Chapter 570 - Ch: 1-3

1 The trouble with Tits, and Boobies.

Hello, my name is… Currently, it is Harry Potter, a fictional product of Rowling's imagination. The question is, how did I get here? I remember before passing out that I was surrounded by a few hundred black robed floating, scary… things.

Slowly, the memories of old Harry rushed into my mind. That poor bloke got kissed by those Dementors!… and somehow I took his place. This can't be real! It means I am in J.K. Rowling's head… no, original Potter survives that… Bloody fuck! Am I in a Fan Fiction Writer's head? Let me out of here! Those are all maniacs! I don't want to fuck Draco or worse, that greasy bat!

After calming down, I looked around me, I recognized the scene. Fudge is in denial, and Dumbledore is entering the room. I got out of my bed and stood next to Hermione while she was trying to convince Dumbledore of the truth.

I heard Dumbledore say, "It is out of my hands, Miss Granger, but tonight two lives can be saved. Remember, Miss Granger, you can not be seen. Three turns should be enough," and he left! That bastard is telling a little girl to go back in time and clean his mess.

Hermione turned to me and took a golden chain from under her clothes, and included me in the chain. She mumbled "Three turns…"

I stopped her and softly said, "Make it five, Hermione. We need to have a serious talk."

Hermione froze up and whispered, "You know? How?"

I answered, "Five turns and I will explain, Hermione. Hurry."

Hermione got her wits back and did five turns. Going back five hours is insane, stupid, and AWESOME! We popped back into existence in the Hospital wing. Hermione took my hand and pulled me along. We entered the first empty classroom we encountered. Hermione turned to me and opened her mouth. I held my hand up and said, "Not here. Come, I know a better place."

This time, I was pulling her along to the seventh floor. The RoR, of course. It is there, why not use it? I need those extra hours to adjust to this new situation. Should I tell her or not?

We reached the tapestry of the dancing trolls. I started pacing back and forth, imagining a place where we could not be detected by any Magic and books about detecting spells and potions. I know it has been done a thousand times, but it only proves that it works. By the third pass, a door appeared.

I opened the door and pulled Hermione inside. Behind us, the door disappeared. Relieved, I sighed. "We can talk freely now, Hermione. Do you have any questions?"

"How did you find out about my time turner? What is this room? How did you find this room? Why didn't you tell me about this room? When Hmmbllbbll…" that was my hand on her mouth.

I grinned at her and teased, "I asked do you have any questions, not to blurt them out all at once. Give me time to answer. Well, first of all, you were taking two classes at the same time, how else could you do that without splitting yourself in two?"

Still with my hand on her mouth, I continued, "I discovered this room not so long ago to get away from the bickering between you and Ron over that bloody rat. Why didn't I tell you about this room? The same reason you did not tell about your time turner… no, because you preferred to listen to the one who gave you that time turner, and kept it a secret from me."

Hermione removed my hand and protested, "Professor McGonagall gave me this Time Turner and forbade me to tell you or Ron about it. Meeting your previous or your future self can cause disasters."

I nodded, "And yet she gave it to a fourteen-year-old child, and an old man just told you to go back in time to save a Hippogrif and an escaped prisoner. What is wrong in this picture, Hermione?"

Hermione shook her head, "Nothing, Harry. We just have to figure out the exact timing to set Buckbeak free and intercept Sirius Black and Pettigrew."

I took a deep breath and asked, "That is not what I meant, Hermione. Why did Dumbledore send us back in time?"

Hermione corrected me, "Headmaster Dumbledore, watch your Language, Harry."

That is one of the most annoying tics of hers. I have to cure her from that before I get mad and spank her ass.

I sighed, "Hermione, are you my Mother? My sister? My Grandmother? My wife? An Aunt? Or are you a professor?"

Hermione frowned, "No, Harry, what are you talking about?"

I pointed at her, "Those are the only ones that are allowed to correct my language, Hermione. You are my best friend, not my spell checker, nor are you my teacher. If I say Dumbledore, it is because he doesn't deserve the Headmaster title or my respect."

Hermione gasped, "But Harry! He is the leader of the Light!"

I shrugged, "I ask again, why did he send two teenagers back in time to do his work? Tell me, Hermione, doesn't the Headmaster of Hogwarts have the power to grant sanctuary? Doesn't the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot have the power to call the DMLE to investigate? Doesn't he have the duty to arrange a trial for Sirius? What about the Supreme Mugwump of the ICW? He could take Sirius to the Continent and give him a trial there. Again, why did he send two kids back in time to do his job?"

Hermione had to process that, she suggested an option, "Minister Fudge already had a Dementor with him to administer the Kiss?"

I nodded, "And Dumbledore knows how to cast a Patronus, and he is ten times stronger than Fudge. Any other reasons?"

She whispered, "He must have had his reasons… There must be something we don't know about."

Ah, now I can show her the Light of that Light Lord.

I told her, "I am that reason, Hermione. With a free Sirius Black, I could escape that hellhole I grew up in and live with Sirius. Dumbledore is adamant that I stay with my Aunt, no matter how badly they are treating me. Living with Sirius will let him lose his grasp on me."

Hermione asked timidly, "Is it that bad?"

I removed my robes and shirt, then I showed her my bare back, "That is the reason I was not allowed to take the swimming class, Hermione."

Hermione gasped when she saw the scars, there were not many, but they were easily recognized. Cigar burns leave distinctive marks, I have three of them. So were the two marks from Vernon's belt buckle.

I commented while I put my shirt back on, "Can you tell me how many times I was in the Hospital wing? Don't you think McGonagall and Dumbledore should know about the scars? Or are they from an Era where physical punishment is considered normal? Having some scars is normal?"

Hermione grabbed me in a tight hug and sobbed with her head on my shoulders. Yeah, me being the runt of the litter, she is bigger than me, almost a year older too. She kept on saying, "I didn't know! Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped!"

I hugged her back, hmm, her boobs are pressed against me… Nice. I told her, "I knew it was a lost cause after the first time I was in the hospital wing and Pomfrey didn't open her mouth. It was confirmed when Dumbledore refused to let me stay in the castle or to put me with decent folks."

"I have a ton of unanswered questions, Hermione, and they all point to an evil plot against me. Ron, for example, is he a friend or is he our guard dog? How many friends did you make in these three years?"

Hermione said, "I have friends! Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis, and Padma Patil from Ancient Runes and Arithmancy. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot from Ancient Runes."

I nodded, "All Classes where Ron can not chase them away. Did you have the opportunity to talk to them in other classes? They are Snakes, Bookworms, or dumb Duffers. Did he apologize to you when he found that rat? He treated you horribly all year over a stupid rat. I might give him one more chance, then I won't waste my time with him anymore."

Hermione softly said, "We have been friends for three years, Harry. We can not throw that away."

I am still hugging her while I say, "Three years, Hermione? Was he a friend this year? Or in your first? What about the riot he caused about that Firebolt?"

Hermione leaned back to look in my eyes, "You were part of that riot, Harry, don't you remember?"

I got serious, "I was not mad about that Firebolt, Hermione. I was mad because you went behind my back and tattled on me like I was a stupid kid who didn't know any better. You said it could have been from Sirius Black, and you rushed to McGonagall. But I admit I overreacted and should have apologized for that. I do now. Can you forgive me? Please?"

Hermione smiled, I forgive you if you forgive me for tattling on you. I am sorry for that, Harry. Hmm, shouldn't we stop hugging?"

I didn't lose my grip. "Nope, why? I happen to love your hugs. They are the only ones I ever had or can remember. I am comfy right now. Do you want to stop hugging?"

Slowly, Hermione shook her head, "Not really, I like your hugs too. I only got them from my parents. What else do you think is wrong with your situation, Harry?"

I thought for a bit, "My first Christmas here. What presents do you think the Boy Who Lived got? A fifty-pence coin from my Aunt, a flute from Hagrid, although that was not a present but a hint to get past Fluffy. My invisibility cloak, which was not a present either, it belonged to my Dad. And a green Weasley sweater with a box of fudge from Mrs Weasley. Because Ron told his mum that he thinks The Boy Who Lives won't get any presents."

Hermione frowned, "I gave you a book, Harry. I thought you didn't like that book and put it away. Now that you mentioned it, you should have received plenty of presents. Even if they were to suck up to you. I did not get a present from you, though."

I shrugged, "I spent my Christmases in my cupboard under the stairs, Hermione. I never got any gift, and they refused to get one from me. Petunia slapped my face once when I gave her a card with a drawing on it. She said she doesn't want a thing from freaks. I forgot to give presents, and nobody reminded me of it. That fifty-pence coin was Aunt Petunia's first Christmas gift ever to me."

I slapped her bum lightly, "Lose the grip a bit, Hermione, I need to breathe. No! Keep the hug!"

