Saturday dawned with the promise of rain, which, for Kaito, was the ideal weather. Rain meant a socially acceptable excuse not to leave the house. It meant darkness, natural white noise, and a justification for remaining in a horizontal position for 14 hours straight.
He was lying on his beanbag chair, eyes closed, enjoying the absence of stimuli. Fia was in her closet. Mai was in her own luxurious apartment, probably doing rich and beautiful people things, like drinking imported tea or memorizing lines.
The world was in balance.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
The knocking wasn't polite. It was frantic, rhythmic, and charged with a passive-aggression Kaito recognized immediately.
He opened one eye. Checked the clock. 09:58.
"She came," Kaito murmured, feeling a wave of disappointment. "I underestimated her fear of being socially excluded."
"THE TARGET HAS ARRIVED!" Fia's voice exploded in his mind, vibrating with repressed excitement. "IT'S THE 'HOME VISIT' EVENT! THE SYSTEM INDICATES THAT IF SHE BROUGHT INGREDIENTS, THIS COULD EVOLVE INTO A 'WIFE-IN-TRAINING' ARC!"
"If she brought ingredients, they better be industrial cleaning products," Kaito thought, getting up with the slowness of an arthritic sloth.
He went to the door and opened it.
Tomoe Koga was standing in the hallway. She wasn't wearing her school uniform, nor the trendy clothes she wore to impress her friends. She was wearing a garish neon-pink tracksuit with white stripes down the sides. In one hand, she held a bucket with various cleaning supplies; in the other, a mop that looked like a battle spear.
She looked like a mix between a juvenile delinquent and a combat janitor.
"You," she said, pointing the mop at his chest before even saying good morning. "You are the worst human being in history."
"Good morning, Koga," Kaito said, monotone. "You are two minutes early. That is inefficient; I was still planning to sleep for those two minutes."
"I couldn't sleep!" she shouted, pushing him aside and entering the apartment uninvited. "I spent the whole night thinking that today, Saturday, my day off, I would be scrubbing the toilet of a guy who socially blackmailed me!"
She stopped in the middle of the room, looking around with disdain. The apartment was clean (thanks to Mai, days ago), but it had that sterile bachelor aura.
"Where is the disaster zone?" she asked, tapping her foot.
Kaito closed the door and pointed to the bathroom. "Second door on the left. The incident involved excessive laundry detergent and an attempt at 'flow optimization.' The floor is sticky in a way that defies conventional chemistry."
Koga made a face of disgust. "I hate you. Just for the record. Rule 2 or not, I hate you so much."
"Hate is excellent fuel for scrubbing tough stains," Kaito observed, sitting back down on his beanbag and picking up the video game controller. "Use it."
Koga huffed, marched to the bathroom, and slammed the door. Seconds later, Kaito heard the sound of running water, plastic bottles being thrown, and muffled curses questioning Kaito's lineage and morality.
Kaito turned on the TV. The title screen of his RPG appeared.
"That is cruel, Kaito," Fia's voice sounded, hesitant. The closet door cracked open, and a blue eye peeked out. "She is a maiden! You are treating her like Cinderella, but without the Fairy Godmother part!"
"I am her Fairy Godmother," Kaito corrected, loading his save. "I am teaching her the value of honesty. She prefers being here, hating me openly while cleaning a bathroom, to being on a double date pretending to laugh at Maezawa's unfunny jokes. Here, she can be herself. An angry, pink-tracksuit-wearing 'herself,' but authentic."
"THAT IS TWISTED 'COMFORT THROUGH ADVERSITY' LOGIC!" Fia squeaked. "BUT THE AFFINITY BAR... IT IS SHAKING! IT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO GO UP OR DOWN!"
Twenty minutes passed. The sound of scrubbing and cursing provided a strangely rhythmic soundtrack to Kaito's game.
Then, the doorbell rang again.
Not a frantic knock. A polite, musical chime.
Kaito paused the game. He looked at the door. He wasn't expecting anyone else. The Saturday plan consisted only of child (teenager) labor exploitation and video games.
