Inside the "Welcome House" at Whiskey Peak, the night was anything but silent. Luffy, having consumed a land-mass equivalent of roasted cactus-lizard, was in a deep, meat-induced coma, his stomach comically distended, his face a mask of pure bliss. He was dreaming, as he often did, of a magical, endless, talking steak.
Hours passed. The "drugged" booze and food worked their magic... on everyone but the Straw Hats.
Suddenly, Luffy's eyes snapped open. The dream-steak had vanished. A far more primal, biological urge had taken over.
"Mmmmm... meat..." he mumbled, still half-asleep. "No... wait... water... lots of... water..."
He sat up, scratching his belly. "I gotta pee."
With the sleep-drunk grace of a rubber bulldozer, he stumbled out of his chair, completely oblivious to the fact that Nami and Ben were no longer in the room, and that Zoro had never been in it.
He pushed open the heavy front door, staggered out into the cool, moonlit square, and found the nearest, most convenient-looking "tree" (which was actually one of the cactus-building's main support pillars).
"Aaaaaah..." Luffy sighed, a cloud of steam rising in the chilly night air. "That's better."
He shook himself off, zipped up, and turned to go back to sleep.
That's when he saw it.
The square... was a mess.
There were... bodies.
Everywhere.
Luffy's sleep-fog vanished, replaced by a cold, sharp shock. He rubbed his eyes, his brain struggling to process the scene.
These were... the party people. The nice, curly-haired mayor-guy. The ladies who had given him extra servings. The men who had cheered for Usopp's stories. They were all... beaten up. Groaning. Piled like driftwood.
Luffy's mind, a simple and direct instrument, processed this in the only way it knew how.
Fact 1: These people gave me meat.
Fact 2: People who give me meat are Good People.
Fact 3: The Good People have been beaten up.
Conclusion: A Bad Person did this.
His face darkened. His hat shadowed his eyes. He walked over to one of the few bounty hunters who was still semi-conscious, a man groaning, his arm bent at an unnatural angle.
"Hey," Luffy said, his voice a low, dangerous growl. "Who did this? Who beat up all the nice party-people?"
The agent, delirious from having his spine spun 90 degrees by Zoro's Tatsumaki, cracked open an eye. He saw... just a shadow. He was confused.
"Guh... the... the demon..." he rasped, his voice full of terror. "Green... green hair... swords... he... he... just... hit us all..."
Luffy's head snapped up.
Green hair.
Swords.
A demon.
There was only one person in his entire world who fit that description.
A shadow fell over Luffy's face, a look of pure, unadulterated, betrayed fury.
"ZORRROOOOOOOO!"
His roar echoed through the cactus mountains. He looked at the groaning agent.
"Don't worry, Party-Man!" Luffy declared, pounding his fist into his palm. "I'll beat up Zoro for beating you up! I'll get him back for the meat!"
"Wha...?" the agent gurgled, before passing out.
Luffy took off at a full sprint, leaving a cloud of dust. "ZOOOOORRRRROOOO! WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR MOSS-HEAD IN!"
---
Meanwhile, several miles away, in a part of the desert that looked identical to every other part of the desert...
"Damn it," Zoro muttered, kicking a rock. "Stupid town. They moved the houses. How hard is it to find the girl?"
He had, in his infinite navigational wisdom, been walking in a perfect, unerring circle for twenty minutes. He was looking for the party he had just left.
Suddenly, a sound.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
An explosion, a few canyons over.
Zoro's head perked up. His face split into a feral grin.
"Ah. There it is."
He changed direction, following the sound of Mr. 5's booger-bombs, his mind set on one thing: a celebratory drink.
He sprinted, leaping over cactus-rocks, his sense of direction now... well, it was still terrible, but at least he had a loud, repetitive target.
He arrived in a small clearing just in time to see a truly bizarre scene.
The blue-haired girl from the party (Miss Wednesday/Vivi) was on the ground. The afro-guy (Mr. 5) was standing over her, his hand raised, his entire arm glowing and fizzing like a giant, angry bomb. The floaty-lemon-girl (Miss Valentine) was giggling, hovering above them.
"This is the end, Princess," Mr. 5 grumbled. "Say goodbye."
He thrust his hand down.
Vivi squeezed her eyes shut.
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!
The sound of steel meeting... something.
Vivi opened her eyes.
Zoro was there. He had arrived. He had effortlessly blocked Mr. 5's explosive hand with the flat of Yubashiri, his new sword. The resulting explosion was small, harmlessly contained by the blade.
Zoro didn't even look at Vivi. He was glaring at Mr. 5, his expression one of pure, unfiltered annoyance.
"She is under our protection now," Zoro grunted. "So leave before I cut you down."
Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine stared at him, completely baffled.
"Who... who are you?" Miss Valentine tittered.