Hermione sobbed, "You will not return to those horrible people, Harry. You will be living with my parents and me. I don't care what Dumbledore says, you will be living with us."

I sighed, I do that a lot lately, "That will be difficult, Hermione. Dumbledore insists I go back there, and I doubt your Muggle parents can stop him."

I have several solutions for that, some of which contain murder and dismembering. There is no way I'm going back there. A Summer starving on one bowl of soup a day, that told me that Dumbledore doesn't give a shit about me. After blowing Marge up last year, I doubt I will have a happy Summer, even when I threaten them with Sirius Black.

I am starting to have a bulging problem that needs adjusting. To be sure, I asked, "Would your parents agree to take me in, Hermione? I am one big walking calamity."

Hermione nodded, "My parents are dentists, Harry. They are obligated to report child abuse. That is the first thing they will do when you come home with me."

That will open a whole new can of worms. Let's see if she has a solution for that. "What do we tell them if they ask where we spent the last three years? In an exclusive school? What child abusers send their nephew to an exclusive private school? He was always an attention-seeking child, officers. He even mutilated himself to get into the spotlight. See those marks? He did that to himself! Ask the neighbors, he was always a difficult child. We even sent him to an exclusive school, and he is still seeking attention."

Hermione groaned, "And if we call the DMLE, Dumbledore will interfere."

I slid my hand in my pants pocket and adjusted the position of my Dude. Hermione noticed it, "What did you just do, Harry?"

Honesty is best… I think, "I have an erection, Hermione, I had to move it in a more comfortable position."

Hermione acted naturally, "Oh, that's fine. What do you suggest we do, Harry? We can't go to Child Services, not on the Muggle side, nor on the Magical side."

I grinned, "Blackmail, Hermione. Pure extortion, I will send a letter that if they don't transfer guardianship to your parents, I will expose my treatment to the Magical World. They will face Azkaban for it if they survive the arrest."

I got out of the hug and went to the book cabinet. I took a book, Tracking charms, detecting, removing, and administering. I handed it to Hermione, "We have an hour and a half to learn this, Hermione. I bet I have plenty of tracking charms on me, and my invisibility Cloak."

Xxxxx

Yep, this boy is loaded! I have tracking charms on almost every hard surface. My glasses, shoes, belt buckle, my wand have three of them, Hermione has them on her shoes and Time Turner.

I stopped her from removing them, "That will alert Dumbledore, love. We remove them on the train. Take this book for listening spells."

Her scream was deafening, "There are listening spells on me? Let me see that book!"

Again, this boy is loaded! They are all over me. Hermione has a few too. Red hot blushing, she removed one from her body and put it on her shoe. She grumbled, "I can not believe that old pervert, to put listening spells on teenagers, he must have lost his marbles."

I asked, "Is it that bad, Hermione?"

Hermione glared at me, "It doesn't bother you when he is listening when you are masturbating?"

I shrugged, "I haven't started that yet, have you? You are a year older, and girls mature faster than boys, I'm told."

Hermione growled, "Yes, I have, and that pervert was listening!" She gasped, "Is he listening to us now?"

I shook my head, "No, I asked for a room that shields all trackers and listening spells. That is why Dumbledore said three hours instead of five. We can discuss our next course of action without rushing it."

Xxxxx

We left the room after the two hours were over. I made a door close to our Common room. We entered our common room without speaking out loud. I grabbed a piece of parchment and wrote a letter to give to Sirius. And some extras to communicate with Hermione if it is needed. The sad part? We had to let Pettigrew escape.

I tried to call on Dobby, but I guess he is not in Hogwarts yet. That will be one of the first tasks when I am out of here, hiring Dobby. We went to the Hospital wing and started our act. I followed the books, almost word for word. We saw Sirius take Ron, we saved Buckbeak, and waited.

I told her, "You know, we are right on the path of Lupin. I think it was you who lured him away from us with that howl. Do your howl, and we have to run away from here fast. We'd better not get a bite from him."

If that mangy wolf comes too close, he will get a set of Bombardas on his ass. I can't conjure silver yet, but it is on my list to do.

We followed Canon, up until Harry got his snog. Why did he get snogged, you ask? I had to try that fucking spell three times to make it work. How, you ask? I gave Hermione a snog to get the right mentality. No stag Patronus for me, I got a panther... or leopard... or jaguar, mountain lion, they all look the same to me. Well, both of us got a snog. Original Harry from a Dementor, and I got one from Hermione.

Hermione gasped when she saw original Harry get snogged by a Dementor. I put a finger on her lips to keep her quiet and gave her a piece of parchment. It said: We talk about it in the room! Wary, she looked at me, but nodded.

It was time, we mounted Buckbeak and flew to the window where Sirius was being kept. The window opened with an Alomohora, Sirius looked slack-jawed at us. Hermione urged him on, "Come on, Sirius, they are on the way with a Dementor."

While Hermione told her lines, I motioned to Sirius to keep silent while I handed him my letter. I said out loud while shaking my head, "Maybe it is best to leave the country, Sirius. Keep yourself safe."

Sirius put he letter in his pocket and got on Buckbeak. We went off on a balcony and saw Sirius fly away. "We need to hurry, Harry, it is almost time." Urged Hermione.

We hid in an alcove close to the Hospital Wing. There was not much room in that alcove, but I did not complain at all. Yeah, this boy did not have much experience with girls, or with people in general. We went to Dumbledore when he closed the door, Hermione distracted him, "We did it, Headmaster! Sirius Black is gone on Buckbeak." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in overdrive. Hermione avoided it by turning to me and saying, "We can finally rest, Harry. It was a long day."

Dumbledore listened at the door and unlocked it. "You did well, both of you. Now, go inside, and I will lock the door."

Xxxxx

The door slammed open. I was just dozing off when Snape barged in, "It was you! I know it was you, Potter!"

I nodded, "Sure, it was me. I did everything, according to you. What did I do now? That essay is only due in two days. Why are you yelling at me for that?"

"You let Black escape!" Roared Snape. "I know it was you!"

Fudge came after him in the room. I called out, "Minister, can you get this possessed man away from me, please? He thinks I let Sirius Black escape. How could I do that? I think he is touched in the head."

"POTTER! I have you expelled for that!" roared Snape with foam on his mouth. "You won't get away with this, Potter!"

I pulled the covers up to my chin and complained with a scared voice, "Minister, that man has foam on his mouth, and it is a full moon. Are we safe from him? Where is Madam Pomfrey? I am scared."

Fudge took a few steps back, "It couldn't be Potter, Severus. He is wounded in the Hospital Wing. How could he have it done? I must say that I don't like your temper. Ah, Dumbledore, control your professors, this one is losing his mind."

Snape shook his head, "I know it was him, I just know it! I want him expelled!"

Dumbledore smoothed the tempers, "Come on, Severus, calm down, we will talk about it tomorrow. There will be a good explanation for this mess-up."

Snape noticed that Dumbledore would not budge and refused to expel me. He left the room with his cape billowing. Dumbledore took Fudge along to his office. I grinned at Hermione and blew her a kiss. It made her blush nicely.

Ron scowled, "What was Snape yelling about? What did you do, Harry?"

I shrugged, "He thinks I let Sirius black escape, and is throwing a hissy fit over it."

Ron shivered, "They are all mad, mate. Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, all of them barmy."

I nodded, "In a way, you are barmy too, Ron. For three years, you have been sleeping with an adult man in your bed. Percy even longer. That can not be good for your mental health. You'd better let a healer check your butt for defects."

Hermione gasped, "Ron! Harry is right, Morgana knows what Pettigrew has done to you!"

That was enough to shut him up. It gave me time to reflect on my situation, how the fluck did I end up here? Last thing I remember, I was flying in an airplane to Edinburgh for a city trip, and then, nothing? A heart attack? A stroke? Terrorist bomb?

That does not explain why I am in a Harry Potter story. That boy is a mix of Cinderella and Oliver Twist, while Dumbledore tries to be a mix of Saruman and Gandhi. He is failing at that, by the way. I challenge everyone who thinks Dumbledore is a good guy to give a valid explanation for his actions, except the Greater Good, of course.

But... I am here and plan to have as much fun as I can have. I have to avoid some pitfalls, but that won't be that hard. I hope that Sirius is reading my letter before he skips the country. I have a lot of questions, though. I am Harry fucking Potter and plan to enjoy myself.

Lupin, for example. Hagrid's hut is on the map. Why did he never see Pettigrew on it? He knows it is a full moon and needs his potion, but why did he rush to us a few moments before the full moon is up? Why leave the shrieking shack if he knows it is a full moon? Is he an idiot?

Snape? Meh, he is a bully and is taking revenge on my Dad because Dad was a bully to him. Where is the logic? Don't give that soppy drivel of being a silent Hero, with great courage spying for Dumbledore. Helping Harry on his path to die is more like it.