"How troublesome," he sighed, getting up again.
He opened the door.
Mai Sakurajima was there. She was impeccable, as always, wearing a cream-colored blouse and a long denim skirt. She wore large sunglasses, which she pushed to the top of her head as the door opened. In her hands, she held two bags from a gourmet bakery.
"Good morning, Kaito-kun," she said, with a smile that promised nothing good. "I heard you have an... employee today. I came to supervise the working conditions."
Kaito blinked. "Who told you?"
"Fia sent me an emergency telepathic message," Mai said, walking into the apartment and past him. "Something about 'Harem Protocol Collapse' and 'Need for Reinforcements'."
"I'm going to burn that closet," Kaito muttered, closing the door.
THUMP.
A dull thud came from inside Fia's closet, followed by the clatter of something metallic—probably the vacuum cleaner—falling over.
"That would be sacrilege!" Fia's muffled, hysterical voice pierced through the wood of the door. "You can't commit arson against a Goddess's Sanctuary, Kaito! And... and divine fabric is highly flammable! The System forbids the combustion of Guides!"
Kaito stared at the closet door. "I'm using gasoline."
"I'M SORRY!" Fia's shriek was muffled by the bedding inside. "It was a lapse in judgment! Don't roast me! I like my skin un-crispy!"
Mai let out a soft chuckle, watching the interaction with amusement. "You really have her in the palm of your hand, don't you? Poor goddess."
"She's a security risk who leaks information," Kaito retorted, ignoring the sounds of Fia trying to barricade herself behind the vacuum cleaner.
Mai placed the bags on the kotatsu table. The smell of fresh bread and coffee invaded the apartment, fighting against the smell of bleach coming from the bathroom.
"So," Mai said, looking at the closed bathroom door from which sounds of aquatic struggle were emanating. "Is she really in there? Cleaning?"
"She owed me a favor," Kaito said, sitting down again. "It is a transaction."
At that moment, the bathroom door opened. Koga stepped out, sweaty, face red, wearing yellow rubber gloves that went up to her elbows. She held the mop as if it were a weapon.
"Hey, Tanaka! The drain was clogged with something that looked like glitter, what the hell did you..."
She stopped. She saw Mai.
Koga froze. Her eyes went from Kaito on the beanbag to Mai at the table, pouring elegant coffee. Her brain tried to process the image. Mai Sakurajima. The famous actress. The unattainable "senpai." Standing in her "boyfriend's" living room.
Mai turned slowly, holding a cup of coffee. She looked Koga up and down—from the aggressive short hair to the yellow rubber gloves.
Mai smiled. It was a devastating smile.
"Ara," Mai said, her voice smooth and aristocratic. "You must be Koga-san. Kaito told me a lot about you. Good job with the drain. It's hard to find good help these days."
Koga's face went from red with exertion to red with total mortification.
"S-S-Sakurajima-senpai?!" she squeaked.
"SYSTEM ALERT! HEROINE ENCOUNTER!" Fia shouted mentally, exiting the closet in her ethereal form and floating on the ceiling to get a better view. "THE HIERARCHY IS BEING ESTABLISHED! THE 'MAIN WIFE' IS MARKING TERRITORY AGAINST THE 'FAKE GIRLFRIEND'! THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN A SOAP OPERA!"
Calmly, Mai stated, "I am not the main wife," as she took a sip of coffee, now that she could also hear Fia.
"Y-You... What are you doing here?!" Koga stammered, pointing the mop at Mai and then at Kaito. "Do you... do you know each other? Like, for real?"
Kaito sighed. Paused the game again. "Koga, rule 2. Don't ask unnecessary questions. Mai is... an acquaintance. She came to bring food. Which is good, because I wasn't going to feed you."
Mai placed a pastry on a plate. "Don't be rude, Kaito. I brought enough for everyone. Koga-san, wash your hands and come eat. You must be tired from cleaning up after this lazybones."
The dynamic in the room shifted instantly. Koga, who was ready to fight Kaito, now found herself completely disarmed by the presence of a celebrity acting like the lady of the house. She looked at her rubber gloves, then at Mai's elegance.
