal examination. And be careful what you are saying, not asking for assistance is against your oaths as a mediwitch. If you won't ask for a healer, I will take Mr. Potter to St Mungoos myself."
This is another sour spot in the Harry Potter books, ten years in a cupboard and poor food leaves evidence behind, and she has never done anything about it. Although I can give her the benefit of the doubt, I am here for only one day, so she hasn't had a chance to examine me.
A Floo call later produced an old man in white robes… no, not with a red cross or moon on it, just white robes.
"Professor Flitwick?" he said, "Why are you asking for a healer? Surely there are no accidents already happening on the first day of class?"
Flitwick pointed at me: "Healer Stanford, student Harry Potter just gave a statement to the Aurors of his abusive home condition. As his head of House, I ask you to do a complete, detailed, and thorough examination. Copies of this examination are for the head of the DMLE, Madam Bones, one for my office, one for St Mungoos, and for Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore."
Healer Stanford frowned: "The boy-who-Lived grew up in an abusive home? How can that be? They told us he grew up with friends in a castle. Mr. Potter, go to that bed and remove your clothes, you may keep your briefs on."
He shook his head to clear his mind and waved his wand all over my body, several parts of my body started to glow in different colors. Healer Stanford's frown deepened more and more during his scan.
"Madam Pomfrey, parchment and a dicta quill please," commanded Healer Stanford, "then stand beside me as an official witness for this examination. This is now a high-profile case for the DMLE. Professor Flitwick, you are now acting as his official Guardian, who ever were his guardians before now, will face a criminal investigation."
The following hour was illuminating, ten years of abuse and malnutrition were the obvious flaws, no inoculations, yes, the bindings on my Magic were there too, two of them, a parental and a Dumbles block. A blood tracker, traces of several spells that limited my functions were found, they were dispelled just a few days ago… probably the time when I woke up in Vernon's car and replaced the original Harry. The traditional Mail block and house elf block… Bummer, no Veela block. The icing on the cake was my scar, that got him fuming mad.
"Why wasn't he brought to St Mungoos in 81?" he demanded, "This thing has been festering in that scar and is slowly rooting his way through the defenses that are containing it. It is too late for us to remove it, we need curse breakers to remove all traces. That block on his Magic needs a curse breaker too, I already removed the parental block."
Healer Stanford looked at Professor Flitwick: "I am taking Mr. Potter with me to St Mungoos, you have to come along to register him as your ward."
Alright… even I must admit that we are going fast, on my first day in school, I got Dumbledore in trouble and get my body a tune-up. Meh, we'll blame it on Ravenclaw.
Xxxxx
St Mungoos was fun, as the Boy-who-lived, I am a high-profile patient, which means I get the pretty nurses and the better food, yes, that includes spoon feeding and sponge baths! Got my first boner too when a twenty-something nurse made sure it was properly clean.
It killed the mood when she commented: "I am flattered, Mr. Potter, if you were only ten years older I would be asking for a date."
"I suppose wishing you were ten years younger doesn't work either?" I asked.
She shook her head, "Nope, I had a fiancee ten years ago."
I asked: "Oh? Does your husband allow you to go on dates?"
She smiled sadly: "No, he was killed a few weeks before you vanquished that maniac."
It killed my boner too, "I am sorry to hear that, nurse, I guess everyone had a hard time because of him."
She sighed: "I have yet to find a suitable man, none can compare with my Robert. We were childhood friends, and betrothed at ten years old."
I tried to lighten the mood: "Too bad I am not ten years older, maybe I had a chance to woo you."
While drying me, she chuckled: "Yes, you would be a prime candidate, Mr. Potter. Here is some bad news, this rack of potions is for you to take before you go to sleep, some of them taste very bad. Take them with fifteen minutes intervals for maximum performance, good night Mr. Potter."
She left me with some foul-tasting potions, I shuddered at the thought of what ingredients were used to brew them, although we muggles can't criticize, take wine for example, which is basically the juice of rotting grapes, beer is made of fermented grains or rice. A lot of dishes around the world are made of rotting ingredients. My guess is that when you are hungry you eat everything, and some of it tastes good, hence the national dishes from a lot of countries.
Where was I?… ah foul potions before bedtime makes it hard to fall asleep. The curse breakers were having fun with my scar, their kind of fun though, which means solving hard-to-break curses with trial and error, some of those errors woke me up screaming from pain.
Finally, I shouted: "Bloody hell! Transfer it to a bloody pig and bloody kill that thing!"
It was one of the most popular solutions in Fan fiction, it might work here too, this is a fantasy world after all.
I lost my pretty nurse that day… Gringots doesn't have pretty nurses, nope, you can hardly tell if they are male or female. I got strapped on a cold table and they actually used my idea! Those naffers brought a pig into the room, not a small one, no, a fucking adult mean-looking pig.
A bit worried I asked: "Didn't they have something a few sizes smaller? That pig is huge!"
One of the curse breakers chuckled: "Oh no, Mr. Potter, it has to be a full-grown pig to work, we guess that once it is out of your head, it will move to the strongest body. We are warded, so it is the pig or return back to you. It has more meat on it too."
Hah! The ritual worked, two hours of chanting and dancing… it is not a pretty sight to see some old dudes hopping around, my scar burst open and a black goo came out of it. The goo formed a snake-faced head that screamed and went for the pig. The Joker got bit in the ass by that pig, it was my turn to chuckle, payback is a pig!
Xxxxx
It took a week to get me straightened out, what is left is a month of nutrition potions and gymnastics. All the blocks are gone, no more scars or mind whammies, this boy is ready for some serious nurs… action!
I slammed the doors open of the Great Hall at dinner time, and said one of the most famous movie lines: "I'm Ba~ack!"