Xxxxx

Pomfrey released us in the morning, we still have classes, or are the tests starting? Meh, at the breakfast table, news got around that Snape let it slip that Lupin is a Werewolf, and Lupin quit his job. I stood up and whispered to Hermione, "I'll get my map and cloak back, save some sandwiches for me, please." Blushing, she nodded.

A twin Weasley called out, "Hey, Potter, no mushy stuff on the breakfast table!"

I shrugged, "I have to be fast, or all the good ones are spoken for, Fred or George. I would hurry to get Jones and Spinet before they are gone."

I was out the door before they had a snappy comeback. I knocked on the door of Lupin's quarters. "Come in, Harry," came Lupin's voice.

I entered the room and saw the map. I took it, tapped it with my wand, and said, "Mischief managed." Then I put it in my pocket. I saw my cloak and took it too. I said, "They are of no use to you now. What are you going to do?"

Lupin sighed, "Find another job. It is hard to keep a job when I have to call in sick every full moon."

I looked at him, "You are not very smart, are you? Tell the boss you are a Pagan and have revels at every full moon. Offer to work extra, overtime, or weekends. Enough nutcases are pretending to be Pagans, you would fit right in."

Ah, he didn't think that far. I added, "There are plenty of jobs that you can use Magic without Muggles noticing, repairing antique furniture or repairing clocks, for example."

I walked to the door and asked, "Do you remember the day that you made me feel guilty for going to Hogsmeade? I was jeopardizing my safety and tainting their sacrifice."

Lupin nodded, "I remember. What about it?"

I answered, "What about my parents? They sacrificed my safety to lay a trap for Voldemort. They knew he was after me. Instead of moving to the other side of the planet, they hide in a magical village. Did they think about me? They didn't even think about my future, because I got dumped with Petunia, and whoever dropped me there never looked back."

That will be a nice conversation with Dumbledore, who was listening around the corner, invisible, of course.

Hermione saved some sandwiches for me; she would make the perfect wife if she would quit nagging. The fact that she knows she has a listening spell made her shut up.

Xxxxx

Just before lunch, I went to the twins, I silenced the listening spells on them and me, then I made my offer. "Guys, you will become proud members of our Ornithologist club. I call it Potter birds… No, Twin Birds is more appropriate."

George or Fred frowned, "Why would we want to be a member of a bird watching club, Harrykins?"

I grinned, "Because it will be fun, Georgefre. Let me give a topic to discuss at the dinner table. Do you know those small birds that are common here and in Europe? A yellow belly, a white head with a black or blue streak on top of the head? Yellow-greenish wings?"

One of the two got it, "You mean at Tit!… …. Sign me up for your bird watching club, Harrikins. I just know what bird we will thoroughly discuss at dinner."

I grinned, "We could discuss desserts too, you know, the number of spots there are on a dick, for example."

Xxxxx

At dinner, I sat close to the twins, Hermione sat next to me. One of the two opened the conversation, "Harrikins, what are you planning for the holidays?"

I shrugged, "Not much, stay at home and spot some tits in the neighborhood, I think."

The other one asked, "Are there a lot of tits in your neighborhood, Harrikins? We don't have a lot of tits at home."

I nodded, "A lot of normal ones, I spotted some great tits too, though. I had to be stealthy, they are gone before you know it. If you hide, they are more unsuspecting and show more of themselves. I like them all, though. Last winter, I spotted some blue tits, the poor things were half frozen."

By now, everyone was listening to our discussion, the boys with full attention, and the girls with scandalized faces.

Fred or George nodded, "That is actually a great cause. We will search for tits in our village too. We love it when they bounce up and down, it is mesmerizing."

By now, Hermione is pinching me with a vengeance. I frowned, "What is the matter, honey?"

A voice behind me said, "That will be fifty points each from Mr. Potter and both Mr Weasleys for improper behavior and exposing the younger years to filthy talk. Detention until the end of term!"

I turned to McGonagall and asked, "What in Merlin's name are you talking about, Professor? What filthy talk do you mean?"

McGonagall snapped at me, "You know very well what I mean, Mr Potter! Another twenty points for back-talking at me!"

I called out, "Since when is talking about birds a crime? Fred and George started a bird watching club today with me, and we were discussing Tits… PROFESSOR! What in Merlin's name are you thinking? How can you corrupt an innocent small bird and turn it into something indecent?"

Fred or George sighed and said, "It is us, Harry, because we sometimes joke around, they think we can't discuss serious subjects. Even talking about birds is taken out of context and perverted."

The other one added, "Maybe we should quit the club, Harry. We don't want to drag you down with us. You have it hard enough as the Boy Who Lived."

I shook my head, "No, Fred and George, if they don't like the word tit, they should complain to the people who named them! I, for one, find tits lovely birds. I love the great tits, the blue tits, even the normal and coal tits! Professor? Where is our crime? What did we do wrong? Don't you like tits?… Ah, you are a cat person, you eat them!

One of the twins sighed, "Stop talking about birds, Harry, their minds are in the gutter. Let's talk about desserts."

I sagged my shoulders and nodded, "OK, we will change the subject. Guys, do you know how many spots need to be on a dick before they call it a Spotted Dick?"

"MR POTTER!" raged McGonagall.

I turned and shouted back, "What now? Are desserts off limits too? OK, Guys, we will discuss birds again. Did you know that when boobies have bright, blue feet, they are more attractive to the females? They are!"

I shrugged, "That is nothing compared to the Horned Screamer, the bigger the horn, the more the females like them. Then you have the European Shag, which is always good for a laugh. Did you know they have a counterpart in New Zealand? The Rough-Faced Shag. It must be a Maori thing. They love to make scary faces."

I looked back at McGonagall, "I admit that the naming sense of some birdwatchers is off-key. Like, who names a bird a Drab Seedeater? A Swallow? Or a Hoary Puffleg? That is asking to be scolded. It was an angry dad who called a bird a Noisy Miner. Or Noisy Pitta. There is even a Ruddy Pigeon. Are you going to take points from us because you don't like the names of birds, Professor?"

I grinned at Hermione, "I bet you know plenty of funny mammal names too. Can you name a few?"

2 Birds and Snakes

That is a challenge in Hermione's eyes. Without thinking, she started to recite funny names, "I know more than funny mammals, Harry. I know plenty of them, like, did you know there are other kinds of Boobies? You named the Blue-Footed Boobies, there are also Red-Footed Boobies and Brown Boobies. There are fish called Boops Boops. There is the Dik Dik, and the Penis Snake, or the Slippery Dick. Although the Penis Snake is not a snake at all, it is an amphibian."

"Miss Granger! Twenty points from Griffindor for foul language!"

Hermione was chocked, "But Professor! Those are the official names of animals. Just like spotted dick is the official name of a dessert. Why are you taking offense at that? Why are you angry when Harry said Tit? The official name is breasts, Professor. Tits are sweet little birds that prefer our gardens to live in."

I patted her back, "Hermione, from today on, you are an honorary member of the Twin Birds. We will rely on you to research birds with uncommon names. We will do our best to spread the knowledge of those unusual birds. We void the membership fee, of course."

I turned to McGonagall, "Professor, is it possible to return those points? We were discussing birds, not the things that are haunting the dark places of your mind. Please, Professor, we already have to endure the unfair points the Head of Slytherin takes from us. Don't join him in harassing us. Breathing too loud, being an insufferable know-it-all, or discussing birds should not be a reason to take points from us."

Without a word, McGonagall turned away and went back to her table. I told the Twins, "We have to look up the Red-footed Boobies, guys. I did not know of them. I pass on the Slippery Dick, though."

Hermione commented, "The Slippery Dick is a fish, Harry."

I patted her leg and nodded, "Thank you for the information, Hermione. I would be lost without you."

That was enough fun for dinner. I have to save some for tomorrow.

Xxxxx

We entered the RoR after checking the surroundings. It was the same room as yesterday. I presented my cloak to Hermione, "I told you yesterday that I bet this is covered in listening and tracking charms, do you want to do the honors?"

The first rule to keep Hermione happy: Get her something to do. Something that challenges her intelligence.

Hermione cast her spells, behold! This is not an invisibility cloak, this is a shiny beacon that tells Dumbledore where I am and what I am doing. Hermione shook her head and reported, "There are traces of spells I can not identify. I can remove the simple ones, but I think they are decoys to mask the real ones. I cast a silencing spell on the cloak, Harry, but I doubt it will keep everything out."

I shrugged, "We can use the cloak to let Dumbledore find out what we want him to know. This room is warded against trackers and listening charms."

I faced her, "Can you tell me why you went along with the Twins and me? Normally, you are parroting McGonagall and Dumbledore like a Zealot."

Hermione glared at me, "Do you know what it feels like when you find out an old man is listening when you masturbate? I want to pluck that old pervert's beard and strangle him with it!"

