What is a splitted soul? Well, I don't know if other individuals in this world know what it is, but I know what it is. I, your amazing vampire cute girly that has a name similar to watery water, know what it is.
A splitted soul is a soul that has been fissured and sliced in half, having two bodies that act as the shell. I am the other half of Mr. Dino. I am Apa. Since I am his half, I can only interpret things from my halved existence; however, through the reconnection known as romance, we have unsplited and are one soul once more.
My half of my soul, Apa's soul, has undergone a very significant progression.
Past Thought: "Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be."
Present Reality: You love me for who I am.
Past Thought: "I know that you won't and it isn't okay."
Present Reality: You are.
Past Thought: "But I hope someday you will understand how much it means to me."
Present Reality: You don't just understand, you reach with your hands so deep you can feel my heart.
Past Thought: "I don't like people; they cause misfortune, they cause love... to not be love, causing existence to be hard."
Present Reality: I like one person, and that is you. Your sweet love makes existence easy.
Past Thought: "I feel stuck waiting for my chance, my chance to live... the way I want. I'm tired of waiting... I've been patient."
Present Reality: I'm still waiting on some things, but not you.
Past Thought: "No friends, no lover, no loving family, no skills, no nothing, no life."
Present Reality: Still no friends, I have the best lover, got some questionable skills.
Past Thought: "Does it matter? Do I matter? I'm tired... I don't feel anything anymore."
Present Reality: I still don't to myself, but to you? I mean the world, right?
Past Thought: "People are cruel, people are selfish, people aren't honest, people are unfair, people aren't people."
Present Reality: You are kind, you are selfless, you are honest, you are fair. YOU ARE LOVE ITSELF.
Past Thought: "Will you leave? I hope you don't... you mean a lot to me... I don't want to lose you."
Present Reality: I don't think you will, but I love you so much I gotta hope for it.
Past Thought: "To me it makes no sense, causing me hurt... then blaming me for feeling tired."
Present Reality: They keep doing that to me, but you do not.
Past Thought: "I wonder what makes you want to disprove, when your own choices... aren't good either."
Present Reality: I guess their choices weren't good at all.
Past Thought: "Winter always seemed to be the best, but whenever it was December, something always ended... it wasn't the year."
Present Reality: This time it's a beautiful holiday season I get to spend with a special Dino.
Past Thought: "You cannot force your existence and expectations upon me just because you yourself cannot imagine being me. Just because you are like lemons, who are you to criticize me for being an orange?"
Present Reality: Well, the lemon is minute in the minute, but the orange is huge. Orange hour is now.
Past Thought: "The nights are pretty lonely but also very expected. I love how the night is quiet, but I also hate how it makes me look back on the past that wasn't mine."
Present Reality: The nights aren't as lonely anymore. It is quiet, yet very precise. Your existence lingers in my brain as I fall asleep.
Past Thought: "I love the rain, it reminds me of my name: always needed, never wanted."
Present Reality: Well, the Apa, the water, is needed now and especially wanted. A certain Dino is thirsty.
Past Thought: "I don't like how conflicted choice is. I don't like how overestimation and underestimation leads to a soul being crushed or raised."
Present Reality: I still don't, but I believe we are there to love each other and grow together.
Past Thought: "I don't like how humans dictate someone's life."
Present Reality: That's why I must push and love you more.
Past Thought: "I don't like how humans are humans."
Present Reality: That's why you are my Dino.
Past Thought: "I don't like mostly anything because there isn't anything to like."
Present Reality: That's a lie. I love you.
Past Thought: "I feel so empty, I feel so hurt and betrayed and conspired against. I feel like I don't matter due to the fact that no one cares about my happiness. I'm sick and tired about how filthy humans are. I feel deep disgrace calling myself a human. Am I a human? Or am I a fragmented human who realized how fragile the threads of existence truly is. I don't know anymore. I don't feel hope anymore. I feel the abyss."
Present Reality: I feel disgusted at myself sometimes, that's true, but you are the only one that gave me a hand and pulled me out of the abyss.
Past Thought: "When does it get better? I have lost count, in the dozens of times... I had hoped that it did."
Present Reality: Hmm, well not dozens, but on the 22nd... let's say 23rd, it really got better, right?
Past Thought: "I am nothing, nothing is me. My whole existence is wasted sweat and the things I do are never meant... meant to work and not perish."
Present Reality: I am your wife. I am something.