"I'm the guy," Zoro said, his grip tightening, "who's really angry against a certain greedy witch. And you two are loud."
Mr. 5 growled. "Anyone who comes between my mission will die."
He pulled his hand back, readying another, bigger bomb.
It was at this exact moment...
"ZOOOOORRRRROOOOOOOO!"
A red-and-blue blur, screaming with the fury of a thousand betrayed meat-lovers, launched itself from a high canyon wall.
Luffy, having also followed the explosions, had arrived.
And he had, once again, completely misunderstood the situation.
He didn't see the new villains. He didn't see the terror on Vivi's face.
He saw Zoro, swords drawn, standing over the dancing duck girl from the party.
Luffy's logic: Zoro beat up the party-people, and now he's cornered the nice lady who gave him extra food. This is unforgivable.
"GOMU GOMU NO... PISTOL!"
"WHAT THE—" Zoro yelped, blindsided. He was forced to drop his offensive stance against Mr. 5 and spin, blocking Luffy's rubber fist with both swords. The force sent him skidding back ten feet.
"LUFFY! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Zoro roared, his eyes blazing.
"MY PROBLEM?!" Luffy shrieked, landing in a crouch. "YOU'RE MY PROBLEM! YOU BEAT UP ALL THE NICE PEOPLE! THE PARTY-PEOPLE! THE ONES WHO GAVE ME MEAT!"
Zoro's brain, which was already addled by 13 mugs of ale, just... stalled.
"...What are you talking about?! I just got here! These guys," he pointed at the very confused Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, "are the bad guys!"
"LIAAAAAAR!" Luffy roared, his face bright red. "THEY GAVE ME CACTUS-STEAKS! YOU CAN'T BEAT UP PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU FOOD! THAT'S THE LAW!"
"THAT'S NOT A LAW, YOU RUBBER-BRAINED IDIOT!"
"IT'S MY LAW! GOMU GOMU NO... BAZOOKA!"
Luffy rocketed toward Zoro, his arms stretched back.
Mr. 5, seeing his target (Vivi) and his new enemy (Zoro) both in the line of fire, decided to intervene.
"This is our fight, Straw Hat!" he growled, stepping in front of Luffy. "Your business is with me! BOMU B—"
He didn't get to finish.
Luffy, his eyes locked on Zoro, didn't even see Mr. 5.
His arms, stretching forward for the Bazooka, slammed into Mr. 5's chest at full speed. It wasn't even a punch. It was a high-speed, two-handed, rubbery shove.
"OUTTA MY WAY!" Luffy yelled.
Mr. 5, who was made of bombs, was not expecting to be hit by a non-explosive, blunt-force, rubber... thing. He was launched, end-over-end, like a bowling pin, crashing into a cactus-mountain a mile away. KO: 1.
Miss Valentine, who was still floating, giggled. "Heeeehehehe! How embarrassing for Mr. 5! Now, it's my turn! Time for you all to feel the pres—"
"SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF THE SKY!" Zoro roared, his patience gone. He was dodging a Gomu Gomu no Gatling from Luffy. He leaped into the air, using the Geppo he'd been practicing (and failing at). It wasn't a "Moon Walk." It was just... a really, really angry jump.
He landed on top of Miss Valentine's parasol.
"Hey! Get off!" she shrieked.
"You're in my way, floaty-woman!" Zoro grunted. He used her as a springboard, kicking off her parasol so hard it snapped in two, sending him flying back toward Luffy.
Miss Valentine, her flight-source broken, just... fell.
"KYAAAAAAAAA!"
THUD.
KO: 2.
Luffy and Zoro landed, facing each other, breathing hard, the two "unstoppable" Officer Agents completely forgotten.
"NOW," Luffy growled, "ARE YOU GONNA APOLOGIZE TO THE MEAT-PEOPLE?!"
"I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS, YOU IDIOT!" Zoro roared back.
They charged, their fists and swords meeting in a chaotic, dust-filled, completely pointless brawl.
---
Vivi was just... staring.
She was alive. Her would-be assassins... two of Baroque Works' finest... had just been taken out... accidentally. By two other pirates who were... arguing about meat.
This... this whole crew... was insane.
Before she could process this, a new sound cut through the brawl.
It was the sound of two somethings hitting two skulls, very, very hard.
WHACK! (on Luffy)
WHACK! (on Zoro)
Two massive, identical, cartoonish lumps instantly sprouted on both their heads.
"WILL YOU TWO MEAT-BRAINED, MOSS-HEADED MORONS... SHUT... UP?!"
Nami was standing between them, her new Tempest-Tact smoking, her face a mask of pure, unholy rage. Ben was standing behind her, sipping a drink from a coconut, his Runic Camera quietly recording the new lumps on their heads for posterity.
"Nami!" Luffy whined, rubbing his head. "Zoro beat up the party-people!"