She pointed a finger at me, "Don't distract me, Harry Potter! I saw you getting kissed last night, and your Patronus changed from a stag to a Leopard. Explain!"

I shrugged, "If you can't explain it, why do you think I can? You are twice as smart. Maybe my Leopard pushed my soul back into my body, my Leopard being an avatar of my soul. My Patronus changed because of that. Do you have a better explanation?'

Slowly, Hermione shook her head, "No, I can not explain it either. Watching you get kissed was horrible, Harry." Then she realized something, "You kissed me! You took my first kiss!"

I hugged her, "You took my second one, Hermione, although I don't count the first as a real one. Do I have to take responsibility?"

Hermione frowned, "Whatever do you mean by responsibility?"

Crap, this isn't a Chinese or Japanese story, they do that all of the time. I'll bullshit my way out of it, "I meant to compensate for stealing your first kiss, Hermione. A first kiss is important, I heard."

Hermione was curious, "What do you have to compensate me, Harry?"

I put my lips close to her ear and whispered, "I can let you take one of my kisses, two or three even."

Hermione tightened her hug and softly asked, "Only three, Harry? What if I demand more of them?"

I nibbled her ear and answered, "For you, Hermione, you can get as many kisses as you want, free of charge."

Hermione offered her lips and said, "I'll take one now, Harry."

Yesterday's snog was done in a rush, I took my time with this one. With one hand on the back of her head, fingers going through her hair, the other hand going from her shoulders to just above her ass. It is too soon to rub her butt. Going on the suppressed moans, she clearly enjoyed the snog.

A minute later, we released the liplocks, not coming up for air as some Authors like to write, those dumbasses forgot you can breathe through your nose. Why am I thinking about this stuff? I have to concentrate on the girl!

I sighed, "Call me whenever you want another one, love. That was one hot snog. Hold a bit, I have to adjust Little Dude."

Right, if you don't have a boner after snogging Hermione for a minute, go find Draco or Snape. Hermione hummed softly, "I will be coming back for more, Harry. One is not enough."

I asked, "When are you going to write your parents about me? If they move too fast, Dumbledore will find out, and I am back to square one. I also don't want to put your parents in danger, Hermione."

Hermione thought for a bit, "I'll write them tomorrow, Harry. They suspect some already through my letters. It is not that hard to figure out, but you never wanted to talk about it."

I smiled sadly, "Snogging a Dementor made me change my mind, Hermione. Now I want to live, I want to have fun, and I want another snog… no, you have to demand themhmmbbll."

That was Hermione claiming her third snog. That wasn't all we did, we researched spells to shrink and enlarge our suitcases, spells to silence the listening charms, alert spells for our trunks to keep sticky fingers out, and believe me, Ron has sticky fingers! Using a fork or knife is optional for Ron, so he does have sticky fingers.

Xxxxx

I said when we were about to leave the room, "We'll come back tomorrow to check our trunks. I bet they have charms on them too."

Hermione nodded, then she asked, "Harry? What are we now? Us?"

I shook my head, "I don't know, to be honest. All my life, they told me I was a useless waste of space. I never took part in their family life. I had to watch from the side or stay in my cupboard. I like you, Hermione, I like you very much. At the moment, you are the most important one in my life. The sad part is that you are the only one in my life. I don't know if this is real love, or me clinging to the first friendly girl I met."

I shrugged, "That was what happened with Ron, he was the first one who wanted to be my friend. The first one in my whole life, Hermione. If it were Dean or Seamus, I would have clung to them."

I hugged her, "I want to try whatever you want, Hermione. Be it a friend, girlfriend, lover, or just an occasional kisser. Because I don't have a clue about relationships."

Hermione bit her lower lip, her teeth are not fixed yet, and said, "I am not an expert on relationships either, Harry. Just like you, I did not have friends at school. Can we start with kisses, and go from there?"

We left the room after one last snog.

Xxxxx

When we entered the common room, Ron complained, "Where have you been? You abandoned me!"

I shrugged, "We were researching spells, Ron. We did that by reading old books. We wanted to spare you, because you are not a fan of reading books. Where is Percy, by the way?"

Ron scoffed, "In his Headboy room, of course! Showing off his status and being important."

I sighed and said, "Come along, Ron. Hermione, can you get the Twins and Ginny? The Weasleys need to know about the rat."

Ron paled, "Can you do that without me, mate? I don't want to think about that."

I shook my head, "Man up, mate, it is a bitter potion, but you need to take it. You can't run away from it."

Xxxxx

I knocked on Percy's door. Percy opened the door and sourly said, "This better be good. I am studying for my NEWT, and my time is precious."

I nodded, "It is super important, Percy, life-changing important. I'll tell you about it when Hermione is here with the Twins and your sister."

Percy kept his superior attitude, "I doubt it is life-changing when it is about those two slackers."

I was spared from further comments when Hermione came with Ginny and the twins in tow. After closing the door, we came to the main subject.

I asked Percy, "How long did you have Scabbers, Percy?"

Percy frowned and recalled, "If I remember it right, I found him when I was five in midwinter. Why do you ask?"

I answered, "Because rats only live two to four years, Percy."

Percy shrugged, "I know, I thought Dad changed him for another rat when it got too old. I never questioned it."

I took a deep breath, "Then I got bad news for you, Percy. Scabbers never died or got replaced. Scabbers is a rat animagus called Peter Pettigrew, who lived in your house for twelve years. We confronted him last night, but he escaped. Ask Ron, he was there."

Ron reluctantly nodded, "It's true, Percy. I saw him change. It was he who betrayed the Potters to You Know Who, not Black. Sirius Black escaped prison when he saw our picture on the Prophet. Scabbers was on my shoulder in that picture."

Percy was shocked, "I don't believe it! Who wants to be a rat for all of its life? It doesn't make sense!"

I tried to speculate. "Pettigrew was a Death Eater, Percy. He was with Voldemort at my parents' cottage. His buddies will have questions about it. And his friends would have found out eventually." Then I pointed out, "The fact remains that you had a strange man living in your house, in your room. A Death Eater. I suggest warning your parents and letting yourself be examined for mind-altering spells. Just to be sure."

Percy groaned, "First Ginny, now everyone, can it get any worse?"

Ginny growled, "That was why that dirty rat always wanted to sneak in when I took a bath! I will kill that sneaky rodent!"

Ron groaned, "I took him in my bathtub and washed him!"

Percy didn't say it, but he did too. The twins were mentally recalling their dealings with the rat. George or Fred called out, "Nope, the rat avoided us after we experimented with some of our jokes on him. Remember when we wanted to cut a piece of his tail for a potion? I never saw him run that fast."

Percy took a piece of parchment and a quill, "Leave, everyone, I'm writing to Dad, he needs to know this."

Xxxxx

In my bed and the curtains closed, I went over my options. Someone put me in a book… or on the internet? Either way, I am printed in a book or stored as bits in someone's PC or USB stick. What will happen when I end this story prematurely? I know enough to end this story in a week or two. I sure read enough fan fiction about it. What is the best course of action? Speed it up or let everything happen?

If I expose Crouch Junior now, Pettigrew has to find someone else to impersonate Moody. If I have bad luck, they mobilize the Death Eaters months in advance. My name will come out of that goblet of fire, if fake Moody doesn't do it, Dumbledore will put my name in.

If I expose fake Moody, we probably get a hack that doesn't know which end of the wand the spells come out. And he is a good teacher, according to the book. But having a Death Eater in school… no, there will be three of them!

I did not forget about Snape tattling on Lupin, I will deal with him at breakfast. It is time to take him down a few notches. That bastard has been harassing me… hmm? Why do I think about myself as Harry Potter? I clearly remember my past life. Ah, Harry's memories are dominating, they are more attuned to my body. I am Harry Potter with a bit extra. Meh, I am young again, and apparently have a lot of money at Gringotts.

For now, my focus has to be on my relatives, and how to get away from them, two weeks before the train leaves, that must be enough. Our finals are done, but the OWL and NEWT are still on it. I wonder if Sirius took my advice. I told him to move to Grimmauld Place. In my letter, I named it his parents' house, and he needs to start writing letters to everyone. I warned him about Dumbledore's schemes and where I grew up. That should have been enough.

Xxxxx

I went down with Hermione for breakfast. Entering the Great Hall, I saw Davis and Greengrass at their table. I told Hermione, "I am going to mess with Snape, some payback for ratting Lupin out. I am going to talk with your friends for a bit. Save a seat, it won't be long."

Hermione shook her head, "Careful, Harry, don't make too many enemies."

I grinned at her, "YOLO, Hermione, YOLO!"

I went to the Slytherin table while Hermione mumbled, "What in Morgana's name is a yolo? It isn't an animal… I think."

