&&&&&&&&
It's bright.
It's so bright. My eyes hurt. They burn, some tears are stuck on the corner of my eyes. I rub them away, like he told me to do, but it doesn't go away.
They come back.
That's a problem. I need, I need to look around. Find the problem and end it.
My head turn around. Too fast. It hurt my small neck, extremely small neck. I look around, I'm on my couch, a small smelly blanket around my shoulders. It's warm but it doesn't stop me from shaking.
It doesn't help.
I look forward, the small Tv rest is here, like usual. Close to the ground on a white little TV table. A small portrait of me, mom, and dad. On it, just beside the screen.
It doesn't help.
My arms close around my torso, I grab my small forearm. Nothing but bone and small flabby flesh. Weak.
I pull my hand up, feeling my small wrist as I look around. Right, and left.
I'm in my living room. It's cozy, the window leading outside, right on my left, a look show that it's dark outside.
I should go to sleep.
But I can't.
My eyes, still hurting, look up. At the light. It's bright. I just woke up, my eyes hurt.
That's the problem.
No, no, that's not the problem.
I need to think, I need to calm down, just like dad.
My eyes roam around the room.
For one minute.
My eyes stopped hurting.
For 10 minutes.
My shaking isn't stopping.
For an hour.
What is the problem? What did it started with?
For two hours.
The sound of a car close to my home make me perk up. I wait. Staring at the window, waiting for them.
Twenty minutes later, it's clear it's not them.
I get up. My legs hurt. I need to do something, I need to do something now.
I half walk toward the Tv. My small, terribly weak hands pushing the blanker closer around me. Why I'm looking at the Tv? I don't need it, it's not useful not for now.
The bathroom next, pushing the door reveal nothing. What am I EVEN gonna do here!? Think for once! Be smart!
That's not the problem.
I need to keep going, I have this feeling in my chest. Everything will go downhill from now on. I know it. I pace forward, faster. The calender on the wall show the date.
12 november 2011.
I'm 5 today.
I keep pacing around for hours, crawling under the cabinets to see dad old books about some boring philosphers. Then my feet find themselves over their bed, ransacking around, for something that doesn't exist. My feet start hurting. But I can't sleep, I feel bad, and I don't know why.
For the next 3 hours. Till deep in the night.
I try everything I can think of.
Sleeping. Doesn't work.
Stealing food. Doesn't work.
Playing. Doesn't work.
Tv? Doesn't work.
I want to go outside. But I don't.
Reading dad stuff? Doesn't work.
Reading mom stuff? Doesn't work.
Pacing around? Doesn't work.
No matter what happen, I end in the same place.
On the couch. Covered by this used blanket, warming my shaking shoulders as I think about the problem. All night long.
I know it, it's my fault. Mom didn't listened to me because, because, because I'm not as big as the others! I need to get bigger.
I know it, it's my fault. Mom didn't go because I don't know how to talk! I need to talk better.
I know it, it's my fault. Mom avoided it because I cried. I need to stop crying.
Why did she hid it?
I try it all. As hard as I can, but no matter what I do. Nothing change.
It's so hard. I do my best, always. I need to change this time. I can do it. I can make it change. I can do it.
I hate it. I hate it. Staying there, unable to do anything. Digging Into my brain to figure out WHAT CAN I DO THAT WILL CHANGE IT!?
The blanket cover me all night long. Thought running, until it's here.
Again. The sound of key jiggling. Pushing the door open, a single pair of footsteps.
I dig my head down on my knees. Not again.
The footsteps get closer, a chair get dragged, put in front of me. A man sit down.
I know what he look like. Even if I don't look.
Not again, please, I really did my best this time.
A cold non nonsense voice reach me.
Something about mom, I know.
No time to help me swallow the pill, he's gonna speak more, I know it.
I don't want to hear it, I don't want too, not again.
&&&&&&&&
My eyes snap open.
I can't sleep.
The bed under me is pretty comfortable. System given.
Pushing the blanket off my face, my eyes roam around.
I don't see anything.
It's too dark. I don't like the dark.
Pushing myself on my other side, my hand come to rest beside my pillow. Cold on this side. My fingers dig deep into it. The feeling comforting me, even admist the rushing of my thoughts.
Should I do something about what I learned?
Can I even do anything?
Like some kind of addict, my hand tighten harder against the side of my pillow. Digging my nails into it. Until I can feel it, the ache in my hand.
And more importantly.
The way the pillow break and bend under my pillow, affected by me, it's affected by me. I'm doing it, I'm doing that.
I can do it.
My thoughts get filtered, one by one. It's pretty hard work, but thoughts flashes for a while.
Just like dad taught me.
2 minutes later, I'm sure of it.
This is useless rumination. I can't do anything about it for now. Taking it badly against them would be unfair.
And more importantly dangerous, for me.
The most efficient way of moving forward is simple.
And it's something my brain figured out a long time ago already.
Just have been overethinking everything, like usual.
My hand lower itself to cradle my blanket. Gently touching it. Manipulating it. Controlling it.
This is fine, just a small problem that can be taken care of. For now the strategy is simple.
Minimal interactions with the system, especially the magic part.
Keeping the good relationship fostered here safe. engineered or not, it's useless to think about it, there are benefits in all cases.
Last thing to do? Sleeping.
It's easier said than done.
Closing my eyes tight, my entire attention close up on my finger. On the way it twirl the cover at it's will, at my will.
At the way I can influence the world.
My hand widen and close up hard. Feeling the power under my palm. I can move people with that, I can hurt them.
My hand is big, I am big now. It was hard but I did it.
I'm not helpless, I can do something.
See?
My finger trail on the bed, doing simple letters. H, L, A.
I can communicate. Do you know the amount of power that come from communication?
I can talk now, barely stutter anymore. It was hard but I did it.
I used it well for a lot of things already you know? I'm proud of my communication skills, remember how I put malfoy in my pocket at the start?
A slow smile spread on my face.
Now that was badass.
I trained well.
Oh can we talk about my strength too? My fingers keep trailing, feeling, comforting me in my belief that I can do something.
Worked hard for it! This shit is supppper useful. Make me feel like thor, help me carry people, punch bad guys, do flips. Lovely really, you should try!
My smile grow a bit more, thoughts waving, finger threading.
I trained well.
My smile keep growing, the thought of transforming in some kind of macho Nordic god making me laugh.
I'm not crying, I'm laughing. It was hard but I did it.
That was the hardest to do for sure.
But even remembering all my failures, funny thoughts keep lulling me, right into sleep.
Tommorow will be a good day, I can just know it.
I am not helpless.
So I won't act like it.
Big movement, big talk, big smile.
I know it will be a good day, it's not the first time this happened
And it won't be the the last time.