"I... I'll go wash my hands," she muttered, defeated, retreating to the bathroom.
When she came out, gloveless and face washed, Mai had already organized the table. Kaito was eating a croissant with the same bored expression he used to kill monsters in the game.
Koga sat at the end of the table, as far away from the two of them as possible. She took a piece of bread timidly.
"So," Mai began, looking at Koga with clinical interest. "Kaito told me you are in a 'contractual relationship' to avoid a time loop caused by social anxiety. Fascinating."
Koga choked on the bread. "He told you?! That was a secret! Rule 2! No sharing information!"
"Rule 2 applies to you sharing information about dogs," Kaito corrected, mouth full. "It does not apply to me sharing vital data with my anomaly consultant."
"Consultant?!" Koga looked at Mai.
"Let's just say I have experience with Kaito's... eccentricity," Mai said, offering Koga a napkin. "And with Adolescence Syndrome."
Koga looked at Mai, then at Kaito. There was a strange intimacy between them. Not romantic, exactly. It was something deeper. Like two war veterans sharing inside jokes no one else understood. Kaito, who was a block of ice with Koga, seemed... relaxed around Mai.
A strange pang hit Koga's chest. It wasn't jealousy, she told herself. It was just... annoyance. Yes. Annoyance because he was a jerk to her and normal with Mai.
"And so, Koga-san," Mai continued, her eyes sparkling. "What is it like dating Kaito? Has he made you carry his groceries with one arm while the other is stuck yet?"
"He made me clean the bathroom!" Koga exploded, happy to have an ally. "He said if I didn't clean it, he would tell the school I snore!"
"I never said that," Kaito interjected. "But it is good to know you snore. Information stored for future blackmail."
"See?!" Koga pointed at him. "He is horrible!"
Mai laughed. "Yes, he is. But is the bathroom clean?"
"It's sparkling," Koga said with involuntary pride.
"Then he kept his end of the bargain," Mai said, taking another sip of coffee. "He gave you an excuse not to go out with your fake friends, and in exchange, you did honest work. Seems like a fair trade."
Koga stopped. She looked at the bread in her hands.
It was true. While she was scrubbing the floor, cursing Kaito, she didn't think about Maezawa. Didn't think about Rena or Yuka. Didn't think about "reading the room." She was just angry and focused on the dirt. It was... liberating.
And now, sitting here, eating expensive bread with a celebrity and an apathetic sociopath, she felt more comfortable than at the school cafeteria table.
"PROTOCOL FAILURE DETECTION!" Fia shouted. "THE AFFINITY BAR WENT UP ANOTHER 10 POINTS! SHE IS FEELING 'DOMESTIC BELONGING'! KAITO, YOU ARE CREATING A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY BOND!"
Kaito felt the headache coming. He looked at Koga. She wasn't looking at him with pure hate anymore. She was looking at him with a thoughtful, almost... assessing expression.
This was dangerous.
"Right," Kaito said, brushing off crumbs and standing up abruptly. "Coffee break is over. Koga, the bathroom is clean, but the kitchen still has traces of eggs on the ceiling. You have one more hour of work before I consider your debt paid."
Koga blinked, snapping out of her reverie. The anger returned, comforting and familiar.
"The ceiling?! How the hell is there egg on the ceiling?!"
"Ask the Goddess in the closet," Kaito said, returning to the beanbag. "Now go. Mai, stop humanizing her. She is a temporary cleaning tool."
"You are a demon, Tanaka!" Koga shouted, standing up and grabbing the mop again. "I'll clean that ceiling, but I'll pretend it's your face!"
She marched into the kitchen.
Mai watched Koga go, then turned to Kaito. Her smile was knowing.
"You are playing with fire, Kaito," she whispered. "You think being cruel pushes her away. But for a girl who spends all day pretending to be perfect to please others... having someone who lets her be imperfect and angry is addictive."
Kaito put on his headphones, blocking out the sound of the mop and Mai's warning.
"Irrelevant logic," he muttered. "Hate is a natural repellent."
________________________________________
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