I approached Davis, who is the Halfblood one in many fan fiction, so more approachable than the Ice Queen. I smiled at Davis, "Miss Davis, do you mind if I sit down and ask you some questions about Ancient Runes?"

Davis nodded and pointed at a plate across the table, "You may, Potter. But why don't you ask your questions at Granger?"

I sat down, filled my plate, and answered, "I am thinking of dropping Divination and picking up Runes. I don't want Hermione to get her hopes up. First, I want to know if it is possible to catch up."

Greengrass had to pop my well-thought-of excuse bubble, "That is not why you are here, Potter. You are here to cause trouble. You could have asked these questions after class or after we left the Great Hall. You want to provoke someone."

"Potter! Go back to your own table! Twenty points from Gryffindor!" My grin told Greengrass she was right.

I shook my head and called back, "I can't do that, sir. I am talking with Miss Davis, and that is impossible to do from across the Hall… well, it is possible with a lot of shouting. It is in the rules that we can sit at other tables, sir. In fact, it is encouraged to sit at other tables… Sir."

Malfoy opened his mouth, "We don't want filthy half-bloods on our table, Scarface!"

Greengrass got worried, because my grin got wider! "What are you talking about, Ferret? I am at least a three-quarter! That is more than what you can say about your Head of House. He is the son of an unemployed, abusive, alcoholic Muggle father and a cast-out mother from House Prince. I heard my Aunt often enough ranting about that awful, dirty Snape boy from the slums who was clinging to her sister's skirt."

Tadaa! Meet Sevvy the Mudblood! Fuck! That Mudblood cast a spell at me! It's a good thing I can dodge. Yeah, I did some martial arts years back. I was not good at it, so the first thing I had to learn was how to dodge. I rolled away from the second one and dived under the table. "Hmm? Red panties?"

Oops? Did I say that out loud? Yep, a hand slapped the skirt down, and two feet are kicking me away. I slid aside… "Matching Red panties? Nice!" Crap! Another set of kicks.

"Come out, Potter! Fifty points from Gryffindor!" raged Snape.

I sat between Davis and Greengrass on the floor and grabbed both their legs to keep them in place. I prefer some kicks over his spells. I called out, "Help! A Muggleborn is attacking House Potter!"

Davis pinched me, "Do you want to get me killed, Potter?"

I shook my head, "Nah, you are too pretty, he doesn't dare to hurt you, or Miss Greengrass. That is why I am hiding here. Did you see that Muggleborn's spells? They were dangerous!"

Greengrass's icy voice said, "My spells will be dangerous too if you don't let go of my leg, Potter. Professor Snape! Stop your attacks before you hurt some of us! I put Heir Potter under House Greengrass's protection!"

Softly, she said to me, "You are going to pay for looking up my skirt, Potter."

My big mouth asked, "How much?"

Greengrass's cold voice answered, "It just doubled, Potter!"

A pinch on the other side told me it tripled. Carefully, I raised my head above the table. You know, they don't have chairs here. No, we sit on benches. I got up and sat down on the bench between the snakes. I am covered on both sides, I have my back to the wall, and a fuming Snape in front of me.

I tried to comfort him, "We don't mind your poor parentage, Sir. It is what you make for yourself in the future. In fact, we should admire that you raised above your station and did not become a Cruel Bully… Hmm, I have to take something else as an example."

I felt Greengrass and Davis slide away from me. Quickly, I slid closer to Greengrass, "Miss Greengrass, please protect me. Pretty please? I'll pay any price!"

Crap! Did I just give a blank check to a Slytherin and tell her to add zeros behind the 1? Yes, at the look on her face, she knows it too. Davis slid closer, "Daphne, I want in on this deal. He looked up my skirt too."

I chuckled, "And you just told the whole hall."

Greengrass dryly commented, "Granger included."

Crap!

McGonagall came to the rescue, "What is going on here? Mr Potter, why aren't you at your table?"

I protested, "It is in the rules that students can sit on every table they want as long as they don't cause trouble, Professor. I wanted to ask Miss Davis some questions, and that Muggleborn from Spiners End started to cast curses at me. Do prior incantem on his wand!"

I looked at Snape, "Those were not harmless spells, Muggleborn! You attacked the last Heir of House Potter with killing intent. I want you fired!"

While McGonagall started whispering to Snape, I looked at Greengrass and asked, "Too much drama? Or should I crank it up?"

Greengrass shook her head, "Not enough drama, Heir Potter. For some reason, Potion Master Snape has a feud with House Potter. Something we all witnessed in class. I suggest calling the DMLE. They are allowed to question him with Veritaserum."

I shrugged and said out loud, "He is a potion master, Miss Greengrass, he has an antidote ready. Besides, he is Dumbledore's lover, he can get away with murder."

Davis and Greengrass started to slide away from me again. Davis said, "We talk after dinner, Potter. If you are still alive."

McGonagall herded Snape back to the teachers' table, and I made my escape to… not exactly an escape, I am walking into a heap of trouble. Yep, there will be trouble by the look on Hermione's face.

Hermione pinched me, "It won't take long, Hermione? I'm just going to talk? I'm going to mess with Snape? Then why were you looking up their skirts, Harry?"

I protested, "That was an accident, Hermione. I had to dive under the table to avoid Snape's spells."

One of the twins asked, "Is it true?"

I nodded, "I saw."

The other twin shook his head, "About Snape, Harrikins. Both of them? What color?"

I looked at the Slytherin table, both girls' faces promised pain if I answered that.

"Nope, I can't answer that. But in the case of Snape, it is true. His mum married a Muggle and got kicked out of House Prince. After she got him, Daddy lost his job and started drinking. That started domestic abuse, mother and son on the receiving end."

"He met my mother and aunt. According to my aunt, he was an insufferable prick. It seems he didn't change much. My Aunt was always ranting about my mother and that Snape boy when she drank too much Gin."

I shook my head, "It is sad that the standards are so low in this school. We had a Werewolf pretending to be a DADA Professor, and a Muggleborn pretending to be a Pure Blood Slytherin. What is next? A divination Professor who can actually predict the future?"

McGonagall had to physically restrain Snape, or he would be casting spells again. Hmm, I'd better quit while I am still in one piece.

Xxxxx

We did all our end-of-year tests, so I skipped class, it was Care for Creatures with the Slytherins. Bad luck! The Snakes saw me skip class and hunted me down. Hermione noticed it and followed. Once the snakes caught up with me, Davis said, "Hold it, Potter! First, we need a quiet place to talk."

I don't want to give up the RoR, but I don't want the old perv to listen in either. My eyes met Hermione, then I got an idea… more like I remembered how Longbottom made different exits. I said, "Hermione, go with Miss Davis and Miss Greengrass to Fluffy's old room. I will open a door."

Ten minutes later, the Snakes and Gryff watched a door appear. Hermione opened the door and looked inside the familiar room. She got inside and told the other girls, "Come, it is safe."

When the door disappeared behind them, Hermione calmed them down. "Relax, this room is protected against tracking and listening charms. I doubt you have them, but Harry and I have plenty of those."

She turned to me and said, "It is time to clean the mess you created. Looking up skirts, Harry? Other girls' skirts? Am I not enough for you?"

Huh? What is happening? To be clear, I asked, "You meant to say I could ask to see your panties, Hermione? We just started kissing!"

Hermione slapped my arm, "I meant to say not to look up other girls' skirts, Harry."

I shrugged, "It was not on purpose, honey. I had to dodge Snape's spells, and my face happened to be in the right position to see their panties. Again, I am… no, I am not sorry about it, but I apologize for it."

I turned to Greengrass and said, "Thank you for your help, Miss Greengrass. It is much appreciated."

Greengrass nodded, "It still is going to cost you, Potter. We don't allow just anyone to look up our skirts."

I sighed, "What does it take, Miss Greengrass?"

Greengrass answered, "Malfoy is getting too bold lately. I want you to act as a human shield against that piece of filth."

I was puzzled, "Define Human shield, Miss Greengrass. Catching spells for you?"

Greengrass shook her head, "No, just help spread the rumor that you and I are under contract. That will get him off my case."

I pointed at Hermione, "Ehmm, I just started something up with Hermione, we are in the kissing stage, and I very much want to see how far we can go with that."

Greengrass shrugged, "I have no problem with that, as long as you don't show it to the Ferret. A good name for him, by the way."

I protested, "That Ferret follows me all over the place! I don't want to hide Hermione from anyone! I am proud to have her."

That got Hermione rushing into my arms and gave me a good snog. Once done, she kept an arm around me. She asked, "Is there no other way to keep him away from you? What about you, Tracey?"

Tracey shrugged, "Daphne and I are a package deal. She needs to keep her last name. The Ferret wants us for House Black. He is betrothed to Parkinson for Malfoy, and is eager to get his paws on us."

