"Aren't there any moons around Mars?" Fred was busy with his homework. Not long ago, he had been dismayed to realize he had missed his Astronomy assignment, and now he was rushing to complete it.
"Mars has two moons, but they're relatively small," Albert replied from across the desk, flipping through a book. "The closer a planet is to the sun, the harder it is for it to form moons. Mercury and Venus don't have any."
"Then… between Mercury and Venus, which is closer to the sun?" Fred asked, scribbling on his parchment.
"Mercury."
A few minutes later, Fred stretched, then handed his parchment to Albert. "I finally caught up. Check for errors."
The assignment was to draw a star chart of the solar system, labeling the planets and their moons.
Albert glanced at the chart and immediately spotted a mistake. "You've got Saturn and Jupiter swapped."
Fred corrected the positions casually, then grabbed a fruit from the table. Taking a bite, he turned to George. "Are you done?"
"I finished ages ago," George said matter-of-factly.
Fred feigned outrage. "Traitor! You secretly did your homework without me."
"I told you to do it together, but you didn't come. Who can you blame?" George rolled his eyes. "I still remember what you said back then…"
"Once you're done, lend it to me to copy," Lee Jordan chimed in with a chuckle.
"Yes, that's what you said," George teased.
"You didn't even let me copy!" Fred protested.
"You didn't ask!" George shot back.
The twins fell into their usual bickering. In truth, they were just bored—if they had more to do, they wouldn't waste time like this.
"What book are you reading?" Lee Jordan asked curiously. He had just finished his homework, and the advantage of working with Albert was obvious: he could ask questions and get immediate answers.
"Fool's Alchemy." Albert turned the cover toward him. It was actually Simple Alchemy, recommended by Professor Broad.
"The school doesn't teach Alchemy," Angelina remarked as she walked over, telescope in hand for Astronomy class. She sat nearby. "When are you going to the Astronomy Tower? Class is about to start."
"Ten more minutes. I don't want to be blown about by the wind up there," Albert said, setting his pocket watch beside him and continuing to read.
The book was thin; even finishing it wouldn't count toward his Reading Maniac task.
The author was Zonko.
Yes, Zonko of Zonko's Joke Shop in Hogsmeade.
Albert had been surprised when he first saw the name, though it wasn't hard to guess what kind of content a joke-shop owner would write.
The book explored the relationship between Alchemy and spells.
The grand-sounding "invisibility cloak" became, in Zonko's telling, nothing more than a cloak enchanted with a Disillusionment Charm.
The charm disguises an object, making it appear inconspicuous—like a stone by the roadside. To some wizards, enchanting a cloak with it was redundant, since they could simply cast the charm on themselves.
Albert didn't quite understand why Professor Broad had recommended the book. He read carefully and finally found a justification: it contained methods for making amulets.
But not with guardian tree wood. Instead, it used a Banishing Charm.
Such amulets could repel certain Dark creatures—but they also repelled owl post. Mail delivery became nearly impossible.
Wizards who used this method usually had mediocre spellcasting skills and couldn't refine the charm further. The items produced, true to Zonko's style, were more comedic than practical.
The book also described prank items, which most serious alchemists dismissed outright.
After finishing, Albert thought the book should be renamed. Bizarre Alchemy would be more fitting.
At the end, it even described an item to repel Vampires: the Garlic Cross.
Albert nearly burst out laughing.
It was exactly what it sounded like—a cross that smelled of garlic, based on the idea that Vampires disliked it.
The method was simple:
-Make a wooden cross.
-Extract garlic with alcohol.
-Heat and mix the liquid with beeswax or essential oils.
-Coat the cross thoroughly, until it reeked of garlic.
Carrying such a cross was absurdly humorous.
This book, Albert thought, truly disgraced Alchemy.
"Is Alchemy interesting?" Fred asked casually.
"Alchemy itself? Not really. But this book is very entertaining," Albert said, closing it and handing it to Fred. "After reading it, my understanding of Alchemy has… changed."
"Let me see…" Fred flipped through a few pages, then sighed. "Too profound for us. We can't understand it."
"If Hogwarts offered Alchemy, it would be a third-year elective. Unfortunately, it doesn't," Albert said regretfully.
"Let me see." George grabbed the book, then suddenly cried out, startling everyone.
"What are you squawking about?" Lee Jordan glared.
"Look—you didn't notice who the author is," George said excitedly.
"Who?"
"Zonko." George was already absorbed in the prank-item methods.
"Zonko from Zonko's Joke Shop?" they asked.
"Yes, him," Albert said, ignoring George's resentful look as he stuffed the book back into his bag. "Let's go. If you're interested, you'll have time to read it later."
"Why are you interested in Alchemy?" George asked as they climbed the spiral staircase.
"When I spoke with Professor Broad about Defense Against the Dark Arts, we discussed amulets. He suggested this book, so I borrowed it," Albert explained with a helpless expression. "I just didn't expect its content to be… quite so unusual."
Could those things really be considered Alchemy? Albert had his doubts.