"Hey Shizuo, long time no see, eh," said Manami.
"Yeah, it's been a while I guess," replied Shizuo quietly.
"When was the last time we saw each other? It was during the closing ceremony of last year, right?" she added. "And what's up with your hair?... you desperately need a haircut."
"Wait, you think so?" Shizuo fiddled with his hair.
"Yeah definitely. You know… you won't get a girlfriend looking like that," she said, as she continued ruffling Dai's hair.
"Come on, not you too," he said, forcing a laugh.
"What are you going to do about it?" she said, standing behind Dai with her tongue out.
"You are so childish," he shook his head.
Shizuo couldn't help but feel small again. He couldn't understand how two people can feel this comfortable around each other.
He watched, as it was the only thing he could do. He watched as Dai picked up a piece of potato and fed it to her. He watched as they laughed at jokes only they could understand. He watched as they leaned on each other's shoulders and talked softly.
It felt like he was going to go mad. It was as if he was watching two people who existed in a world separate from his—one he was never meant to enter. He was instantly pulled back when he heard Dai say "Are you OK with that, Shizuo?"
"OK with what?" he asked, confused.
"Manami said she wanted to have lunch with us today, if you're ok with it."
"It's fine with me… suit yourselves," said Shizuo, his shoulders stiffening.
"Yesss! I'll be back then. I just have to grab my tray from the other table," said Manami, hurriedly running over to the side of the cafeteria.
Shizuo looked up from his tray and faced Dai. "Hey man… are you sure it's fine for me to stay here? I kinda feel like I'm third wheeling right now." His gaze not faltering.
"Yeah dude, you're totally cool. And besides, you can leave at any moment if you feel uncomfortable," reassured Dai. Shizuo understood that Dai meant every word he said, but he could shake off the feeling of being a third wheel.
"~I'MM back…~" announced Manami, taking a seat next to Dai.
At her arrival, Shizuo started shoving food into his mouth so fast he almost choked. As soon as he finished eating, he shot up from his chair. "I just remembered… I have to do something at the faculty office."
"Wait, you're leaving already?" asked Dai, looking Shizuo in the eyes. When Shizuo didn't reply, Dai just nodded understandingly. He hurriedly returned his tray to the front and left the noisy cafeteria.
He made his way to the back of the school building. People barely went there anymore and it was completely shaded from the afternoon sun.
Shizuo would sometimes spend his time there during his first year in high school. The soft breeze and the tranquility never failed to put Shizuo's mind at ease. He sat there for what felt like hours, just enjoying the silence that didn't feel heavy to bear.
He'd sometimes pick up rocks to throw at the massive wall that marked the premise of the school or just sit there admiring the tall, lonely Ginkgo tree in the yard.
When Shizuo heard the bell marking the end of lunch, he let out a long sigh. "Just a little more till I'm done," he thought, making his way back to his classroom.
When the last few lessons of the day started, Shizuo could barely keep his eyes open. "It doesn't even matter… but the teacher might get mad," he contemplated for a second "Honestly… I don't even care enough", he thought, before pressing his face against the cold wooden desk.
But that afternoon, Shizuo had a feverish dream. It felt like Shizuo was watching a movie through someone's eyes, but when the person spoke, he felt as if he knows The Voice from somewhere.
"Please… Please… Please stay." He could hear a child begging. In the distance, he could see the silhouette of a woman, brown hair and a skinny figure, standing with her arms crossed, like she was expecting the world from the poor child.
He tried to make out a face, only to realize it was distorted. He could feel the child's face overflow with tears. "Don't leave me please...," cried the child.
Despite the child's efforts, he could see the silhouette getting smaller and smaller, accompanied with the sound of shoes dragging across gravel.
He was then woken up from his slumber by a gust of wind that had come through the open window. He started feeling around his face and he could feel a gentle stream of tears rolling down from his eyes.
He looked around to check if anyone was staring, but the classroom was completely empty and when he looked outside, the sun had started to set in.
"Congratulations! You've out done yourself… you're crying in class now?" he criticized himself.
"It's just comical at this point… you look so pathetic… you're worthless…" The voices wouldn't stop. He ran as fast as he could until there was only one voice left.
It was his own.