Relieved, I sighed, "Then you are out of the woods, Miss Greengrass and Miss Davis. I happen to know Lord Black, and he will not sign a contract between the Ferret and you if I tell him not to."

Suspicious, Greengrass frowned, "There is no Lord Black, Potter. The Ferret will be the next Lord Black when he is seventeen years old."

I asked, "If I tell you a secret, can you keep it still, even from your parents?"

Greengrass shook her head, "Not if it endangers House Greengrass or House Davis. Otherwise, we can."

"Sirius Black is Lord Black if he puts his ring on. He is my Godfather, and I missed a lot of Yule presents. I can ask him for this favor."

Greengrass shook her head, "He is an escaped prisoner. Once convicted, Magic takes away his right to the Lord Ring for the duration of his sentence. The Ring will refuse him. They are enchanted that way when the Wizengamot was formed."

Hermione commented, "Sirius Black never had a trial, he was never convicted. He escaped from unlawful imprisonment. I bet he is planning to file lawsuits against the Ministry as we speak."

Greengrass groaned, "My Father needs to know this! Can I please tell him that? Potter? I exchange it for your open-ended offer."

Hermione frowned, "What have you been promising, Harry?"

I defended myself, "They were moving away from me, that would give Snape a clear target, so I asked for protection from Miss Greengrass. Snape was going to kill me! Miss Greengrass, Miss Davis, you both have my permission to tell it to your father if it makes that open-ended promise go away."

Davis and Greengrass looked at each other. Davis nodded, Greengrass said, "Deal! Now, explain this room. How did you get this door to appear and to disappear?"

I grinned, "Sorry, that open end just closed down. I got rid of the Ferret for you and paid for your protection. That means we are even."

Davis shook her head, "We are not rid of the Ferret, Potter. He will keep on harassing us as long as nobody knows about Lord Black. Come clear about Lord Black, or think about another solution."

I looked at Hermione and said, "I got nothing. Do you have an idea?"

Hermione shrugged, "Start the rumor, the train leaves in less than two weeks. Sirius will have cleaned his House in these two months. After the holidays, we can set things straight if we are still together."

Hermione turned to the snakes, "Explain it properly to your Fathers, so that there are no misunderstandings. Harry will have Breakfast and Dinner with you, Lunch is for me, and after dinner, he is mine. If they ask, tell them that… I don't know. This is going to be complicated."

I raised my finger, "To make it more complicated, what about that gossip rag they call a newspaper? That will make headlines. The Boy Who Lived contracted to Ice Queen and… do you have a nickname, Miss Davis?"

Davis shook her head, "No flattering ones. A Halfblood in Slytherin doesn't get good nicknames, and call us Tracey and Daphne, Potter."

I shrugged, "It is Harry for you, Tracey, or Fire Queen. We'd better name it before they do. Don't worry, Hermione, you are my Brainy Queen."

When we were about to leave the room at lunch time, Hermione asked, "Harry? What does yolo mean?"

3 Getting a Contract, I think

You only live once… crap, I am on my second one! No, my third! YOLT? That does not roll smoothly from the tongue… I'd better keep it to the original, I answered, "YOLO means You Only Live Once, Hermione, or in my case, two or three times. Voldy Avadated me when I was a toddler, and I almost got snogged by Dementors two days ago."

I added, "So, I want to live my life to the fullest. Spotting the pretty Queens' panties was a happy accident, and when I am allowed to see yours, I will be a happy bloke."

Greengrass's cold voice commented, "If you dare to spot our panties again, you die as a happy bloke, Potter."

I held my hands up, "I said it was a happy accident, Daphne. I am not a creep who goes around flipping skirts. However, I have to compliment you on your choice of underwear. Very sexy."

I had to dodge three stinging hexes. To get their minds away from punishing me, I asked, "When will you start the rumor of our Contract?"

Daphne answered, "We have to send an owl to our parents to inform them. We do that after lunch. At Dinner, you will sit between us, and tomorrow at Breakfast, we start the rumor. Thank you for being so accommodating, Hermione. We won't forget this."

Hmm? What the fluck? What about thanking me? Tracey read my expression, "You got your reward, pervert! You saw our panties and grabbed our legs. That should be thanks enough."

I nodded, "True, I can't complain, those moments are burned in my memory. Aw! Snogging you is still my favorite memory, Hermione, it powers my Patronus!"

Hermione huffed, "And don't you forget it."

Xxxxx

Ron had to run his mouth, "Why were you talking to those snakes this morning, Harry? They are Slytherins! You can't trust them!"

I shrugged, "Why do you care, Ron? I am not forcing you to talk to them, am I? I happen to like them, they saved me from that Muggleborn. I think I will have dinner with them. They are friends of Hermione, and I want to be friends with them too."

Ron choked on his food, "Moine! They are Snakes! Why are you siding with the enemy?"

Hermione frowned, "First of all, they are not my enemies, Ronald Weasley. Who I am friends with is none of your business. They are in my Rune and Arithmancy class, and they are smart and friendly. I am happy that Harry is making an effort to get to know my friends. Besides, Pettigrew was a Gryffindor, remember?"

Ron shot back, "And Snape was a Slytherin!"

I looked at Hermione, "Points for Ron, honey. Now stop arguing with him, or he sprays his food all around if he keeps talking."

Ron protested, "Hey, not true!"

I shook my head, "You just did, Ron! I am sorry to say, but you have the table manners of a hungry pig. Even a baboon has better table manners than you. No! Don't answer that! You have your mouth full of food, chew and swallow."

I turned to Lav-Lav and Parv-Parv, "Lavender? This might be a good project for you and Parvati. At the moment, Ron has the manners of a famished caveman. Can you turn him into a decent human being?"

Lavender squinted her eyes when she appraised the difficulty of the task. Slowly, she nodded, "It is possible. Do we get free hands on this? No restrictions?"

I answered, "Consider him yours to play with, Lavender, yours too, Parvati. You can raise him into a fine young man, however you want, you won't hear one comment from us."

In seconds, Ron got flanked by two girls who explained in detail the uses of a knife and fork and why he should chew his food. He should be glad he wasn't living in Japan or China; chopsticks are a bitch to eat with. Anyway, he is off my case. Lav-Lav and Parv can have fun with him.

Hermione whispered, "That was evil, Harry. But he can use some table manners."

I thought of something, "Me and my big mouth, now I have to make friends with Bones, Abbot, and Raven Patil too. They are your friends too, aren't they?"

Hermione nodded, "We will have lunch with them. What do you think Dumbledore is up to? He hasn't been here for two days."

I hypothesized, "Probably putting out the fires in the Ministry for letting Black escape. Fudge was not happy about that. Malfoy must have promised a big bonus if he got Black kissed. Remember, Draco is an Heir for House Black."

Hermione said, "You know that he will call you to his office after your stunt this morning. Snape will not let this pass."

I shrugged, "He is a crybaby, let him. Fred! Or is it George! Now that the Tits are of limit, I found a new animal to discuss! Cats! Or Pussies as we lovingly call them."

George or Fred looked up and smiled, "We are always fascinated by Pussies, Harrikins. Do you know interesting ones?"

One look to the other side of the Hall, and Hermione's ready to strike' claws, convinced me not to call out names. I shook my head, "I never met one up close and personal, I am sorry to confess. I read about them, though, in the specialized magazines my cousin kept under the mattress of his bed."

I stage whispered, "Did you know it became a new trend to have a hairless Pussy?"

Gasps all around! Fred or George shook his head, "You are taking the mickey, aren't you? There is no such thing as a hairless Pussy! Why would they shave their fur?"

I sagely nodded, "True story! Some bloke from Canada got a hairless pussy by chance and bred them thirty years ago. He called them Sphinx, a complete hairless Pussy! And get this, some girls took that as an example!"

Fred or George shouted, "No Way!" then he turned to Katie Bell, who is a Halfblood who grew up on the Muggle side, and asked, "Katie? Is that true?"

Angelina stopped it, "Don't answer that, Katie. There is no right answer to that. Fred, Potter, prepare for a punishment."

Hermione spoke up, "You take Fred, Angelina, I'll deal with Potter."

That ended the Pussy talk. We did not lose any points, though. I bet McGonagall was not eager to discuss her pussy and stared at her plate, probably cursing her listening Charm on the Twins.

I whispered in Hermione's ear, "Don't worry, love. Your Pussy is the only one for me."

She whispered back, "Liar! Tomorrow you will have three of them. Even when two are pretending."

Xxxxx

Classes were boring, I don't understand the logic. Why do we have our tests so soon? We still have weeks before the train leaves. McGonagall must have lectured Snape, because he was ignoring me in our potion class, which was a relief compared to before. Even Neville almost enjoyed this class.