Nami took a deep, steadying breath. She pointed to the unconscious Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, "Luffy... those guys," she pointed back toward the town, "They were also the bad guys! EVERYONE HERE IS A BAD GUY, EXCEPT US AND THE PRINCESS!"
Luffy's face went through a visible, 10-second buffer. He blinked.
"...Ooooh..." he said, as if a great truth had been revealed. "So... the party-people... were bad party-people?"
"YES!" Nami screamed.
"So... they didn't really want to give me the meat?"
"NO, YOU IDIOT, THEY WERE TRYING TO POISON YOU!"
Luffy's face went dark. His eyes turned into pinpricks of pure, murderous rage.
"...They... poisoned... the... meat?"
He pounded his fist into his palm.
"...Okay, now I'm mad."
Nami just sighed, too tired to even hit him again. She turned her attention to the real prize: Vivi.
"So," Nami said, her voice instantly shifting from "raging monster" to "sweet, friendly businesswoman." "You're a... Princess, I hear?"
Vivi flinched. "Yes... I..."
"Great!" Nami clapped her hands. "We saved your life! That'll be... oh... let's just call it One Billion Berries for safe delivery back to your kingdom."
Vivi's face fell. She looked at the rubble where Igaram was, at her defeated foes.
"I... I can't," she whispered, tears welling in her eyes. "I... we don't have that kind of money. Alabasta... my kingdom... it's in the middle of a civil war. It's... it's drying up. There's... there's no rain. The people are starving, they're killing each other... and it's all because of him. The leader of Baroque Works. He's trying to... to... take over."
Nami's greedy, golden-orb eyes faded, replaced by a look of... understanding. Of a shared, painful memory.
"Who?" Luffy asked, his anger at the "meat-poisoning" still simmering. "Who's the leader?"
Vivi trembled. "I... I can't say his name. If I say it, you... You'll all be his targets, too! You'll be on his kill-list, just for knowing his name!"
Nami held up her hands, backing away. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kill-list? You know what? I think I'll pass on that. This is... way too complicated. After all," she laughed nervously, "these guys are trying to take over a country. They are obviously insane, dangerous, crazy-strong people! We're just... small-time rookies!"
Vivi looked at the ground, her fists clenched. "Yes. They are. They're stronger than anything you can imagine. The leader... he's one of the Shichibukai. Crocodile."
She clapped her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide with horror. She had said it.
Luffy: "Who now?"
Zoro: "Crocodile?"
Nami: "CROCODILE?! THE CROCODILE?! ONE OF THE SEVEN WARLORDS OF THE SEA?!"
"YOU IDIOT!" Nami shrieked, grabbing Vivi by the shoulders and shaking her. "WHY DID YOU SAY THE NAME?! I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!"
On a high, distant cactus-rock, the Unluckies—the otter and the vulture—were furiously sketching. They had just heard everything.
Hearing the sound, everyone turned their heads, and they all saw the unluckies.
"THEY HEARD YOU! NOW THEY KNOW THAT WE KNOW! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE KILLED! WE'RE DEAD! WE JUST ENTERED THE GRAND LINE AND WE'RE ALREADY BEING HUNTED BY A WARLORD!"
Nami, seeing the agents, slumped. "Wait... they're flying away! They... they didn't take a picture of me! They only drew you! They don't know who I am! It's still safe!"
As if on cue...
FLAP... FLAP... FLAP...
The Unluckies... came back.
They hovered, twenty feet away. The otter (Mr. 13) pulled out a new sketch pad. He looked at Nami. He then gave them a polite, professional thumbs-up and then flew away for good.
Nami just... slumped. A tiny, white, cartoon soul drifted out of her mouth.
"It's... over... I'm... I'm too young and beautiful to be Warlord-food..."
Luffy, however, just turned to Zoro, a huge, excited grin splitting his face.
"Warlord, huh? Did ya hear that, Zoro? Sounds strong."
Zoro's own grin was just as feral. "Hmph. Worthy of our first real challenge on the Grand Line."
Nami shot up. "SHUT UP! THIS ISN'T AN ADVENTURE, IT'S A DEATH SENTENCE!"
While Nami was having her existential crisis, and Luffy and Zoro were getting excited about their impending doom, Ben quietly walked over to the unconscious, drooling form of Mr. 5.
He popped open a sleek, black briefcase. The inside was expanded.
"A bomb-man, you say?" Ben murmured, a look of pure, scientific curiosity on his face. "I'll have to test my theory on you."
He effortlessly lifted the 180-pound man and unceremoniously dropped him into the briefcase. Mr. 5 vanished into the expanded space. Ben snapped the case shut, straightened his coat, and rejoined the group, looking as if he'd just been admiring the moonlight.
"Tough break, Nami," he said, patting her on the back. "A Warlord, you say? ...Sounds expensive."
Nami just burst into tears.