Past Thought: "I have nightmares about it, the things that people call beautiful. I hate how the shells of people are celebrated, and the soul is left to suffer, having nowhere to go."
Present Reality: I have sweet dreams about my shell being celebrated and loved.
Past Thought: "You don't need to like me, but I also don't want you to put guilt on me. I'd rather you want me to perish than to see my dream leave in agony."
Present Reality: Of course you need to like me, you cute dummy dum sexy Dino.
Past Thought: "The glimmer of hope gets squashed to dust. I will never know why, but the sand made out of hope will be turned into transparent shame."
Present Reality: No shame. Just a trans girl loving you.
Past Thought: "Those eyes of yours, I can only call them needles. They spit in my face, they leave marks of anguish, they don't see my eyes.
Present Reality: They do see my eyes—it's just that I wear glasses.
Past Thought: "Clean yourself. Rid the burns you acquired through the washing of putrid feelings... feel the acid."
Present Reality: If you were to wash yourself, I'd be sad you wouldn't let me lick the sweat off your cute, sexy, manly hubby body.
Past Thought: "I despise, I do not display hurt on you, but I do despise you... I don't like how you shout... it doesn't bring order... orderless."
Present Reality: I hate when they shout, but you must shout declarations of love for me.
Past Thought: "I'm running out of distraction, I'm running out of patience, I'm running out of gratitude. I'm running out of lenience... towards myself."
Present Reality: I have regained some of it back.
Past Thought: "I do not comprehend as to how support has to be damaged at every point of the way."
Present Reality: The support and care you give me makes it worth it.
Past Thought: "Hide behind your mask, my sweet dream."
Present Reality: Don't hide anymore, sweet dream.
Past Thought: "There doesn't seem to be progress... but age keeps moving... yet I'm still left behind."
Present Reality: Age keeps moving and my path keeps going.
Past Thought: "Sometimes I wish I wasn't robbed from the life I could have had... will forever be led to live a life of regret."
Present Reality: I was robbed, but your donation of romance helped.
Past Thought: "Far away diamond... fragmented from existence, there is no value for the hidden."
Present Reality: I guess I won't hide me and you anymore.
Past Thought: "My love is gentle and so easy, yet you don't want it... If you don't want love, what could you want?"
Present Reality: Ooh, we are here, huh? Where the girl was found and the dinosauric perhaps prince showed up.
Past Thought: "It will take time to reinvent your seed, little leaf."
Present Reality: And I'm okay with that.
Past Thought: "I am hungry, but I don't think my stomach can handle the weight of the world."
Present Reality: That's why I have a big Dino to nom nom nom on my misfortunes.
Past Thought: "Alone, that's what you have always been. I hope it changes."
Present Reality: It has, you dumb girl.
Past Thought: "Not quite there yet, destination doesn't lead... stops at snow and waits for me to bleed."
Present Reality: Not fully there, but I don't bleed in the snow anymore.
Past Thought: "Wolf, sheep, and if it matters, lead the moon to me... redirect the direction that puts pressure on the forehead... redirect existence."
Present Reality: Such a strong boy, huh? For doing that.
Past Thought: "Hello, angel, hello, devil, we are the same... so why go rebel?"
Present Reality: Both angels, no rebels.
Past Thought: "In the darkness... fall like rain... I don't want to live like that again."
Present Reality: And I never will.
"Do me a favor, give me your lips, make it so that our souls would kiss."
"There is a stagnant smell that must be canceled, conspire against the denied cancer."
"If environment dictates so much, perhaps I'll stop living in the singularity you call life. I will achieve the enriched duality that you could never have, fixated despair."
"I shall enjoy the pain... from within I will reclaim... the life taken away."
"Right now, spit the lungs out, not deserving."
"What's this? End and start."
"It should all be okay, will be stiff, but carry ahead, potential is your name."
"I do wonder if I will ever be seen with my soul—scratch that... I am seen by you."
"I don't just love you, I adore the patched-up fragmentation you filled with a love-covered shovel."
Often times, a chord progression of any kind is repetitive. There is only a certain amount of octaves, a certain amount of scales. But if you try hard enough with an orange hour, you may get to a point where your sweet melody would reside in my ears so high that tinnitus will not ring.
I often have wondered if I deserve you. Maybe you do so too. But I knew from the moment I could feel. I felt love towards you. So much love, so much possession, so much romantic Cupid aggression.
My sweet husband, let us carry forward with our soul and love each other so much that we create synonyms for the love we share. Dictionaries filled with synonyms of love.
- fin