Not that the bat was in any danger of getting fired, the spells he cast were some hexes, the petrifying, and the ropes, probably. I just made it worse by screaming bloody murder and hugging Daphne's and Tracey's legs. No, I did not smell the fragrance. That would be creepy without their consent.

The snakes were speechless when I sat myself down between Daphne and Tracey. That was the first time they allowed a male between them! Some tried before, but they just got up and changed seats. Now they acted as if this was normal.

Tracey even helped to fill my plate, "You need to eat more vegetables, Harry. You are still growing and need the nutrients."

I protested, "Ease up on the Brussels sprouts, Tracey! They might be healthy, but I am not a fan."

Adding an extra scoop, she told me, "A future Lord must endure some hardship, Harry." Then she put my plate in front of me, half of it was loaded with Sprouts from Brussels.

The Ferret was fuming, "Scarface! Stay away from my women! Don't taint them with your abusive tongue! I will inform my Father about this Greengrass!"

I turned to Daphne, "Miss Greengrass, is the Ferret's Father an Uncle, or a Godfather of yours?"

Daphne shook her head, "No, for some idiotic reason, the Ferret thinks that he can marry Tracey and me."

I grinned at the Ferret, "Keep it with Miss Parkinson, Ferret. She seems to like you for some obscure reason. Be glad that your Daddy contracted a girl for you, because you would die a bachelor with the bad manners you are showing."

Ignoring the Ferret's rants, I turned to Tracey, "What do you think? Should I let Lavender and Parvati teach him proper manners? They can do him and Ron at the same time. Both have the manners of Neanderthals."

The Ferret kept on ranting, "My manners are good enough, Potter! The Malfoys are one of the Sacred Twenty-eight!"

I shrugged, "Boohoo! That is only because your great-grandpa paid Nott to include your House in his silly book. It doesn't mean much, Ferret. Besides, that book about the so-called Sacred Twenty-Eight isn't even a hundred years old. If you look a bit further, you would find that the Malfoys got kicked out of France during the Revolution."

It's true! When we were done discussing the details in the RoR about how we are going to handle the Ferret, we passed the time reading interesting books. I read some intriguing books about our society and the Houses that ruled the Wizengamot. I bet they are not in the library. It got me the ammo to shut Malfoy up.

I added, "Nott was smart to combine the true old houses with the rejects from France, like Malfoy, Lestrange, and Nott. I am going to write a book about the Heavenly Six! Potter, Longbottom, Bones, Abbot, Greengrass, Davis… ah, and Weasley! That makes it the Heavenly Seven! A Magic number! All Houses that date back to the time of Merlin or before. Sacred Twenty Eight, what a joke."

The Ferret fumed and threatened, "When the Dark Lord returns, you will be singing another tune, Scarface."

I shook my head and looked at him with pity, "I hope for your and your Daddy's sake that he doesn't return, Draco Malfoy. Remember our second year? That was your Daddy putting one of your Dark Lord's trinkets in the castle. A trinket I destroyed. Guess what Voldy will do if he returns and finds out about it? CRUCIO!"

I grinned when other Death Eater kids were listening in, "What will happen when he returns? Who did not move an inch to get him back for twelve years? CRUCIO! Punishment for his treacherous, lazy slaves, CRUCIO! They even denounced him, claiming 'Imperio!' CRUCIO! They are living the lazy life, while he was suffering? CRUCIO! He doesn't forgive, and he doesn't forget. CRUCIO! Prepare for twelve years of punishment, Draco. CRUCIO! Because you are an annoying kid. CRUCIO!"

I smiled at Draco, "Make sure Daddy has enough nerve healing potions stocked, or he can sit next to Neville's parents, Ferret. Tom Marvolo Riddle will be mad when he finds out Daddy lost his treasure. TRIPLE CRUCIO!"

I turned to Daphne, "Miss Greengrass, what do you think, if I drop Divination, can I catch up with Runes this summer, or do I have to start from scratch and sit a year lower?"

Daphne was still processing the information I dumped about the Dark Lord. She came to her senses and answered, "That depends on how good you are with learning new languages, Potter. This year, we focused to learn the most commonly used Rune alphabets. I think you can manage with Granger's help."

Tracey commented, "I saw some interesting books lately, they will help a lot."

Too bad we can't take them out of the RoR. I bet these two will be begging to get back in the RoR. All those old books! All that knowledge! The Slytherin table was quiet, those kids did not calculate what would happen when Tom returned to the land of the living. Crucio!

Xxxxx

When Dinner was over, I saw the two snakes pull Hermione aside. That worries me; it's not a good sign at all. When we collected our trunks and went to the RoR, Hermione said, "Daphne and Tracey asked to join us in the RoR, they want to read more books. I told them to go to Fluffy's room and wait for the door to appear. We can use their knowledge of the upper layer of society."

I glanced aside, "You realize that it will reduce our snogging opportunities, don't you?"

Hermione shrugged, "I don't care if they watch or not. Besides, we don't snog all the time, do we?"

I imagined the room and entered. When the door closed behind Hermione, I grabbed her and gave her a toe-curling snog, my hand might have wandered down on her bum. She did not mind, so it stayed there. We heard a door open and close. Reluctantly, we separated.

Now, some Authors would say we parted with swollen lips… Right, as if your lips get swollen by snogging. You have to press hard on the other's lips to get that result. Maybe it is like the nosebleeds, although I only got those when someone punched it. That happened more than I want to admit.

The Snakes pretended they had seen nothing and went to the book cabinet to browse the books. Hermione and I enlarged our trunks and started to check our stuff for tracking and listening spells. I peeked to the side and saw a stack of panties. "Hmm, you have red panties too?"

Me and my big mouth! Three angry faces glared at me, Daphne said, "One of these days, your mouth will get you in trouble, Potter. Like today."

I shrugged, "YOLO! Daphne. I was surprised to find out that Hermione has sexy red underwear, too. That's all. I bet she looks great in them. Hold the stingers, Hermione! I thought you were more the conservative type, not the free-spirited, or the hot and sexy one."

Hermione hissed, "I am not a prude, Potter! I have been going to nude beaches with my parents before I was even born!"

Ah? I did not expect that juicy tidbit, "Your parents are Naturists, Hermione? What about you?"

Hermione slapped my arm, "Don't get any ideas, Potter. It will be a long time before I show my fanny to you."

I raised my hand, "I have questions, though. How can you be a Naturist in Britain? You freeze your bits off three hundred days a year. Even inside the house, it is not good to prance around naked."

Hermione frowned, "What are you talking about, Harry? Being naked inside the house is normal to us."

I shook my head, "Cooking, for instance, done naked, it will get you some burns on sensitive places."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "That's what aprons are for, Harry."

Hmm, Naked Apron, one of the most used kitchen fantasies. I cleared my head and asked the following question, "What if you have to do chores around the house? You have to put clothes on and off every time you go in or outside."

Hermione sighed, "We keep our clothes on until we are done with them, Harry."

I smiled, "The last one, I promise. What about the furniture?"

Hermione was puzzled, "What do you mean, Harry?"

I spelled it out, "Your parents are healthy people, I reckon, so that they will get aroused several times a day. Females, when they get aroused, start to get their vagina wet, to lubricate in preparation for the Dude. There will be excess moisture that will drip out… on the furniture. Males think about Sex every ten seconds, so there will be pre cum that also will drip on chairs and couches. That makes being nude in your home not very hygienic, don't you think?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "We wear bathrobes, Harry. We have leather couches, and I clean them if my parents make a mess. There are a lot of people who make love on a couch or kitchen table."

That is enough info to shell-shock the snakes, who were listening and getting more information than they bargained for. I did not know Hermione's parents were Naturists. It seems uncomfortable for Brits. The weather is not always inviting to drop your clothes, after all.

I grinned at Hermione, "Then I will see your fanny sooner than you think, love."

Hermione shrugged, 'You can not shock me, Harry. I will be looking at your Dude, too. Now start working on your trunk."

There is not much to do for me, all of my clothes are getting binned, I am keeping my photo album, the Flute I got from Hagrid, some books, and my cloak. The trunk had several trackers and listeners. I transferred them all to a book, one of Lockhart's. Wait a minute! I can get a trunk from the room of lost things! That will get rid of the hidden spells altogether.

Ten minutes later, I said, "Done! Do you want me to help with your panties, Hermione?"

Without looking up, Hermione pointed to the snakes and said, "Go read a book, Harry."

When I sat down with a book, Tracey teased, "So, you and Hermione are going starkers next month. Shouldn't you buff up a bit? You don't exactly look like Hercules Junior, do you? Too small and skinny to be honest."

I shrugged, "My aunt did not like me much, and showed it with my diet. I would have loved to have Brussels sprouts on my plate four years ago, Tracey. Or some meat and gravy. The good old English breakfast I had to cook every day, translated to a glass of milk and a few slices of bread for me, while they got fat on what I prepared."

