The steps get closer and closer.
Passing from the rocks in the ground. To the small path that lead to the grass, and finally. The grass.
Just beside me.
They stop when the figure of the man is just beside me.
He stop there. Old and calm, as he stare forward just like me, toward the unending spread of orange grass and the comfortable and warm warmth coming on us.
He doesn't say anything.
Nothing at all.
He just stay there. At my side. My left precisely.
And he stare forward. Just like me.
I stop my devolving for a while. My hand at my side. Still.
I was rubbing my face, hidden it when I heard some steps. Guess I was ashamed for some dumb reason.
Looking to the left. Balrow old but steady body reveal itself to me.
I don't say anything too as I stare at him for a second or two, he doesn't acknowledge me or point anything out. Instead, he just stay there. Silent, unjudging.
Just kind of there.
After a second or two my glance at him stop, and just like him. My focus grow forward.
Just like before.
Unlike before however, my focus get better, more focused. Growing forward.
Searching a way to improve.
Wondering what am I doing.
It's fine to feel like shit sometimes.
That's for sure something dad would say.
My thoughts who were muddied. Get steady, becoming clearer and clearer. More and more normal, all as I feel the wind caress my skin.
It's fine. I can feel it, this ball of anxiety in my chest.
I would say I'm scared, but that would be a lie. I don't know how am I feeling right now. It's a mess, a tumble of feeling.
I give a glance to my left for a small second. Still there. Not talking.
Taking a deep breathe, I continue. My body used to it, dip back into an old habit.
It doesn't really matter if I can't name it.
But at least I feel it.
And that's fine, not everything need to be categorized and named.
I'm not that compulsive of a person.
Not yet.
Maybe I'll be one day though? Who knows? Could be funny to try.
As I look up at the sky. The comfortable sounds of us two shifting slightly in the silence, make the ambience form itself. The mess of feelings in my chest slowly dissolve, unraveling like a ball of yarn.
It's not a fix.
Tommorow I won't suddenly be healed, normal, and better.
But right now. Amidst the grass. With someone I...reeeeeelatively care about at my side, it helps. A bit.
Saying those words were pretty hard.
Especially with what happened just a second ago, their...fear? I guess you can call it that.
There was a reason why I didn't want to get closer to them.
Unfortunately, I think that's a tiny bit too late for that.
How long has it been? Like a week? Damn that was fast.
A deep shuddering breath escape me, feels good.
This whole mess pushed me slightly over the edge today. I don't know why exactly.
A small ball of feeling pulse inside my chest.
Or maybe I just don't want to tell it. It doesn't matter.
But for some reason. Seeing those guys I've been working on for a while now being scared of me didn't felt great.
At all.
Not at all.
My eyes focus on a singular piece of grass. Balrow is still unmoving.
This whole situation remind me of something.
Something I missed for a while.
Funnily enough, balrow remind me of someone I know.
Pondering on those thoughts. A silent support beside me, just being there, doing much more than one could imagine. I raise my head up, light hitting my face in a comfortable warmth.
I know, I know. I've been a bit out of my mind those last few hours but...
That's fine.
It can happen.
I already know what I need to do. Work toward getting home, and do nothing else.
No more stats.
This hunger for power climb up, coiling my throat. But even if it does. I ignore it.
It influence me sometimes though. I'll admit it.
I don't look to my left, but my thoughts are clear now. Clearer at least.
After some minutes of this comfortable silence.
Yeah, that's how I'll call it. A comfortable silence.
After some minutes of such, I break it first. "Balrow"
Balrow keep staring forward and take some seconds to answer, his voice withered. "Ludger."
Thankfully, my mind, clearer than before manage to provide me a clear enough plan to go forward.
My eyes glance toward his covered forearms and hands.
Don't know if I'm doing that as a dumb thanks you.
Or maybe it's because he remind me of someone.
Whatever.
"You got a skill?"
He wait for a while before answering. Wind passing between us.
"Yes."
I nod at that. Waiting for a while for...nothing. Nothing but preparing myself mentally as my clear thoughts get muddied by my rising feelings, again.
"What is it called?"
Get some information. All while getting some time to breathe on those feelings.
His eyes shift. Looking up at the sky, at something invisible before answering.
"The towering mountain shield form"
A small snort of laughter escape me.
Against with the Chinese name. "Crazy name"
He nod. I don't see him, but I hear his shirt shift.
1 second. 2 second. 3 second.
I do it.
"Wanna test it?"
He stop. No shifting. No sound, no sounds, nothing.
We stay like that for a while, just staring forward. While mister 'don't hide your feelings' get checkmated like a dumbass.
Fuck.
Just think for a while.
My feelings rise up more than comfortable, I bite my lips to keep my face steady.
Fucking remind me of someone.
I give him the time to think before I attack again.
"What? Can't answer, too scared to hold a shield because of your messed up arms?"
Fuuuuuck! My eyes blur a bit for some reason. I don't know why. This guy is a fucking random.
HE'S JUST A RANDOM OLD MAN! That's all he is. That's all. Why the fuck am I getting close cause a dumb fucking old guy said some dumb sweet words about how I should be careful, and that I needed to talk to him if I felt like shit.
Fucking fuck. That's because he's doing the same dumb shit as her, I'm sure of it.
I said I shouldn't get close, I fucking said it.
I can hear his lips open. But no words come out. Nothing to say, of fucking course.
I can't deal with this, my feelings build up, and I need to do something, to take the shit out. So I walk forward, and forward. Just like when we figured we could leave.
"You say a lot of shit balrow." I keep walking forward, crushing grass under me. "Can't really ask for help when you show this kind of example you know?"
I do my best to not let emotions bleed out in my speech.
Fucking dumb old man. Going all like. 'Ludgeeeer. If you feel bad. You need to talk about it.' And then proceed to do THAT, fucking useless shit. Why the hell should I tell anything if you yourself hide everything huh?
I can hear his lips popping up again, trying to speak up. Say something. And before I can speak again, he say something.
It sounds old. Withered. And guilty "I am sorry"
I stop for a while. Just standing there. Forward. Shuffling my feet on the grass.
"I'm sorry Ludger. Truly I am"
Fuuuuuck.
Sorry for what you fucking dumb old ugly blind man, fucking old, dumb, ugly man, dumb dumb old man.
My hand come up, I try to turn back to look at him. But I don't, just half turning myself toward him as I wave at him.
"Sorry for what? Like, that's your choice or whatever I guess" I try to turn around fully, looking at him. "Just. Just, don't be sorry."
I swallow something, my throat is tight.
What would I have wanted to say? If I could what would I have said?
"Just, just."
"Just take care or something."
Silence.
The second I say that, silence. Nothing more happen, I just stand there. Half looking around, half looking at him.
Should I say something else? Fuck I don't know. I'm not trained for this shit.
"Like, just be careful. I don't know, Just" I close my mouth before I spout out even more gibberish.
"I will."
It comes out of nowhere.
Steadier, more determined. "I will Ludger"
I raise my hand and wave it around. Completly out of my depth.
"Yeah, yeah. That's good or whatever"
We keep standing there for a while, in silence. Don't know what he's thinking. I don't know. I don't care, I guess?
Fuck.
Rubbing my face for a while I realize.
That's it's a bit too late.
Just a tiny bit too late not to care.