This is it.
[Do you wish to leave the tutorial?]
This fucking shit.
I crack one of my finger. Instinctively more than anything. A mix of rage come up to mix in that soup of feelings that's trying to end me already.
Great. Add more in this, maybe some grief? Some sorrow?
Focus.
The voice resonating in my head, telling me to focus, doesn't sound like mine.
In any case. I do. My eyes focusing on that horrible system message.
It's the one that made me go crazy for a while. Fucking armory dumb shit. I was really sad. That's all, I just really need to go home and I thought I could.
Even if only for a day, that would have been enough.
But no. This bitch gave me a false hope.
I take a big breathe. It sounds more like a sniff than anything. It's cold, my fingers feel so cold.
Last time I was with balrow.
Right now I'm alone.
But my choices won't change. Not like I could do anything else. My teeth grind. This is a fucking game, they playing with me. That's not even a choice to be honest.
Useless choices. I hate useless choices.
Throw me in another planet if I say yes.
Tsk.
Whatever, I won't leave anyway.
I just need to verify something again.
Yes.
The system notification dissapear.
Another one appearing just after, red and bright, just like I personalized it. Clear in my vision. My eyes move, trailing every sentence.
[By leaving the tutorial you forgo said rights:
-guiding and teaching over the tutorial attendee tier
-free passive skill
-bountiful rewards in function of your performance
-bonding and the ability to build a loyal team, filled with people specifically picked to fit your current believed needs.
-basic knowledge of the multiverse
-system protection
Are you sure to leave the tutorial?]
Every single cause.
Every single cause.
System, always so helpful provide me with the information I forgot.
[-bonding and the ability to build a loyal team, filled with people specifically picked to fit your current believed needs.]
My mood crash.
It just does.
And for a while, I just stand there. Staying still. The grass under me is moving in strange ways.
My head is pretty heavy, the sound of the wind sound muffled.
As if I was underwater.
But I'm not underwater, am I?
I blink, and look again.
I. I.
What am I supposed to say after that?
Am I supposed to be angry?
At who? At the system?
For abducting me and putting me with people IT thought I could get along well?
So I should get angry at a seemingly all powerful and unfeeling entity?
No?
Then who, should I be angry at them?
My team? For what? Are they even aware of this? What does THIS even mean? Did everything we did was fucking engineered? Was this real? Were they real?
Did I have a choice?
5 words. That's all.
The second those words parse through my mind. The ground shift, it's wavy, or am I wavy? Am I?
That's, that's? Is this even real, am I in a coma or something?
My hands come up. They rest on my face. Feeling the soft skin, pinching, pulling, feeling.
I don't feel good.
I don't feel good at all.
I stop mid thoughts, I don't know what I was planning to do with this information. I don't know what I should do with this information.
But I NEED to do something. Anything! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!
I need to leave this place. Now.
Stumbling behind, I take some weak steps forward. My eyes focused on the ground. I don't want to look around.
I don't want to look and remember things again.
I don't want to remember the jokes, and the way balrow promised he'll take care of himself, or how malfoy genuinely seems to respect me, or how jenna worry so damn much about me, or how annie is doing her best to make everyone get along.
I don't want to.
But I already did.
I remember everything. Every. Little. Thing.
Questioning everything. Every. Little. Thing.
I came, teleported. Bloody. Lied in front of them. They knew, and they didn't raise a fuss. I would have. That's odd, really strange.
Were my lies even useful? Did I had a choice to not be trusted? Did they had a choice?
Balrow found the hidden door? It was really small. Did he knew before-hand? Was there a world where I didn't found it? Was there?
Malfoy didn't see anything when we inspected the light source, did he lied? I would. But would it have changed anything?
And I keep walking. Again and again. Not stopping for a second.
Unless if it's for puking my guts out.
Right onto the desecrated body of a goblin we killed.
Flies stick to him. They get swallowed down by the puke, choking and dying on it. it's open wound is open wide, rotting from the inside and giving me a great look inside it's necrotic flesh.
Could I have lost?
I leave. Faster.
Don't think, just, don't think.
I don't know when. But my hand is on the ladder of the watchtower. The wood is cool under my hand, really cool.
Extremely cool. And woody. Super brown.
Focus on the wood. Just the wood. Beautiful wood.
My feet come up, truly a feat of coordination to move up a ladder.
Let's count the steps up shall we? This I can do, right!?
One!
Two!
Three!
Fou-! I slam my face on the wooden steps. My hands come up, moving by themselves to tighten themselves hard against the ladder. Keeping me steedy.
My lip hurt. I lick it and taste iron, with an aftertaste of bland puke.
My hand snap up. Fast. Clinging onto the opening of the hole. And I give up the ladder, pushing myself up into the hole with just my arms.
I slam my chest on the ground of the watchtower when I can, before pushing and crawling forward inside like some sort of larva.
Larvaes don't have free will. Do they?
The wood feel good. It's clear...and it's cold. Would be a great place to sleep.
My eyes unfocus. Staring at nothing in particular. Unfortunately they pick on something.
A tattered piece of cloth.
The one I offered to jenna. Now well used. Used for shooting training.
Jenna worry a lot.
"Hey!" my voice is heavy. Slurred, as if I was blackout drunk. "System. Did you give me Jenna cause I'm too much of a MESS to take care of myself alone!?"
No answer.
Fucking bitch. Fucking bitch of a system.
Something rise in me. In the midst of all this shit.
A single spark of rage. Of wrath. No. Of hate, I hate this. I hate it. I hate all those fuckers, all those that try to do shit. I can do it too. I can do it myself.
I know it. I can do it. I did it already.
I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MYSELF AGAIN!
But I'll do it, I don't care, I'll do it. I'll rip this fucker fucking soul out a and break it in half.
I'll break you in half you PIECE OF SHIT!
My heart stop.
Dropping in cold fear.
I stay there for a while, awaiting some sort of divine retribution for threatening the system.
Nothing comes.
What am I doing?
Slurringly, slowly. It's hard, every movement feel heavy, but I do it. Pushing myself on my belly, getting on my knees and getting up.
It's hard.
It feel so damn hard for some reason.
What am I doing?
When I stand. The ground feel wavy, turned, moving. But I ignore it. Taking some steps forward. Toward the room where we...I swallow hard. Where we all sleep.
My steps are innacurate, and uncoordinated.
What the fuck am I doing?
Like a bolt of thunder, my legs straighten. My back straighten. Tall. My feet smoothly step forward.
Leading into a simlple effortless walk.
Shut up.
Go to sleep.
My feet carry me forward, as I experience what it feel to have a completly empty mind. Nothing.
Not even words. Just a singular goal, my body leading me to it by itself.
Before I notice. I'm inside. Everyone sleeping. I push myself forward and fall on my bed like a dead man.
Go. To. Sleep.