I looked at her surprised face and commented, "I did not have a happy childhood, Tracey. A few days ago, a Dementor almost sucked my soul out. I don't care who knows about them now. I will never return there anyway."

Daphne asked, "So those rags are not some crazy Muggle fashion? Like those people with flowers in their hair?"

I started laughing, "Who told you that? These are all my cousin's cast-offs. I never had new clothes except for my Hogwarts robes."

Tracey softly said, "Sorry, Harry, we had a completely wrong impression of you. Let us help you out a bit. Did you know that if you use the right dose of Skelegrow, your bones grow to their natural size and strength? If you combine that with Nutrient potions, stamina recovery potions, and muscle regrowth potions, you can get into shape in a month. You have to be careful with the Skelegrow, though. Too much, and you end up looking like Hagrid. We will owl order it if you want."

Puzzled, I asked, "I had Skelegrow last year to grow new bones in my arm, why didn't I grow taller?"

Daphne answered, "Growing back new bones will focus the potion on growing new bones. Madam Pomfrey must have measured the dose so that there would be no excess for the other bones. That is also why you have to spread taking the potion over a month, your muscles need the chance to adapt and grow along with your bones. Too much of it, and you end up ten feet tall, with ruptured muscles."

When Hermione was done, we spent the rest of the evening researching new spells, or in my case, learning Runes.

Just before curfew, I made a door close to the Snake common room after checking the Map. A map with plenty of trackers and listening spells, by the way. Daphne asked, "Again, tomorrow?"

Hermione looked at me, I shrugged, Hermione answered, "The same room as today."

Before we left the RoR, I asked, "Why did you tell them your family are Naturists, Hermione? You could have easily kept silent about it. I would have kept it a secret."

Hermione stopped and thought about it, "Maybe because I am comparing myself with them, and am feeling overwhelmed, insecure. They are gorgeous, Harry. I am afraid to lose you to one of them, or both. I guess I wanted them to feel as insecure as I."

I hugged her, "I doubt that you will lose me, Hermione. Can you imagine the Ice Princess with the Boy From Under The Stairs? You are out of my league, too, you know. You have class, brains, and looks. I have skin and bones, scars, and rags to wear."

"We are going to fix that, Harry. Let's go back."

Xxxxx

Breakfast was fun. When the Ferret ran his mouth again, Daphne slapped him down, "Put a sock in it, Malfoy! I checked it yesterday, I am contracted with Potter. Tracey will too. So give up those pathetic fantasies, because you and I will never be. I would rather become a lesbian than be touched by you."

I grinned at the Ferret while I patted Daphne's hand, "See? If you had better manners and acted like an Heir is supposed to act, maybe you would have a chance. We activated our Contract, so you know what will happen when you lay a finger on my contracted. I will ruin House Malfoy and make you beggars again, like four hundred years ago. Do tell your Daddy."

It irritated Daphne that I held her hand and made circles with my thumb on the back of her hand. Meh, I am contracted, I am allowed some liberties. The Snakes were speechless. Potter snatched the best-looking girls from school right from under their noses! That my treats are empty? Nobody knows.

A few snakes were done with breakfast prematurely and rushed to their common room, for many, that would be to write the second letter. My comments about their Dark Lord struck a nerve, now Potter has bagged Greengrass. That is a significant power shift in the Wizengamot.

To put oil on the fire, I said, "My love, Hermione and I will be having Lunch with Miss Abbot and Miss Bones. We would love it if you and Tracey would join us."

Daphne was pleasantly surprised, she needed that connection, and it was handed to her on a plate. "I love to, Harry dear. Susan and Hannah are childhood friends, but House policy discouraged us from keeping those friendships going."

I frowned, "What idiot made that policy? Where is the ambition if you keep to your own House? A true cunning Slytherin will make friends with everyone, it will fuel their ambition, and be a big help in the future. What morons thought of that policy?"

"Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor!" came a voice from the teacher's table.

I nodded, "Now I know. Smooth, very smooth indeed. Letting a Muggleborn lay down the rules. He is oozing Slytherin's sacred ideals all over Hogwarts."

"Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for insulting your betters!" came the same voice.

I turned to Daphne, "Dear? I thought there was none better than House Potter or House Greengrass, after all, we are the from Heavenly Seven. Who do you think he is talking about?"

Tracey giggled, "You better stop, Harry, there are hardly any points left to take."

Xxxxx

We met Hermione when we walked out of the hall. She said, "Now that the news is out, Dumbledore will show his face. Prepare to protect your minds."

Boy, Hermione is on the warpath from the moment she discovered that listening charm on her body. That shook her beliefs in the old man and his drone. She doesn't have one good word about Dumbledore or McGonagall. That betrayal of trust must have hurt deeply.

I approached McGonagall after our Transfiguration class, "Professor, next term, I'll drop Divination, and want to pick up Ancient Runes. I read some books yesterday, and it looks easier than I thought it would be."

McGonagall frowned, "The Headmaster has to permit that, Mr Potter."

I raised my left eyebrow, "Ow? Since when do I need his permission to change courses? I asked around, and nobody needed the Headmaster's permission to change course. Hermione checked the rules, there was no mention of a Headmaster's permission, Professor. The rules said that I can change courses until the start of my Owl year. This is me informing you, Professor."

I did not give her time to talk back and left the room.

Xxxxx

Lunch with the Duffers was fun. Susan and Daphne are talking politics; Hannah and Tracey are talking about courting and rings. Padma, who got dragged to our table by Hannah, talked Runes with Hermione and me.

Hermione showed her notes, "Go over them, Harry, compare them with the old books we found last night, and you will find it easy to understand."

Three heads turned to Hermione, "You have books about Runes?" asked Padma and Hannah at the same time.

Hermione looked at Daphne, who nodded, Tracey nodded too, Hermione turned to me and nodded. We are not even a week further, and more people will know about the room than in the last fifty years. I sighed and nodded too.

Susan teased me, "So, Potter, I heard you became shamelessly obsessed with tits and pussies. How did that happen?"

I protested, "Hey, not obsessed! Fascinated, mesmerized at most. You can not be anything else but happy when you see a couple of tits. I bet you have great tits at home, Susan. And my discussion with Fred Weasley was about hairless pussies. Those were pure scientific observations of the animal wildlife."

Hannah giggled, "Susan has Great Tits, alright."

I smiled, "I bet you have a nice pair too, Hannah."

Padma held her arms in front of her chest and said, "Leave me out of it, please."

Hannah laughed, "It was so funny to watch old Minnie go bananas over birds. I must say there are a lot of indecent names for birds and fish. Too bad our Sprout isn't a prude… no, we are glad she isn't. At the rate your points are dropping, you will end up with negative numbers."

I looked at Hermione, "We sorted into the wrong House, Hermione. They have more fun in Hufflepuff."

Hannah proudly said, "Never underestimate a Badger, Harry. We have the best parties." She glanced at Susan's tits, "And we have the biggest birds of school."

Xxxxx

After dinner, I made the RoR show books on Runes and Arithmancy, plus stone tablets and rune-carving sets. I just had time to snog Hermione when the first girls came in. I checked the map to see if any were followed. So far so good, the girls rushed to the book cabinets the moment they entered the room.

Tracey was puzzled, "That wasn't here yesterday! There are new cabinets and Rune carving sets! Potter! What kind of room is this?"

I answered, "The kind to keep silent about, Tracey. We won't have a chance to use it if people find out about this room."

I closed my eyes and turned the room into the Snakes' common room. Before they could react, I turned it into our common room. Then a Quidditch stadium, and last a big library. They screamed when I returned the room to the first configuration.

"Set it back to the library, Potter!" came from all sides.

I asked, "Why? I asked for the best books on Runes and Arithmancy. Do you want to waste time getting lost in that maze? Say what topic you want, and I will let it appear."

Hannah called out, "Those magazines from your cousin!"

I shook my head, "It has to be something that was in the castle once. I think the castle records all books that once were in here… a moment, please."

I concentrated and asked the room for all the dirty books that had been here for the last 20 years. Two big cabinets appeared. I pointed at them, "See for yourself, Hanna."

Curiously, the girls went to the bookcases and took a book out. With a scream, they threw the books away. Hannah glared at me, "That was not what I asked, Harry."

I shrugged, "Well, Hannah, those are the kinds of books Dudley keeps under his mattress. I asked the room for dirty books from the last twenty years. Do I ask the room for the dirty books your father read in school? Your Mother? You?"

Daphne asked, "What about the prefect's bath? I am getting tired of those showers."

Padma protested, "Not with a Potter in it! Daphne can keep him."

I concentrated on the one from the movies, because I never saw the real one. I imagined a wall around it with a door, dressing rooms, towels, and the usual girly stuff. "There, it is completely shielded, have fun."

Am I a creep because I let a wall become transparent from one side? Meh. YOLO!