On the day of the performance, a stage was hastily and perfunctorily constructed on the athletic field of Tokyo Jujutsu High using a few wooden boards and a red cloth.
The stage was so crude it bordered on pathetic.
In stark contrast to this shabby stage was the luxurious setup and decoration of the judges' seats.
Ian, Satoru Gojo, Utahime Iori, and the principals of both the Tokyo and Kyoto schools, Masamichi Yaga and Yoshinobu Gakuganji, sat on a massive, lavish viewing platform fully equipped with parasols and refreshments.
Satoru Gojo's face wore a look of fanatical excitement, clearly relishing the impending chaos.
Masamichi Yaga looked completely dead inside, as if he had already foreseen the cruel mental torture he was about to endure for the next hour.
The veins on Utahime Iori's forehead hadn't stopped throbbing since the moment she sat down.
Only Ian leaned back in his chair in a leisurely posture, a faint, intrigued smile playing on his lips. He seemed to hold a genuine sense of anticipation for this grand exhibition of baffling human behavior.
"And now, the First Tokyo-Kyoto Sister-School Passionate Talent Exchange Event officially begins!"
Following Gojo's drawn-out, goofy announcement, the first act raised its curtains to a smattering of sparse applause.
Taking the stage was the Kyoto school's girls' team, Kasumi Miwa and Momo Nishimiya.
They were going to perform a dance from a currently popular idol group.
The music started with a cheerful rhythm.
However, Kasumi Miwa's body was as stiff as a wind-up wooden puppet.
She pressed her lips tightly together, her eyes darting all over the stage due to extreme nervousness, absolutely refusing to look at the audience.
Left foot.
No, right hand.
Her mind went completely blank. Her limbs lost all coordination, and she began moving her arms and legs on the same side in a clumsy, synchronized march across the stage.
"Miwa! Over here!" Momo Nishimiya lowered her voice anxiously to remind her.
Thud.
A muffled sound echoed.
The flustered Kasumi Miwa crashed headfirst into the back of the turning Momo Nishimiya. The two of them tangled together and rolled across the stage like bowling pins.
The music came to an abrupt halt.
The entire venue fell into a deathly silence.
Satoru Gojo painfully covered his face, forcing himself not to burst out laughing.
"N-Next."
The second act was Noritoshi Kamo's solo talent showcase.
He walked onto the stage with a solemn expression and slowly raised his hands.
"[Blood Manipulation]."
Crimson blood seeped from his palms, condensing in the air and transforming into agile blood snakes.
The blood snakes spiraled and danced through the air, eventually converging to write four large, bright red words in midair.
Friendship Comes First.
The handwriting was vigorous and powerful, exuding a majestic aura.
The students in the audience, however, were bored to tears.
"So boring..." Nobara Kugisaki yawned, even squeezing out a few tears from the corners of her eyes.
Next to take the stage was the comedic duo of Panda and Toge Inumaki.
Panda, wearing a comical vest, stood in the straight man position.
Toge Inumaki took the role of the funny man.
"Salmon."
"Mhm." Panda nodded.
"Mentaiko."
"Ah." Panda looked thoughtful.
"Tuna Mayo."
"Oh." Panda looked as if he had a sudden realization.
A full five minutes of performance slowly ticked by amidst this bizarre conversation.
The faces of the audience members were plastered with bewilderment and confusion.
That suffocating, eerie silence felt as if it could freeze a person's very soul.
Finally, Mechamaru's performance began.
Through remote control, he brought a palm-sized mini doll onto the stage.
The doll began a highly difficult popping routine to the dynamic music.
Thomas flares.
Windmills.
The movements were standard and full of power.
Just when everyone thought they were finally going to see a normal act...
Bzzzt—
A burst of static noise crackled.
The signal within the venue seemed to suffer from some unknown interference.
The mini doll on the stage instantly became laggy and stiff.
It looked like a zombie with Parkinson's, twitching madly on stage as it danced the "robot."
Finally, a puff of black smoke rose from the doll's head. The red light in its eyes flickered twice before completely dying out.
It fell stiffly backward into the center of the stage.
The entire venue once again plunged into an awkward silence.
"You must all be getting impatient! The grand finale is here!"
Aoi Todo's booming voice shattered the awkward atmosphere.
The stage play he personally directed, wrote, and starred in was about to begin.
Accompanied by incredibly discordant, cheap music that sounded like it belonged at an 80s wedding...
Yuji Itadori, wearing a cheap prince's outfit that was clearly a size too small and stretched tightly across his muscles, walked onto the stage with a deeply uncomfortable expression.
Opposite him, Nobara Kugisaki had been forced into a pink princess dress covered in lace frills. She couldn't hide the look of utter disgust on her face.
"Oh! My beautiful princess! Your visage is even more dazzling than the glow of a Grade 1 Cursed Tool!" Yuji recited his lines with the cadence of an elementary schooler reading poetry.
"Shut up, you idiot prince," Nobara replied through gritted teeth. "Say one more word, and I'll shove your head into that prop tree over there."
In the audience, Satoru Gojo curled his toes in agony.
The secondhand embarrassment felt like countless ants crawling up his spine.
He curled his toes so hard in his shoes from the sheer cringe that he could have excavated a luxury three-bedroom apartment.
Just then, the stage lights suddenly dimmed.
A spotlight hit the side of the stage.
Aoi Todo, shirtless, slathered in olive oil, and wearing only tight shorts, struck an extreme bodybuilding pose as he slowly rose into view.
"Hahahaha!"
"Pitiful princess, feeble prince!"
"I am the Muscle Demon Lord, returned from hell!"
While wildly stealing the spotlight, he emotionally recited the love poem he had stayed up all night writing.
"Oh! Takada! My love! You are like the biceps on my chest; every beat makes me..."
Todo continued to revel in his own narcissism...
After over ten minutes of this agonizingly awkward performance, the plot finally reached its climax.
Prince Yuji, having defeated the Muscle Demon Lord who had spent ten minutes admiring himself, was supposed to share a passionate kiss with Princess Nobara.
Watching Yuji's face draw closer, Nobara's fists were already cracking.
Just a split second before their lips were about to touch.
"Stop!"
Aoi Todo suddenly shot out from the other side of the stage like a cannonball.
He shoved Nobara aside, spread his arms wide, and blocked Yuji.
"Best friend!"
"I will protect your first kiss!"
The stage instantly devolved into utter chaos.
"What kind of bullshit script did you write, you bastard Aoi Todo?!" Nobara chased after Todo, brandishing a prop hammer.
Megumi Fushiguro covered his face in despair. The Divine Dog he had summoned to act as the prince's steed was now running amok on stage, chasing a rolling prop apple.
At the judges' table, the veins on Satoru Gojo's forehead bulged wildly, one by one.
He couldn't take it anymore. He was about to die from this explosively awkward performance.
"ALL—OF—YOU—STOP—!!!" A roar tore through the air.
Buzz!
A terrifying surge of cursed energy erupted.
A Hollow Technique: [Purple], fusing [Blue] and [Red] and containing ultimate destructive power, howled through the air above the stage.
BOOM—!!!
An entire hill in the distance was instantly leveled to the ground by the attack.
The terrifying destructive power instantly silenced the entire venue.
"Phew! I finally let it out. I was suffocating to death." Satoru Gojo slowly stood up.
He took a deep breath, and an incredibly "awkward" smile returned to his face.
"Everyone's performances were truly wonderful."
"To reward you all for working so hard, your teacher has decided..."
"To invite true professionals to give you all a proper lesson."